| September 9th, 2001 "it's been a long, long time since I've looked into the mirror, I guess that I was blind, Now my reflection's getting clearer, Now that you're gone thing will never be the same again." -Michelle Branch Dear A, I don't know why the hell I have the urge to write you this, or if infact I will ever give it to you. The quote above is rather reminicent of you in my mind. How, you wonder? I've never known who I am, my life has been one big 'discovery' which has brought me much pain and fear. To this day, it's been hard for me to look at myself, but I'm trying harder these days and seeing a faint glimmer of the person I might be. I fear somehow I will never know who Eva Dawn is. So there's the first part of the quote... For the second: You've been the first 'male' in my life I've been able to approach without fear of being hurt in the end. Now I find in reality you've hurt me almost as much as every other man I've known. I trusted, and gave you more of myself than I've ever given someone on my own freewill. I do not regret that, in the sense that it helped me find part of who I am. I do regret that in the sense that I've given it to the wrong person. Things aren't the same now that you're gone. Not only could you not tell me where we stood, but we're not even really friends. Okay, wait, we're friends, we just never talk. I guess I'll never get used to the feeling when I give someone my trust and thely slowly sink away once I've shared sides of me that I don't share with just anyone. The physical aspects of whatever the fuck we were, I still do not understand. Random lust, I suppose? When you touch(ed) me I felt special, I guess I shouldn't have tried to fool myself. I understand guys don't think that much about anything along those lines, nor does it matter half as much to them as it would me. So now I'm left with a decision. To go ahead and continue trying to chase you down, and to even have a friendship I feel as if I'm the only one. Or go ahead and let it face, as all my friendships have, into something halfassed and one sided. I love you (as a friend) and value your friendship and the role you play in my life. Sometimes I don't know if I can play hunter for prey that doesn't exist. Which I feel like we don't esixt except for that two second hug, which I usually have to initate anyhow. Please try to see where I'm coming from. I understand you are busy and don't have time, but I don't see that you are too busy for everyone else. Maybe it's all the lagistics/drama of highschool but that doesn't change what kind of people we become, and are. Maybe I had it all wrong and out of proportion. That nothing we were was really as important as I thought it was, and everything else in my life has been the same. If so then everything doesn't mean that much, and it really wouldn't change much if I just gave up on it all. Give up on 'friends. Give up on emotions. Give up on family Give up on anything that's ever really mattered to me. And I guess that's why I'm writing you, because you did/do matter to me. You helped me say 'fuck it' to the truly stupid stuff. You listened to my crying and rambling and stupidity. You helped me see there was something beyond my own darkness and the way I emotionally and physically scarred myself. Now I've said all that I've really ever wanted to say but I just haven't been able to say, or I've been doped up on my anti-depressants (which I'm not now, this is really me). I've found the words that have evaded me for so long. Having said these things, if what little we have left was to decrease further, I wouldn't feel as if I hadn't told you what I wanted to. So sorry if this is redundant. Nor am I trying to be critical of you or place blame on you. Take this for what it is, my heart and soul in the last way I have to give to you. "And now I see I can be me in everything I do." -Michelle Branch Love Always Eva |