Chapter 31
I quickly broke myself away from him. "What are you talking about?" I said it like I didn't have a clue.
"Here's what I know: I know that you and Chris were dating, I know that you didn't tell me, and I know that I don't care about that." He whispered, still so close to me I could feel his breath on my neck.
"Jimmy, I might get back together with Chris." WHAT? What did I just say? I realized my heart was doing all it could to keep Jimmy away from me. But why?
"What?"
"I--" I stumbled on my words. "I'm sick of waiting for the right person to come along, Jim." I raised my voice.
"I'm right here, Cat!!" He said, looking like he would throw a fit.
"Your too late." I answered sternly.
We were silenced for a second. "Cathy, you don't love Chris." He said softly. "I know it for a fact you don't. Why would you want to run around in circles with him if you're always gonna end up in the same damn spot? He can't take you anywhere, Cat. He can't."
"And you can?"
"Why can't we be together? You don't hate me. Why can't we just try to make it work?" He was right. And I hated him for it. "Look, I think about you a lot. Sometimes, I feel like I love you." Oh, God. "And it's the saddest fucking thing in the world when you love someone who doesn't love you."
I sighed. "Jimmy, you're my best friend. I can't be with you." With that, I turned away, walking to the door, realizing I wanted to be with him. He took my hand and brought me face to face with him, our noses barely touching.
Chapter 32
God, he was gorgeous. I wanted to be with him, but why can't I? What was holding me back? Why was I holding myself back? His lips lightly brushed mine, as if asking permission to kiss me. His hand wandered to my waist while the other held my face close to his. Finally, he tilted his head and kissed me. His lips lingered there for a second, though it felt like forever. I couldn't move or kiss back. He pulled away and looked me in the eye. This time, I leaned in, opening my mouth so we could use tongue. I put my hands around his neck and played with his hair, as his tongue entered my mouth. They danced for a second, long enough to satisfy urges but not long enough to confirm what I wanted. God, he was a good kisser. It was then that it all sank in. I was kissing Jim... wasn't that what he wanted yesterday? A kiss? I pulled away. "There." I said, acting like I meant to do that. "You got your kiss. Now what is it you want more than anything else in the world?" I smiled smugly, thinking I was hurting him. I don't know why... I wanted him to feel bad for walking out on me when I needed him the most... though it was my fault.
"I want you to be my girlfriend, Cat."
His answer took me off guard. "Why?" I asked huskily, almost sounding harsh.
His expressions hardened. "Why? Why do you have to be like this? I--" he stopped, trying to regain himself. "You've never acted like this before, Cathy." He paused, waiting for a reason. I stood there, dumbfounded... why did I feel like I didn't know him? "Alright, what the fuck is your problem?" I blinked. Did he just say that? Or was it me? "Don't you know I'm in love with you?" Okay, it was him. I'm trying to think, Jim... gimme a chance. "Say something!"
I wasn't in love with him. I stared at him, about to say the most cliche thing ever. "This is gonna sound stupid to you, Jimmy.. it's gonna sound... cliche. But hear me out." He nodded, slightly impatient. "I love you, okay? But I'm not in love with you." he was confused. "I wanna be friends with you."
"Friends?" He was angry. "Do friends lead each other on the way you do with me?"
"God, Jimmy, chill the fuck out. I'm only trying to make this work." I said, trying to calm him down.
"Your trying to make this work? Trying to make.. alright. It doesn't seem like your trying to hard, Cat. Cuz if you were trying to 'make this work', we'd be together."
He was right.
Give It A Shot -- PART TWO
Chapter 1
No. My answer was no. Am I stupid? You shouldn't even have to ask. Jimmy asked me to be his girlfriend and I said no?? Am I a total idiot? Fuck.
"Forget about it, Kitty, have some fun.. or as I like to say.. have some Fawn! get it?" Fawn giggled. We were at a club and I was getting hideously drunk. I didn't want to go to work on Monday. It's Saturday night. I should be at work. Fuck. I'll probably get fired. Like I care anymore. Why couldn't I just go to med school and be a doctor like my mom told me to? Flora was babysitting again, and Audra was on a date. It was just Fawn and I, drinking our problems away, though by morning they'll only end up coming back worse, I'm sure. I took a sip of my beer, then a long chug, staring up at the TV they had, sitting on a stool.
The bartender smiled. "What are pretty ladies like you two doing at a dump like this?" He said.
