Chapter 20
After the funeral AJ and the rest of the guys drove to Kevin�s house and hung there for the rest of the afternoon. AJ was withdrawn for most of the day. His mind was set on Barry and his own father. Somewhere behind the grief were also thoughts of Serenity.
When they finished dinner, AJ went home while the rest of them went out to catch a movie. He told them he didn�t feel like seeing a movie and they understood, and saw him off. They knew out of all of them he had been the closest to Barry. His family had been close friends with him and they had only known him as their lawyer. AJ had known him as a friend though.
As AJ sat in his empty house a since of anger started to arise inside him. He was so tired of bad stuff happening in his life and he felt as if he couldn�t take it anymore. He reached over and threw a glass figurine that laid on his table against the wall. As it smashed into pieces he put his head in his hands and took deep breathes of air in. As he breathed, tears slowly started to fall from his eyes.
He cried softly in his hands as he laid on his couch. He cried for Barry and he cried for his father. He also cried for Serenity leaving him and for lost love. He cried for not feeling strong enough, and he cried for trying to act too strong at times. Mostly he cried for feeling alone.
And then, when he felt he should stop crying, he just continued to keep crying. There were so many things he hadn�t dealt with in his life and they all seemed to be coming out at once. No one could see him as he cried, so he didn�t care. He was tired of holding back and hiding how he was feeling. Because the real truth was...he cared.
He cared that Barry had left suddenly, and he cared that his father was still gone. He cared that he was scared to make it alone without the rest of the Backstreet Boys. He cared that his own music wasn�t getting heard. He cared that he couldn�t straighten his life out for some reason.
When he told Serenity he didn�t care if she left, he did. And when he told the guys he didn�t care about their stupid jokes, he did. When she didn�t answer any of his phone calls he cared. He cared that she didn�t want to talk to him anymore. He also cared when she told him to leave her alone that day in the grocery store. He even cared about the way Randy seemed to treat her. He cared about it all...everything.
And so, in the middle of the night, inside his empty house, he cried. Because it seemed like it was the only way at that moment, to express how much he really did care.