RUTH’S DEATH AND THE DAYS THAT FOLLOWED

 

Friday 16/05/03.   I got a phone call from Belvoir Park Hospital at 7.20 am informing me that Ruth was poorly and had asked for me to come.   So I rang Mandy, David and Ethel, who most kindly agreed to ring the other members of Ruth’s family.   My first instinct was to get a taxi to the hospital, but I quickly came to the conclusion that because of the early morning rush hour traffic congestion, the quickest way to Belvoir Park Hospital would actually be by train into Central Station, Belfast, where I would get a taxi  to the hospital.   But of course I was wrong because there were unexpected and extremely agonising delays on the train etc.   So I did not arrive until about 9.15 am.  

I met Jimmy Armstrong in the corridor outside Ruth’s room and he was very upset.   When I went into Ruth’s room, she was obviously in a great deal of distress and virtually comatose.   Apparently the fear was that she had a perforated bowel. 

 

 [Note: I learned subsequently that an X-ray by a mobile X-ray machine indicated that it was not a perforated bowel, because there was no evidence of any air under the diaphragm] 

 

It was so upsetting to see her in such a state that I burst into tears.   When Gillian arrived later, I wept again. 

I was then called aside by a young doctor, who informed me that Ruth’s condition was so extremely serious, that she probably had very little time to live. 

After I left the doctor, I then learned that the woman who had been in the room beside Ruth, had died at 6.30 am that morning.  This made me feel very uneasy, because she was the second person to die within 2 days and there is a saying, that deaths always come in threes!

 

It went on to be a very long day.   Ruth was in an extremely agitated and disturbed state and kept wanting to get out of bed.    It was a very difficult and demanding situation, but Mandy and Gillian did a tremendous job over a period of hours, trying to calm her down.

Because she mentioned wanting a smoke two or three times, I assumed that this was why she kept wanting to get out of bed.  But because she was wearing an oxygen mask and was on a drip etc, it just was not practicable for her to get in and out of bed and that is why we kept trying to persuade her to remain there.   However, I subsequently felt very bad, that I had not done more to get her in and out of bed when she had pleaded with me, because, by not doing more for her in this respect, I had probably made her state of anxiety and distress worse.   Furthermore, I regret now that I did not shut the doors of the room, switch off the oxygen for a few minutes and let her have a few puffs on a cigarette, if that is what would have given her some comfort.

Poor wee Ruth was obviously very, very distressed.   She also seemed to be delirious and rambled on quite a bit.   She appeared to mention ‘Benmore’ and also something else about being near the ‘water’ (which was very strange, because her brother Winston had also apparently said these things just before he died).    She then turned her head towards me and said something about her wanting me to join her soon.   She appeared ‘wild eyed’ and did not seem to be focusing too well.   Furthermore when she looked towards me, it was almost as if she was looking through me.   On top of that, during the whole time I was there, she only seemed to acknowledge my presence twice, which was a wee bit unsettling, because it was almost as if she did not know I was there.   But then the person in the bed was not the Ruth of the day before.

At one point, one of the other patients (the one also called Ruth) said she wanted to say goodbye and when she was ushered in, she said a few words to Ruth, whose eyes were closed.   Poor wee Ruth gave her a wee flicker of a smile and that was the last time I ever saw that magical smile of hers.

We all tried our best to settle her down, but it took a very long time.   However, at long last, she eventually fell asleep.   She slept for about 5 hours and it was such a lovely sight.  She looked so peaceful, that I even began to feel a wee bit of hope.  

 

The people who were there that morning were Jimmy Armstrong, Gillian Glasgow, Mandy Ellis, Willie Clawson, David Ellis, Ethel and Billy McKeown, Bill and Ida O’Donnell, and Pamela Martin.      

 

When Ruth eventually awoke, she became extremely agitated again and kept wanting to get out of bed.    It was very hard work trying to keep her in the bed and also persuade her to use the oxygen mask.   This went on for over 4 hours and Mandy was absolutely brilliant with her.

Eventually Ruth started to repeatedly ask to go to the loo and it was at this point, around 9.15 pm, that the night nurses more or less took over, helped by Mandy.   I felt I was getting in the way, so I went and sat outside the room with some of the others and while out there, I heard Ruth make a plaintiff and distressed cry about something.   I subsequently felt, that I should have gone back into the room at that point and, because I did not, that pitiful little cry will probably continue to haunt me for as long as I live.

