I Saw Mommy Kicking Santa Claus

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Meet Yasha Claus (scroll down)

Inuyasha: FEH!

Shippo: Will you calm down? You only have to do this for four hours.

Inuyasha: And then I have to do it again tomorrow! Damn it!

Shippo: Do you want to help Kagome or not?

Inuyasha: ARGH! FINE!

Shippo (looks to you): Oh! Hey there! It's me, Shippo! But you knew that already, huh? I guess you want to know what's going on with Inuyasha and me. Well, a holiday called "Christmas" is coming up pretty soon. I don't know that much about it. All I know is that people buy or make gifts and exchange them with people that they care for.

Inuyasha: Who the hell are you talking to?

Shippo: Be quiet! Anyway, Kagome wants to buy presents for her friends and family. With all of her loved ones here and in the feudal era, it costs a lot of money to get gifts for everyone. Enter Inuyasha. He offered to get another job to help Kagome earn money for presents. The job he got is...he's something called a "mall Santa."

The setting is a shopping mall in a commercial district of a bustling modern-day Japanese city. Shippo is dressed like an elf. His ears are already pointy, so that helps a bit. His hat is green with a red fuzz ball at the-end. He also sports a green vest over a red turtleneck sweater. Shippo�s shoes are curled at the toes and red all over.

Inuyasha is Santa Claus. He wears the traditional costume, complete with a fake white beard and extra padding in the abdomen area to give him a more "festively plump" appearance. White mittens cover his hands to hide his razor-sharp claws. Inuyasha is slumped down in a throne-like chair, with a giant candy cane on each side, in the center court of the mall. A long line of parents and children wait their turn to talk with this not-so-jolly Saint Nick.

Inuyasha: So all I have to do is sit here, listen to kids beg for stuff, take a picture, and move on to the next one?

Shippo: You might have to hug them too.

Inuyasha: Like hell I will.

Shippo: Inuyasha, you---ooh! Let's just get this started?

The first kid is a young girl brought up to see "Yasha Claus" by her mother. The girl is about six years old with short hair and a pink coat. Fresh, liquid mucus drips from her nose. She sits in Inuyasha's lap.

Inuyasha: What do you want, kid?

Shippo: No! You're supposed to say: "Ho ho ho! What would you like for Christmas, little girl?" That's what Kagome told me.

Inuyasha: Then YOU be Satan Claus.

Shippo: SANTA Claus! And I'm too small for kids to sit in my lap. Just do it.

Inuyasha: Ugh. Ho. Ho. Ho. What do you want, little girl?

Misaki (sniffling): I want a Hello Kitty plushie!

Inuyasha: That's what you want? You should want a tissue; there's snot dripping all over you.

Misaki: Hee hee! Santa, you're so fun--ah...ahh...ACHOO!!!

Inuyasha's beard is covered in mucus. The little girl wipes her face with her hand. She then rubs her hand on Inuyasha�s pant leg. She leaps off his lap and runs back to her mother.

Inuyasha: Why you little...IRON REAVER, SOU---

Shippo: NO!! Killing is illegal, in case you forgot! And it will also get you FIRED!

Shippo gives Inuyasha some paper towels to clean off. The next child, a pudgy boy eating chocolate, slowly walks towards Inuyasha.

Inuyasha: Let me guess. You want a treadmill, ha ha ha!

The large boy sits in Inuyasha's lap. He says nothing and eats his candy.

Inuyasha: If I wasn't a half-demon, the bones in my lap would be broken. Damn!

Shippo: Shhhh! Remember what I told you to say?

Inuyasha: Oh yeah. Ho ho ho! What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Shippo: That's a BOY!

Inuyasha: BAH! You told me to say that!

Shippo: ARGH! You're impossible!

The large boy munches on his candy, staring Inuyasha in the eyes. Melted chocolate drops onto Inuyasha's beard. Inuyasha looks at it and then looks at the boy.

Inuyasha: I hope you�re not planning on eating me once you're finished with that.

An angry woman storms up to Inuyasha. He is the boy's mother.

Daiki's Mom: How dare you! If you must know, Daiki has a glandular problem that makes him look that way!

Inuyasha: Oh really? Is that glandular problem named "Hershey" or "Reese" by any chance?

Irate and infuriated, Daiki's mom kicks Inuyasha in the shin as hard as she can.

Inuyasha: AAAAAHH!

The woman grabs Daiki by the hand and takes him away. Shippo shakes his head.

Shippo: Inuyasha, if you talk out of your mouth instead of your butt, things like this wouldn�t happen.

Inuyasha: Shut up before I deck your halls! Bring up the next kid!

The next child is another boy. But he isn't a child at all. He�s at least fifteen years old. Inuyasha is confused.

Inuyasha: I said "kid", not "giant loser."

Takumi: This sucks. My goofy grandma thinks I'm in first grade. She's making me do this.

Grandma: Sit on his lap, sweetie!

Inuyasha: No, no, no. He's not sitting on my lap. He's way too old.

Takumi: For real. This guy's about my age, Grandma!

Grandma: Please? Do it for me? I don't have many years left on this earth; it would make me die a happy woman.

Inuyasha: You want to die right now, lady? He's NOT sitting on my lap!

The short old lady clutches her umbrella tightly. She stomps over to Inuyasha.

Grandma: Now see here, sonny. I'm paying good money for a picture of my grandson sitting in Santa's lap. I'm going to get that picture too. If not, I'll be forced to get physical with you.

Inuyasha: EWWW!

Grandma: NO! I meant violent! What kind of perverted Santa Claus are you?

Inuyasha: Move out of my way. I've filled my "Ugly Faces Quota" for the evening.

