John �Barge� McKinleth. Most of you are probably aware of recent events in the life of John �Barge� McKinleth, but, for reasons that will become apparent later, let me repeat them now. In a fashionable suburb of Dublin, there�s a graveyard called Hattinwood. It�s regarded as the most exclusive graveyard in the country, and securing a plot in Hattinwood is one of the most sought-after social prizes. For the past thirty-six years, the decision on who should gain entry to the graveyard has been made by the Black brothers. The Man Above has a say in it too, but the two men below decide who should pass through the gates of Hattinwood after they pass through the gates of Heaven. Or Hell. It doesn�t matter if you�re more likely to end up in Heaven or Hell; status is the primary consideration in determining if you get a place in this graveyard. Hattinwood has been run by the Black family for nearly two centuries, and throughout that time, those who wish to secure a plot have had to fill out an application form. Questions on the form concern the wealth of the applicant, their residence, their circle of friends, and so on. On the basis of their answers, the applicant is awarded a score of between zero and 100, which determines their position in a league table of applicants. The most fashionable people have always been at the top of the list. To be buried in the graveyard, you have to be in the top ten at the time of your death. In 1903, because of the huge number of applicants, the Black family decided to publish their �league table� in The Irish Times. The list was published every six months. The social standing of the people at the top of the list increased even further, but for those at the other end it meant social ruin. For the unfortunate person at the bottom of the list, it was like getting leprosy. There have been many instances over the years of suicide amongst people at or near the bottom of the list. In 1927, a special area in the graveyard was set aside for those who committed suicide as a result of their application to the Black family. This area has always been kept separate from the main graveyard to prevent people committing suicide just to get into the graveyard. The effect of the publication of the list had a huge impact on the number of applicants. Only those who were convinced they had a good chance of getting a place near the top of the list would apply. There was some social pressure to apply just to prove your social standing, but people often found excuses not to apply. The number of people choosing cremation amongst the social elite increased significantly � they chose cremation rather than face the social shame of being in the lower reaches of the list. In recent years, the Black brothers� list has been published on the Internet. It�s occupied almost exclusively by celebrities, judges, politicians and so forth. No one from lower down the social scale need bother applying. Which is why the Black brothers were surprised to receive an application form from our own John McKinleth, with an accompanying photo of him with his hands on the breasts of one of the competitors in a qualifying competition for Miss Ireland. It looked as if the competition was taking place in a bar, or actually on the bar. She didn�t seem to have any objections to the location of John�s hands, possibly because there wasn�t anything else there to cover her breasts. John certainly didn�t mind. The application form continued the theme of the photo. The words �drink� and �breasts� appeared numerous times. It goes without saying that John�s name appeared at the very bottom of the list. It came as a bit of a surprise to John to see his name there at all. It turned out that the application for a place in the graveyard was just a practical joke played by some of John�s friends � it was their birthday present to him. John thought it was funny. He didn�t mind being on the bottom of the list at all. He was even interviewed on TV about it, and he became a minor celebrity. Within weeks, the Black brothers were inundated with application forms from �worthless� people. It became the latest craze, and it was starting to become as difficult to get a place near the bottom of the list as it was to get into the top places. Celebrities caught on to the craze. Many celebrities had never applied to the Black brothers because of the damage a low placing on the list could do to their careers, but this was their opportunity to look down on those above them in the established order. They pretended they didn�t care about the graveyard. It became fashionable to be �worthless�. Celebrities tried to outdo each other in their claims of worthlessness and idiocy, and they all had their new worthless friends. John was the most prized of them all. They�d turn up to film premieres and say, �I have to leave early. I�m playing darts with John tonight.� Naturally the Black brothers were very worried about this trend. It was completely undermining the prestige of Hattinwood. Every new applicant was trying to get to the bottom of the list, and all of the people who were on the list before the craze started withdrew their applications, which left John at the top of the list. The Black brothers decided to block any new hoax applications, and the craze died out. John�s celebrity friends deserted him, but he was still at the top of the league table for entry into Hattinwood. John didn�t want to be on top of the list. He felt that his rightful place was at the bottom. If he was on the bottom of the list, he�d be at the top of the table of idiocy, and that�s where he wanted to be. He had to do something to regain his old reputation as an idiot. There was a friend of John�s sister who often used to stay in their house. Chloe was her name. She was a model, and she used to sleep in the room just next to John�s. Whenever she stayed in that room, John always dreamt about tin. He wondered if there was something magnetic about her. On one night, she slept in a room at the other end of the house, and the tin in his dreams was a bit more vague. He was desperate to sleep with her, to see if the tin would be more prominent in his dreams, but the chances of sleeping with her seemed fairly slim. She was a model and he was just John, so he came up with the idea of climbing a ladder outside her window and sleeping there. He thought it was the perfect way of testing the tin in his dreams, and it also seemed just about stupid enough to regain his reputation. He couldn�t put his finger on what exactly was so stupid in this plan, but he went ahead with it anyway. He climbed the ladder outside her window and fell asleep. And sadly he�s yet to wake up. Chloe woke up when she heard his fall, and she called the ambulance. Doctors give John a 50-50 chance of survival. If he does die, he�d be guaranteed a plot in Hattinwood, and this has been the source of the recent controversy. Some have argued that a burial in Hattinwood would give John more dignity than anything his future life could give him, if he were to survive. If he recovers from his accident, he�ll just go back to his old life of drinking and playing darts � especially now that he�s been abandoned by his celebrity friends � and constantly looking out for opportunities to recreate that photo of his meeting with the Miss Ireland contestant (who, incidentally, came second in the final competition), and the argument has been put forward that such a life would be far less dignified than death and burial in Hattinwood. Those who support this view claim that to respect the dignity of John�s life, the life support machine should be turned off. No one can doubt the validity of this argument, but still, his friends and family were reluctant to accept it. Yet again, our esteemed mayor, Billy Pony, has found a solution to the problem that no one else would have thought of. He came up with the idea that a 1,500 word obituary in The Mizenwood Times would give John the dignity to go on living. So here is that obituary. John never excelled in school. His old principal used to say, �If he could put as much energy into his studies as he puts into avoiding his studies, then he just wouldn�t be John.� No one knows where the nickname �Barge� came from. Some people suggest it comes from the way he plays football or the way he behaves in queues or walking down the street or in a pub on his way to the bar, or what he did to both members of a Carpenters tribute band when they tried to keep him from a beer keg at a party. He�ll be missed by all. Especially by the darts team �
they have a big match coming up next week. But hopefully we�ll see him back on the darts team before too long. Get well soon, John.
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