The Mizzenwood Times  news

A debate has arisen over who should play Santa at the ceremony to turn on the Christmas lights this year. George Hill-Garden, a local businessman, has filled this role for the past six years, but some members of the Town Council are questioning his suitability to play Santa. Last Christmas, his daughter released a single about trees in an attempt to claim the Christmas Number One. When George would walk with his daughter in the park or in the woods, she�d point at each tree and say, �That tree is happy,� or, �That tree is sad.� There were more sad trees in winter when the branches were bare. This gave George the idea for the Christmas song. In the video she walks around the woods, identifying the trees as being either happy or sad, but the happiest tree of all is the Christmas tree at home.

The single was the odds-on favourite to be the Christmas Number One until a song about gluing fish together became very popular on the radio. Various parents groups objected to this song because they claimed it would have a bad influence on young people, and George strongly supported these objections, but the opposition to the song only seemed to increase its popularity.

The Town Council in Mizzenwood supported the objections to the song. One of the Councillors who voiced his concerns was Alan Hadder. Alan�s son and daughter, Greg and Emma, often went to the park with their mother. Greg would cycle on his BMX, but he had an extraordinary habit of cycling into trees. He always managed to hit the trees. His mother said to someone in the park that if he was blindfolded he�d still manage to hit a tree. It was meant as a joke, but it was taken seriously and the rumour went around the town that he could find trees on his bike while wearing a blindfold. When George heard this he interpreted it as a sort of a challenge to his daughter�s ability to identify trees as being happy or sad. He was very dismissive of Greg�s ability to locate trees blindfolded.

A few years ago, a chimney sweep advertised his services in Mizzenwood. He offered to do the job quicker, cheaper and more intelligently than any of his rivals. His method was to put a plant in the grate of the fire and let it grow. He claimed that if it was watered regularly, after a few years it would grow up the chimney and do the job of the chimney sweep as it rises. A huge amount of people in the town hired him. After three years, some of the plants had grown three or four feet, but the lack of light was hampering them. People were unable to use their fires in that time, but on the other hand, they didn�t have to have their chimneys cleaned in that time either.

But then someone saw this �chimney sweep� playing the kettle drums in an orchestra on TV and they realised that he wasn�t really a chimney sweep. He couldn�t really play the kettle drums either. Everyone who had hired him removed the plant from their fireplaces and left it out for the bin men. This was two weeks before last Christmas, on the day when the Christmas lights were due to be switched on. For over fifty years this ceremony has been held at the Christmas tree in the middle of a square. A huge crowd assembled around the square. All the kids were there to meet Santa, played by George. Alan was there with his wife and Emma, but there was no sign of Greg. He was at a friend�s house nearby, and he was supposed to go from there to the ceremony. His father wanted the whole family together because a few photographers from the press were there, and a family photo in front of the tree would look good in the papers. Alan kept looking at his watch as the time to turn on the lights drew nearer.

Greg was in his friend�s garden, looking at the goldfish in the fishpond. They were trying to figure out how they�d glue them together, like in the song. But then Greg remembered the ceremony to turn on the lights. He got on his bike and cycled as fast as he could. Alan saw him as he turned onto the street that leads to the square. Every house on this street had used the chimney sweep who put a plant in their fireplaces, and outside each house, a plant had been left for the bin men. When Greg cycled into the first one and got covered in soot, his father swore. During the previous Lent, Alan gave up alcohol and took up swearing. He started drinking again after Lent, but he never gave up the swearing. Greg hit every single plant on the street and his father swore every single time. Greg was completely black by the time he arrived in the square, but he didn�t stop there. He kept going and cycled into the Christmas tree.

Alan featured very prominently in the papers on the following day, but it wasn�t the nice family photo he had been hoping for. People focussed on his repeated use of inappropriate words in front of so many children. �Santa� was said to be outraged at what happened. Alan wouldn�t have been so heavily criticised if he hadn�t condemned the song about gluing fish for being a bad influence on young people.

