Age: 114
Height: 5'11
Weight: 172 pounds
Eyes: Yes
Socks: White, Tubed
Hobbies: Plutocracy
Harland Bistro was born January 1, 1892 to his adoring parents Marcel and Alexandrie.  The Bistros immigrated from France in 1891 when they learned Alexandrie was pregnant, in the hopes of giving their baby the best possible life.  But the Bistros found immigrant life in New York difficult.  Marcel was only able to find work as a tester of anti-diarreheal medication.  Alexandrie became a seamstress for a company that produced novelty banners.  There she was made to create banners that slandered her beloved homeland.  To this day, Harland keeps folded in a closet a banner his mother made that says 'Paris is the armpit of the world' in memory of his mother's suffering.  Needless to say, the Bistro's were poor and life was difficult.  And yet, things were to become even worse.
Marcel and Alexandrie Bistro
Young Harland Bistro
In 1897 when Harland was only five years old, the Bistros moved from New York, to the small town of Rimville, South Carolina.  Drawn by the allure of slightly less rigorous medical testing, Marcel felt a move to the south would greatly benefit his family and his bowels.  Despite being largely rejected by the Rimville community, and despite having their meagre home set ablaze twice in 1899, the Bistros were able to enjoy a quality of life that would have been unattainable in New York.  But then in 1904 a dashing young stranger named Stanley Tucci arrived in town.  Tucci was a travelling stage actor whose charisma quickly charmed the largely uneducated town of Rimville.  Young Harland, then twelve and anxious to catch a glimpse of his new idol, snuck backstage during one of Tucci's performances of The Villainy of Spaniards and espied the actor in his dressing closet.  To his horror, Harland discovered that Tucci was not who he claimed to be.  Tucci's face sat on a poorly-lit vanity, and there in a mirror's reflection was his true visage: a leering demonic thing not of this world.
Young Harland fled home in fright, but his visit had not gone unnoticed.  On October 7, 1904 the Bistros awoke to the sounds of someone breaking into their home.  Stanley Tucci, along with his demonic familiar Oliver Platt, had come armed with cruel blades.  Marcel bravely tried to defend his family, but the stale loaf of bread he weilded was no match for Tucci's sword.  Platt himself slew Alexandrie as she tried to hide Harland in a closet.  Soon young Harland found himself cowering before the dark form of Stanley Tucci, his mother's blood dripping from his frightened face.    The young boy begged for mercy.  Tucci laughed and promised it.  He then cut both of the boy's arms from his body, and placing the bloody limbs in a sack of burlap, vanished with Oliver Platt into the night.  Harland lost consciousness.
An artist's portrait of Stanley Tucci, circa 1904.
Harland awoke two years later in a crude shack that served as a hospital for the poor.  The events of that fateful night came rushing back to him, and he swore revenge upon the fiend that had decimated his family.  When no one in town believed his story, he knew that he was truly alone.  Harland survived over the next few years by selling tinctures of questionable value to strangers passing through town.  His nights were spent deep in study, as he knew education was the key to defeating Tucci.  In 1908 Harland met Clementine Brussel, then fourteen, and fell madly in love with her.  Her father hated Harland, often calling him the Armless Freak  But in 1909 Harland scraped together as much money as he could and invested it all in the Hudson Motor Car Company.  It was a ludicrous business venture that saw an immediate return.  When it became evident that Harland had money, Clementine's father eventually consented to their marriage.  Harland and Clementine married on July 30, 1909.
Using his newfound wealth Harland began attending Rimville University in 1910 at the age of eighteen.  While struggling with his studies due to his lack of arms, Harland was fairly successful, even publishing his first book A Boy's Guide to the Principles of Scientific Management in 1912, which became an immediate hit.  In 1914 during his last year of schooling, he trained a turtle to act as a typing instrument.  Gripping the turtle between his bare feet, he would knock it against the keys of his typewriter and shout out which letter he wished the turtle to press.  The results were terrible, but after going through several turtles and with years of practice, Harland was soon able to type as well as any person with arms.  But 1914 was not a good year for the Bistros.  On September 17, Clementine died from ennui, plunging Harland into a state of emotional despair.  His studies suffered and his friends worried for his health.
Clementine Bistro, 1914
Barely graduating from Rimville University, Harland disappeared from the public eye.  He purchased a large manor home in the Green Hills division of Rimville and began construction of a shrine to Clementine.  Dubbing it "Clementine's Castle" the shrine was a large three-storey structure of corrugated iron that took three years to complete.  When finished it was considered ugly and rather distasteful, but Harland felt Clementine would have liked it.  He stopped appearing in public, choosing to live in solitude occaisonally publishing books such as 1930's Will Plutonians Destroy Us? and 1942's Group A Streptococcus: The Spaniard's Revenge.  None of these books were able to recapture the magic of his first work, the latter being especially criticized by the scientific community.
Harland with his diploma, 1915
By the time the 1950's arrived, Harland Bistro lived as a wealthy hermit, having fully withdrawn from society,  In the late 50's he pulled out of Hudson Motor Car Company, sending the company spiralling into financial ruin.  Almost fifty years would pass before he would reappear.
Chateau du Bistro
Mr. Harland Bistro, Esq.
In 2000 Harland discovered the internet with the aid of his trusty typing turtle Pedro and new voice recognition software.  Finding this connection to the outside world bolstered his spirits and soon he decided to establish his own presence on the web.  On September 17, 2000, in commemoration of his beloved Clementine's passing, he launched Mr. Bistro's Old-Fashioned, Good-Times Fun Page.  The name was carefully chosen to ensure it would capture the attention and imagination of modern youth.  It was an immediate failure.  But Harland stuck with it, and over time the site became a moderate success.  To this day Harland remains involved with every aspect of the site's development.  Yes, even writing blurbs like this one.  That is right, I wrote my own biography.  What of it?  Show me where it is written that I should not you wretched little turd!
The Complete Works of Harland Bistro
A Boy's Guide to the Principles of Scientific Management (1912)
"Trust Wilson as Far as You Can Throw Him" (Harper's Weekly, April 1914)
The History of Corn, vols. 1-12 (1916)
Will Plutonians Destroy Us? (1930)
The Obedient Woman (1932)
Science for Boys: Fun with Vinegar and Magnets (1933)
Group A Streptococcus: The Spaniard's Revenge (1942)
"Just What the Heck is a Socialist Anyway?" (Esquire, March 1944)
"Talk to Your Husband Before Voting" (Everywoman, July 1945)
Adolph Hitler: Spanish Pawn? (1949)
The howler monkey is a deceiver.
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