Chapter 1
She stared down at her purse. It was a maroon colour, beaded with
black lining. She ran her fingers over the beads, and the rubbed
against her, almost a slight massage.
She heard a key finger into the hole and clicked, the door opening.
She flinched, praying to God it was anyone but the person she wanted
to see. Her eyes warmed their icy exterior as her brother, 27 year
old James, walked in, followed by two other men. She immediately
recognized the first man. It was Jason, whom she had seen every day
of her life since ninth grade. Jason and James... Jay and Jay, they
called them. Jason lightly pointed at her, and whispered to the other
man.
"Hey Freak." James exclaimed. "What the fuck are you doing on the
stairs?"
"Waiting for my friends to call, you asshole. Just because your
friends are over, you don't need to act like such a prick. They know
your a loser already." She muttered. She quickly got up, not wanting
to be attacked for what she had said.
James laughed. "What are you wearing today you damn goth? You and
your fucking black shit, you piss me off! It embarasses me! I've got
a new friend over today. Show some respect." he spat.
She shuddered. "Well then don't use my room for your orgy's." She
walked over to the kitchen, trying to get to the phone, the rush in
her steps prooving that she was dying to call Kristin or Paige.
"Shut the fuck up, Jackie." Jason, tagging along, muttered. The other
man was quiet. "Introduce yourself."
"Jackie, but you won't need my name because not a lot of people talk
to me."
"That's because your a fucking freak, Jacks." James chuckled.
"Jimmy." The man finally said.
"Dad's coming home in about an hour, Jamie, so hurry up with the
getting high thing, cuz he'll be pissed as hell if he smells that
shit." Jackie said, avoiding the soft voice coming from the man, who
seemed as if he was afraid of her.
"Fuck you," James said, motioning his friends to the basement.
Chapter 2
She watched carefully the bedroom door, the sounds of KoRn beating
into her ears, screaming at her. She was preparing herself, glancing
at the clock on top of the door, waiting for him to come in. 2
minutes. He was late. Most of the time he was early, and she would go
to sleep more broken than before. But when he was late, she knew it
was because he had gone out and gotten drunk.
Even two minutes would prove it. That was how long she had been going
through it. It was routine more than anything else. Paige and Kristin
had dropped by for minutes, mainly Kristin stopping by to see James,
Jackie's older brother. Jackie told them about Jamie's new friend,
Jimmy, and explained what he looked like and how he didn't belong
with a group of losers like her brother and Jay. Kristin had laughed.
"I can't believe you don't think your brother is hot, Jacks." she
admitted for the millionth time. She pulled on her shirt lightly,
which read in a bold white "spear britney." Kristin and Paige weren't
goth like Jackie, but they liked a punkish look every now and then,
and weren't ashamed to admit it.
Paige rolled her eyes. "Its her brother, Kris." she said, laughing.
Jackie brought herself back to reality when her door clicked open.
Her heart pumped, afraid again. She curled her legs up towards her
chest tightly, hoping that she was still day dreaming. But it was
just Jimmy. Her face flushed.
"Yes?" she said, putting down the music.
"Sorry, I should have knocked." he laughed, ruffling his spikey hair.
He wasn't like 'Jay and Jay' he was just... 'Another person' Jackie
confirmed in her head.
"Yea, well, what brings you to my boring little room?" she asked. It
was true, her room was plain. A closet and a bed, and a small stereo
for listening, which she bought on her own. Comparing it to her
brother's, she was living homeless, and he was like a King.
"I don't mean to be rude or anything, but how can you let your
brother talk to you like that? I just wanted to apologize for them,
y'know? I felt horrible standing back and watching--"
"I don't take pity."
His face flushed. "I wasn't giving pity." he bit his lips.
"Yes you were."
"How old are you to be talking to me like that?" 'Oh, God.' Jackie
thought. 'He's flirting.'
"19." she muttered, slightly embarassed.
"Are you serious?" he asked, rather quickly than Jackie had expected.
"I dont lie." she said, sounding like it was something drilled into
her head. "You may want to get out of here. Our dad is coming home
soon drunk." she said bluntly.
