Spike was alive. 

 

He was in Sunnydale.

 

He didn’t tell her. 

 

Buffy’s mind kept looping through those three thoughts.  The ‘sitting on her bed and trying to sort stuff out’ thing worked for an entire minute and a half.  Buffy could feel how tense she was.  If someone actually touched her right now, she was pretty sure she’d break into a million pieces. 

 

Pacing… pacing was good.

 

Buffy began to pace around her room, wringing her hands at her sides, finding it impossible to focus on any one thought.   

 

How could he come back and not tell her?  Okay, thought focusing… not as hard as she thought it would be.

 

She glanced down at her knuckles.  They were red from hitting Faith.  A touch of Faith’s blood on the back of her hand.  Buffy quickly rubbed it off.

 

Buffy should feel guilty, but she didn’t – she couldn’t.  Faith should’ve told her.  What had she said?  Something about it not being up to her?

 

Buffy didn’t care and she pushed the thought from her mind.  She knew if she dwelled on it long enough she would start to feel guilty. 

 

At the moment she was too angry to feel guilty.

 

Buffy plopped back down on the bed.  Pacing wasn’t working.  Ugh! Sitting wasn’t working… she fell backwards…  lying down wasn’t all that great either.

 

She never heard the front door close, but she knew Faith was gone.  Xander and Willow were talking quietly now, although Buffy couldn’t focus in on what they were saying.  She didn’t even really try to.  At this point she really didn’t care.

 

Spike was alive. 

 

He was in Sunnydale.

 

He didn’t tell her. 

 

XXXXX

 

“What should we do?” Xander asked.

 

Willow looked around uncertainly, her glance resting on the stairs.  “I don’t know.”

 

“I guess we won’t be going to the Magic Box today, huh?”

 

“I guess not.”

 

Willow knew they were having a hard time dealing with what had happened.  Everything had changed so fast.  Sunnydale, Buffy and Faith, and now Spike being back.  What did it all mean?

 

“I wonder how long he’s been back,” she finally asked.

 

Xander said, “I wonder who else knows.”

 

“Besides Faith, you mean?”

 

“Yeah,” Xander said.  “She’s been staying with Angel, isn’t that what Giles said?”

 

Willow looked at him.  “That means Angel knows too.”

 

“Looks like Buff was the last to know,” Xander said shaking his head in disbelief.

 

“Poor Buffy.  Do you think we should go and see how she is?” Willow asked, concern registering on her face, her eyes glancing towards the stairs yet again.

 

“I don’t know Will.  She’s pretty upset.  Buffy’s not one to talk, hit maybe, but not talk.  Maybe we should give her some time to deal,”  Xander suggested shrugging his shoulders.

 

“We could go find Faith,” she suggested hopefully.

 

Xander’s disgust showed.  “Why? She betrayed Buffy … again.  What’s the point?”

 

Willow was torn.  She had seen Buffy’s anger and hurt, but she also saw Faith.  “I don’t know Xander.  There’s more here.  I can feel it.  Didn’t you see Faith?  Did you see how she looked?”

 

“She looked guilty.  That’s all I saw.”

 

“Xander,” Willow said, “stop being all mad for a second.”

 

Xander wasn’t one to look all thinky most of the time; confused and scared, okay.  Usually he was one to just blurt something out.  But Willow could tell that he was actually putting some thought into his answer. 

 

“I don’t know,” he finally said.  “She looked guilty, hurt, what do I know?”

 

“It wasn’t guilt. It was defeat.” 

 

Xander shook his head.  “This is Faith we’re talking about.”

 

“No, think about it. Didn’t you see the change in her?  She was being all, I don’t know, teamy.  She was part of the group, helping us, hanging with us, and it didn’t feel all strained like it used to.  Buffy jumped all over her without knowing what happened or why she hadn’t told us.  Don’t you remember, she said it wasn’t up to her?”

 

Xander’s face softened ever so slightly.

 

“Buffy had the right to be upset.  But I think she’s more upset with Spike than she is with Faith.  Faith was here.  Spike wasn’t.”  Willow stood.  “I think we should go look for Faith.  I doubt Buffy will be coming down anytime soon, and we should try to patch things up.”

 

Xander didn’t have time to argue.

 

Buffy came racing down the stairs, taking two at a time, not bothering to acknowledge either one of them, she bolted out the front door and left it standing wide open.

 

“I think she just beat us to it,” Xander said.

 

XXXXX

 

Buffy was running by the time she hit the end of the street.  Her first impulse had been to stay in her bedroom all day and try to sort out what had happened, but after an hour, she knew that wasn’t going to work.  She needed answers.  She needed to go to the one place that she knew she’d find them. 

 

She didn’t bother knocking, she had earned the right not to.

 

“Back so soon?” Spike asked.  He was sitting in his worn out comfy chair reading.  He began to put his book on the table without looking up.

 

“Funny. I was about to ask you the same thing,” Buffy said breathlessly from the doorway.  She saw him stiffen, his gaze slowly moving from the book to her.  She didn’t care how much she had surprised him.  Now they were even.

 

“Buffy,” Spike replied softly, his gaze meeting her glare as he stood up, setting the book down on a nearby table. 

