Alfred goes to see Mark and Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket. They�re still in the back garden, looking at the red cigarette lighter on the fence post. Alfred asks them what they�re up to and Mark says, �We�re trying to catch an elk. The cigarette lighter is the bait.�

�I never knew there were elk around here.�

�Neither did we until last night. But we saw one in the trees behind a house. He was with an elf.�

�An elf?�

�Well, really he was just smoking a cigarette.�

�Oh right. Hence the cigarette lighter.�

�Yeah. And really the elk was just Jason. We saw Jason smoking the cigarette in the trees and he was acting very suspiciously. He was spying on someone. Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket thinks he must have something to do with all these red things, so I left out the red cigarette lighter to see if he�d be interested in it.�

Alfred imagines the sight of an elk smoking a cigarette at night � the red spot on his face. That�s like the laser target of a shotgun on his head. Deer hunting could be brought into the film, like �The Deer Hunter�. Or Russian roulette. It might be difficult to get Cyril to play Russian roulette. Maybe if he just played roulette with a Russian, that could be slightly expanded into Russian roulette in the film. Or even just poker with an Eastern European immigrant.

�Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket came up with the idea of actually doing things,� Mark says. �Because we could have been waiting all day for Derek to arrive. And the butler didn�t do it. The butler didn�t do anything.�

�He didn�t?�

�Absolutely nothing. He just stood there all the time.�

�That�s a pity. It would have helped if the butler had done something. Was there anyone else there?�

�Lady Something-Hat. We told her about the peacocks.�

�What about the peacocks?�

�Nothing really. They didn�t really do anything either. They�re her peacocks, so she probably knew more about them than we did.�

�The peacocks are interesting, but it�s still not exactly the type of thing I was looking for� There wasn�t a car chase by any chance, was there?�

�No. Derek was supposed to be there too, but he didn�t show up at all. There�s still no sign of him.�

�When was the last time you saw him?�

�Ah� I can�t remember.�

�A missing person. I like it.�

When Joe, Steve and Emily get back into town, Alfred is waiting for them outside the pub. He says, �I want ye to do another little favour for me.�

�No way,� Steve says. �These little favours don�t turn out so favourable for Cyril.�

�You haven�t even heard what it is yet. I just want ye to take Cyril to dinner.�

�Forget it. Something will happen to him.�

�Of course something will happen to him. Things happen to us all the time. When you go into a restaurant, countless causes have an effect on you, but they�re all directed towards ensuring you have an excellent meal. It�s the free will of the staff in the restaurant that directs all of these events so they produce the maximum satisfaction in the customer.�

�Something bad will happen to him.�

�If ye take Cyril to a restaurant, he�ll have an enjoyable meal and a pleasant conversation. And then he�ll go home happy. I�ll pay for everything, which will make all of ye happier.�

�No,� Steve says, �it still sounds suspicious to me.�

�If ye do this little favour for me, I might be able to do a favour in return.�

�Like what?�

�I could get Mini Mouse to forgive you, Steve.�

�Are you saying she�s still angry with me?�

�Now there�s a woman who can bear a grudge. I mean a mouse who can bear a grudge.�

�But she�s already got me back. More than enough. What she did was completely out of proportion to what I said.�

�Yeah, you�re probably right. I�m sure it�s nothing to worry about� Although she was trying to find out where she could buy a crossbow earlier.�

�A crossbow!� We�ll do it. We�ll take Cyril to dinner.�

�I�ll book a table for the four of ye. Eat and drink as much as ye like and I�ll take care of the bill.�

�What about Mickey Mouse? Is he angry with me?�

�I can�t make any guarantees about Mickey, but I�ll definitely get Mini off your back.�

In the evening they�re filming a scene in the park � Cyril and Beatrice looking at the kids playing on the swings, and talking about starting a family themselves one day. The real Cyril arrives after he gets out of hospital. He looks nothing like the actor playing him in the film (if Cyril were the kitten, the actor would be the rust puppy), but he�s shocked by how much Amy looks like Beatrice. Alfred tells him that that�s why he cast her in the role.

The writers are there too. They�re working on all the new scenes for the film. They were able to get the monkey into the film, but when they read through the script again, they found that they�d also written in a meercat who kept scratching his head. This afternoon, Alfred told them to write in some peacocks, and they managed to get them into the film too, but every time they appear, the meercat comes from nowhere and starts fighting with them. They can�t find a way of cutting this, but even Alfred accepts that this adds something to the script. He doesn�t know who�ll play the meercat, but he has an idea of getting monks to play the peacocks.

