Here I am again. Today was a little crazy for me. Well last night was I was told something that I really didn't want to hear. This is my journal and I know I'm supposed to write my thoughts out...but it is on the internet.So anyone can read about it and this one I'd rather keep to myself. I start my job on Tuesday. I can't wait cause I got to get my mom something for her birthday which is on the 25th. I never realized how much life costs till now. My mom is really getting hit hard since she isn't making the money she used too. We're about to move into a smaller house here soon. I got a job but it's not enough to make a living off of or anything. It's not even gonna pay enough for me to afford school. I will be able to take 2 classes maybe and that will leave me broke. I also need a car. My car I have now is a piece...really...it's not gonna last through the winter. I don't ever want to be without money when I'm older. I'm greedy, I could care less to be rich. I just don't want to struggle to pay bills. I'm still young so I can still have a choice on whether I'll be well-off or not in the future I hope. My mom on the other hand is kinda screwed. I feel really bad for her. She never went to college and she can't go now cause it's expensive as hell and she has to work all the time to pay bills. I watch her struggle and I hate that. Too bad there isn't anyway I can help her out now. She's single and stuck in a bind, probably for the rest of her life too. I'm so scared to end up like that myself. Don't get me wrong my mom is my favroit of the two. She did the best she could being on her own with 2 kids. If I ever get money in the future I'm definitely gonna share it with my mom. Anyhow....not much is on my mind today so I will stop here.
I don't get mad very easy and when I do feel on the mad or upset side I do all I can to hold it back because I really don't like fighting of any kind. I have seen a lot of yelling and a lot of anger my whole life and I dislike behavior like that with a passion. Anyhow sometimes you just can't help it. When I do let lose and get mad...look out. I wont go easy on anyone. I have a side of me I don't show often but yes I can be a ruthless bitch I get it from my dad I'm sure. Ok where I am going with all of this is from what happened Saturday. My best friend Elke and I took my boyfriend out bar hoppin in Canada cause he just turned 19 and has never been there. Well for the most part it sucks ass but it's one of those things that ya kinda have to do once. If you like great but if your like me you will hate it. They rape you for all your American money and people get way too drunk and way too stupid. Well here is the story:
When we all left the bar and were walking back to our car some drunk ass mexican guy was calling me and my friend Elke hookers. At first I just blew it off cause I knew he was drunk and I don't like fighting. I also knew once I got going that would be it. I'd shoot off my mouth and Shane my boyfriend would somehow have to get involved. I really didn't want my stupid ass getting him into trouble. But I did what I was trying not to do and starting going off on the guy. I had about 4 drinks in me and that didn't help any. So I'm yelling at this guy and Shane ends up getting into it. I felt so bad. I still do. Maybe that mexican guy was right. I don't know how Shane can love me sometimes. I'm a fuck up to make it easy for you all to understand. I never wanted him to see my pissed off side. I flip out like a man or something. What the hell is that. He's probably thinking damn my girl is a feisty ass bitch and well I guess I am at times. I have to be though. I would have felt worse if I would have just let someone who doesn't even know me talk shit to me. I have to stand up for myself. I used to have to deal with many many insults back in the day and I would just sit there not saying anything and taking it. So now I wont take any shit from anyone anymore. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I'm sooooo PISSED OFF. People in general are ignorant stupid asses. Now I have to go cut my grass......
Damn I love this journal...I can unload when there is no one to talk to. So anyway...that's just what I am gonna do. It seems like there is one problem after another. No matter how hard I try. I'm about to just quit and start sleeping all day...maybe I will take up smoking or something. Shorten my life a little I dunno. OK that's horrible to say I know. I'm really not depressed. I'm just really lost and confused. I think I mentioned that before. So anyway here is what lead up to all this talk. I was fine. I have me a job and I'm in love. My boyfriend and I even talk about being together forever, it's amazing. Now here is the big fuckin "but" that comes along with anything good I notice. He is depressed a lot. Well maybe not depressed but I know he ins't happy. I know most people arn't happy with everything in there life. But something is totally bringing him down and I think it's me. I really hate that feeling. He tells me it's not me but how can I believe that when he never gave me any other reason. I don't like feeling like this. I feel like I don't make him happy and that he is just too nice to tell me that because he knows how much he means to me. I want for him to be happy no matter what the cost, thats how much I love this guy. If I'm not the girl that can do that...then I want him to find someone who can. I really try but sometimes that's just not enough or the case. I know this. I don't know how else to handle this. He doesn't talk to me and I don't want to start to distance myself from him like I have done in past relationships because I thought I wasn't loved. I really care for this guy...Too much. So I hope we get this worked out because I'm going crazy over here.........I dont' know what else to say...but HELP!!!
