Wednesday 05 November 2003

Four dollars and forty-eight cents. That's my sum amount of liquidity as I attempt to start life anew. I have $2.13 in cash and $2.35 in my checking account.

I just finished a breakfast of toast, honey, coffee, and half an apple. (The other half will be used with some pork I'm defrosting for supper tonight.) Before I take a shower, get dressed, and pound the pavement of Menasha for a new gig, I thought I'd sit at the computer here and share what I hope will be a momentous occasion.

I've just lit the last cigarette I can afford. The Marlboro Blend 27 is smooth, with more flavor than the Marb Lights I used to smoke. I drag the smoke in, hold it, and exhale it slowly through my nostrils. I can sometimes go a few hours between cigarettes, but I have found myself chain-smoking four an hour as I drive, sit at the computer, or worry. Deep breath.

I crush out the cigarette in my ashtray. I realize the next two days are going to be the hardest... if I can get through them, I hope the cravings will subside after that. I sip my coffee. My daughter, my mom, and my former students will be very proud of me. One more deep breath and sip of coffee.

There are so many things to do. I'm going to have to take any job in Menasha I can find, since I don't have enough for daily bus fare to Appleton. Once I have enough cash to get a phone, I'll be able to put myself on the sub list for area high schools, or at least find a higher-paying gig. A cheap car will be next to save on bus fare and to see Catherine as often as I can. Best case scenario, I'll be teaching full-time somewhere in northeast Wisconsin in ten months. Realistic scenario, I'll never teach again. I have no clue what job could be more important or personally satisfying to me.

Deep breath. I wish I had one more cigarette.

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