 

Although Ruth was obviously in a very bad way, I assumed that at some stage she would settle down enough to go back to sleep and that she would then be okay for the rest of the night.   I took it for granted that I would be staying at the hospital for the remainder of the night and I decided that at some stage a wee bit later on, I would offer the use of our house to Bill and Ida and Ethel and Billy to let them get a night’s sleep.

At around 10.00 pm, I went to the gents and on the way back, I went into the small relatives’ room, where some of the others were sitting.  While in there, Bill O’Donnell and I decided to go outside for a short walk to get a breath of fresh air, at around 10.10 pm.   While we wandering around the grounds, I told Bill about an electric light that had been left on for about 3 weeks in one of the rooms in one of the empty buildings and I took him round there to show him.   But when we got there, there was no light on.   So it had either blown or someone had eventually got round to turning it off.   So we headed back towards Ruth’s ward, only to be told the sickening news by David Ellis, that poor wee Ruth had passed away 5 minutes earlier, at around 10.25 pm.

            I could hardly believe it.   I had either been with her, or very close to her, for nearly the whole of that very long day and the only time I was not near her, was the time that she had gone and died.   I loved her so much and had been so devoted to her, I just could not believe, that she had died without me being by her side.    It does not matter what anyone will ever say to me about what I did for her prior to her death, the fact of the matter is, that I was not with her when she died and that will hurt me till the day I die

However, I do have the consolation of knowing that she did not die alone, because Mandy, Ida and Willie were there right at the end and she gave each of them one last strong hug.   When my wee darling was taking her last few breaths, her beloved sister Ida hugged her and told her very gently and lovingly, several times: “Go on your wee journey, go on your wee journey.”    And that is what Ruth did and then she was at peace.   That awfully sad, cruel and harrowing journey that had started that evening on Friday 4^th October 2002, was now finally at an end.

  

When I went into the hospital room to see my dearest darling wee Ruth, she was still warm.   I would really have liked to have given her one last big hug and told her how much I loved her just before she died, but that was denied me.   So all I could do was kiss her on the forehead a few times and eventually say goodbye.

 

Poor wee Ruth’s fight with cancer was finally over.    It had been a very sad and tragic time, especially as she’d had such a sequence of appallingly bad luck:-

 

Although she was a smoker, she was, nevertheless, relatively unlucky to contract incurable lung cancer i.e. out of every 1000 smokers, only between 100-200 actually contract the disease;

But she was even more unlucky to get it at only 50 i.e. out of every 1000 smokers, less than 15 will die of lung cancer at the age of 50, odds of around 66/1!;

Although tobacco smoke is full of carcinogens, over 80% of smokers do not contract lung cancer because they have genes. which enable their systems to tolerate the harmful effects of these carcinogens.   Unfortunately Ruth’s genetic make-up was such, that her system was unable to cope satisfactorily with the carcinogens in tobacco smoke;    

            Although there was nothing wrong with our house in England (it passed 4 surveys), it took us over a year to sell it  (4 failed deals!) and this delay lost her an extra year in Carrickfergus with her son and daughter and all her family;

            We had been in the new house she loved for only two months, when this whole tragedy began to unfold;

            Although her lung tumour had apparently been small and peripheral and although the consultant had been confident that they could get rid of it, it had turned out to be inoperable;

            The first combination of chemo drugs had not worked;

            The second combination of chemo drugs had not worked;

            She lost the power in her right hand, then her left hand and then finally her legs;

            She suffered excruciating pain in hospital despite having palliative care specialists round her, because unfortunately she was one of the very unlucky 5%, whose cancer pain cannot be alleviated by drugs;

            Although the radiotherapy treatment seemed initially to work on her neck, it somehow seemed inevitable that bad luck would strike again and, as a result, paralysing pain immerged in her knees, destroying her last wee hope of getting home;

            She suffered from the awfulness of terminal agitation (a nightmare!);

            Her cancer was particularly aggressive;

Although Doctor S had predicted that she might live for another 4-9 months, the poor wee soul had died within 5 weeks of his prediction.

 

And as I left that hospital room and looked back at my wee angel, I felt absolutely heartbroken.   After Ruth and Colin got married all those years before, I used to come over from England and visit them occasionally and every time I would walk through the door of their house, Ruth used to squeal with pleasure and jump into my arms in a most affectionate and warm way.    We were really close soul mates and it is my dream, that when I die and go wherever I am going, Ruth will there to greet me once again, by squealing with pleasure and jumping into my arms, just like she used to, all those years ago.

She had given so much love to so many people over the years and it was really hard to understand why such a lovely person as her, could be struck down by cancer at such an early age and why she’d had to suffer such anguish and agonising pain in the months before her death. 