"Trying to kill ourselves." I muttered, hoping the beer would affect my liver. Fawn and the man laughed. It was my first beer in forever.. it was my first beer since a year or two ago. I'm not a heavy drinker. The bartender went off to help someone out, and Fawn started laughing at nothing. I was so damn jealous of her. She didn't have a single problem. She could smile and every guy would want her. Most of all, when she gets drunk she gets crazy. Me? I only get quiet and depressed.
She giggled again and said, "Oooh! Look at that cutie! I'm gonna go dance, find a hottie and get yourself out of that hole your digging, girl! Have some fun.. your finally not working on a Saturday." she hopped off her stool and walked to the man she had pointed out.
"Whatever," I slurred. I watched as she danced with the man, a beer in her hand. Gosh, was he grinding with her. I watched now as he whispered into her ear, then watched Fawn's expression change. She was obviously offended. She slapped him, and started to walk away when he grabbed her and threw her onto the floor.
Chapter 2
I quickly jumped off of my stool, leaving my drink for whoever was desperate enough to take it. "What the fuck do you think you're doing, asshole?" I yelled. The music was too loud.
"Shut up, bitch." he pushed me off. He was too strong. he went back to Fawn, whom he was obviously attracted to. "Come here, slut." He slurred. He was drunk, too. I'm sure he had no clue what he was talking about. I tried to get off the floor but someone in stilletto's stepped on my hand. Suddenly, the man was knocked to the floor.
"Oh my God, what are you doing here?" Fawn yelled over the music. 2 minutes later, we were kicked out, walking out of the club with Jimmy.
"It's 3:00 in the morning, this is the best club in town... I come here after every show. What are you guys doing here? Cat, you weren't at the studios. Will was worried... he was saying you're real sad that you aren't in the show..." he muttered. God, why couldn't we talk like we used to? Fawn and I staggered along, walking to Jim's car. We had taken a taxi to the club. I unknowingly fell asleep in the car, though I heard Fawn whimpering. She had quite a bruise from when the man grabbed her.
Jimmy dropped us off at home, opening the door because I couldn't figure out which key went in and which way I was supposed to turn it. As soon as I got in, I jogged to the bathroom and threw up. Then went into my room and changed into shorts and a tank. I was walking past the room Fawn usually sleeps in, when I saw something I hoped I would never see again. Drunk, fun Fawn was unzipping Jimmy's jeans. Someone tell me why... I prayed Jimmy was sleeping standing up with his eyes open... a waste of time. I ran back to the bathroom and threw up again, quickly walking past the hallway and to my phone, where I found that I had 2 messages. "I feel so loved," I muttered.
Chapter 3
I pressed play on the machine and waited. The first call someone had hung up on me. The second was from Chris. "Hey, Cat, umm.. God, I dunno how to do this. First of all, sorry about that last call I got kinda nervous and hung up..." he chuckled slightly. "Anyway, I didn't want to leave this on your machine, but, I just wanted to say I'm sorry about how I reacted, your like a best friend to me, and I'm so sorry about that. I don't know what I was doing. Maybe I still felt something for you, or... ugh, I dunno. Look call me back when you get this message, alright? Thanks. This is Chris, by the way," he laughed again and hung up. I couldn't help but smile. I felt better hearing his voice. And he said he might've still felt something for me... maybe I still do too. I walked over to where my bedroom was and thought for a second, getting in.
And this is where you came in. This is where everything started. It's kinda like where they show you the end of the movie in the first scene.. yeah, well this is probably where it ends. I bet this is where tomorrow morning Fawn tells me her and Jimmy fucked and now they're dating. I bet this is where I get fired from my job. I bet this is where I start to cry. I sighed inwardly. This is where I asked where you draw the line between a friendship and a relationship. I heard a door close and I prayed it wasn't because they didn't want me to hear them. I felt my heart pump faster. I bit my lip. This is what I do when I'm about to cry. I choked a sob. I ruined everything when I turned Jimmy down, didn't I? I want to just march down to that bedroom and no matter what the two of them are doing, I'll call out for Jimmy and kiss him. Naked, or not. Ha, it'd be kinda funny if he was naked though. I giggled. Yeah, hell why not?
I got up out of my bed, feeling nervous but confident about what I was gonna do, then walked over to the room where Jim and Fawn were. Not bothering to knock, I walked in. And there was Fawn. Alone. Sound asleep. Had I imagined them together? Maybe I was just so paranoid that I pictured it all... no, I'm positive I saw it all. It had to be true. I suddenly began breathing heavily, as I walked to the front door, feeling as if I was being watched. I looked through the window, and low and behold, Jimmy's car was gone. I locked the door, feeling relieved but abandoned. I put my back up against the wall and slid down it, holding my head in my hands and crying.