He raised an eyebrow. "Why would I leave? I've seen tons of people
drunk... I've been drunk."
"Really?"
"Yeah.."
"I don't give a fuck." she said smartly.
His face fell. He was obviously nothing like Jamie or Jason. He was a
complete other person. "It was nice talking to you." He said, then
left Jackie still preparing for her father.
Chapter 3
Jackie works, but only because she can't go to college. So while
Paige and Kris are enjoying the college life, Jackie deals with
obnoxious parents wondering where the toy sections are for their
spoiled children at Walmart.
It sucked. No matter how much Jackie loved being different, she
couldn't stop that urge inside her that told her she wanted to live a
normal life. What she had no one else had. A razor blade.
She stared down at it. It was Sunday morning. She groaned inwardly.
Only the morning. The blade shone and flickered against the light,
posessing so much power and hope inside of it. The bathroom door was
locked, though no one was home. James had left early for 'college'
which he doesn't even go to. "Funny how dad thinks he does." She said
aloud.
She took the sharp point of the razor and helf it against her
fingertip. The blade was cold and left a hole, that bled. She watched
it bleed intently. It was a fetish of hers. Watching blood was almost
like a turn on, it brought every sense of hers alert, as her body
worked to make the blood stop dripping. Her body worked so hard to
keep her alive but she always dragged herself down.
"Hurting the part on the outside to kill the thing on the inside."
She quoted "Girl, Interrupted" a movie she hated admitting that she
liked.
The blood had stopped its running, and Jackie decided that today her
thighs would be her target. Her body hideously was cut all over. The
reason? None of it was painful, so she just kept trying and trying to
cause pain, but none of it worked. None of it was real enough to make
her scream, the way she did when her father would beat her down or
stick himself inside of her.
She paused, finally pressing down on the blade and slashing it across
her thigh, hitting a wound once cut before. The blood began instantly
dripping, ripping through her in seconds before it began to almost
hurt. She smiled at it, welcoming it to the hatefilled world. It
dripped down her leg, landing on the dirty bathroom floor. She placed
her finger on it, picking up blood and smearing it around the open
wound, almost painting a picture. Then, she whispered in a sing song
voice the poem she would recite every day since she started hurting
herself.
"I'm going to paint a picture, a picture with a twist
I'm going to take a razor and paint it on my wrist.
And from this magic picture, a fountain wil appear
And in this bloody fountain, I will disappear."
The blood kept bleeding and Jackie continued playing with the blood
that was getting out of control again. She didn't care though. The
bathroom already had enough dirt all over the place. In fact, the
bathroom floor already had blood stains from previous times, which
her brother and father ignored.
Finally, she took the blood-stained cloth beside her and rubbed over
the wound, not feeling a thing, she almost massaged it. But everytime
she would wipe away the blood, it would come back almost thicker. But
she continued to wipe away the blood. Her brother would be home from
his morning fuck in a little while.
She paused, thinking about her brothers friend, Jimmy. Why had Jimmy
even came over the night before? Why the hell would Jimmy want to
make friends with people like James or Jason? They were assholes.
Jimmy was more of that kid in class who was quiet but knew what to
say and when to say it. He was that kid every girl in the class
secretly liked but wouldn't admit to it, because they were too busy
talking about that popular kid dating the school slut.
She blinked. She had been thinking so much, she hadn't realized the
blood was gone.
Chapter 4
"And the clown's are still burning." Kristin said. Adrienne smiled,
thinking of something to say that will bring up Jackie's attitude.
The night before was another night of hell. Her father was at a bar
explaining to a man that his daughter would put out for him for 100$,
and when he came home, he came back with that man, who was perversely
holding the $100 cash. He would have his way with her.
Once Jackie had experienced a man who payed $200 to her father so the
man could cut her.
"Rough," he had said. It didn't bother Jackie, she was used to the
pain of the razor blades, but the man had gone to far, and when he
was on the floor comforted by the thoughts of his orgasm, Jackie used
the knife the man had used and stabbed him several times. He died
that night in front of her.
