BELVOIR PARK HOSPITAL – WEEK 4 AS AN INPATIENT

 

On Friday 09/05/03, Gillian Glasgow (Ruth’s niece) gave me a lift in and, when we arrived at Belvoir Park Hospital, Ruth was in not very good form.   She complained of being uncomfortable and that she was suffering from pain.   So we enlisted the help of a nurse and together we eventually managed to get her comfortable.   But after about only 10 minutes or so, she said she wanted a fag.   So we got her a wheel chair and took her out into the garden and then later into the smoking room, where, after a while, she began complaining of pain again.   So we took her back to her bed, where she began crying out in agony and pleading for a diamorphine injection, which they gave her reluctantly.   She then slept for several hours.

            When Ruth woke up, the physio came to do some physiotherapy on her.    During the process, she told Ruth that her knee pains were probably being caused by a shrunken hamstring in her right leg and, right enough, after some exercises, things seemed to get easier.   Later, when we were in the smoking room, Ruth continued with her exercises, which seemed to be working, because she appeared to be more mobile, which was really pleasing.   However, Ruth came to hate the sight of the physio, because not only did the exercises cause her a lot of discomfort and pain, but they never actually achieved anything lasting.   It soon became apparent to me, that the pain in Ruth’s knees was not caused by shrunken hamstring muscles, but by the cancer in her spine.   I feel such regret, that poor wee Ruth had to endure all the agony of those pointless physio exercises.

            There was, however, something that was pleasing me a lot.   Shortly after Ruth went on that awful taxol chemo, she began to lose her hair, including her beautiful, long, distinctive eyelashes, which eventually disappeared completely, along with her eyebrows.  But now I could see quite clearly, that her eyelashes and eyebrows were returning and this was lovely.

            During the day I put my hand on her and said a prayer, pleading for spontaneous regression i.e. “Dear Lord, through me, through my hand, place your healing hand on Ruth and rid her of this awful disease and restore her to good health, so that she can carry out good works on your behalf.”   

Val English came and she enjoyed his visit.

            When we left her, she seemed quite settled, calm and contented, which was good.   But I was still very worried about her and feared she had not got long to go.

 

On Saturday 10/05/03, Joy P, Mel and Lisa (her former colleagues from the Sanctuary in Hastings, England, who had flown over just for the day) were already there by the time I arrived.   Ruth had been lucky enough in the morning to have bumped into a temporary nurse, who had helped her wash and dress and, as a result, she looked extremely bright, clean and smart.    Furthermore her head was more erect than I had seen it for some time and I took this to be a sign, that the radiotherapy was doing its work on the cancer in her upper spine.

She really enjoyed the girls’ company and there was much laughter.   However, it was very, very sad when it eventually came to time to say goodbye.   Although I always tried not to cry in front of Ruth, I could not help it that day, because it was all so upsetting.   Poor wee Ruth and I wept, as we clung on to each other after the girls had disappeared out of sight.   What those girls did that day was absolutely brilliant.  They had really made Ruth happy and that was unforgettably fantastic. 

            Mandy and David arrived later and she enjoyed their company.   When it was eventually time for us to go, she accompanied us, as per usual, round to the TV room, where we kissed and said our goodbyes.   Then as we made our way down to Mandy’s car, she beetled away back down the corridor to the window of her ward, where she waited until we drove past her window.   As per usual, she waved and gave us a big smile.   I always enjoyed that sight immensely, although sadly, I think that was the last night, she was ever able to do it.   

            It had been quite a good day for Ruth.   Although she’d had pain in her knee and seemed very wobbly, she did not seem to have much pain anywhere else.   Furthermore she seemed less stooped and bent and her neck was definitely more supple.   But she did look so weak and frail.

                       

On Sunday 11/05/03, when I arrived in at Ruth’s bedside, I found Maggie McCauley there and a very drowsy Ruth.   She also looked very depressed and I learned that this was as a result of a very distressing incident that had occurred earlier that morning, when Ruth had fallen out of bed.   Apparently 6 nurses had left her lying on the floor for some time, while they had tried to operate a hoist with a flat battery and unfortunately, one of them had also told her to stop crying, because it was “disturbing other patients”.   It broke my heart that such a thing should happen to such a kindly wee soul, who had done so much for so many people over so many years, less than one week before her death in very distressing circumstances.   Luckily Jimmy Armstrong had appeared soon after to give her a warm hug and some comfort.

