Thoughts
Days go by and I write nothing Journal Entry: Mon May 17, 2004, 12:00 PM I think of nothing, therefore I am nothing. nothing to wirte about, eccept Baka Lain Girl & Tom. You both are awesome, despite my happy little exterior on Friday night, i was depressed. As always. You guys made me feel better with what you did. It makes me think that i might let others start to like or even love me. And maybe i'll even let me love myself. *doubt* *tears at skool* WHY DOES MY LIFE SUCK! I fucking hate my mom i hope she reads this, what you said to me about me moving out on saturday before the party really PISSED me off. Its so stupid, why are you only a bitch to me, what about tiffany? doesn't she piss you off even more than me. Or is it because my words struck a chord within my mom. Gotta go, photography teacher is on my ass about getting to work....... what work?!? ja ne
Feeling...Thoughts...Nothing Journal Entry: Tue Jun 8, 2004, 1:59 AM Oh its true now...i really really truly believe that i am alone. Even with "friends" surrounding me i am alone in my mind and out. I could surround myself with someone I like(or love) but i'm still alone because in the end they don't like me back, no one ever does. No one ever will. I know people say i'll find some, but if i'm dead i won't have to bother to keep looking for that "someone just for me". Don't bother to talk me out of anything. I know that ever thing i do is a mistake and that I myself am a mistake... I DON'T CARE! But it hurts... so deep inside. To where i don't want to feel this pain anymore... I want a release, but i can't cut... I won't cut...I can't bleed...I just can't bleed. Don't think i don't want to, but no matter how deep i go i just cant push my hands any further down to the point of bleeding. And if i do bleed, someone stops me. They say there my friend and they don't want me to cut, they think i'm trying to kill myself, but i'm not. I'm just trying to get a release from this of what your reading... all these thoughts...alll this pain. Its all bottled up inside me, it's not like anyone will read this, and what if they do, what will they reply? Like i'd care about what'd they say, they'd say they do but they really don't. So why should I? Why should anyone care about some wannabe girl who cuts her wrists and smokes to "fit in" or smokes to have a reason to be like everyone else. At least smokings something will kill me that doesn't hurt now. But i wish something would hurt now, or someone. I just wish someone would hurt me, not phisically, but emotionally so i'd actually have a reason to be depressed, to cry myself to sleep every ngiht not knowing why. But can i help it, has it come to be a habbit like cutting? Can anyone help it? Or am i the only one? Am I alone? Or am I the only one with anything? Is everyone else alone because they have someone else? Or am I alone because i have nothing but myself?
tourment Journal Entry: Tue Jun 8, 2004, 1:58 AM why am i tourmented by all these thoughts in my head, why am i never able to be happy or get happy, why do i question my being. these question and much more are all shooting thru my head. why? help me! Why can't i think of anyone but you, did you do this to me? why you, why not him. why not anyone. I can't stand all these thoughts. why do thoughts have to be in my mind. why not images, No not images either. oh this tourment, this pain inside of me boiling up wanting to come out. Why didn't i say that i liked you, now i'll probally never see you again. why do i not mention names you may ask, b/c i can't, to say his name would be like speaking of my own or someone elses forseen death, YOU DON'T. I don't, i'd never do it. why can't i admit any of my crushes. Maybe thats why i'm so alone. but do i have to be alone. why all these thoughts of you and me? it'd never work, i know it. but it could, if i just went for it. but i can't, my self esteem is so low i can't even form the words to say to you in my head. I HATE YOU. I HATE MYSELF FOR EVER LIKING YOU! ... damn, i need a cigarette!
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