Some people at the ceremony didn�t care about the swearing. They were much more interested in Greg�s spectacular arrival. He really did seem to have a natural ability to cycle into trees. Someone was talking to George about it, and again he was very dismissive of this ability to locate trees, so it was suggested that they have a bet on Greg cycling into the Christmas tree again at the ceremony when the lights would be turned off. George accepted the bet. He thought there was little chance of Greg cycling into the tree a second time, and he could always stand in front of the tree to stop him.

Over the Christmas holidays, Emma and Greg were watching a kids� TV show in which they promised to make a dove. Emma was really looking forward to this, but it turned out to be just a piece of cardboard with a thumbtack. When people asked to see the dove she made, she pointed to one of the goldfish in the bowl. She accepted that it wasn�t really a dove, but everyone else agreed that it was much better than the piece of cardboard with a thumbtack that her brother had made. She told Greg that there was no point in trying to glue the goldfish together because one of them would just fly off with the other.

Normally only one person would turn up for the �ceremony� to turn off the Christmas lights, but many people around the town had money on Greg cycling into the tree, so a huge crowd turned out. They had to wait for Greg again. He was at his friend�s house, looking up into a tree. They liked the idea of gluing a fish to a bird, and watching it fly off. They had the fish in the fishpond, and they just needed the bird. As they looked into the tree and tried to figure out how to get one, Greg�s friend�s mother saw them and she was sure they were up to something. She was afraid that they�d try to climb the tree, so she told them that wasps disguise themselves as twigs and hide in trees during the winter. Greg and his friend both backed away from the tree.

When Greg remembered the ceremony he got on his bike and cycled as fast as he could. When he turned onto the street that led to the square, he didn�t like the sight ahead of him. The man who had made the bet with George saw a way to increase the likelihood of Greg cycling into a Christmas tree. He sent leaflets about a Christmas tree recycling service to every house on that street. He asked them to leave their old trees on the pavement outside their houses at a certain time on a certain day � funnily enough, at about the same time the ceremony was due to take place, on exactly the same day. The bet was that Greg would cycle into the Christmas tree, but they didn�t say which Christmas tree it was. He�d surely cycle into one of them. George was furious when he realised what was going on.

So Greg saw a pavement lined with bare Christmas trees ahead of him, and he had recently acquired an aversion to trees. His father was waiting for him at the other end of the street. Alan had put money on Greg cycling into the Christmas tree too, so there was no way he�d swear at his son hitting a tree this time.

But something seemed to be wrong with Greg. He was cycling very slowly, and staying well away from the Christmas trees. His father started swearing when Greg cycled past each tree. George was delighted. As Greg approached the square, George stood in front of the Christmas tree, just to make sure of his money. Greg saw him, but he was much more interested in a badge on George�s coat than the tree behind him. The badge was in support of his daughter�s single, which had narrowly missed out on the Christmas Number One. The badge showed a Christmas tree that looked very happy. Greg wasn�t sure what it was when he saw it first, but as he cycled closer he started to make out the very happy Christmas tree. He was delighted to see this after all the bleak trees he�d become accustomed to recently. He was almost transfixed by the badge, and he kept cycling towards George.

It was like a game of chicken. George got very nervous as Greg approached, and he dived out of the way when it looked as if Greg would keep going. Greg did keep going. Most of the decorations had been removed from the Christmas tree, and when George disappeared, Greg saw a very bleak looking tree that was probably full of wasps. He braked, but it was too late. He kept going into the tree and most of the crowd cheered, including Alan. Greg ran from the tree and left the bike behind. The papers on the following morning probably would have focussed on Alan�s repeated swearing for no apparent reason and then his cheer when his son hit a tree, but they were more concerned with another issue. George swore very loudly when Greg hit the tree, and this is what received the most attention in the press. A lot of people thought it was inappropriate for a man playing Santa to be using such language. The issue has been raised again recently when it came to deciding who would be Santa for this Christmas. There have been numerous objections to George taking on this role again, although Councillor Alan Hadder has refused to comment on the issue.
-Sir Puppy Shun.