 

Buffy didn’t dare move even a muscle.  She was terrified of what she might do.  She was torn between embracing him and killing him.  Right now she wasn’t sure which she wanted to do more. 

 

“You found out,” he said.

 

Buffy was finding it hard to talk through gritted teeth and that entire forgetting to breathe thing, so she willed herself to relax.  She unclenched her fists and took a deep breath.  “Yep.”

 

Spike shook his head.  “Saw me, huh?”

 

“With Faith.”

 

“What do you want me to say?” Spike moved towards her.

 

It was Spike… it was her Spike.  She knew it.  She felt it.  He was standing in front of her and he truly wasn’t dead.  The person she counted on, depended on and… okay who was she trying to kid... needed.  He was not ten feet away from her.  Spike was talking to her and moving closer and if she didn’t do something soon Spike might actually touch her, and if he did that she would lose the little control she had.   

 

“Stop!”  Buffy put up her hand, stopping him in his tracks as she took a step back.  She knew she was close to losing it and the mood needed to change.  “You so don’t want to be within hitting distance of me right now.”  Anger… anger she could deal with.  All that other stuff was making her head all swirly.

 

“I’m sorry Buffy.”  She could see it in his eyes… in Spike’s eyes, and he was sorry  “What do you want me to say?”  Okay now he was repeating himself.  This is going well…

 

No!  Wait!  Spike wasn’t supposed to be asking the questions.  She was supposed to be doing the asking.  This isn’t going at all the way it was supposed to go.  The plan was to walk in, say little and glare. 

 

Glaring always worked.  Once she did that he would have some kind of meltdown and tell her everything she needed to know without her having to ask him.  It wasn’t working out that way and now he was putting it all on her and it was pissing her off.  He knew damn well why she was here.  He knew damn well what she wanted to know.  He knew damn well why she was so angry. 

 

“What do I want you to say?  Jeez, Spike, where would you like me to start?” 

 

Spike didn’t answer, but kept his gaze fixed on hers, waiting for her to go on. 

 

“Let’s start with what I know.  Hmm let’s see.  You’ve been back long enough for Faith to hook up with you in L.A. and you came here with her.  Caught a ride in that sporty car of hers.  Hell, at this point that could even be a lie.  Car could be yours for all I know.”

 

“It’s Faith’s,” he volunteered.

 

“Oh, thanks so much for your honesty,” Buffy said sarcastically. 

 

“This is my fault Buffy.  Nobody else’s.  Not Faith’s.”

 

“There wasn’t even a question Spike.  A question could be…” Buffy stopped, realization dawning in her.  “Angel,” she whispered.  “Angel knows too.” 

 

Spike came to her, putting his arm gently around her shoulder and leading her to sit down.  Buffy didn’t fight him. “Everyone knows don’t they?” she asked quietly, sitting down and not meeting his gaze.

 

“In L.A… yeah.”

 

Buffy looked up at him.  She knew there was more, she could tell by his face.  She was afraid to ask, she was afraid of what he still hadn’t told her and she wasn’t sure if she could take anymore. 

 

“Tell me,” she finally said, the anger finally beginning to melt away.

 

“Giles and Andrew.”

 

Buffy felt as though all the air had been knocked out of her.  Giles knew too?  He didn’t tell her?  Giles?  Andrew knew and he didn’t spring it on her in one of his video documentaries?  Andrew lived for that stuff.  He would’ve considered her surprise priceless.  But Giles?

 

“I know what you’re thinking,” Spike began.

 

“You have no idea what I’m thinking, Spike, so don’t even bother.  People I trust, the people I feel closest to, lied to me….  And kept things from me.  They knew all about this and never said a word.  Any idea on how that makes me feel?”

 

“It’s me, remember?  I’ve always known what you’re feeling,” he said taking her chin softly in his hand.  “It’s my fault.  If you’re going to be mad at anyone be mad at me.” 

 

Buffy glared at him, pulling her chin from his hand... there it was, anger was back.

 

“If you’re going to hit me, just bloody do it,” he said.

 

Buffy was taken aback.  He thought she was going to hit him?  She wasn’t like that anymore; okay they weren’t like that anymore.  She was hurt and angry and really ticked off, but she wasn’t going to take it out on him. 

 

“I’m not going to hit you,” she sighed.

 

“Good,” Spike said, showing his little wicked smile, “didn’t feel much like getting pummeled this morning anyway.”

 

Buffy couldn’t help it, she smiled slowly back at him.  “I should so hate you right now.”

 

“I’m sorry,” he said genuinely.  “I know I should’ve told you.”

 

Buffy’s smile disappeared as quickly as it had come.  “Why didn’t you?”

 

Spike shrugged his shoulders and sat on the arm of the chair.  “I don’t …I don’t know.”  She could see him struggling to find the right words.  “When I first came back, I wasn’t really back.  I wasn’t corporeal.  I was a ghost, literally.  The amulet was somehow sent to Angel.  I guess I was kind of inside it – it was my new home for a bit.  It took, hell if I know, months for me to actually be back.  After that I had heard that you had taken off to Europe and were getting on with things.  Who was I to interfere?  You had a life, a life of not being the Chosen One.  You left Sunnydale behind you pet, and I didn’t want to bring back any of the bad.”

