I Saw Mommy Kicking Santa Claus
Scene Selection
Meet Yasha Claus (scroll down)
Child #1: Misaki
Child #2: Daiki
Child #3: Takumi
Child #4: Nanami
Child #5: ???
Inuyasha: FEH!
Shippo: Will you calm down? You only have to do this for four
hours.
Inuyasha: And then I have to do it again tomorrow! Damn it!
Shippo: Do you want to help Kagome or not?
Inuyasha: ARGH! FINE!
Shippo (looks to you): Oh! Hey there! It's me, Shippo! But
you knew that already, huh? I guess you want to know what's going on
with Inuyasha and me. Well, a holiday called "Christmas" is coming up
pretty soon. I don't know that much about it. All I know is that people
buy or make gifts and exchange them with people that they care for.
Inuyasha: Who the hell are you talking to?
Shippo: Be quiet! Anyway, Kagome wants to buy presents for her
friends and family. With all of her loved ones here and in the feudal
era, it costs a lot of money to get gifts for everyone. Enter
Inuyasha. He offered to get another job to help Kagome earn money for
presents. The job he got is...he's something called a "mall Santa."
The setting is a shopping mall in a commercial district of a bustling
modern-day Japanese city. Shippo is dressed like an elf. His ears are
already pointy, so that helps a bit. His hat is green with a red fuzz
ball at the-end. He also sports a green vest over a red turtleneck
sweater. Shippo�s shoes are curled at the toes and red all over.
Inuyasha is Santa Claus. He wears the traditional costume, complete
with a fake white beard and extra padding in the abdomen area to give him
a more "festively plump" appearance. White mittens cover his hands to
hide his razor-sharp claws. Inuyasha is slumped down in a throne-like
chair, with a giant candy cane on each side, in the center court of the
mall. A long line of parents and children wait their turn to talk with
this not-so-jolly Saint Nick.
Inuyasha: So all I have to do is sit here, listen to kids beg
for stuff, take a picture, and move on to the next one?
Shippo: You might have to hug them too.
Inuyasha: Like hell I will.
Shippo: Inuyasha, you---ooh! Let's just get this started?
The first kid is a young girl brought up to see "Yasha Claus" by her
mother. The girl is about six years old with short hair and a pink coat.
Fresh, liquid mucus drips from her nose. She sits in Inuyasha's
lap.
Inuyasha: What do you want, kid?
Shippo: No! You're supposed to say: "Ho ho ho! What would you
like for Christmas, little girl?" That's what Kagome told me.
Inuyasha: Then YOU be Satan Claus.
Shippo: SANTA Claus! And I'm too small for kids to sit in my
lap. Just do it.
Inuyasha: Ugh. Ho. Ho. Ho. What do you want, little
girl?
Misaki (sniffling): I want a Hello Kitty plushie!
Inuyasha: That's what you want? You should want a tissue;
there's snot dripping all over you.
Misaki: Hee hee! Santa, you're so fun--ah...ahh...ACHOO!!!
Inuyasha's beard is covered in mucus. The little girl wipes her face
with her hand. She then rubs her hand on Inuyasha�s pant leg. She
leaps off his lap and runs back to her mother.
Inuyasha: Why you little...IRON REAVER, SOU---
Shippo: NO!! Killing is illegal, in case you forgot! And it
will also get you FIRED!
Shippo gives Inuyasha some paper towels to clean off. The next child,
a pudgy boy eating chocolate, slowly walks towards Inuyasha.
Inuyasha: Let me guess. You want a treadmill, ha ha ha!
The large boy sits in Inuyasha's lap. He says nothing and eats his
candy.
Inuyasha: If I wasn't a half-demon, the bones in my lap would be
broken. Damn!
Shippo: Shhhh! Remember what I told you to say?
Inuyasha: Oh yeah. Ho ho ho! What would you like for
Christmas, little girl?
Shippo: That's a BOY!
Inuyasha: BAH! You told me to say that!
