7/13/00 Continued . . .
Fighting with Mom
Last night, I got in a fight with my mom and I would like to tell you about it. First, I'll give you some background on my mother. She is incredibly annoying and stupid. She doesn't really doing anything too severe. She isn't abusive or domineering or anything, but she just really gets on my nerves. Ever since she had breast cancer, she's been irritating, irrational, and pathetic. Last night, I couldn't take it anymore.
I had just sat down at the computer and my mom told me to get off so she could use the phone. She wanted to call someone even though she didn't need to and I HATE being told what to do, so I refused. I could feel the anger simmering inside me. I said, "I'm starting to get mad," and she said, "Yeah, well me too." To that, I replied, "Well I'm a lot bigger than you," and she said, "Is that supposed to be a threat?"
I signed off, walked over to her, and ripped the phone out of her hands, knocking her over in the process. She fell into the corner of my room, landing on my hamper and some boxes. She was yelling something at me, but I wasn't listening.
I took the phone into the next room and smashed it on the floor. It broke into several pieces which scattered around the room. Then, I began slamming my fist on the wall until I broke a big hole in it. I walked into the kitchen.
Then, my mom came in and started telling me to "get out" and took my keys. I don't know why she took my keys if she wanted me to leave, but that just goes to show you how stupid she is. So, instead of leaving, I spit in her face and screamed, "Fuck you!" I told her how much I hated her, how stupid she was, how much of an embarassment she was to both of us, how I wished she would get cancer again, how I thought about killing her, and I told her that if I had a gun, I would have shot her right there.
She ran upstairs. I fixed the phone and left on foot. I walked over to my friend John's and stayed there until about two in the morning. Then, I went home. I talked my dad about the situation and told him that I thought about killing him too.
Neither of my parents understand how much rage is built up inside me. They think I'm all happy and friendly. In truth, I'm a bomb waiting to explode. They don't realize that I hate them. They don't realize that I don't care about anyone or anything. I am a compassionless monster.
Today, I told my psychologist about the incident. My psychologist asked me if I felt sorry for it. I said I didn't. I regret doing it because of all the hassle it's caused, but I'm not sorry. I hate my mother and I'm glad if I made her cry. I'd do it again in a heart-beat.
The truth is - when I was smashing things and going berserk, I felt truly alive. Usually, I am so meek and shy. However, I am physically enormous at 6'5" 294 lbs. When I was going crazy, I felt as if I was living up to my full potential as a destroyer. However, my mom is a boring target for my rage. I need to find more fun ways to vent it.
Perhaps a pretty girl at the mall . . .
Mike Smith
I want to tell you about my friend, Mike Smith. Some changes have been going on in his life which have made me incredibly bitter and resentful. I met Mike in sixth grade. He was a shy, unconfident dork who thought he was the biggest loser in the world. He wasn't, but he wasn't too far behind.
We became friends over the years. Well, maybe that's not an accurate description. He was my friend. I don't think I was ever his. You see, Mike seemed to want to be rid of me at all times. He never appreciated my friendship. He acted as if I didn't matter to him at all. That was fine, though. I knew he did it because he was insecure and self-centered. It was a problem he would have to work out on his own. I stuck by him.
Mike, Jason, Dan, Chris, and I were all friends. Mike had something none of us had - he was good-looking. If he wanted to, he could actually get girls. Still, he was too wrapped up in self-hatred and paranoia to persue a relationship. He just sulked and got angry. The rest of us tried to encourage him, but he always resisted.
Then, everything changed for Mike. Well, sort of. He got contacts! Somehow, this increased his self-esteem and he was able to pursue girls. Since then, he has had several girlfriends. Currently, he is dating a very pretty and sweet girl named Jenn. Also, he has integrated himself into my group of old friends from elementery school. Now, they like him more than me.
If Mike had come by this new-found popularity and confidence honestly, I would have no problems. However, he has not made any changes in his personality. He is still the same obnoxious, ill-tempered, spiteful, insecure, uncompassionate, lying, paranoid creep he has always been. Just because he doesn't wear glasses and plays hackey-sack doesn't mean he's a better person. I notice it occasionally. Usually, he acts all funny and cool, but I know how to bring out his true nature.
I would like to do this around Jenn, so she would realize what an asshole he is. In the end, she is only going to have her heart broken. I would like to reveal his dark nature to her so she doesn't have to be hurt. I wish she could realize what an awful person he is.
Jealous? Probably, but I'm still right.