He�s decided against getting Cyril to play Russian roulette or to go hunting � they just wouldn�t fit in with his character. Only cold-blooded professional hunters would use a laser target. They�d be the bad guys in the film. Cyril would try to stop them hunting the elk. He�d save an elk and keep it as a pet. But they can�t actually give him a pet elk. They could give him a dog or something � a dog that was about to be put down at the animal home.

During a break in the filming, Alfred is trying to convince Maeve to play Mini Mouse one more time, but she refuses. �I�ve never done anything more demeaning in my life,� she says. �A lot of my friends in the theatre think I�m demeaning myself by even appearing in films. If they knew I was dressing up as Mini Mouse, I�d never be able to act with them on the stage again. Playing Mini Mouse for kids would be bad enough, but I�m expected to pretend to be Mini for adults to prove that I�m heavier than someone�s brain. I�m expected to just stand there and take all their insults. They think they can say anything to Mini Mouse � she�s fair game. So what if I�ve been eating a lot of cheese lately. It�s one of the few things that cheers me up. Don�t even dare tell anyone that I�m twelve stone � you have no idea how heavy that suit is. On a hot day it feels twice as heavy.�

�I understand how difficult it is to do this. That�s why I asked you. No one else would have the integrity to be able to do it.�

�Integrity! Dressing up as Mini Mouse for morons � that�s a sign of integrity?�

�Of course it is. Those people who look down on everything outside the theatre, they think they have integrity, but it�s all fake. They just look down on the things all their actor friends look down on. Real integrity is about doing the things you want to do, no matter what your peers think of it.�

�And you think dressing up as Mini Mouse is something I want to do?�

�I think you want to be a successful actress. We all have to do little things that we don�t really want to do if we want to be successful. The people who don�t make it are the people who refuse to do these things because of �integrity�, but they�re really just afraid of what people would think. Successful people are able to rise above those things.�

�That sounds like bullshit to me.�

�Let�s ask the opinion of someone who�s really successful.� Alfred calls Cyril over and says, �Cyril, I�d like you to meet Maeve. Now Maeve is a very talented actress. She�s heading for great things, but on the path to greatness she has to do things that some of her peers might look down on her for doing. I�ve been trying to explain to her that she needs to rise above that. She won�t lose her integrity just because some people look down on her.�

�That�s absolutely right,� Cyril says. Alfred leaves them. �You�ve got to do what you feel is right, and not worry about what other people think.�

�Yeah, but this thing I�m supposed to do, I don�t feel it�s right.�

�Then don�t do it if you really feel that, but you�ve got to ask yourself why you feel that way. Is this thing really wrong?�

�No, I wouldn�t say it�s �wrong�, but I think it�s demeaning.�

�Is it demeaning because other people would look down on it, or is it something you�d look down on yourself?

�Probably because other people would look down on it.�

�Alfred is right � you�ve got to ignore what other people think. Forget about the opinions of others and ask yourself is this thing really worth doing. Will it really put a dent in your integrity? And if it will, it still might be worth doing if it�ll lead to greater things. You might look back on this in a few years time and realise that the people who look down on you are far beneath your feet now, and that they only looked down on you because they knew they could never rise to your heights.�

�That sounds good� I suppose this thing isn�t really all that important. There�s nothing wrong with it really. Thanks for your help.�

�Any time.�

Mark is in the park with his older sister and Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket. They�re with the rust puppy. The breeder of the rust puppies thought it might be nice to have puppies the same colour as the red roses in her garden, so she got some puppies to stare at the roses for half an hour every day, and they did turn a rose-colour over time, but the roses started to make a faint howling sound in the wind. This made the puppies sad. They weren�t as interested in staring at metal. The red-rose rust puppies would just lie down and look sad most of the time. The other puppies would get sad whenever they saw the red-rose rust puppies, and the rust puppy in the park looks very sad now too. He�s lying in the grass near a rose bed, with the flowers moving in a gentle breeze.

Mark and Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket are staring at the puppy when Alfred comes over to them. He says, �So what do ye think of this scene?�

�It�s so sad,� Mark says.

�Sad?�

�So sad.�

�But this is a happy scene. Cyril and Beatrice walking through the park on a summer evening, so much in love.�

�Why so sad?� Mark says, as he and Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket continue to stare at the puppy.

�Does Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket feel the same?�

�Oh yeah. So sad.�

�Hm� I never really noticed that before. But maybe you�re right. Maybe there is something sad beneath the surface� Is that what Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket thinks � that we should bring out the sadness beneath the surface?�

�Ah, yeah.�

�He could be on to something there� Any progress with the red things?�

�Yeah, the cigarette lighter went missing. The elk must have taken the bait.�

Cyril talks to Amy during the break too. She feels guilty about pretending to be Beatrice. He was falling in love with Beatrice, and he still seems to be missing her. He talks a lot about her, and it�s a little bit uncomfortable for Amy, but she manages to steer the conversation away from Beatrice every now and then. They go for a coffee at the end of the day�s filming.