The Mayor of Mizzenwood, Councillor Billy Pony, last night announced that work on the ring road is to be delayed to allow an archaeological survey of the field behind the house of Micro Cormorant, where the Mayor lost his keys last week. The house and gardens of Mr. Cormorant have recently been declared a heritage site, and funds are being made available for their restoration. Mayor Pony claimed that the survey of the field behind the garden was necessary, and that the delay in the road was fully justified. Mr. Cormorant lived in the house until his death in 1924, and he owned the fields immediately surrounding the property. In the latter part of the nineteenth century, he spent his days in his glasshouse, observing the insects and making notes. One day in 1898 he briefly glanced at the ants and he thought he saw them spell the words �bloody bureaucracy� in their formation. He looked again, but he couldn�t make out the words this time. He got the impression that the ants were trying to tell him something, so he stopped making notes. He�d just sit there talking to the insects all day instead.

On one December afternoon, he was talking about the smell of the freshly cut Christmas tree and the ants were starting to fall asleep. When he looked at them he imagined them all tucked up in bed on Christmas Eve, waiting for Santa to arrive, but Santa would never arrive for the ants. Mr. Cormorant believed that they could never send their list of presents to Santa because they'd find the whole concept of a list abhorrent, given their views on bureaucracy. So he bought them all tiny hats for Christmas, which they used to make a big pile of tiny hats, which some commentators have also interpreted as a comment on bureaucracy.

Ever since then, politicians have often claimed to be inspired by the views of Mr. Cormorant, or his ants� views. Those views on bureaucracy were very popular amongst the general public, and Mr. Cormorant has always been held in high esteem as a political commentator, even though he always considered himself to be a scientist. His wife considered him to be a man in a glasshouse.

Mayor Pony has often claimed to be continuing the work started by Micro Cormorant in his battle against bureaucracy. In an interview given late last night, he defended his decision to stop work on the road. �The road might be delayed for another few months, but the horses are ahead of schedule.�

The local business association are still discussing what exactly this means for them, but they say they�re confident it means something. The festival committee say they�re reassured by Mayor Pony�s comments regarding the horses. The Chairman said, �We can�t comment now, but we�ll be considering the issue at our next meeting and formulating in writing what this means� For us. What this means for us. Because we do think it means something.�

The director of the museum welcomed the Mayor�s announcement about the horses. He said this would inevitably lead to increased funding for the museum. The Mayor�s office refused to confirm or deny this. Mayor Pony expanded on his comments this morning when he said, �This isn�t one of those �drunken rant� type situations.�

The leader of the opposition in the Council, Councillor Derry D�Fawn, responded to the Mayor�s announcement of the delay in the road. �Typical. Typical, typical. Typical, typical. Typical, typical, typical��

Councillor D�Fawn also accused the Mayor of playing personality politics with his remark on the horses. This has been a common complaint from Councillor D�Fawn in recent years, ever since he lost an election for the European Parliament. At the time, one of the most famous people in the country was Contusa Bee, who claimed she could hear words when she stood in the mist. She had a long and tedious explanation for this, but what it all amounted to was that the mist liked her and it didn't like anyone else, so that's why it spoke only to her. The explanation would have been much shorter and less tedious if she hadn't repeated the point about the mist liking her so often. The words she heard were normally just the things she needed to get in the shop, and they were always things she already knew she needed. Some people pointed out that there wasn't anything special about hearing words in the mist if it just provided her with a shopping list, but to those people she pointed out that the mist liked her much more than them. At the height of her fame she started identifying people as being either fields or not fields. People always assumed that it had something to do with the mist, but no one ever asked her in case they got a long and tedious explanation. When she'd meet someone for the first time she�d say, �You, I think you're a field,� or, �You're not a field.� No one really knew what this meant. Sometimes people wanted to be regarded as a field, and sometimes not � it changed with fashion. When Councillor D�Fawn met Ms. Bee she identified him as a field, and this became a prominent part of his campaign in the European elections. He campaigned heavily on the basis that he was a field, completely oblivious to the fact that the fashion at the time was for not being a field. After the election he accepted that mistakes were made in his campaign, but he heavily criticised the nature of politics for focussing too much on personality. The charge of playing personality politics is one that he�s often levelled against Mayor Pony over the years. The Mayor once met Contusa Bee at a party just before a parliamentary election. The story of their encounter was heavily reported at the time. When the Mayor met her he looked up at the ceiling and said, �Look at the clouds.� And Ms. Bee said, �You� cloud?�

Mayor Pony was the only person she ever identified as a cloud, and most of the electorate agreed that it was better to be a cloud rather than a field, or not a field. Mayor Pony was elected, despite being well behind in the opinion polls prior to his meeting with Ms. Bee.

Councillor D�Fawn has failed in numerous Parliamentary elections. His most recent failure came despite being well ahead in the opinion polls. In the week before the election, he invited a journalist from this paper, Amber Orr, to interview him in his home, but the meeting proved to be highly controversial. Councillor D�Fawn took Amber outside to show her the back door to his house. He claimed that this door becomes invisible when his dog sits next to it. Councillor D�Fawn got his dog to sit next to the door to demonstrate this, but, as Amber pointed out, Councillor D�Fawn was just looking at the dog every time it sat next to the door. He couldn�t see the door because he was looking at the dog.

Amber wrote about this in her article for The Mizzenwood Times. Councillor D�Fawn was furious. He claimed that it was all just a joke. He said he knew all along that he was just looking at the dog. The Mizzenwood Times apologised for the incident, but Councillor D'Fawn claimed that the damage had already been done. When he lost the election, he blamed it on his unfair portrayal in the press. His complaints about the role of the press have become just as common as his accusations of personality politics in recent years. He�s been a strong critic of the delays in the construction of the road, mostly on the grounds of personality, but he has used it to attack the press too. However, all local politicians support the archaeological survey currently underway on the buildings on Brickey Dormant Street to determine if one of them used to be a brothel and to restore it.
-Amber Orr

The Mayor�s daughter, Trippy Pony, has been making headlines ever since her election to Parliament, and she�s back on the front pages again after a lull of a few months. Ms. Pony is now a Junior Minister in the Department of Education, and this latest controversy has sparked a debate about the behaviour of all elected officials, especially those in the higher offices. Ms. Pony�s habit of kicking people has been well known since her school days in Mizzenwood. She claims it�s a habit she inherited from her grandmother, Mrs. Giddy Hockey, who once took part in a stage hypnotism show in which she was hypnotised into thinking that she was a foot. All she could do to communicate was to kick people. It�s probably not all she could do, but it�s the only thing she chose to do at the time. The hypnotist gave her a key ring and hypnotised her into thinking that this key ring was the rest of her body. She was fine when she had the key ring � she believed she had her foot and the rest of her body too � but if anyone took the key ring from her she�d start kicking them, and sometimes she felt a need to kick people even when she still had the key ring.

Ms. Pony�s kicking provided a fresh perspective when she first arrived on the political scene, but recently, some critics have claimed that apart from the kicking, her contribution to political debate is nothing but the usual platitudes. The opposition say they�re getting tired of her empty rhetoric, unfulfilled promises and indiscriminate kicking. She insists that there�s nothing empty about her rhetoric, that it�s really the opposition who know all about emptiness, that all election promises will be fulfilled, and that she�s very conscientious when it comes to deciding who to kick. She�s been accused of mere electioneering in her kicking, but she insists that she never takes this responsibility lightly.

The most recent controversy arose from a meeting in which it�s alleged she used the words: �You�re shins are in for such a kicking.� Ms. Pony strenuously denies this claim. �I completely refute these unfounded allegations,� she said yesterday. �My remarks were taken completely out of context. It�s sad when politics has been reduced to these pathetic attempts to blacken the name of your opponent in the absence of intelligent and reasoned debate.� The strength of her feeling on this subject was plainly visible on the face of the opposition spokesman for Education after she kicked him on the knee.

