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| Okay, now we have the so-called 'normal' shit out of the way. It's time to have a little fun with this and do some slightly more bizarre lists. And yeah - I KNOW some of them are no longer relevant. I just don't give a fuck. They were when I wrote them. |
| TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO BASH MY SKULL IN WITH A HAMMER 10. I just cleaned the carpet 9. The smell coming from my apartment after two weeks of lying dead in a pool of my own blood 8. I'm afraid of hammers 7. I lack the energy and motivation 6. No way to blame it on my ex-wife 5. THEY will win 4. Tomorrow might be my day to win the lottery 3. Kiss' five-year, (and counting,) Farewell Tour isn't over yet, and I wanna see the last show 2. I've always wanted to die during sex 1. I'll miss the last Star Wars movie |
| TOP TEN PEOPLE WHO NEED TO BE LOCKED AWAY FOREVER FOR THE GOOD OF SOCIETY 10. Howard Stern - Because his one joke isn't funny anymore 9. Rush Limbaugh - Big. Fat. Idiot. 8. Eminem 7. Billy Graham - Religious windbag 6. Pamela Anderson - Because celebrities as activists just suck. Nice tits though 5. Peter Criss - You are NOT a rock drummer!!! 4. Peter Jackson - Came out of obscurity to do "The Lord of the Rings" movies, & fucked 'em up. Now go away. 3. Paris Hilton 2. The Olson Twins 1. GEORGE W. BUSH |
| TOP TEN PEOPLE WHO BUG ME 10. White kids who act like they're black 9. Any idiot who puts "izzle" at the end of a real word 8. Anyone who thinks Ringo Starr is actually a drummer 7. People I don't really know attempting to guess what I'm trying to say and finish my sentances with me or for me 6. Guys with ambiguous names 5. Anyone I was married to 4. Booth Monkeys 3. People wearing orange 2. Junkies 1. Humans |
| TOP TEN THINGS TO NEVER STICK YOUR DICK INTO 10. Garbage disposal 9. Your neighbor's pet 8. A hornet's nest 7. Random holes in walls 6. Paris Hilton 5. A box of thumbtacks 4. Boiling water 3. A fan that's running 2. The salad bar at Wendy's 1. Me |
| TOP TEN MOST OVERRATED BANDS EVER (WHICH MEANS THE BANDS THAT SUCK THE MOST) 10. Dire Straits 9. Any 'boy band' 8. The Eagles 7. Any band or performer with the word "Ice" anywhere in their name 6. The Rolling Stones 5. Eminem 4. Elvis 3. Nirvana 2. The Beatles 1. Led Zeppelin |
| TOP TEN DUMBEST IDEAS EVER 10. Teaching ebonics in schools - it's not a real fuckin' language! What's next, Klingon? 9. Hats with propellers on them 8. Killing abortion doctors because you're "Pro Life" 7. Letting Michael Jackson babysit your kids 6. Lights in sneakers 5. Letting Paully Shore live 4. Serial killer trading cards 3. Slinky - it's a fuckin' spring! 2. SUVs 1. Rap |
| TOP TEN THINGS THAT MAKE ME WANT TO FLY INTO A HOMICIDAL BERSERKER RAGE 10. People who pay for items that cost less than a dollar with a credit card 9. The idiots who throw trash in my parking lot ten feet away from the fucking dumpster 8. People, (and I use that term loosely,) who piss in garbage cans 7. The World Series interrupting the one or two TV shows that don't suck 6. Religious zombies leaving pamphlets on my door 5. The TV news at noon telling me to watch at 11 that night for their special report on things in my home that can kill me 4. Grocery stores keeping the bread and milk in the exact opposite end of the store from the entrance. I know WHY they do it, but it still pisses me off 3. Any single digit IQ motherfucker who thinks rap is music 2. People who try to bring babies into a porn shop 1. Anyone I haven't mentioned yet |
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| STILL hard at work on new lists. This would be easier if people would send me ideas of what they wanted to see here. |
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| And yet another picture of Heather Locklear, because there can never be too many! |