Shippo: ARGH! You're impossible!
The large boy munches on his candy, staring Inuyasha in the eyes.
Melted chocolate drops onto Inuyasha's beard. Inuyasha looks at it and
then looks at the boy.
Inuyasha: I hope you�re not planning on eating me once you're
finished with that.
An angry woman storms up to Inuyasha. He is the boy's mother.
Daiki's Mom: How dare you! If you must know, Daiki has a
glandular problem that makes him look that way!
Inuyasha: Oh really? Is that glandular problem named "Hershey"
or "Reese" by any chance?
Irate and infuriated, Daiki's mom kicks Inuyasha in the shin as hard as
she can.
Inuyasha: AAAAAHH!
The woman grabs Daiki by the hand and takes him away. Shippo shakes
his head.
Shippo: Inuyasha, if you talk out of your mouth instead of your
butt, things like this wouldn�t happen.
Inuyasha: Shut up before I deck your halls! Bring up the next
kid!
The next child is another boy. But he isn't a child at all. He�s at
least fifteen years old. Inuyasha is confused.
Inuyasha: I said "kid", not "giant loser."
Takumi: This sucks. My goofy grandma thinks I'm in first grade.
She's making me do this.
Grandma: Sit on his lap, sweetie!
Inuyasha: No, no, no. He's not sitting on my lap. He's way too
old.
Takumi: For real. This guy's about my age, Grandma!
Grandma: Please? Do it for me? I don't have many years left on
this earth; it would make me die a happy woman.
Inuyasha: You want to die right now, lady? He's NOT sitting on
my lap!
The short old lady clutches her umbrella tightly. She stomps over to
Inuyasha.
Grandma: Now see here, sonny. I'm paying good money for a
picture of my grandson sitting in Santa's lap. I'm going to get that
picture too. If not, I'll be forced to get physical with you.
Inuyasha: EWWW!
Grandma: NO! I meant violent! What kind of perverted Santa
Claus are you?
Inuyasha: Move out of my way. I've filled my "Ugly Faces Quota"
for the evening.
The old lady repeatedly whacks Inuyasha over the head with the
umbrella. Five minutes later, a photo is taken of Takumi sitting in Inuyasha�s
lap. Takumi and his grandmother leave.
Shippo: Right now, I should tell you to stop opening your mouth.
But watching you get kicked and hit like this is too entertaining.
Inuyasha: I'm going to stuff you in a stocking and set it on
fire if you don't shut up! NEXT!
The next child has no family with her. She looks to be about eight
years old with long hair covering her left eye. Her skin is pale, a
ghastly white color that doesn't seem human. Her complexion contrasts with
her all-black attire. The ghoulish child sits on Inuyasha's lap,
sending a cold chill up his spine.
Inuyasha: Uh...um...what's your name, little girl?
Nanami: You're Santa, aren't you? Shouldn't you know my
name?
Inuyasha: Is your name Wednesday Addams?
Shippo (thinking): He doesn't know when to stop, does
he?
Nanami: You're not the real Santa, are you?
Inuyasha: I hate to break it to you, but there is no Santa.
This is all a big scam to make kids look stupid.
Nanami: I see. It's a scam. Who benefits from this scam?
Inuyasha: Scam...people.
Nanami: And who are they?
Inuyasha: The people who make scams! Like the people who run
the lottery and that crap.
Nanami: Do these "scam people" have names? Or do you not know
those either?
Inuyasha: Just tell me what you want for Christmas, damn it!
Nanami: Why should I tell you? There is no Santa, right?
Inuyasha: Get off my lap, you little waif from Hell!
Nanami gets off Inuyasha's lap and walks away. Shippo giggles.
Shippo: Of all the kids so far, she must have annoyed you the
most.
Inuyasha: No, I can think of one who's even more annoying. He
has a fox tail and a bow in his hair. Sound familiar?
Shippo: Very funny. I'll bring the next kid----OH NO!