Chapter 4
FAWN'S POINT OF VIEW
"Oh, God." I muttered. Perfect. Sunday morning and I am having the worst hangover of my life. I rubbed my head and stared at myself. I was wearing my pants but my shirt was on the floor. I wondered what I had been doing the night before. I couldn't have been so wasted that I'd forgotten everything, could I? I imagined myself in the Dude, Where's My Car? movie, and cracked a smile, although it hurt.
I laid in bed for a little while, not caring about the time because I didn't have to be anywhere. I tried to think back to the night before, when I heard a dish crack onto the floor. I got up, my head throbbing and hoped Cat had prepared breakfast. Oh, God.
"KITTY? What the fuck are you doing?!" I tried to yell.
She was on the floor, picking up the pieces of glass carelessly, as I watched the glass dig into her fingers, causing small blood pools on the kitchen floor. "I was washing the dishes, but I dropped the glass. I didn't mean to wake you up." Her voice was husky, and something about it felt harsh and I felt like cleaning up the shattered glass on the floor, but I was too dizzy. The sight of the blood was making me want to vomit. I quickly grabbed the bottle of Aspirin from the fridge, and took two, without needing any water to chug them down.
"You scared the shit out of me," I muttered. "Go wash your hands, I'll get the band-aids and clean this up." I ordered her. She didn't hesitate as she walked to her washroom, leaving traces of blood behind her on the hard wood floor. Suddenly, I realized why Cat had been so careless. Because she didn't care. I remembered the Jimmy and Chris situation. I remembered the club last night. I remembered the drunk guy. I remembered Jimmy grabbing my arm to get me away from him. I remembered taking off Jimmy's shirt. "Oh, fuck." I ran to the washroom where she was, dodging the blood. "Cat??"
"What?" she whispered. I was beginning to be annoyed. She washed her hands off, but the blood always came back, never giving up. It was all over and inside the sink.
"I'm sorry." I whispered back.
She stared at me. Her eyes began to tear, and the sight of her left me breathless. I was going to cry. I wrapped my arms around her, in a bonding hug, and she hugged back. I felt the blood from her fingers all over my shirtless back and my bra. "I'm sorry," I repeated again, choking a sob.
Chapter 5
His arms wrapped around my body as I shivered from the cold. What had dragged me out from inside and here, to his house, where we were currently outside, simply embracing each other. "I love you," I whispered to Jimmy, waiting for his love to return to me... I heard him inhale, and the smell of his cologne instantly became my favourite. Then he exhaled and I felt him pause. "Your supposed to say it back, Jim."
"It back?" he answered, almost as if it was a question. I pulled away.
"What?" I shrieked. Suddenly, I was falling, but I hit the ground running. I ran. Quickly, swiftly, but not fast enough. What am I running from? Whatever it was it was coming quickly. I felt my breath clog into my throat, and I was again falling. Falling but still running. It was a strange feeling... and when I fell, I--
"Wake up, dammit!" Audra smiled down at me. I was surrounded by people, well, it felt like I was surrounded. It was Audra, Fawn, Flora, Chris, and ... Jimmy. He was blushing like a maniac. Oh, God. I suddenly remembered I talk in my sleep. Fawn and Flora were giggling as well... I was suddenly extremely nervous. My palms grew sweaty, but I couldn't feel the sweat. I looked down at them, covered in bandages.
"You okay, sweetie?" Chris smiled at me. I almost fainted. He was looking...how should I say this? How about 'GORGEOUS?!' "Fawn called us over after the doctors let you come home, they just needed to stitch up a couple of your cuts. Don't worry, the scars will be gone in no time, Cat"
"God, I'm tired.. how long have you guys been here?" I asked.
"Curiousity killed the Cat," Chris winked.
I laughed. "This Cat's got nine lives," I winked back. Flora raised her eyebrows at me, and I realized I was shamelessly flirting. Oh well, Jimmy doesn't care, I'm sure. Besides, he was my ex, we can still flirt. At this point, Jimmy's face was red and his knuckles were slightly clenched. He was obviously not used to me flirting with Chris. I tried to remember what I was talking about, when I realized Fawn was mouting something to me. The room got silent and Fawn quickly stopped.