Mayor Pony defended his daughter. �She�s just like her grandmother really. And I know. Over the years I�ve been kicked repeatedly by my mother-in-law. She was a woman of strong convictions and I always welcomed those opportunities to discuss the issues of the day with her. She opened my eyes to the effectiveness of a good kicking. It�s the opposition who are the �disgrace to politics� in this case. They�re incapable of telling the difference between the feeble platitudes they constantly produce and a good kicking.�
-Doggie Ella Jump.

Trippy Pony isn�t the only local girl who�s making a name for herself in Parliament. Daisy Gaze holds a special place in the hearts of the people of Mizzenwood for the way she overcame all obstacles thrown in the path of her career. Daisy has a speech impediment which means she can�t say the words �South by South-West� without sneezing. In fact, she can�t say the words at all because of the sneeze. She was twenty-four when she tried to say these words for the first time, so she never noticed this speech impediment until then. She was sweeping the kitchen floor one evening, and her mind was far away at the time, but then she swept a duck out of the way. She was as shocked as the duck. She had no idea where it came from. There was a nametag around its neck. The name on it was 'South by South-West', and when Daisy tried to read it out loud she sneezed.

It turned out that South by South-West was her niece's new pet duck. She gave him that name because he spent hours each day facing in that direction. Daisy's niece was very upset with her for hitting the duck with a brush and sneezing at it. And Daisy continued to sneeze at it every time she tried to say the name. She used every possible opportunity to say the words �South by South-West� in an attempt to overcome her impediment. She always tried to work those words into the conversation, but she always just sneezed. She�d blame it on hay fever. Her friends came to know her as someone who always had hay fever and always talked about the weather, fishing boats and her niece's pet duck.

After two years of sneezing, Daisy finally found a way of overcoming her speech impediment. She realised that if she just said the word �achoo� it would come out as �South by South-West�. She was delighted with this method, and she used it as often as possible. She loved talking to the duck after this, and the duck got on very well with her too. She became known as someone who overcame her hay fever, but who always talked about colds and hay fever, with inexplicable references to the wind direction and her niece's duck.

Her political career was progressing at the same time. She was elected to Parliament at the last election, and with her background in saying the words �South by South-West�, she was the natural choice to be the opposition spokesperson on marine issues. She's only been in the job for a few weeks, but she's already run into controversy. The story about her hitting the duck with a brush appeared in the press, and the Minister for Agriculture called for her resignation. It was pointed out that the Minister once punched a man in an argument over a slice of cake, but the Minister said that the issue here was Daisy's ill-treatment of a duck � an animal that she'd be responsible for if she ever became the Minister for the Marine. He said, "If I punched a cow, I'd resign straightaway." The opposition have claimed that it's actually the Minister for Agriculture himself who's responsible for ducks, and that he should resign for not being aware of this. The debate is still on-going, but people have forgiven Daisy for hitting her niece's duck with the brush because photos of Daisy with the duck have appeared in the press, and it was shown how well they get on now.

Last week she made her first speech in her new role. Opinion has been divided as to the meaning of the speech, but her Party leader said it was strongly critical of the government, and that her repeated references to �South by South-West� was a metaphor for the amount of hot air produced by the government. He added, �Hey yeah, that actually works, doesn�t it? Which way is South again?�

The government have claimed that her speech was about lighthouses, in which she suggested that the lights in lighthouses should be turned off at night to save electricity. The Minister for the Marine said, �Even we wouldn�t be stupid enough to do that.� Ms. Gaze has strongly denied this claim.
-Hyena Creamy.

