On Thursday, I ran over a homeless person and ditched to body in a lake. Later that night, the guy knocked on my door wanting to know why I did that, so I shoved him on to the sidewalk and ran over him again. I had to re-ditch the body and now the cops are after me. What should I do?
--Scared, or not, I'm not sure, Canada
Dear Scared,
While I think this is a problem most of us suffer from on many occasions, don't sweat it! My advice to you is to tell the cops that you saw a homeless person "fall" onto the side walk, and then "fall" into your car, and then "fall" into the water. It works everytime, I know, I've tried it. Of course, the cops might be smarter in Canada, I'm not sure. Try it anyways!
--Mr. X
I am a gay homosexual. Does that mean I'm straight? Because, my parents think that it does mean I'm straight, but I think that I'm gay. Can you help me?
--Sexually Frustrated, CA
Dear Sexually,
My advice to you is to stop thinking about the double negative thing, and listen to your inner voice. You probably are gay, since I know you, you certainly act that way. So, start dressing in leather pants, turn up the Bette Midler, keep watching the Thelma and Louise, start making tiny finger foods, and move to San Fransisco! All the best of luck with shopping for small dogs!
--Mr. X
On Thursday (I think it was Thursday, I haven't seen a clock or calendar in weeks, because I'm homeless and all) I was run over and ditched in a lake, boy did that cleansing bath feel good. And just as I was about to go and thank the good fellow for helping me out, he threw me on the sidewalk and then ran me over again (returning me to my soiled and dirty self). Then I woke up in some half filled grave type thingy. Anyhow, I was just wondering what I should do to thank the nice gentleman for aiding me in my bath and then helping me to relocate?
--That Thing In The Paper Box On The Road.
Dear Thing,
Well, what you should do to this nice man, who sounds awfully familiar, is go to his house, around midnight, knock on his door and then hide. When he opens the door, whisper his name loudly, saying that he killed you, and say that he hasn't heard the last of you. If he shuts his door and thinks nothing of it, keep doing it, until he has to move out of fear of being haunted by a ghost. It's a little game that us people who live in homes play, and it's all in good fun! Everyone loves it, and it shows how much you care and appreciate one's actions. He'll enjoy it as much as you enjoyed your bath! Good luck!
--Mr. X
It's me again, the guy who killed the homeless guy. Yeah, I killed him and his ghost is haunting my porch! I stepped outside and I wasn't wearing anything so I could show off my seventeenth nipple and pentogram shaped belly-button to Jehova's witnesses, girl-guides and other passers-by. Anyway, I stepped out onto my porch and I hear this whispering. I was immediately scared, my many nipples became like stone and I fled back to the catacombs beneath my floorboards and performed a Seance to help rid myself of this evil spirit. But it didn't work! It's still out there, and I don't know what to do! I mean, how do you get an angry spirit out of your flowerbed? You've gotta help me!
--A guy so scared, I can't even pee, Canada.
Dear Pee-boy,
While I know this is perhaps one of the most common things I hear about, I feel that your case is not hopeless. What you should do, is make sure that your clothes are always on, or you could hurt others as well as yourself. You also may find it useful to stomp on your flowers, as a man who has a flower garden and lives on his own may appear somewhat "homosexual", unless you are, then by all means, garden away! Also, by stomping on the flower garden, you will probably squish the evil spirit. If you hear the spirit saying, "Stop it! I'm not really dead, it was just a joke! I'm sorry! Don't hurt me!", then just keep it up, that's what spirits will say to try to get you to feel sorry for them. Good luck!
--Mr. X
