7/22/00 Continued . . .
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Evil or Insane? Part Three - Jason
So, after the whole evening was over, I ended up talking to Jason. We were having a nice conversation when he asked me if I was trying to move in on Jenn. I explained that I like Jenn and I want to date her, but I realize it will never happen, even if she dumps Mike. So, instead, I would like to break them up and leave everyone feeling miserable.
He asked me why. I said I have no reason, really. I have nothing to gain or lose. I simply want to make life miserable and annoying for everyone involved. Even if it means being sad myself, it's worth it. I just want to make other people taste what it's like to be me.
Current scenario: Jenn is dating Mike, I want to date Jenn.
Best case scenario: Jenn dumps Mike, goes out with me, Mike is depressed, and commits suicide.
Worst case scario: Jenn dates Mike, I am depressed, and commit suicide.
Most feasible scenario: I make Jenn dump Mike, Mike is depressed, I am depressed, Jenn is depressed.
So, given these four scenarios, my plan is to destroy their relationship so that no one is dating anyone. I want Jenn. I'd love for her to be my girlfriend because she's incredibly sweet and very pretty, but it's impossible. No girl will ever love me. However, I CAN'T let Mike have her. He does not deserve such a nice girl and he will undoubtedly break her heart. It's a shame that Jenn will be hurt by all this, but I don't care enough to stop.
I've lived with misery, frustration, and loneliness for so long. It's time I put some of my hate to good use and make other people feel my pain. Why do I deserve to be the one deprived and lonely? I don't, but it's my fate. At least I can take some people down with me.
Also, I want to extract some revenge on Mike for (a) treating me poorly for many years, (b) stealing my old friends, (c) dating girls that should be mine, and (d) kicking me out of his house in eighth grade. Jason said revenge isn't the way to go. I disagree.
So, am I evil or insane? Evil - I want to destroy their relationship for revenge and out of jealousy without a single iota of compassion for an innocent girl. Insane - destroying the relationship will only hurt me and leave me depressed. In fact, I will probably be MORE depressed to have Jenn reject me for no reason.
I still don't know. It's so difficult, sometimes.
Today is my 18th Birthday
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday, Dear Morgan,
Happy Birthday to me.