Last night was like any other night though. Nothing like the night
with the man she had killed. 'Besides' Jackie thought, '$200 wasn't
even enough.'
They sat on the stairs of Jackie's house, waiting for Jamie to come
home so they could leave. They didn't want to leave the house with no
one in it simply because none of the doors locked, and though there
was nothing worth taking, her father still wanted security.
Finally the door opened and James and Jimmy walked in, Jason missing.
Jackie couldn't help but smile as Jimmy walked in, hair spiked,
silver chain around his neck dangling lightly. She looked away before
he would notice and focused on the cobweb in the corner.
"We're home, now where are you going?" James asked, nodding over at
Kristin, indulging in the fact that she was blushing.
"What does it matter?" Jackie asked, getting up and pulling her shirt
down.
"Don't talk to me like that I'll kick your ass,"
"James, shut up." Aide snapped. Jamie suddenly quieted down, and this
whole time Jackie noticed Jimmy staring at her.
She picked up her purse and prepared to leave but James stood in
front of her and said mockingly, "Kill yourself." He laughed, looking
over at Jimmy waiting for him to laugh too. But Jimmy wasn't like
Jason, instead, Jimmy watched quietly and intently. Jackie bit her
lip, remembering the first time she had tried to kill herself and the
way her brother laughed because she hadn't succeeded. It was the way
he laughed now.
"At least there's a part of me to kill, James. You can't kill
yourself. Your already dead." she said frustrated, then, shoving her
way past him, she left out the door.
Chapter 5
Jackie watched her brother walk out of the adult movie section at the
video store. She had gone there with Aide and Kris, and was hoping to
see anyone but her brother and his friends.
She had thought she had seen Jimmy in the 'Comedy' section, but
shrugged it off like it was nothing, noticing a store clerk was
following her around the store, possibly checking to see that she
wouldn't take anything.
But now that she was here she had to listen to Jason talk about how
he would begin to call himself 'Shawn' and expected it out of them.
He claimed that it was his middle name and that although it would
take getting used to, he would change it soon.
Jackie couldn't help but smile, as she thought of the 'Jay and Jay'
used for them, but decided not to say anything as she didn't want her
brother to be angry with her in front of Jimmy.
She had begun to think about Jimmy lately more often. She woke up
every morning knowing there was a chance she would see him, he was
almost her motivation, his soft features made her feel peaceful
inside, although the outside was a mess.
She glanced at the tapes in Jamie's hands, "The Pajama Party" and "A
Day With Aidrienne". They were quite obviously pornos, as she saw the
covers of the tapes. She looked up at Jimmy and he gave a half-smile,
almost saying 'No way I'm watching that.' She gave him a grin back
and said, "What else are you guys taking?", hoping they would take a
movie she would watch later.
'Shawn' had grinned. "What do ya want, Jacks? Are you expecting your
brother to pay for it?"
Again, embarassed.
She paused. "Shut up, Shawn.." she said, singsonging his name. He
rolled his eyes, lightly.
"Do you have a problem with my name?"
"No, I have a problem with your new name."
Chapter 6
Jackie watched James take out a cigarette and Kristin light it.
Everyone told her her brother was hot. And in a way, she thought so
too, though she would never admit to it. Besides, his attitude was
far too much for her to take care of.
She focused her attention now on Jimmy. He rolled his thumbs around
each other, as if he was nervous. She stared at his hands, they
looked delicate. She noticed a small beauty mark on his hand, which
she knew was a sign that he would make a lot of money.
She watched him intently though, as he lightly licked his lips,
staring down at his own hands. He seemed so shy but she knew it was
nothing like he was playing off to be. He was a whole other person.
He was someone who would skydive if he had the chance to. He was
someone who liked to joke around. He was anything but the man sitting
in front of her, who had told her his name was Jimmy.
He blinked suddenly then looked up, evidently realizing she had been
watching. Instead of blushing and turning away, she grinned. He
ruffled his hair, obviously embarassed as Shawn and James spoke to
Aide about how cigarettes help people, Aide not buying it.