 

“That’s how Andrew knew, when he came back to get Dana,” Buffy said, more as a thought than a question.

 

“Yep, and again when Angel and I went to Italy.  We tried to find you, but we just kept missing each other.  Told Andrew not to say anything because I wanted to tell you myself.  Kind of surprised he kept his word.  Strange boy - actually told everyone not to tell you ‘cause I wanted to do it myself.”

 

“What about Giles?” Buffy asked quietly.

 

“Not quite sure when he found out, maybe when the boy came for Dana.  Angel would know better than me.” He brightened, remembering something.  “He knew when he called Faith and told her about Sunnydale.  He asked if I had told anybody yet.”

 

“What about Faith?  When did Faith find out?”

 

“Faith stumbled on me when she came to see Angel.  She and Robin had gone their separate ways and she was looking for a friendly face.”

 

“And she found you?”

 

“No.  She found Angel.  Got stuck with me.”

 

Buffy caught the slight smile and softening on Spike’s face when he said the last part.  “Got stuck with you?  What do you mean got stuck with you?  What aren’t you telling me?”

 

“You didn’t love me Buffy,” his voice barely above a whisper.

 

It felt as if her heart had stopped beating in her chest.  “What does …?  If I recall, big fire, walls caving in, me saying… that I did, you going all glowy.”

 

“But you didn’t mean it.”

 

How could he say that? Of course she had meant it.  If she didn’t mean it she wouldn’t have said those words.  But how had she meant it?  Towards the end they had come full circle.  They were confidantes, they were friends, and they covered each other’s backs.  They both had left the darkness behind and had moved forward to a place of knowledge, companionship, love and understanding.  She needed him and was devastated when he was gone.  She had moved on without him, knowing in her heart that he loved her and she loved him.  He had gone out in a blaze and he had loved it; she had felt it with him in those last moments.  Felt it as their hands were united as one, when the flames started to take over and the Hellmouth began to cave in on itself.

 

Was that love?

 

She was even more confused.  “I don’t know anything right now.  Life, death, love, hate.  They’re all words that keep getting all bumpy in my head.”  Spike seemed to accept her answer because he didn’t push her any further.  “Do you love her?” she asked.  Buffy caught the wary look on his face.  “It’s a valid question.”

 

“You know I’ll always love you Buffy.”

 

She could see how uncomfortable he was getting, but she didn’t care.  She wanted an answer – and this wasn’t about her.  Well right now it wasn’t.  “You didn’t answer me.”

 

“We shouldn’t be talking about this right now.”  Spike stood clearly agitated.  “I don’t bloody know.  Think you’re confused.  Try being me right now.”

 

“We shouldn’t be talking about this right now?” Buffy stood and faced him squarely.  “When were we supposed to talk about it Spike?  Maybe a few months ago?  Oh wait, couldn’t do it then, now could we?” 

 

Spike just looked at her.  She knew that look; he wasn’t going to answer her, and if he wasn’t going to answer… Buffy knew all too well what that meant.  She was resigned to the fact that no matter how much she pushed him right now he wasn’t going to admit anything to her.  Buffy decided to let it go, if only for the moment. 

 

“Fine, where’s Faith?” she finally managed to say.

 

“She isn’t here,” Spike said, concern showing on his face.

 

Buffy was confused.  She had figured Faith would come back here.  “Haven’t you seen her?”

 

“Not since she left to go back to your place”.

 

Buffy involuntarily glanced at her now bruised knuckles.

 

“You hit her, didn’t you?”

 

Buffy ran her fingers through her hair, brushing the loose strands from her face.  “Yeah, I was… frustrated,” she said standing up.  “She wouldn’t tell me anything.  I was pissed off.”

 

“More than once, I’d wager.”

 

“I was really, really mad,” she said unconsciously looking for sympathy.

 

“Did she tell you anything?” he asked.

 

Buffy paused, not wanting to tell him, but she knew in the end she didn’t have any choice.  “That it wasn’t up to her and she was sorry,” Buffy said solemnly.

 

“Bloody hell Buffy, you hit her for that?”  Spike began pacing.  “I guess she deserved it then?” 

 

Buffy finally spoke.  “Where would she go?  I thought she’d be here with you.”

 

“You need to think again Slayer.  She’s not here.” Spike shook his head and started towards the crypt door.  “You have no idea what you’ve done.”

 

“Doesn’t mean you have to get all ‘Grr’ at me Spike.” Buffy was getting mad as well, and then he’d gone and called her ‘Slayer’… definitely not a good sign.

 

Spike lowered his voice and stopped.  “I’m sorry, it’s just that she’s been through a lot and she was changing - for the better.  I’m afraid what this could do to her.”

 

“Why all the concern for Faith all the time?  She’s not some china doll that can get easily broken.  She’ll be fine.”  Even as she said it, she knew Spike wouldn’t believe it - she wasn’t sure she believed it herself.  “Where would she go?”

 

Spike didn’t answer.

 

“Come on Spike.  Where would she go?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

XXXXX