The Definitive Interview

In order to give the public an accurate and real view of the this year's most popular presidential candidate, we sent Alvin, the leader of The Chipmunks, out to interview MonkeyBwoy about his campaign, life, and dental hygine.  So now here is the interview, complete and uncensored (after some editting):

Well, I didn't quite know what to expect when I walked into that room and saw MonkeyBwoy sitting there.  Just by looking at him, I could tell he had a very commanding personality and appearance, tall, lean, muscular.  He gave me the cheesiest smile I have ever seen and then shook my hand with such a hard grip that he nearly crushed my little chipmunk hand.  After I recovered somewhat, he offered me a seat.  As I looked around his office I noticed how distracting all of the little figurines of monkeys were.  Some sat atop his windows, others peered at me from his desk, while still others leaned from side to side clanging their little cymbals.  I could only imagine how the Oval Office would look after he moved in there.  I shuddered and decided to begin the interview.

A: So, Mr. Bwoy--may I call you Mr. Bwoy?
MB: No.
A: OK.  MonkeyBwoy, tell me a little about your childhood.
MB: You didn't say please.
A: Fine.  Please tell me about your childhood.
MB:  That's better.  I was a hyperactive child.  It may have had something to do with all the paste I ate. . . .  Hmmm . . .  Anyway, this one time in pre-school--in fact it was my first day--I bit another kid because he took my yellow plastic pterodactyl toy that I was playing with in the sandbox.  I got in trouble, but he deserved it!  He took my pterodactyl!  I ripped that sucker open!
A: OK, calm down.
MB: Another time I had to go to the hospital because I got a piece of broccoli stuck in my eye.  That kinda hurt.  Oh yeah, another time I drank a bunch of bleach.  That my have caused some stuff too. . . .   Hmmm . . .
A: Alright, moving on . . .  What got you first interested in running for president?
MB: Well, originally I was interested in having complete and unconditional control of the entire world.  I trust you remember that.
A: Yes.
MB: Shut up, I was talking.  Anyway, as you may remember, it didn't quite work out.
A: Yeah.
MB: Did you not hear me?!  I said shut up!  . . .  Thank you.  Anyway, my plan was a rather complicated one centered around Y2K.  Needless to say, it did not work.
A: Why do you think it didn't?
MB: Well, I think the major problem was that there really is no main control room for the world as I had anticipated in my plan.  If you'd like to read the full explanation, it's posted on my website.
A: So, have you given up on your global domination conquest?
MB: Not at all.  We made a few mistakes with Y2K, but we will be ready for Y3K!  (We have much more time to plan.)  Right now, I'm not too interested with global domination, merely domination of the most powerful nation in the world, hence my run for the presidency.
A: I see.  How do you see your chances of becoming the next president of America?
MB:  Very, very good.  As you know, I'm coming off a successful driver's ed course in which I didn't kill anyone so I thought I'd use that momentum and run for president.  We already have had several people say that they would vote for me.  The website has been instrumental in getting support.  Several of my friends have shown their parents the site, and, as a result, they have promised to vote for me.  My campaign slogan has attracted quite a bit of attention as well.  'I'm OK in Y2K!'
A: Yes, I was wondering how did you come up with that idea?  Was it from an advertisement agency or what?
MB: I thought of it myself, thank you very much.  Do you like it?
A: Oh, very much.
MB: I thought it was kinda catchy.
A: I thought you were trying to forget about your failed global conquest plan.  Why did you include it in your slogan?
MB: You really know how to make someone feel bad, don't you?
A: Oh, sorry.  Well, where did you grow up?
MB: . . .  I'm not talking to you.
A: Uhh . . .  OK . . .
MB: . . .
A:  . . .
MB: . . .
A: . . .  Uh, should someone say something?
MB: Not until you apologize!
A: OK, OK, I'm sorry.
MB:  Really?
A: Yes, really.  Now can we get on with the interview?
MB: Sure.
A:  Thanks.  OK, what is your position on handgun control?
MB: I plead the Fourth.
A:  What?  Do you mean the Fifth?
MB: Yeah, whatever.  I don't want to answer that question.
A: This isn't a trial.  You don't have to answer anyway.
MB: OK, good . . .  Next question.
A: What's your feelings toward special interest groups?
MB: Are you kidding?  I love them!  But there need to be more of them.  I mean, this one time I was looking and looking for this one baseball card, and I couldn't find it anywhere.  If there had been a special interest group for baseball cards I could've found it!
A:  Riiiiiight . . .  What's your plan, if elected--
MB: I will be elected.
A: OK, what's your plan, when elected, to deal with the national debt?
MB: The what?
A: National debt . . .  The money we owe . . .
MB: Oh, right, right, of course.  I think that I will be able to eliminate that national . . . whatever by the time that I complete my first term.  And, by the way, I plan on having many more than just one term in office.
A: You can only have two.
MB: Nuh uh!
A: Uh huh!
MB: Why?
A: Because it's a law.
MB: Oh . . .
A: Anyway, getting back to the original topic, how do you plan on eliminating the national debt?
MB: Well, I figure we can borrow some money from a few other countries, you know?  I mean, we saved their butts a ton of times so they owe us something, I'd say.  So we can just borrow money from them to pay it off.
A:  That's what the debt is.
MB: Oh . . .
A: . . .
MB: Well, in that case, I think we should tap into the vast market of Pokemon and sell them at government events like inaugurations and stuff as a fundraiser.
A: Pokemon are Japanese.
MB: Oh.  Well, how 'bout Girl Scout Cookies, like door-to-door or something?
A:  Alright, moving on . . .  We're going to do some tougher questions now.  How about dental hygine?
MB: What about it?
A: Ever had any cavities?
MB: Nope.
A: How often do you brush?
MB: Twice a day.
A: Floss?
MB:  Every night.
A: Nobody flosses everyday!
MB: Are you calling me a liar?!
A: I didn't say that, but now that you mention it . . .
MB: Look at the kettle calling the pot black!  What kinda animal are you supposed to be anyway because you're certainly not a chipmunk!  Look!  You're standing up like a human, but you only have two teeth!  I bet you didn't floss!  Well, I guess you look like a chipmunk in one respect.  You've got the beady little eyes!
A: Alright, buddy, that's it!
MB: Bring it on, squirrel boy!
A: Ahhhh!!!
MB: Take that, you little freak of nature!
A: Ow!  That hurts!  Cut it out!  Simon!  Theodore!  Somebody hurt me!  Hey!  Shtop chhokeng me!  I can'th breethe--

Unfortunately, I had to cut my interview short at that point, but even the small amount of time that I spent with him gave me a deep appreciation for his compassion and understanding of each and every person in this great nation.  So this November 4th or 5th--whichever, I can't remember--vote for understanding and compassion, vote MonkeyBwoy!

Go back to Campaign Headquarters!