The annual Elinor festival gets under way at the weekend, and this year numerous special events are planned to mark its 40^th anniversary. The festival started when Elinor Traindeer was just nineteen. She was widely regarded as the most beautiful woman in Mizzenwood back then, and most of the local men made advances towards her at some stage. On one night in July, after Elinor had a bit to drink, she started saying, �I�ll go with you to the festival,� to all the men who tried to talk to her. She had heard that line in a film.

The next day she remembered the looks on their faces after she said that. They all took it seriously. She didn�t want to disappoint them, so she found different festivals to go to with each one. It became a project for her, and she really enjoyed working on it. She got a map, and she marked out the paths to all the towns where the festivals were. She put the map on the notice board in her room, and everything was carefully planned. After the first festival, she recorded all of the details in her diary, and then she produced a newsletter with a report on the festival and details of her trip to the next festival. She gave the newsletter to a few friends of hers at first, but the whole town became interested in it before too long. Other people joined her on the trips to the festivals, which didn�t go down too well with the men who were supposed to be taking her, but she tried to spend as much time as possible with them.

By the fifth festival, over a hundred people were in the festival group. They�d meet in a pub in the town, and Elinor would hand out maps with the path to the festival marked out, and her newsletter with all the latest details. By the seventh festival, there were over two hundred people in the group, but only twenty of them actually made it to the festival. The others stayed in the pub. By the final festival of the summer, most of the town had joined in, but no one made it to the intended destination. A few people tried, but the furthest anyone got was to a pub at the other side of the street.

The Elinor festival became an annual event. She�d produce the maps and the newsletters every year, and everyone would meet in the town square where a beer tent had been set up. It became known as the Elinor festival in its third year, and it�s as popular as ever today. The maps and the newsletters are still produced, although Elinor no longer has any direct involvement in the running of the festival. She�s still happy for her name to be associated with it, and she�ll be officially opening the festival this Friday evening. The paths to sixteen different festivals have been marked out on this year�s maps.

To mark the 40^th anniversary, Councillor Sonny Thud has announced that he�s setting up an AA group, which will meet for the first time on Saturday morning. When I met Councillor Thud he spoke fondly of past festivals. �I can remember the very first Elinor festival. I was only six at the time, but people of all ages were involved in it. It brought everyone together, and it still does. Some of my warmest memories are from that festival. Very blurred memories, but warm. Even back in the early days, I don�t think anyone had the aim of moving further down the festival paths marked out on the maps. The aim was really not to be able to move at all, unless it was falling over. That�s what I love most about the festival � falling over and not caring at all. We�ve been getting better at that over the years.�

I asked him why he was setting up the AA group and he said, �Well I thought it would be an appropriate time, what with all the drinking going on. Especially on the Saturday morning after the opening of the festival. People will be worse for wear then. And it�s on in the morning too, so we�ve plenty time to go out and get hammered after it. I tell ya, we won�t be able to stand up on Sunday morning. We�ll drink the place dry.�

Councillor Thud made the announcement in a pub, holding a pint. He told a humorous anecdote about the time he drank twenty pints and drove to a police ball. I asked him if he was a heavy drinker himself and he said, �God no. I wouldn�t touch the stuff any more. It�s poison. Ruined my life, so it did. I lost my money and my wife to drink, but the wife came back. Thankfully. As she always says to me, the money isn�t going to come back no matter how often you get down on your knees. It was Alcoholics Anonymous that saved me, and it�s great to have this chance to help other people too. I haven�t had a drop of drink in ten years and I�ve never felt better. I�ll never touch the stuff again.�

I asked him why he made the announcement while holding a pint in a pub. He said, �Well, I was announcing this new initiative and a lot of the press and photographers were there. That photo of me with the pint appeared in a few national newspapers � that�s great for the area. And the Minister was there too. And, y� know, there are a lot of tourists around for the festival. I can�t wait for the festival myself. Sure we�ll show them all how to drink, no matter what country they come from. But do come to the AA meeting on Saturday morning, if you�re capable of walking at all, and if you�re not, you�re probably still in the pub, so have a pint ready for me at noon.�
-Speed Becky Morganing.