Horrorscopes Issue #14 - By Fartimir

Azog (Sept 23 – Oct 23)

Just remember what Confucius says: “Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.”

Belegurth (Oct 24 – Nov 21)

You will find out how fun it is to not bathe and wear deodorant for 2 weeks and then go to a job interview.

Gorthaur (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You will finally find the person of your dreams!  However, your binoculars will not help with talking to that person.

Scatha (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

I have some bad news about that baby you will give birth to this month.  It will look like you.

Glaurung (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Sometime soon, you will get pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.  Good look trying to remember how to spell it. 

Carcharoth (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Just because your husband has a bunch of back hair doesn’t mean that you can have it, too.

Ancalagon (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Stay away from Elves!

Ungoliant (Apr 20 – May 20)

That little accident involving a bomb and a government building will finally come back to haunt you.

Murezor (May 21 – June 21)

You had better think twice about wearing that deer costume while hiking in the woods during hunting season.

Gothmog (June 22 – July 22)

If you continue to ignore your child’s pleas of letting him out of the basement, they will soon go away.

Draugluin (July 23 – Aug 22)

You will find out that you were wrong to leave that little blemish on your right hand unchecked because it will soon swell up to the size of a golf ball.

Thuringwethil (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

That case of Ebola that you got from eating those McDonald’s hamburgers was not a prize for eating there