Alfred goes through the latest Mini Mouse scene with Maeve, and she leaves to change into the costume. Alfred goes to meet someone to talk about the soundtrack. He wants to get a local man to do it � Snag Bagpipel. Snag lives on the same street as Joe and Emily. He made an album of himself sitting on a wicker chair in front of his house, and it just went platinum. There was a controversial single called �Get off my fucking lawn�. It was an obvious single, because most of the rest of the album was just the sound of him sitting. It was either �Get off my fucking lawn� or �You call yourself a fucking gardener?�

Alfred goes to the street where Snag lives, but he forgets the number and goes to the wrong house. He rings the doorbell, and there�s no answer so he goes around the back. This is the house of Matt, the man who uses his pets to compose his Saturday afternoons. This particular Saturday afternoon is still going on because Meatloaf Leitmotif drank something he shouldn�t have drank and he keeps falling asleep. He normally keeps falling asleep anyway, especially in the sun, but it�s very difficult to wake him up to day, so the afternoon has gone on for a few hours longer than it should have.

Alfred walks into the garden near the end of the performance and he really likes it. Matt explains the story of this afternoon, the moment of tension he�s engineered, with Ticking Kitty Timebomb sitting quietly at the edge of the scene, and Kitty Kill playing with a ball of wool in the centre, and Meatloaf Leitmotif asleep outside the back door. They have to wait until the dog wakes up before they can go on.

Alfred is very impressed. He says, �Would you be interested in doing soundtrack work?�

�For a film?�

�Yeah, a major Hollywood production.�

�Hollywood? No chance.�

�It�ll be worth your while financially.�

�Certainly not. I�d never do something as commercial as that, and I don�t care how much you�re offering, I�ll never sell out.�

�Fair enough. I was really looking for Snag Bagpipel anyway. Do you know where he lives?�

�You�re not going to get him to do it, are you?�

�If you won�t do it, he�d be the next on the list.�

Matt thinks about it for a few seconds and says, �I�ll do it.� He hates Snag. Meatloaf Lietmotif has been making much more frequent appearances in the Saturday afternoons ever since Snag moved in � the dog normally represents the arrival of an undesirable neighbour. Snag spends most of his days sitting in front of his house, drinking. And then in the evenings all of his friends come around. They play loud music and drink and start their motorbikes in the middle of the night. Matt has always looked down on Snag�s �music� as being too commercial. Matt looks down on the very idea of releasing singles, but he�s prepared to sell out to Hollywood rather than see Snag get the job. It�s not definite yet, though. Alfred says, �I want to make sure that Meatloaf Leitmotif and all of your other pets will get along with the peacocks, the meercat, the rust puppies, the elk, Little Kitty Fake Tan and the bees. No, I don�t think we have any bees. Yet. I�m starting to lose track. I don�t want a repeat of Snow White with the bees, and it could get even worse if all of these animals don�t get on. If I can get the monks to play the peacocks, then they might be able to keep the peace.�

Alfred leaves because he has another job to do now, but he says he�ll talk to Matt soon.

Joe, Steve and Emily are in the beer garden behind the pub when Mini arrives with Alfred. They stand up, and Alfred says, �Steve, is there anything you�d like to say to Mini?�

Steve looks down at the ground, scratches the back of his head and says, �Yeah, ah, I�m� I�m really sorry for saying all those things about your� about your weight.�

�Mini really appreciates that apology. She has something for you.�

Mini hands Steve an envelope. He takes out a card � it�s a �sorry for hitting your head off the ground� card.

�Thanks very much, Mini,� Steve says. �That�s really nice of you.�

They shake hands, and Alfred says, �Joe, I think you and Mini have something in common.�

�Really?�

�Ye both have an interest in hedgehogs.�

Joe isn�t a hundred percent sure that he has an interest in hedgehogs. He says, �Oh.�

�In fact, Mini has a hedgehog with her right now. Don�t ya, Mini?�

Mini just stares at him.

�Yeah, I�m sure I saw one in your handbag earlier. Let me find it for you.� Alfred looks through her handbag and takes out a key ring. �Here he is. I�m not sure what his name is. I think it�s� Fluffy. Mini takes him everywhere.�

He hands Fluffy to Joe.