But despite all the mental and physical suffering she’d had to endure, she’d remained extremely stoical throughout and borne it all with such dignity and bravery.   Although being in lots pain and distress for so much of the time, she’d always been cheerful and had had a smile and a joke for everyone.   Furthermore, despite her own problems, if anyone’d ever needed any comfort, she had readily provided it.   She’d been such a loveable and friendly person, who’d had a great gift when it came to other people.   When I took her to London, where I had lived for so many years and where nobody had ever glanced at me twice, I remember being absolutely amazed at how many people looked and smiled warmly at her.

People loved her friendly, smiley face and her incredibly beautiful green eyes, with those long, long eyelashes.  They loved her wit, the sound of her laughter, her kindness, generosity, humanity, friendship and love.   She gave so much to so many, over so many years and there are lots of people, who are extremely grateful to her for all the unwavering support and love she gave them when they were going through really bad times.

 

The days that followed.

 

Saturday 17/05/03.   I hardly slept at all and got up early.   I set off for the undertakers to be there as soon as they opened.   It is the tradition over in N Ireland to bury people within 3 days of death and I therefore knew, that people would expect the funeral to be no later than Monday.   However, this turned out to be impossible and so arrangements were made for Tuesday instead.   While in the undertakers, I felt very upset and burst into tears on various occasions.   My sadness was such, that taking decisions and making arrangements was extremely hard.   But luckily, the lady in Mulhollands made the whole process as easy as possible.

 

Sunday 18/05/03.   I had a very bad morning and there were lots of tears.   But after a long walk and visits by Mandy and David, Val English, Barry, Linda and Lucy (Ruth would have loved seeing her!), I felt a lot better.   Then in the evening of this cold, wet horrible day, Mandy and I went down to the undertakers to see Ruth.   She looked so old and it quite shocked me.   As I looked at her, I could hardly believe that she was dead.   It was all so terribly sad.

When I got home I felt very lonely and even afraid.   I could not visualise what my life would be like without Ruth. 

 

Monday 19/05/03.   There were lots more tears.   Visitors came and went and the phone never stopped ringing.   Then in the evening, the undertakers brought Ruth’s coffin back to the house.   Mandy, David and I all burst out crying, but when the coffin was brought into the house and opened, a strange tranquil sort of atmosphere filled the room.   We all suddenly felt calm and stopped crying.

Later on, when everyone had gone home, I had one, last, long, lingering, peaceful time with my wee darling Ruth and it was beautiful.   I went to bed very late but slept only fitfully.   When I awoke at around 3.30 am, I went down to be with her again.

 

Tuesday 20/05/03.   I got up early and spent some more time alone with my wee darling Ruth.   There was such a lovely peaceful atmosphere in the house and there were flowers and cards everywhere.   Lots of people came to the house and it was all very nice.   But then the sad moment arrived, when it was time for the coffin to leave the house.   And then it was up to the Baptist church for the funeral service, which Val English conducted so well.   After that, we went to the Victoria Road cemetery, where Ruth was finally laid to rest.   In the evening, I returned to the graveside to take photographs, before going back home.   When I walked into the house and closed the door, the silence descended.

 

 

 

 

 

Mandy’s dream

 

On the 30^th May, Mandy told me that every night since Ruth had died, she had been praying to her for a sign that she was all right and then she went on to say, that she’d had a dream about Ruth, during the early hours of that morning.    Apparently Ruth had looked exactly the same as she had, when she’d returned to N Ireland from England and had had all her hair.   Mandy could not remember exactly all the words that Ruth had said, but they were roughly as follows:

“I didn’t expect to die so soon, but I am safe and okay.   So you are not to be worrying”.   Apparently Mandy’s dream was a very peaceful one.

 

Corinne’s strange experience

 

I also subsequently heard the following strange story.   Ruth and her niece Corinne were very close and during Ruth’s illness, Corinne, Alan and young Richard had come to visit her, both at home and in hospital.   However, when Ruth died, Corinne’s mother Ida decided not to ring Corinne with the bad news of Ruth’s death, because she did not want to upset her so late at night.  So when Corinne got up early on the morning of Saturday 17^th May to go to work, she knew nothing about Ruth’s death.

When she was at work, she told her colleagues of the strange experience she’d had during the night.   Apparently while sleeping alone in her bed, she had suddenly been woken up by someone hugging her most lovingly.   But when she’d turned on the light, there was nobody there.   It was not until later on, that she heard the devastating news about Ruth and, needless to say, she was extremely upset.

