�Well, I wasn�t expecting that.� Said Rampant-Blaggard, when his capacities for speech returned somewhat. �I just thought you meant some foreign chappie over here for a job, not some actual alien. I mean, look at him, he�s all green and he�s got only one eye and those tentricles and all that malarkey. Where on earth did you get such an ugly looking beast from?�
�That, my dear boy, would be telling.� Replied Spankingforth, the epitome of composure, �And he can understand every word you say, by the way, so enough of the ugly.�
�Can he, by jove?� Asked Rampant-Blaggart, �I mean, can you my little fellow, c-a-n y-o-u u-n-d-e-r-s-t-a-n-d m-e?�
The alien replied in a neat, monotone voice, slightly high pitched, �I can understand every word you say, Mr Rampant-Blaggart, and read your every thought. You don�t believe me, I can tell that. But I do know you, I know all of your thoughts, memories, I know all about Nellie, and her sister Jean, I know all about the Upbottom deal and its undercurrents, I know how you acquired the shares in the Full Frontal Corporation. I know all.� The alien paused briefly as Rampant-Blaggart absorbed this. Then: �Now you believe me.�
Rampant-Blaggart�s face showed considerable surprise, �Cheeky little blighter, isn�t he? I�m surprised you allow your staff to be so forward. I�d have beaten it out of the devil if I were you. A good bit of the cane.� His face registered satisfaction as he mimed swishing the cane, even mimicking the sound of its crack, �Now, much as I�d like to chat about your little greenie some more, my stomach�s growling and won�t be calmed. Let�s dig in, what?�
Spankingforth rose from his chair and advanced on Rampant-Blaggart as his alien did likewise. �That won�t be necessary.� Said Spankingforth, in an oddly muted voice.
�Well I�m afraid it will,� replied Spankingforth, perturbed by his host�s bad manner, �or else I�m going to have to eat one of you chaps instead! My gut�s not felt this empty since I was in the Indies!�
�That,� said the alien, still devoid of emotion, �is not an acceptable outcome.� The two advanced yet further on Rampant-Blaggart.
�I say, fellows, that�s awful rude.� Said Rampant-Blaggart, more and more perturbed by the minute, �Now that�s just frightfully unnecessary, I mean, no, don�t undo my shirt, it�s just not done. Now stop that! I realise I said I�ve an empty gut, but there�s no need to test it that thoroughly! No, that�s my spleen, don�t pull that out you fools, I need that to live! No, no, don�t go for the kidneys, oh, that�s not cricket, that�s frightfully rude. Oh dear, old chaps, I�m afraid I�m going to have to perform a bit of a faux pas now. I think I�m going to die in your house, sorry for that, though I can�t help but feel if you left those lungs where they were and stopped chewing the carpet wouldn�t be anything like so messy as it is now, it�ll take the housekeeper weeks to get the stain out. Well, if you must insist, then I guess it�s ta-ta for now. Ta-taaargh��
�That,� said the green alien who had just morphed from Spankingforth, �was a most nutritious meal.�
�Agreed, brother.� Said the original green alien, �a good choice. Who shall we go for next?�
The ex-Spankingforth alien looked into Rampant-Blaggart�s diary and noted a dinner contact the next night. �I think we should dine with Lord Noes-Hew tomorrow night.�
�A most excellent plan.� Replied the original alien, watching as his brother assumed the form of the Rampant-Blaggart he had so recently dined upon.
And so the aristocracy declined.