Jimmy finally looked back at her, more seriously and mouthed a "Hey."
Jackie burst out laughing and everyone stared at her.
"I knew you would crack sooner or later." Aide smiled. She couldn't
stop laughing though, the look on Jimmy's face had been quite
priceless when he said hey.
"Are you on crack?" Jamie asked.
"She's a fucking retard.." Shawn muttered to Kristin.
Kristin gave a devilish smile and looked over at Jimmy then
Jackie. "I know why she's laughing..."
Jackie suddenly turned a bright red, contrasting to the color of her
clothes.
But James changed the subject instead, obviously not caring about why
his sister was laughing. "So, Kris when are we gonna fuck?"
"Fuck you James," she muttered, rolling her eyes. Jackie knew she
only thought he was hot, nothing more.
"James, leave her alone, dammit." Aide said.
"Get a boyfriend, Aide.. get a life." Shawn said, getting up to put
the tape into the VCR.
"And if you can't get a life, Aide, take a life.. preferably
Shawn's." Jackie said smartly.
Chapter 7
Jackie sat with Kris and Aide, listening to 89X on the radio, low
enough so it wouldn't bother her brother and friends as they watched
their movies, they had kicked them out of the room 5 minutes ago, and
now the girls sat quietly, waiting for a good rock song to come on
the radio. A soft knocking came from the door.
"What?" Jackie asked, loud enough for the person to hear.
"Oh, uh... Can I come in?" It was Jimmy.
Aide got up and let opened the door slowly, careful to make sure
neither Shawn or James were behind it with him. She moved out of the
way so he could come in, then shut the door behind him.
"Hey," Kristin grinned from ear to ear, as did Aide.
Jimmy made a slight wave. "You can sit down you know." Jackie said.
He obeyed. "What do ya want?" she asked rather rudely.
Jimmy, taken by surprise, muttered, "Well, they started watching this
movie and lets just say I wasn't interested... I had to tell them I
was going to the bathroom." He gave a half-smile to die for.
Aide got up. "You have amazing hair." she said shamelessly. She sat
behind him on Jackie's hard bed, careful not to make too much
creaking, and began to fiddle with it.
"Uh, thanks I guess.." he said.
"Why are you so shy?" Kristin asked. You could easily count on her to
be blunt.
Jimmy raised an eyebrow. "You guys are weird," he chuckled. Jackie
raised her brows skeptically. "In a good way." he saved himself.
"What are you doing with a bunch of assholes like James and Shawn?"
Jackie finally asked the question burning inside of her.
Jimmy was taken off guard, as he wondered an answer. "God, that's a
good question... I don't even know," he laughed. "Shawn and I were
both trying to get the same girl at this house party awhile back,
then he introduced me to James when she walked off with her
girlfriend." He looked at the wall, as if he was reliving the
incident.
It was now that finally, after commercial break, Adema "Giving In"
played. A smile creeped onto Jackie's face as she pictured Jimmy
trying to mack someone, silently wishing it was her.
"They're gonna think you're doing something in that bathroom if you
don't hurry up, Jimmy." Kristin laughed.
Jimmy blushed. "Right, I'm gonna get going, it was nice talking to
ya'll." Aide let go of his spike-gelled hair reluctantly.
"I look forward to playing with your hair again someday," she said,
giving a wink as he shut the door behind him.
Jackie couldn't help but smile, no matter how angry she was with
herself for not saying anything more.
Chapter 8
Jackie's father threw her to the ground. She whimpered, as she was
told to, although it didn't hurt. Jackie felt the urge again to get
up and just hurt herself over and over, but she stayed glued to the
ground where her father screamed at her for not putting the remote
above the TV rather than on the table. Jackie pretended to listen,
truthfully in her own world, one that didn't resemble this hell.
He slapped her for not paying attention then. She felt the urge slip
away as blood dripped from beneath her eye. She wanted to embrace it
as it fell from her, she wanted to cherish the moment but the
doorbell rang.
She studied the pattern on the floor when her father asked her rather
calmly to answer the door.
