I finally found some time to write in this thing again. Its been awhile. I haven't had any time, literally. I like keeping busy though, it keeps me off drugs. HAHAHA I never got into drugs. I don't know where the hell that came from. Anyway enough of all that. I have been working a lot and I have been studying like crazy so I can pass the state exam for my real estate license. It seems like the more I study the worse I do on the quizzes. That makes no sence I know but its true. I panic when I have to take a test of any kind and then I fail it. I know what my real estate class is about I'm just a bad tester. Oh well. So I'm about to paint my toe nails. Thats my fun for the evening. I didn't get to see my boyfriend today cause he had some work to do around the homestead. Damn I don't see him for one day and I'm soooo lost. I really am. I don't know if thats a good thing or what, but today I must have walked back and forth from my room to the kitchen about 6 times before I realized I had know idea what I was doing either place. I was just walking about thinking about shane so I had to go and call him up :) I love being in love. ;) Well anyhow...I don't have a lot to talk about tonight. I'm about to do up some sit-ups though.....
Wow do I ever have a lot to say today. I was thinking so much on the way home from class today that I almost hit the car in front of me. Of couse I was thinking about only the most important thing to me. SHANE!!! Well this is gonna be a mushy entry but I gotta write things out. I started writing poems again. I was upset one night and wrote 2 of them and when I was done that shitty feeling that you get in your stomach, you all know it. Anyway it went away. So I found a good way to release my feelings. Something that actually works instead of drinking a bottle or two of pepto-bismol. So Shanes personality book he has got me to thinking about my own personality and his too. I realized how much we compliment each other. When we started dating, I came together. I always thought I was all together but I know now that I wasn't. It's kinda funny cause as much as we are alike we are very different. I'm loud, he's quiet, I like to express how I feel, he like to keep his in. He is more polite then I am. I'm more shy then he is. I look more to the brighter side of things then he does. I'm more serious, he's more goofy. I'm kinda out there still when It comes to a career, cause I cant go to college, he may not know what he wants to be but he does have his piorities straight, more then he thinks. I'm hype and hes more mellow. I dont think I have to go on but my point I am trying to make is that his strenghts make up for my weaknesses and vise versa. We are a whole person when we are togerher. If I didn't have him I wouldn't be me. His humor keeps me laughing, and I get him to let his feeling out. when we go out he is the polite half. He is more mellow so he kinda calms me down. I get to talk about feelings cause he is always there to listen. Being in crowds is easier when I am with him cause he isnt as shy as I am. his liking to joke a lot and have fun balances out with me always acting like I am 30.It goes on and on but thats how it is. It's so awesome,its how you know your in love. :)
Ok soooo.....I'm just gonna bend over and let everyone get their turn! Because everytime something good happens to me, even the little things they dont even have to be things, just something that might give me some hope, I get fucked! This isnt going to be a good topic. Obvously I'm pissed off. I feel like I am supposed to be successful. I have all these ideas for myself but I am cursed to always fail and it's not right. Me and my mother have both been shit on by whoever or whatever and there is nothing anybody can do about it. So I got myself outta dept and now I am back into dept, because,yes, someone up there must hate me. I will always work at some department store, hating my job but having to smile and act like I love it. I will drive some piece of shit car for the rest of my life. Maybe not the piece of shit car I have now but there will be more shitty cars waiting for me. I will always be in dept, and in 5 years I will tell you exactly where I will be at. Right here! Liveing with mom and my brother doing exactly what I just wrote 4 lines up. I know you have to help yourself so I really try too. I try harder then anyone else I know. I also try to keep this up-beat, life is good attitude but thats really hard to keep up when nothing works out for you. Why try when you dont get anywhere and why love life if it doesnt give you anything else back in return. I know its hard for young people to catch good breaks but damn, Im not getting any younger. Its not like Im 17. I will put everything I'v got into something that I feel that Im getting something back from.
I got a lot on my mind today. I was doing a lot of thinking while I was working out. It all started from what happened last night with my brother. My brother was telling me how he thinks I am adopted cause I dont embrace that fact that I'm maltese....(I dont even know how to spell it haha) anyway....I laughed it off like I always do when he says that and then made me some tea and told him I like to stress the english part in me. So I was thinking....why would I be proud to be that nationality? First of all I dont even know anyone from that side of my family cause of what happened between them and my dad...damn I dont even know my dad as a person. That really bothers me. I will regret that one day but you establish father daughter relationships when your little, its hard to get close when your 20. I don't remember my dad living with me at all. Not even a little bit so as far as I'm conserned I grew up without a father figure. When my dad got married I remember something that happened at his wedding real good. I probably will always remember it and I was drunk as hell too. I was dancing with my dads cousin to some slow song and my dads cousin leaned into me to talk so I could hear him good. He was right in my ear saying how I should be happy for my dad that he found someone and I agreed with him. Cause I was happy for him, he looked happy enough to me. But then he told me I should be happy for Cheryls kids....my step brother and step sister because they didnt get to grow up with a dad in the house. He said: "they never got to come home to a dad they never got to know whats its like to have a dad around but now they will....be happy for them" WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT I DONT KNOW WHERE THIS GUY WAS THE PAST 17 YEARS BUT I NEVER GOT TO KNOW WHAT THATS LIKE EITHER. Oh yea I was real happy for them.