Shippo quickly hides his face.
Inuyasha: What?! What is it?
The next child is a girl. She wears a yellowish-orange and white
checker patterned winter coat. Her hair is a little long and there is a
wide smile on her face. Inuyasha's jaw drops when he sees her.
Rin: Hey Santa!
Inuyasha: Rin?
Rin: Wow! You know my name!
Inuyasha (thinking): If she's here, that means...
Inuyasha sees Sesshomaru and Jaken standing in line, waiting for Rin's
turn to end so they can both leave.
Inuyasha (thinking): CRAP! He'd recognize my scent if Kagome
didn't douse me in that cheap cologne before I left the house. It's
also nullifying my sense of smell, or else I would have smelled him
coming. Damn it! Every time I get a job, he shows up!
Inuyasha has flashbacks to the time where he worked at McDonald's.
Sesshomaru, Jaken and Rin entered. Sesshomaru taunted Inuyasha as he
worked. One thing led to another and the entire building was burned to the
ground.
Inuyasha: So, Rin. What do you want for Christmas?
Rin: I don't want toys or anything like that. I want something
for Lord Sesshomaru.
Inuyasha: Oh? And what is that? A kick in his face? Santa can
arrange that for you.
Rin (giggling): You're so silly!
Inuyasha: Heh heh, yeah...
Rin: Lord Sesshomaru rarely smiles and never seems to be happy.
I just want him to be happy, Santa. That's all that I want. Can you
do that for me?
Inuyasha: I...uh...yeah. Santa will grant that wish for
you.
Rin: Yay! Thank you, Santa!
Rin hugs Inuyasha tightly. Shippo smiles, happy that Inuyasha finally
did the job right (or as good as it could get). Unfortunately, the
melted chocolate from Daiki didn't dry completely. It causes the beard to
stick to Rin's hand. When Rin gets off of Inuyasha�s lap, she pulls
his beard off.
Inuyasha: Hey!
Rin: Oops! I'm sorry...Inuyasha?!
The beard is stuck to Rin's hand, leaving Inuyasha's face exposed.
Shippo: Uh oh.
Jaken: M'Lord! Look! HAHAHAHAHA! It's your brother! Look at
the outfit!
Sesshomaru: What a disgrace.
Inuyasha: Cram it, Jaken! You too, Se-blow-maru!
Jaken: Look at the chubby tummy! Hey Inuyasha! Are you having
twins? Triplets? HAHAHA!
Sesshomaru snickers a little.
Inuyasha: Damn you, Jaken!
Jaken: Nice beard! That's the only way a wuss like you would
ever have facial hair!
Inuyasha: SHUT UP!
Jaken: Or what? You'll put a lump of coal in my stocking?
HAHAHA!
Inuyasha grabs a large candy cane from the side of his seat and chases
Jaken with it. He swipes wildly as the little imp runs into a crowd of
shoppers. Inuyasha takes down several people while trying to catch his
prey. As a result, he is taken down by security guards.
Inuyasha: You can't arrest me! I'm Santa Claus!
He struggles to break free. One guard uses his pepper spray on
Inuyasha, causing him to shout out string upon string of profanity. Parents
shield their children's ears from the vulgarity. Sesshomaru is laughing
hysterically, pleased with the sight of his brother being punished.
Rin sees this, smiles, and waves to Inuyasha.
Rin: My wish came true! Thank you, Inuyasha! Merry
Christmas!
Inuyasha is dragged away by the guards. Sesshomaru takes Rin by the
hand and Jaken follows after them. Shippo sighs, rolling his eyes.
Shippo (looks to you): Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
THE END
Inuyasha has a bit of trouble with his eyesight after getting hit
with the pepper spray from the guards. Kagome decides to take him to see
an eye doctor. What will the eye doctor find in Inuyasha�s eyes?
(Hint: think of near the beginning of the "Inuyasha" series...) And will
our half-breed hero need glasses? Next time..."The Eyes Have
It!"