The MrJohntesh Poetry Page!

RICHARD SIMMONS ATE MY MILKBONE

By MrJohnTesh I grow like a vine around the rotunda I own
When you think of mrjohntesh you will never feel alone.
There is a time and a place for dinners at Taco Bell
or for buying stock in gallons and gallons of my hair gel.
You will feel the beat and you will adjust the height of your seat
because mrjohntesh is here to rock you and he cares for the world so he's stopped eating meat.
I'm a groovy man in my tevas and argyle socks and sipping my herbal tea, All the best poems include something about cherry blossoms
but in mine I prefer ones about Mayim Blakik as Blossm and Joey Lawrence rapping songs about my man Doogie Howser M.D.
When I'm around you I feel like puddy
Because the best poems always include the words "fuddy duddy."
So give me back that milkbone, Richard Simmons, you wench.
But if I don't get it back, at least I can be thankful I wasn't born a French. *END*

THE MRJOHNTESH PRINCESS POEM

By Mrjohntesh

Once upon a time, there was a God.
No, you're thinking of Stewart...first name Rod.
This man we speak of was all alone in his little mansion.
Surviving on meager tins of soup and living off his pension.
He had a butler named Benson who bad mouthed him all the time.
He often got drunk and went to bars asking women for their sign.
His perfume was cheap but his talk definetly was anything but.
He listened to Russian Opera, hated Yanni, and often took leisurely strolls with Clifford, the big red mutt.
He yearned for a princess but he had no plan.
So often his summer evenings were spent watching reruns of Jake and the Fat Man (his favorite being the Fat Man).
When one morning should he awake from his slumber.
Having dreamt so much about killing that Grecian Bastard that he had fallen asleep in a pile of lumber.
For who appeared at his feet but a heavenly princess.
It was the best luck he'd had since he hung out with the kindergarten teacher during recess.
Sure, he was still recovering from that 3-way with Burt and Loni.
But tonight, he would be going to bed with his new wife, the gorgeous and easy Connie.

*END*

MRJOHNTESH WILL TAKE YOU AWAY

By Mrjohntesh

Mrjohntesh is brimming with testesterone
He is a man, a saviour, a savant, and he'll make you moan.
He'll take you to beautiful gardens, delis, and on a river raft
When he takes you to his teflon tent he'll hug you and show you the movie Shaft.
I can think of a million places to take you, Guam, Idaho, Am-PM, you name it or I'll ask 'ya
If you don't then put on a wooly sweater, I'm taking you all the way to sunny Alaska.
Many a night do I dream of you, and while you're away it does the trick
Other nights I just dream about hardhats and cement, and I go get a brick.
This is where the bridge goes.
I can romance you like a fine wine or a fresh Portabello Mushroom but often just like a fresh can of soda
When you're inside my jeans I will make your world rock, your curtains shake and you will swear I am the master Jedi, Yoda.
If you were a laptop computer, I would be your male pin, and I would gladly put on loan the chance to have your female pin.
Many a morning I awake fearful that you will be gone, I could be wrong, I always thought I would leave you for Elton John.

*END*

"Russell Crowe's Poem"

"I like being a big, big star"
By Russell Crowe (with a little help from MrJohnTesh)

I like to be big because I am big and famous
I think those big tv executives are the lamest.
Cause I'm Russell Crowe and I make lots of money
And I like to dump all the womens I date after I call em my honey.
I'm Crowe but I'm not really a bird
My name is Russell, I was in Gladiator so I'm not a nerd.
I did a movie once about L.A. whores
I'm so glad I did cause I'm rich and I make my women do my chores.
I'm an incredible guy cause I make great movies so I'm a real find
Just look at me I play a psychotic Jew-hating racist named Nash in a Beautiful Mind.
I'm Russell and I'm big big big and I even got my own band
They really suck and I blow but it gets me laid so that's grand.
I'm Crowe, yes, I am THE Crowe so do not turn me off when I read my stuff
Because I'm not that bright and it takes a lot of effort to write this fluff.
I'm Russell Crowe
And you're just an average joe.
My poems never sound corny
So now get me Meg Ryan
Cause Big Russell is horny.

A Tesh Erotic Story

"The Spittoons of Fate" by Mrjohntesh

I emerged from the light of the bathroom door of the Motel 6 clad only in a simple white towel, fresh off the rack and surprisingly clean. She was there upon the bed, the mint on the pillow still undisturbed from where the maid had left it. I gazed out upon her, casting my eyes on her curvacious body. My fixed look was evidently turning her on because she switched off the TV and returned my glance. She parted her ruby red lips to gasp those sexy, feminine vocals at me.
"Nevermind Fear Factor tonight, Hasselhoff lost anyway."
I brushed the last of my teeth and returned the brush to the holder, but realized I hadn't washed it off so I did so and then put it back. I switched off the light and approached the bed, blinded by the darkness of the hour, my heart beating a path to her heart. I stepped on a shoe and stumbled, but composed myself with the help of the bedsite lamp, which I knocked over. She gasped in sensual delight. I unrobed my towel and tossed it upon her lightly to arouse her.

"It's sopping wet," she said.

I nodded. Yes, I knew it was.
I turned on music, my own of course, "John Tesh Live at the Acropolis Theater in Rome." The tunes filtered out from the bedside stereo with an amazingly crisp clarity- I was impressed, for the commercial on the Home Shopping Network was correct about it sounding like a symphony. A symphony of bodies soon to be thrusting in the night, hers upon mine, quivering like two Eskimos huddling in an igloo. But there were no raw fish waiting to be skinned tonight, oh no sir.
I leaned in to kiss her but missed and poked my eye in her nose. It was a beautiful nose, a perfect nose, as if Leonard Da Vinci himself had reached out one day and made it for her. She had a fine set of ears, too, which I do not credit to Van Gogh but rather to an amazing set of drooping ear lobes. Yes, this woman was all woman, right down to the penetrating hot breath wafting out from between her cherry red lips.
I, mrjohntesh, could stand this no longer. I reached out to grab hold of her, and then proceeded to read text from the novel I was reading, "Atlas Shrugged," as she purred and crooned like a cat during heat. I bored her so silly that she drifted into a deep lumbering sleep, and I thought about how perfect I, Mrjohntesh, was, and prepared yet again for my morning show, "The Mrjohntesh Radio Half Hour," knowing that in hours, I would soon be face to face with two stars: Gary Coleman, and Rick Rockwell. How I would face such stars with pose and dignity I could only surmise now, so I made love to my wife while we had our chicken salad sandwich fantasy.

Learn how to keep the romance alive after 10 years, the MrJohnTesh way: MRJOHNTESH ROMANCE

A very special word from me, Mrjohntesh.

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