I have a problem. You see, I am a devout Catholic and attend church absolutely every Sunday. I believe in Jesus and have great faith in him. But recently I saw a film called "When Jesus Attacks", which I thought was pure blasphemy, but can't get it out of my head. Now whenever I attend mass, I imagine our Lord and Saviour chasing me with 10-inch iron nails. What should I do?
--Holy-Shitting My Pants in Kentucky
Dear Holy-Shitting,
This problem is a serious, yet unbelievebly common problem. The film "When Jesus Attacks" is created by someone who is a gay homosexual, and is a complete waste of time. Anyone who watches it becomes dumber and has to relearn everything they already knew.
As for you problem. You should continue to have these visions, and make yourself a character in them. Become a hero in your own mind and fight against the almighty Jesus as he attacks the world.
Or else stop being such a cry baby and grow up. Jesus is not attacking us. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
--Mr. X
I was hoping that you could help me with a problem I've been having. You see, I have been diagnosed as defecaloesiophobic, which means I have a great fear of painful bowel movements. However, I am also coprastosophobic, which means I have an intense fear of being constipated. Because of these two fears working against each other I haven't taken a shit in 2 years. What should I do?
--A Hurtin' Unit in Toledo
Dear Hurtin',
My advice to you is simple and one word: Psychiatry.
--Mr. X
Can you help me find my sock?
--Barefoot In The Kitchen
Dear Barefoot,
No.
--Mr. X
Although I've made fun of you in the past, as I still do behind your back, I know require your assistance in a personal matter. It involves a loonie (a Canadian dollar) and a Liberal MP (a member of Canadian Government). You see, while trying to put the loonie in my pocket, I inadvertently managed to wedge it into one of the more notorious body cavaties. And the MP, who was trying to snatch the loonie from my hand, as they tend to do, also lodged himself into this cavaty as well. Oh hell, Mr. X, I've got a loonie and a politician's hand stuck up my ass, what should I do?
--No Longer Laughing In Little Rock
Dear No Longer Laughing,
That's something that everyone dreams of happening to them. Have fun with it. Go nuts. Or go to a proctologist.
--Mr. X