           Later on, when Ruth and I were on our way down the corridor hand in hand, Ethel appeared and all three of us continued to the smoking room, where Billy joined us some time later.   Poor wee Ruth had obviously been badly distressed by the incident with nurses in the morning and was chain smoking.   She told me several times, that she was afraid of going to bed that night, in case she fell out again.   I thought this was very, very sad.

 

            Later on, after Ethel and Billy had left, Mandy came, followed shortly afterwards by Pamela Martin (Ruth’s niece), who lifted her spirits.   Then just as Mandy and I were getting ready to go, Bill and Ida turned up.   When we left, Ruth seemed to be a lot more cheerful.      

 

Monday 12/05/03.  With regard to her physical state, Ruth seemed to have no pain, apart from that debilitating one in her right knee, which was making it difficult for her to walk.   But I hoped that this pain would go away soon.

            I was quite pleased to note, that there did not appear to have been any further deterioration in Ruth since the previous day.   Furthermore, she said that she did not even think about the cancer any more and that she felt that it was going away.   She added that she was confident, that with all the people who were praying for her, both over here and in England, God would not let her die.   As for myself, every time I was near her, I put my hands on her and prayed for this awful disease to go away.    I thought that it would be absolutely fantastic, if there could be spontaneous regression in her cancer.

 

[Note: I learned later, that although spontaneous regression does occur in some very rare cancer cases, it never happens with stage 4 lung cancer]

 

            I went out for a walk in the afternoon while Ruth was asleep and when I came back, I found Barry O’Donnell there.    Ruth was so pleased to see him, because not only was she very fond of him, but he had given her so much support over the phone when she had been at home.   Ruth had always found Barry’s support very helpful because, having survived cancer himself, he understood exactly all the horrors and nightmares she was going through.    I had previously heard, that although he had been happy ringing Ruth up, he was averse to coming to see her in hospital, because of the many bad memories it would bring back for him.   So I admired him for overcoming his fears and making Ruth so happy with his visit.

            Later on, I helped Ruth have a wash and put on fresh clothes and, as per usual, whenever I helped her in this way, she kissed me most affectionately as a form of thank you.

I hoped that she would get a bed soon in the Hospice Rehab Unit, for I was convinced that that was the best place for her.

 

On Tuesday 13/05/03, Ruth seemed very tired and depressed, when I got in.   The poor wee thing had had double incontinence during the night, which had demoralised her.  The pains in her knees were also still hurting her badly and she had done some crying and screaming earlier on.    In fact she told me several times, that if the pain in her knees was going to continue being so bad, she hoped that the Lord would take her.   The poor wee thing, her mobility had become so bad, that they had given her a Zimmer frame to help her move around.

            She was really looking forward to spending a day alone with me, but then Kay and Andrea appeared, followed closely by Ethel, Ruth and Billy, and then by Jimmy.   Although she enjoyed their company, she was exhausted by the time they all left and, after another bout of crying in the smoking room, we went back to her bay, where she sat in the chair and fell asleep for 2 hours, which seemed to do her quite a lot of good, because when Mandy and David arrived she was in far better form.   But she was very weak and frail and seemed to be wasting away.    Furthermore she could hardly walk.   I just wished I could go in there some day and see some improvement.   I thought that it would be really nice, if she could fulfil her dream and get home.

 

THE LAST EVER PHOTOGRAPH OF RUTH ALIVE, TAKEN ON TUESDAY, 13^thMAY.

DESPITE EVERYTHING, THE POOR WEE SOUL WAS STILL ABLE TO SMILE.

HER SPIRIT WAS TRULY AMAZING!

THE LADY WITH RUTH IS KATHLEEN MURPHY

THIS PHOTO WAS VERY KINDLY DONATED BY DENISE HEALY

 

On Wednesday 14/05/03, Ruth was in her bed in a kind of coma, when I arrived in.   Apparently she had woken up in such distress and pain, that they’d had no option but to give her a diamorphine injection, which had knocked her out.   After speaking to Barbara, a nurse, I learned that Ruth had been doubly incontinent again and because this problem was causing her so much distress, she had agreed to have a catheter inserted.    Barbara also told me that Ruth’s cancer was now so bad, that they did not know where it would attack next.   She also intimated, that there was no way that Ruth would ever go home again and furthermore, she did not have long to live.   I also learned that Trudi O’Donnell had visited Ruth before my arrival, but had found the whole thing so distressing, that she had left in tears.

