7/22/00
Evil or Insane? Part One - Claggart
My first experience involving serial murder was in 1991, when Jeffrey Dahmer's crimes were discovered. I saw the cover of a newsweek magazine, which had a picture of Jeff and, underneath, said, "EVIL OR INSANE?" This was during the trial, when his sanity was in question.
By the way, I feel a kinship with Jeff. Now THERE was a necrophile!
That's just a little introduction. Here's my entry:
In "Billy Budd," by Herman Melville, the protanganist (Billy) has his life ruined intentionally by a man named Claggart. Why does Claggart maliciously hurt Billy? He's not greedy; he has nothing to gain. He's has no history of rivalry with Billy. He does it for absolutely no reason. In my belief, Claggart is the first sociopath in literature. He has no clear objective and he's not "evil" (Demonic), he just has no concern for anyone except himself. He feels no guilt or remorse.
Why do I do things? I am trying to figure this out. Am I like Claggart, setting out to harm people just "for the hell of it"? I considered this possiblity for a long time, that I was just an incarnation of evil with no conscience. After all, I do have no conscience. When I do badly, I don't care. I do mean things without the slightest consideration for people's feelings. It just comes with the territory.
However, there's yet another facet of the mystery to explore. When I set out to be evil, I do not care what harm I cause to myself, physically or emotionally. I do self-destructive things. (Not suicidal, that's a whole 'nother ballgame.) I am perfectly willing to sabotage my own life to help ruin someone else's.
Isn't selfishness a traditional characteristic of an evil person? Why aren't I looking out for my own self-interests, hurting those who threaten me, exploiting those when it is profitable, and watching my own back? The second possibility, besides evil, is insanity.
Maybe I really am going insane. Sometimes, I certainly feel like it. I want to go on crazy rampages for no reason, hurt those who have no offended me. Sometimes, I think of doing destructive, but non-lethal things to get myself committed. I know I don't belong on the streets. I'm too dangerous. Sometimes I scream for no reason and freak out in public. The fact that I do much of this with disregard for myself suggests I am not in complete control of my mental faculties.
Don Juan thinks I'm insane because I have a fantasy about bringing girls' heads home with me after I kill them, even though it's dangerous from an evidence standpoint. He doesn't understand that it's another part of my necrophilic fantasies. I'll explain that in another entry, though.
Evil or Insane?
Evil or Insane? Part Two - Jenn
Yesterday, I started my day with a good plan. I went over to Jenn's house and picked her up around one o' clock. My intention was to spend the whole day with her, make her like me, and fill her head with bad feelings toward's Mike. My plan is to ruin her relationship with Mike. I want her to realize what an evil bastard he is and dump him. Hopefully, she would go out with me instead.
Well, my plan didn't go perfectly. As soon as I got her, she informed me that she had we'd be getting together with John, Mike, and Jason. So, we ended up going to John's house and getting him. I only spent about twenty minutes alone with Jenn.
Anyway, John, Jenn and I went to the movies and saw "What Lies Beneath." Then, we went and picked up Jason. We drove to the mall where we ate dinner. Jenn wanted to get Mike. I said it was a bad idea because there was limited room in my car. In truth, I just didn't want him to interfere with Jenn's and my "bonding."
My fears were unfounded, however. Mike completely ignored her the whole evening! He didn't say one word for her for several hours. In fact, he ditched her in Borders several times. Who did she come to looking to complain to and for advice? Little ol' me. I tried to keep her company in the absence of her boyfriend. Believe me, I wasn't complaining about the job.
We went to John's house after playing miniature golf. Mike continued to ignore her and I offered to bring her home, but John convinced her to stay. Whenever Mike wasn't around, I would point out to her how she was being mistreated. John and Jason caught on and weren't pleased with me. Eventually, she had to be home by her curfew.
For SOME reason, Mike came along. He ended up talking to her in her yard for twenty minutes while I waited. They ended up kissing and hugging. I believe Mike has managed to reaffirm her faith in him. I still know it's a crock of bullshit from him. He treated her badly all night and then brought her back with a few nice words. I was seriously considering murdering him. My rage was burning as I drove back in silence.
Am I evil or insane?