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I felt --> <-- this big. There's no way she can't know how much I think of her. Apparently age is not an issue with Crystal... Tom is two years older than I am. I'm not old... I'm unwanted. My god.... I felt guilty about it, but I dug into the money I'd planned to leave for a tip and ordered a shot of Black Velvet. My mind's been toasted since. It's a confirmation of something mentioned in yesterday's entry:
...this is why it's called a "crush." On the financial and communication fronts, nothing good is happening. When the phone rings, over half the time it's a collection agency, and I've come to the point of letting it ring, then screening my calls from my voicemail. Whenever I hear the phone before 9pm, I tense up and let it go, waiting the required four rings until there is peace. Upon my return home tonight, I checked my voicemail for the first time since Wednesday, just to drive home one final reminder that Crystal wanted to be with someone else and chose not to call me. Five people left messages. Two, indeed, were from collection agencies. One was a video store reminder that I had a movie due. One was Mom letting me know she wasn't coming this weekend after all, but next Saturday instead... something I learned last night talking to Lori. One was Matt. Again, mentioned yesterday:
Matt's call at 3:34 yesterday afternoon was to let me know how important it would have been to him for me to attend his last football game (Senior Night), and that if I needed a ride he'd make arrangements for me to get there. I didn't listen to the message until it was 32 hours too late. |