            Ruth slept until about 4.15 pm, when the nurses woke her up to clean her up and insert the catheter.    I then took her to the smoking room in a wheel chair, where she had some scrambled egg, which Paul, the very kind domestic, had personally got for her.   Later on Doctor C appeared with the clinical senior nurse and told Ruth that she would be going on a different type of pain killer, which would be introduced into her system by a syringe driver.   Doctor C added that if this drug did not work, they would continue trying others until they eventually found one that did work.

            At one point, when we were going into the smoking room, Ruth noticed some old gentleman sitting in the TV lounge with a tube going up his nose and she said rather sadly, “I do not want to go to the hospice, if there are people like that there”.   Little did she know then, but that little old man was going to outlive her.

            It was quite nice in the smoking room that night and although Ruth could hardly move, she was in good form.   I remember one particular moment when she stood up to give her knee some relief and another patient (also called Ruth) made some quip about her.  Well my wee Ruth wobbled her way round the table, waving her arm stiffly like it was a kind of club and screwing up her face like she was a monster.   I thought it was very funny and demonstrated yet again her tremendous sense of humour and her spirit.  

There was another sad wee moment when she told someone “There’s a man in there who’s dying of cancer”.

            Although there had been some good moments during the day, poor wee Ruth still seemed so weak and tired.   Also all her muscles seemed to be wasting away rapidly.

            Someone died on the ward that night, but luckily Ruth was unaware of it.

            I hoped she would be a bit better and brighter the next morning.

 

Thursday 15/05/03.  When I got in, I found that they had moved Ruth into a single room.    Ruth made it clear that she was unhappy with the move.   She said that she did not like the room and that it made her feel claustrophobic.   I remember feeling very uneasy myself, because I felt that they had moved her to that single room, because they knew she was going to die quite soon and they did not want this to happen in a ward where there were other patients.

Ruth said she wanted to go for a smoke, but when she tried to stand up, she cried out in pain so loudly, that Barbara, the nurse came.    I immediately felt disappointed, because I assumed that the new pain killing drugs were not working.    But apart from that incident, she did not seem to experience any more pain in her knees during all the time I was with her that day.    It struck me at the time, that it was an awful pity that they had not tried this drug on Ruth at least a week earlier!  .

 

[Note: With regard to all the pain that Ruth experienced, I subsequently learned that, although cancer is relatively pain free for 95% of patients, about 5% can suffer from extreme pain that cannot be alleviated by drugs and that unfortunately, poor wee Ruth was one of the very unlucky 5%!]

 

            Ruth was very depressed and agitated the whole day and by the time 6.00 pm came, I was feeling totally exhausted.    She asked me at one stage if I thought she was going to die, but I said firmly “I certainly hope not!”    She also told someone else that she was done and another lovely lady patient, Avery, that she had lost all hope (luckily Avery was able to talk her round into having hope again, which was absolutely brilliant!).  

Ruth seemed to have lost her appetite and was not drinking enough fluids.   Furthermore she seemed to have lost 90% power in her left hand as well.   She looked and felt so weak, that I found it hard to see her living much longer.    But it was difficult to tell how bad she actually was, because I did not know what effect all the drugs were having on her i.e. they could have been making her seem worse than she actually was.  

            At one stage, when we were outside sitting in a quiet part of the garden, enjoying one of our very rare, beautiful moments alone together, I put my arm around Ruth and pulled her into my body.   She used to love me doing that because she said she felt safe in my arms.   And as we sat there in silence and so close together, listening to the birds singing in the trees, she bowed her wee head forward and I rested mine against it.   She felt so weak and fragile and my heart bled for her.  The poor wee soul.  

When I kissed her goodnight, I noticed her lips were cold and weak and I was almost sure that the end was very near.

            Visitors: Jimmy Armstrong, Gillian Glagow, Kay Forsythe and her daughter Andrea and grandson Cameron, Billy, Ethel and Ruth McKeown (who took her for her last ever walk down to the church), Mandy and David, Bill and Ida O’Donnell (who probably took her for her last ever cigarette)

 

To read about Ruth’s death and the days that followed, click on RUTH’S DEATH

 

To return to the start of this section, click on WEEK 4 AS AN INPATIENT

 

To return to the very start, click on RUTH ELLIS