 

A sign from Ruth?

 

Following Ruth’s death, I kept hoping and praying that I would get some sort of a sign from her and often when I was up at the grave, I would talk to her and ask her to indicate to me in some way, that she was there and that she was okay.   But, unlike Mandy or Corinne, I had received nothing, which was extremely disappointing.   However, something quite strange happened on Tuesday 1^st July 03 which really made me wonder. 

I went up to the cemetery around 3.00 pm on that day and stood by the grave for quite a long time and, as per usual, I talked to Ruth.   It was a lovely day and the flowers were looking particularly beautiful.   It was also very peaceful, because there was nobody else in the cemetery and I had the whole place to myself, which was really nice

I then suddenly decided to go home, but had gone no more than a few paces, when my attention was drawn to a car coming into the cemetery.   Although it was a long distance away, I instantly recognised it as being a Volkswagen Polo, although I could not tell the colour of it, because of the way the sun was shining on it.   Now shortly after Ruth died, I decided to get rid of her red Volkswagen Polo car and it was sold through a third party to a girl who, by chance, lived in a flat in the same road as Mandy.   After the sale of the car, I used to keep an eye out for it, whenever I was out walking about Carrickfergus each day and although I had seen quite a few Volkswagen Polos, I had never spotted Ruth’s, which was understandable considering that in a town with a population of over 36,000,  there are lots of cars around. 

  Well anyway, I stopped and watched this Polo as it slowly came down the hill.    It then turned a corner and I could see for the first time that its colour was red.   And as it came nearer and nearer to me, I suddenly realised from the number plate, that it was actually Ruth's car!   I could hardly believe it!!    And after the car passed me, it pulled up and parked quite near to Ruth’s grave.   Was this all just an absolutely extraordinary coincidence or could it possibly have been a sign from Ruth?

 

Death Notices:

 

Belfast Telegraph, Monday 19^th May 03

 

ELLIS, RUTH – Died May 16, 2003, at Belvoir Park Hospital, late of 30 Kingsway, Carrickfergus, beloved partner of Michael Lavery and loving mother of Mandy and David.  Funeral service in the Baptist Church, Northlands, Carrickfergus, (tomorrow) Tuesday 20^th May 03 at 2.30 pm and interment afterwards in Victoria Cemetery.  Deeply regretted by her partner, daughter, son and the entire family circle.  Safe in the arms of Jesus.  Will be missed more than words can say.

 

ELLIS, RUTH – Died May 16, 2003.  We sat beside your bedside, our hearts were crushed and sore, we did our duty to the end, till we could do no more.  In tears we watched you sinking, we watched you fade away and though our hearts were breaking, we knew you could not stay.  You left behind some aching hearts who loved you most sincere, we never shall and never will forget you Mother dear.  All our love always, Mandy and David.

 

ELLIS, RUTH – Died May 16, 2003.  Sadly missed by niece Pamela, husband Jimmy and wee James.  Tired and weary you made no fuss, you tried so hard to stay with us, God closed your eyes and gave you rest, for He alone knows what is best.  Goodnight Ruth xxx.

 

ELLIS, RUTH – Memories are like leaves of gold, they never tarnish or grow old.  Locked in our hearts you will always be, a loving friend for all eternity.  God Bless Ruth, Leanne, Paul and Jemma xxx

 

ELLIS, RUTH – Sadly missed and loved by William, Fiancé of Mandy.

 

ELLIS, RUTH – Died May 16, 2003.  Deeply regretted by her friends Kay and Andrea.  Will be sadly missed. 

 

News Letter, Tuesday, 20^th May 03

 

ELLIS, RUTH – Died May 16, 2003, at Belvoir Park Hospital, late of 30 Kingsway, Carrickfergus, beloved partner of Michael Lavery and loving mother of Mandy and David.  Funeral service in the Baptist Church, Northlands, Carrickfergus, today (Tuesday) 20^th May 03 at 2.30 pm and interment afterwards in Victoria Cemetery.  Deeply regretted by her partner, daughter, son and the entire family circle.  Safe in the arms of Jesus.  Will be missed more than words can say.

 

Impartial Reporter, 22^nd May 03

 

ELLIS – Ruth Olivia, died at Belvoir Hospital, 16^th May 2003, loving mother of Mandy and David.  Deeply regretted by Una, Gary, Arlene, Sharon and families.  Silent thoughts of times together, hold memories that will last forever. 