Chapter 6
My fingers curled around Chris' hair. We were well... making out. It felt like it had been forever since I had last touched him, so here I was now, beginning to feel like I was in love with him again. It was strange, because although we were alone, it felt like we were being watched. I pulled away, the feeling that someone had been watching was overwhelming me... or was it just love for Chris? I felt confused again as Chris smiled at me, and began speaking words I couldn't hear because my headache had come back. He smiled again, then leaned in and kissed my forehead, getting up to leave, I heard him mention water and tylenol for me, and as he began to walk out the door, he stopped dead in his tracks. I looked over at the doorway.
"Jimmy," I whispered. He was standing there, water and tylenol already in his hands. I felt myself become a crimson red. Chris turned back around and stared at me, and at this point I felt myself choke. Don't cry. Don't cry. My life had turned into a soap opera. Y'know the ones you see on TV where there's a girl who's got two boyfriends and she can't decide which one is the father of her baby so she stops eating and then ends up in the hospital, where she later finds out her parents died in a car accident and her sister was in the other car and that her ex boyfriend killed her new boyfriend... my head swirled as I returned to the scene around me. A scene perfect for a soap opera.
"Excuse me," Chris whispered to Jimmy softly, trying to get through the doorway. Jimmy moved for him and in a matter or seconds, we were alone. I couldn't think of what to say. What would I say? 'Geez, Jim I'm sorry you had to see that.' Would he be the first to speak. No, it was quite obvious he was waiting for me.
"Come here," I whispered, my voice cracking. He looked up at me, and it felt like he could look through me. He wasn't moving. Just his chest, heaving in. And out. I suddenly grew scared that maybe he had learned that I wasn't anything special. I wasn't something guys really wanted. I was what I was in high school; "a cheap fuck". The words rang in my head as he stood there, almost mocking me. I could hear him say it. "Come here," I said strongly. He stared at me for a second and finally, walked over.
Chapter 7
I tried to think of something to say. Something that would make up for everything I had done to him. My thoughts were a blank page and although certain words had been running in my head to say, I didn't consider saying them. Jimmy stared at the carpet, in the meantime, as if he was memorizing its patterns. I waited a little while, trying to see if maybe he'd look up. I stared at his hands, as they fidgeted with the bottle of tylenol. Then, as if he knew I'd been watching his hands, he quickly put the bottle of tylenol and water onto the table beside me. I cleared my throat, and of all the things that I said, I said "Thanks for the Tylenol."
"Ya, I didn't know how many to get you from your cabinet, so I just took the whole bottle." he smirked, still staring from the carpet to his hands. I laughed. My eyes moved from staring at him to my hands. Ugh, the bandages on them covered parts of them... it looked as if I had tried to do it on purpose. "Did it hurt?"
My eyes shot up. He was getting back into talking to me, at least. "Did what hurt?" I asked, confused.
He smiled, finally staring at me. "Falling on the ground and breaking your ass, Cat. I'm talking about your hands." we laughed.
"Well, I can't really remember, actually. I've felt worse pain," I said.
"Yeah," his voice drifted. "I think everyone knows what its like to be in pain like that, I guess." I nodded with him, when he abruptly got up, pulling up his shirt and slightly moving his pants down.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I giggled.
He smiled and pointed to the scar on his lower hip. "See this? I got that when I was 13, thanks to a piece of glass." I smiled. The scar was faded, but it was none the less still there.
"Sounds painful," I said. He shrugged. "You mean to tell me that wasn't painful?" I smirked.
He gave a half smile, looking straight into my eyes. "Of course not,"
I laughed, slightly pushing him. "You are such a bad liar!" He laughed.
"Yeah, well, I can't say the same for you..." he muttered.
Chapter 8
I paused, trying to comprehend what he was trying to say. Then remembered what I had put him through over the past 72 hours or so. "Jimmy, let me explain. . ." I wanted him to interrupt. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about this. I didn't even want to think about it at this point.
"So, do you?" he stared at me, as if what he had just said made any sense to me.
"Do I what?" I asked.
"When we were trying to wake you up, you said.. y'know..." he stared back at the floor.
I felt myself turn a crimson red as I tried to think back to what my dream was about. "Oh, God." I whispered. "What did I say in my sleep?" I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
"Cmon, Cat.." he snickered, thinking I was joking. I gave him a look that proved I wasn't. "Cat, you said you love me."
