Thursday 15 April 2004

Puns about today's title aside, this has been such a bad week so far. Every day I do practically nothing, I've hardly slept at all, and it's reminiscent of how I spent my November and December here.

I think I've put my finger on the problem, though. This week I've felt more lonely than I have during the first two months since the move to Menasha, and the common denominator here is work... teaching... being at school and talking with people.

When I "have to" be at school, I get a lot accomplished... both there and at home. I am energized by my students, at ease with the faculty, and am proud of everything I'm doing for The Academy. Without teaching, I seem once again asea. (This is just a week for spring break... what in hell am I going to over the summer?)

Despite volunteering to help with accreditation, I've done nothing since Monday morning. I've yet to do my taxes this week (I've still got this afternoon) or my paperwork. I just feel so overwhelmed by everything I've put off 'til the last possible minute. The feeling shows at home as I've been smoking like a chimney this week, even though I know I should be trying to quit.

Jackie left a message on my voicemail on Tuesday. She's either come to her senses or actually told the truth when saying she was starting a new job and wouldn't be able to make it out this weekend. It's probably a good choice on her part. Though I was playing around in my head about possibilities of more-than-a-visit, I know it's better for everyone involved if I just stand back and let things happen as they should.

Still no word from Karen or Dixie....

I did call Crystal at Scoreboard last night to get her address and Cheri's for a long-overdue letter to each. Crystal and I talked for a few minutes (she's doing well, though her divorce is not yet complete), and I'll more than likely have a new batch of what-if's to play with tonight.

Meanwhile, how am I wasting my days? This morning I created the computer-illustrated figure shown here, which I titled Goddess. It is, perhaps, a testament to my loneliness.

Maybe I should go out to one of the bars tonight... but I would most likely watch women and not talk with any. Maybe I should go through one of the intimate personals available... but then not call any of them. Maybe I should ask out one of the girls I flirt with at the gas station where I buy my cigarettes... but just wind up buying more smokes and flirting some more.

Or maybe I should just file my taxes and financial documents, find a night job, make enough money to finally buy a car, and work on my self-confidence before asking anyone out. And feel so very alone until I do.