 

 

Obituary in The Impartial Reporter 5^th June 03

 

 

OBITUARY FOR RUTH OLIVIA ELLIS

 

Ruth Olivia Ellis (nee Beattie) was born on 31 July 1952 at Silverhill, Enniskillen and was the youngest child in Thomas and Kathleen Beattie’s family of 5.

In her formative years, she attended Enniskillen Model School where she showed considerable promise.  She subsequently attended the Collegiate Grammar School, Chanterhill, Enniskillen and from there she went to Enniskillen Technical College, where she sailed through a condensed secretarial course with flying colours.

After leaving college, she worked as a secretary for a number of people in the Enniskillen area and was very highly thought of by them all.  Ruth certainly had the work ethos and, as a result, she was an extremely hard worker, who always did an excellent job to very high standards.  Furthermore, she always found it hard to say no and often worked late into the night typing projects for university students, teachers and anyone else who needed a typing job done in a rush. 

Ruth married Colin Ellis from Lisbellaw on 26^th May 1973 and they had two lovely children, Mandy and David.

In 1993, the family left the Enniskillen area to go and live in Carrickfergus, Co Antrim, where Ruth continued working as a secretary for a while.

But she then made a significant career change.  Although Ruth had spent over 20 years of her life doing secretarial work and was really good at it, it was when she became a care worker that she really found her true vocation.  Ruth was a lovely wee person with a heart of gold and, as a result, she was absolutely ideal for looking after people, no matter what their needs.  It was truly amazing to see her working with Alzheimer patients.  She used to put her arms around them, chatter away to them and brighten up their lives with that warm, captivating smile of hers. 

And when she worked with people with learning difficulties, it was exactly the same.  She treated them like normal human beings and devoted so much of her time and energies to making their little worlds so much brighter.   Later when she went to work in a crisis centre with people with the all sorts of serious social problems, she really found her niche and was able, through her humanity and devotion, to help so many people there.

She gave so much love to so many people over the years and it is really hard to understand why such a lovely person as her, could be struck down by cancer at such an early age and why she had to suffer such anguish and agonising pain in the months before her death. 

But despite all the mental and physical suffering she had to endure, she remained extremely stoical and bore it all with such dignity and bravery.  Although being in lots pain and distress for so much of the time, she was always cheerful and had a smile and a joke for everyone.  Furthermore, despite her own problems, if anyone ever needed any comfort, she readily provided it.  She was a very loveable and friendly person who had a great gift when it came to other people.

People loved her friendly, smiley face and her incredibly beautiful green eyes with those long, long eyelashes.  They loved her wit, the sound of her laughter, her kindness, generosity, humanity, friendship and love.  She gave so much to so many people, over so many years and there are lots of people who are extremely grateful to her for all the unwavering support and love she gave them when they were going through really bad times.

Ruth died in Belvoir Park Hospital, Belfast on Friday, the 16^th May 2003 and the funeral service was in the Carrickfergus Baptist Church on Tuesday 20^th May 2003.  She now lies at peace in Victoria Cemetery, Carrickfergus. 

Ruth’s family would like to thank all those many people who prayed for Ruth during the months preceding her death.

Ruth will be sadly missed by all her family and many friends, missed more than words can ever say.  Our heartbreaking loss is Heaven’s gain.

 

     

 

 

Parting Words

 

Ruth loved her flowers.   So I bought her some beautiful ones to accompany her on her last journey to her final resting place.   I also wrote the following parting words to my darling wee Ruth on the flowers card:

 

 

MY DEAREST DARLING WEE RUTH

 

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I AM GOING TO MISS YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN EVER SAY.   YOU GAVE ME SO MUCH AND HELPED ME IN SO MANY WAYS.   TO BE WITH YOU AGAIN IN PEACE, THAT IS MY DREAM.

 

FOREVER YOURS

 

WITH ALL MY LOVE

 

MICHAEL

XXXXX

 

            On the 31^st July 03, the anniversary of Ruth’s birthday, Mandy and David placed a beautiful posy of flowers on Ruth’s grave and Mandy had written the following words:

 

“All my love, Always – No one said it would be this hard.  Missing you more and more each day. 

                                                                             Mandy xoxo”

 

 

Mandy’s poignant words express just how I feel too.

 

 

MY WEE DARLING RUTH

 

 

TILL WE MEET AGAIN, MY LOVE

 

To read Memories of Ruth by Family and Friends, click on MEMORIES

 

To return to the start of this section, click on RUTH’S DEATH

 

To return to the very start, click on RUTH ELLIS