I blinked. Oh, God. Oh, God. I wasn't embarassed about the fact that I said I love him, I was simply embarassed because I had nothing to say about it. I couldn't even say I don't love you. . . maybe because it wasn't the truth? I blinked again, my brain trying to process. It was all a bit too much for me. "Jimmy, I--"
"Its alright, Cat. Because I love you too," he said, slowly kneeling forward toward me. I stared at him for a second, and figured: "Screw it, the guy loves you, don't break his heart and tell him your not sure you feel the same." Then what am I supposed to do? Lie about it until he gives up on me? I stared back at him. Finally, I decided what he needed was a kiss. I grabbed his shirt collar and brought him in for one. It wasn't a second that we were kissing before our tongues were already interwined. I thought to myself, strangely enough, as we kissed, and I kept thinking, 'when did I fall in love with him? . . . when did he fall in love with me?' and the same words kept running over and over in my head as we kissed. "Why is it we never recognize the moment love begins, but always know when it ends?" I pulled away abruptly, remembering where the quote had came from in my head. It was my boyfriend in high school, when one day, the man I loved had left me a simple note inside my locker, with those words attached.
Jimmy looked at me thoughtfully, as if he wanted to know every thought inside of me. I stared at his features, melting underneath his gaze, as he leaned in and began kissing down my jawline and over to my neck.
Chapter 9
At this point, Jim and I have been dating for two weeks. It was strange because I knew I loved him. We had been friends for so long, we knew each other inside and out. And now we were publicly dating. Everyone on SNL knew about it, and yet--as Jimmy's career soared--my career floated on ground level. Occasionally, I would be in a couple skits a week, which was still amazing, but then I'd look at Jimmy or Chris or Will, and realize how I'm almost nothing compared to them... it was... strange.
Seeing as how Jim and I had known each other for so long, we had already been having sex. I was on The Pill, so we could ahem.. do "it", yes "it", without protection. It was kinda strange being with him, because I had never pictured myself to be so close to him.
I stared at his features as I watched him speak on a Monday morning. We were having an SNL meeting, and he was voicing his ideas and opinions. I looked around the table, soaking it all in, knowing I shouldn't take this all for granted. I felt something coming up my throat, and I quickly excused myself as the people nodded me away. I lightly jogged into the bathroom, pulled up the toilet seat, and vomited. I felt like crying. This had happened to me yesterday while Flora was over. She was worried, suggesting that it could be "morning sickness", I told her it couldn't be, because Jimmy and I are safe and I'm on the Pill anyway. I shrugged it off at that point, but now I was worried. Nah, its probably the flu. I coughed slightly, reaching into my purse, searching for anything I could use to get the smell of throw up out of my mouth. It was at this point I heard someone walk in.
"Oh, my God, are you alright?" it was Maya, and her reaction to seeing me on the floor. "You look pale, honey." She placed her hand on my forehead and pulled it away. "Oh, my God, whats wrong, Cat?" she asked. I looked up at her, feeling faint. I felt like I was floating. I tried to say something but I wanted everything to stop spinning first. It was at this point that I passed out.
Chapter 10
"They're giving you a pregnancy test." Audra said softly.
"I'm not pregnant."
"Cmon, Cat, don't worry, they're giving you a lot of other tests too." Fawn massaged my shoulder as I sat in the hospital bed, whimpering.
"I'm not pregnant."
"Cat, I told you to be careful with him, didn't I?" Flora was the only one talking normally to me.
"Flora, shut the fuck up, ok? I'm not fucking pregnant. I can't be pregnant I am fucking Jimmy Fallon. He would not get me pregnant."
They stared at me for minutes as I began to cry, thankful to God that Jimmy wasn't in the room. What would he say if he found out? Oh God, Catherine, you're worrying about nothing. Your not pregant.
"I'm not pregnant." I whispered again to myself as the female doctor came in, asking me to take a urine sample.
~*~*~*~*~
I walked out of the doctors office, wondering whether I should break down and cry now, or later. It was a strange feeling, not knowing whether or not there is something growing, living, inside of you. I wondered whether I should go see Jimmy now and talk to him. I wondered if maybe I shouldn't tell him because he would worry about it too. I can't be pregnant. I wondered what would happen if I WAS pregnant. Would he leave me? No, Jimmy isn't that type of person. But then again, how well do I know him?
I found myself getting into the car completely confused and dazed, as I drove myself to Jimmy's house. I wouldn't tell him. I figured that telling him would only make him look at me differently. he had a career. I don't. He doesn't need me dragging him down. He doesn't need the headlines "Fallon Father of Ferry's Baby" I could see it now... I could see him become nothing because of me, and it was tearing me apart.