She passed the mirror and gave herself a glance, noticing she was in
a tank top, one of the only ones she owned, because her father had
bought it for her to wear occasionally. The cuts, all down her arms,
were quite vivid, though some were faded, and each of them looked
like they could tell a story. She wiped some of the blood from the
small line of a magnificent red color and continued to the door,
hearing her father panting in the family room.
She opened it, and found Jimmy behind the screen, she sharply moved
behind the door so he wouldn't see her arms. Then mouthed, "Whisper."
to him.
"Who the hell is it Jacks?" her father hollered.
"Your bleeding." He whispered.
"Yeah, I popped a zit," Jackie muttered, though the line was long
enough to be considered more than one pimple.
"Tell him we don't want no goddamn chocolate and shut the door." came
her fathers voice, thinking it was a child selling candy.
"James isn't home," She whispered softly, then, loud enough for her
father to hear, said, "I'm sorry, I hate chocolate."
"Damn straight," came his hideous voice again.
She began to close the door, a worried expression on Jimmy's face,
then she mouthed a 'Just Go' and shut him out completely.
Chapter 9
Jackie sat, watching Raw is War, among her favorite things to watch.
It was Monday night again. She could finally be alone and watch
wrestling, without having to worry about her father beating her or
her brother and his friends hurting her.
She sat, not exactly paying attention, seeing Stone Cold Steve Austin
chasing after Vince McMahon. She wondered what Jimmy had thought when
he saw her and heard her father back in the living room. Perhaps he
figured it out. Maybe he knows her father beats her and rapes her.
Maybe he knows she cuts herself.
She blinked. Once. Twice. Jackie went over that word again, "cut" and
thought about it, seeing Ric Flair jump out of nowhere on the
television screen in Colorado. She got up for a second and walked to
the kitchen, pulling out a knife, suddenly feeling like 'carving'.
When she sat back down it was on commercial.
She held the cool knife against her skin, on the back of her arm,
seeing a free space. She poked the knife at first into her finger and
decided it was sharp enough for something small. She held the pointy
side to her skin, where she had raised her sleeve. Then, sliding it
across her marked skin, she pushed down hard. A straight line was
created, and then a magnificent color of crimson red bubbled out. She
smiled.
"What the hell are you doing?"
She jumped, looking up to find Jimmy, an empty glass in his hand. She
had forgotten they were downstairs. She quickly put the knife down
but it was too late. The look on his face proved he had seen it all.
Chapter 10
His intense eyes proved he was mortified that anyone could do such a
thing. She wondered what she should say.
"What are you doing up here?" Smart, Jacks... she thought... really
smart. The drops of blood came out slower, this was the least blood
she had ever had come out it awhile.
"Shawn wanted some water, Jackie what the hell are you doing?" He
said, walking over to her.
There was no excuse this time. She had nothing to say. Then, Raw came
back on. She looked up at the TV, praying to God Jimmy would mention
something about wrestling, but he stared at her arm instead, still
looking disgusted at her habit. This was when Jackie noticed her
black sleeve was rolled up, showing the many scars down her arm. She
pulled it down quickly, low enough to cover the blood that was
beginning to dry.
"You watch wrestling?" he said softly, as if he wanted to get his
mind off of what he had seen her doing. She nodded, feeling like he
had seen her naked. She blushed. "I like Lita." he said finally.
She looked up. "Yea? Me? I like Jeff Hardy.. and I like Shane McMahon
too." she whispered.
"Shane McMahon! Please! He's a pussy!" he laughed.
"Whatever, he's kicked a lot of ass, okay?"
"Yeah, but he doesn't even wrestle." he nudged me lovingly.
I couldn't help but smile. "Do you wanna watch it with me?" I asked,
for the first time being shy.
He bit his lip. "Actually, I can't. I gotta get back downstairs,
Shawn wanted this water like, half an hour ago!" he exaggerated. I
smiled, then nodded. "Take care of yourself, Jackie." he said simply,
getting up to go to the kitchen for water. Before he was completely
out of my sight, he turned back around and said, "I mean that."