The old lady repeatedly whacks Inuyasha over the head with the umbrella. Five minutes later, a photo is taken of Takumi sitting in Inuyasha�s lap. Takumi and his grandmother leave.

Shippo: Right now, I should tell you to stop opening your mouth. But watching you get kicked and hit like this is too entertaining.

Inuyasha: I'm going to stuff you in a stocking and set it on fire if you don't shut up! NEXT!

The next child has no family with her. She looks to be about eight years old with long hair covering her left eye. Her skin is pale, a ghastly white color that doesn't seem human. Her complexion contrasts with her all-black attire. The ghoulish child sits on Inuyasha's lap, sending a cold chill up his spine.

Inuyasha: Uh...um...what's your name, little girl?

Nanami: You're Santa, aren't you? Shouldn't you know my name?

Inuyasha: Is your name Wednesday Addams?

Shippo (thinking): He doesn't know when to stop, does he?

Nanami: You're not the real Santa, are you?

Inuyasha: I hate to break it to you, but there is no Santa. This is all a big scam to make kids look stupid.

Nanami: I see. It's a scam. Who benefits from this scam?

Inuyasha: Scam...people.

Nanami: And who are they?

Inuyasha: The people who make scams! Like the people who run the lottery and that crap.

Nanami: Do these "scam people" have names? Or do you not know those either?

Inuyasha: Just tell me what you want for Christmas, damn it!

Nanami: Why should I tell you? There is no Santa, right?

Inuyasha: Get off my lap, you little waif from Hell!

Nanami gets off Inuyasha's lap and walks away. Shippo giggles.

Shippo: Of all the kids so far, she must have annoyed you the most.

Inuyasha: No, I can think of one who's even more annoying. He has a fox tail and a bow in his hair. Sound familiar?

Shippo: Very funny. I'll bring the next kid----OH NO!

Shippo quickly hides his face.

Inuyasha: What?! What is it?

The next child is a girl. She wears a yellowish-orange and white checker patterned winter coat. Her hair is a little long and there is a wide smile on her face. Inuyasha's jaw drops when he sees her.

Rin: Hey Santa!

Inuyasha: Rin?

Rin: Wow! You know my name!

Inuyasha (thinking): If she's here, that means...

Inuyasha sees Sesshomaru and Jaken standing in line, waiting for Rin's turn to end so they can both leave.

Inuyasha (thinking): CRAP! He'd recognize my scent if Kagome didn't douse me in that cheap cologne before I left the house. It's also nullifying my sense of smell, or else I would have smelled him coming. Damn it! Every time I get a job, he shows up!

Inuyasha has flashbacks to the time where he worked at McDonald's. Sesshomaru, Jaken and Rin entered. Sesshomaru taunted Inuyasha as he worked. One thing led to another and the entire building was burned to the ground.

Inuyasha: So, Rin. What do you want for Christmas?

Rin: I don't want toys or anything like that. I want something for Lord Sesshomaru.

Inuyasha: Oh? And what is that? A kick in his face? Santa can arrange that for you.

Rin (giggling): You're so silly!

Inuyasha: Heh heh, yeah...

Rin: Lord Sesshomaru rarely smiles and never seems to be happy. I just want him to be happy, Santa. That's all that I want. Can you do that for me?

Inuyasha: I...uh...yeah. Santa will grant that wish for you.

Rin: Yay! Thank you, Santa!

Rin hugs Inuyasha tightly. Shippo smiles, happy that Inuyasha finally did the job right (or as good as it could get). Unfortunately, the melted chocolate from Daiki didn't dry completely. It causes the beard to stick to Rin's hand. When Rin gets off of Inuyasha�s lap, she pulls his beard off.

Inuyasha: Hey!

Rin: Oops! I'm sorry...Inuyasha?!

The beard is stuck to Rin's hand, leaving Inuyasha's face exposed.

Shippo: Uh oh.

Jaken: M'Lord! Look! HAHAHAHAHA! It's your brother! Look at the outfit!

Sesshomaru: What a disgrace.

Inuyasha: Cram it, Jaken! You too, Se-blow-maru!

Jaken: Look at the chubby tummy! Hey Inuyasha! Are you having twins? Triplets? HAHAHA!

Sesshomaru snickers a little.

Inuyasha: Damn you, Jaken!

Jaken: Nice beard! That's the only way a wuss like you would ever have facial hair!

Inuyasha: SHUT UP!

Jaken: Or what? You'll put a lump of coal in my stocking? HAHAHA!

Inuyasha grabs a large candy cane from the side of his seat and chases Jaken with it. He swipes wildly as the little imp runs into a crowd of shoppers. Inuyasha takes down several people while trying to catch his prey. As a result, he is taken down by security guards.

Inuyasha: You can't arrest me! I'm Santa Claus!

He struggles to break free. One guard uses his pepper spray on Inuyasha, causing him to shout out string upon string of profanity. Parents shield their children's ears from the vulgarity. Sesshomaru is laughing hysterically, pleased with the sight of his brother being punished. Rin sees this, smiles, and waves to Inuyasha.

Rin: My wish came true! Thank you, Inuyasha! Merry Christmas!

Inuyasha is dragged away by the guards. Sesshomaru takes Rin by the hand and Jaken follows after them. Shippo sighs, rolling his eyes.

Shippo (looks to you): Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

THE END

Inuyasha has a bit of trouble with his eyesight after getting hit with the pepper spray from the guards. Kagome decides to take him to see an eye doctor. What will the eye doctor find in Inuyasha�s eyes? (Hint: think of near the beginning of the "Inuyasha" series...) And will our half-breed hero need glasses? Next time..."The Eyes Have It!"