Part Eight
Kim sat back, stunned. She couldn't believe the lack of emotion in Kerry's voice, the frustration. "Kerry, I...I thought you'd be happy." Her voice was barely audible.
"Happy? Shocked is more like it. Kim, you just turned up in my ER from nowhere, and you did it to me all over again. I'm still taking this in." Kerry had managed to become a little more reasonable, having seen the hurt on Kim's face. "I've had a hell of a year, Kim. Finding you, loosing you, finding myself, finding Sandy, loosing her, and now you here again. Right back to square one. I'm worn out." At this point, Kerry's voice cracked and gave out, and she just sat and looked at Kim, her face expressionless.
Kim finally took a really long look at the older woman, and saw that the year really had taken its toll. Although there was a faint sparkle to her eyes, the life that Kim remembered was all but gone, and the dark lines traced under Kerry's eyes spoke of exhaustion and turmoil. Her skin, once toned and almost translucent now carried a faint gray sheen and was just beginning to hang slack. Now that the lab coat was removed, Kim could see that the redhead was too thin. She looked like a woman defeated, with nowhere left to go. Hurt, frustration and exhaustion were etched onto her delicate face, and as Kim peered closer, she saw a tear fall down Kerry's cheek as she started to shake silently.
Kim reached across and enveloped the now-sobbing Kerry in her arms, dropping light kisses onto the top of her head. They sat for long minutes, until the sobs subsided and Kerry was quiet once more.
Pulling away from Kim, she wiped her eyes on her sleeve and looked up at the blonde, smiling weakly. She swallowed once, found her voice. "Kim, I'm sorry, this is all so overwhelming. You here, you still do it to me. What we had is clearly still there...nothing's changed, and yet everything has. Does that make sense?" Kim nodded, understanding exactly what Kerry meant. How they could spend so much time apart, change as people and fall back into each other again. Kerry continued. "You're here, and yes, I want you back in my life. But I can't do it all at once, Kim. You may stay in the basement, for now, but that's it. That's all I have." With that, Kerry fell silent. There it was, she'd laid it out. She took a deep breath and looked up at the blonde. It was up to her now.
Kim was speechless. She saw what coming here must have done to Kerry, and was amazed at her resolve. Kerry was clearly in pain, yet she'd found strength from somewhere and opened a door. Finally, she spoke. "Kerry, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I can see how hard this is, and I'm sorry. I didn't really think this through, I just had to see you. Then I get here....and what happens now?
"I honestly don't know. Let's just play it by ear. But we have to be honest. Kim, this scares the hell out of me, starting this again. If you leave again, you'll break my heart, and I don't know if I could live through that again. The only way for this to work is for us not to hide behind anything...work, sex, whatever. I really want this to work." Kerry finally voiced her overwhelming desire, and glanced over at the younger woman, amazed by her ability to make everything seem so simple. She was here, so Kerry would try again. However, she'd meant what she said. This was the last chance - Kerry still wasn't sure how she'd survived last summer, and she knew she wouldn't survive a second heartbreak.
Kim opened her mouth, but found herself unable to speak. She was overwhelmed by love for this astonishing woman, overwhelmed by the fact that Kerry was willing to try again. And stunned by her honesty. She knew Kerry, and she knew how much such vulnerability cost her. Eventually she spoke. "You're right. If we hide from each other again, then we'll never make it. But I want us to make it, Ker. I wouldn't have come otherwise." Kim stopped as she realised that was all there was. She could fashion any number of poetic sentences to end the evening on a high note, but it would have contributed nothing. What had been said was all that needed saying. Kim was here and Kerry was sitting next to her. No more was needed, no less would suffice.
"Come on, I'm going to bed. You know where the apartment is. You'll find everything you need down there. I'm on at nine, so I may not see you." Kerry got up and walked towards the stairs with a wave goodnight.
Once upstairs, Kerry showered then got into bed. A half hour later she was still lying there, staring up at the ceiling, unable to sleep despite her exhaustion. She could not believe all that had happened in the past twelve hours, but had a feeling that somehow it was all for the best. That settled, she rolled over and finally fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.
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