�Now there�s a fine looking hedgehog,� Joe says. Fluffy looks more like a real hedgehog than the key rings Joe is used to because Fluffy has a few keys attached to him. But Joe�s attention isn�t focussed on Fluffy for long. He points at something and says, �A bee!�

He throws the keys at the bee, but he misses. The keys disappear over the wall at the back of the beer garden. The smile on the face beneath the Mini Mouse costume looks a lot like the smile on the face on the outside, but there�s something sinister about Maeve�s smile. She leaves to retrieve the keys.

�I have some great memories of hedgehogs myself,� Alfred says. �My sister was in a band once, and they used to play to the hedgehogs in our garage. They had a song called �Stare in Silence�. It used to make the hedgehogs so depressed they wouldn�t move. They didn�t move much anyway, but they didn�t move at all after hearing the song. Although my sister and her friends were using strawberries as hedgehogs.�

�Strawberries?�

�Yeah, strawberries cut in half. Little red hedgehogs � that�s what they used to call them. The little hairs on the strawberries were like the spikes on the hedgehogs. My sister wrote a song called �Little Red Hedgehog Hood�, but they hardly ever performed it because they had trouble even saying those words. It told the story of a little red hedgehog who went on a trip in a small car, and he made friends with a deer. When he came home he wrote all about his trip in his diary. But when the little red hedgehogs heard the song it made them depressed because it reminded them of the passage of time. To cheer them up they put them into a bowl with cream, and they looked much happier there. And then they added in a few blueberries because they thought it would broaden the hedgehogs� minds to meet people of different nationalities. Over time, they came to consider the bowl of strawberries, cream and blueberries as hedgehogs, because it was much closer in size to a real hedgehog than just a strawberry, but they still had their little red hedgehogs too.�

Joe says, �I don�t like the idea of those hedgehogs flying � the big ones. The little red hedgehogs would be alright. I wouldn�t mind being hit by one of those.�

�A rabbit wouldn�t mind either,� Steve says. �And maybe they wouldn�t mind being hit by a bowl of strawberries, cream and blueberries too. There�s another thing I saw in that book where they use strawberries and cream, and they both lie on the kitchen table and� Never mind.�

�I�ve booked ye a table in the restaurant for tomorrow evening,� Alfred says. �Cyril will be at the filming tomorrow, so ye can ask him then.�

When Joe gets home that night, Mark is waiting for him. He wants his uncle to walk him home through the shortcut to see if the elk is out again tonight. It�s part of Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket�s new policy of actually doing things.

As they walk along the path, they see the red glow of the cigarette again. The elk�s head is clearly visible in the moonlight. Joe says to Mark, �Let�s go over and talk to him. I know Jason.�

They walk through the trees, and Jason doesn�t notice them until Joe says, �Jason, how are things?�

He turns around suddenly � there must be a look of surprise on the face beneath the elk head, but the elk looks very calm. When he sees Joe and Mark he says, �Ssh. Be quiet.�

�What are you up to?� Joe says.

�I�m just� observing someone. I�m trying not to be noticed, so keep it down.�

�Why the elk�s head if you don�t want to be noticed?�

�I thought it�d be like camouflage. I blend in with nature.�

�Jason, everyone knows you own that elk head.�

�Yeah, but I thought if they saw me in the trees they might think I was just an elk.�

�You might get away with that if you didn�t smoke.�

�I can�t help it. They won�t let me smoke in the pub now. I can�t go a whole evening without a cigarette.�

�That cigarette would make a nice target for hunters. They didn�t think of that when they introduced the smoking ban.�

�They didn�t think at all, the bastards.�

�So who are you observing?�

�My girlfriend.�

�Oh.�

�Don�t say �oh� like that. She isn�t up to anything.�

�So why are you observing her?�

�To see� She�s not doing anything she shouldn�t be doing.�

�If she�s not doing anything she shouldn�t be doing, why are you spying on her?�

�To see what she�s up to.�

�You have tried asking her what she�s up to, haven�t you?�

�Of course I�ve tried asking her, but she gets very vague on the subject.� A light comes on upstairs in the house. Jason puts out his cigarette and says, �Follow me.�

Jason slowly moves across the lawn, with Joe, Mark and Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket following close behind. They go to the orchard, and crouch down amongst the trees. The house was built in the nineteenth century. It�s three storeys high, and a few extensions have been added onto it over the years. From the orchard they can see light through an open door at the side of the house. They hear voices, and then two women appear from the front of the house and go in through the door. Then it�s back to the silence and darkness of the night when the door is closed.

�My girlfriend was the one on the left,� Jason says. �Lately she�s often been going to this house in the evenings. She doesn�t say much about it when I ask her, and sometimes I get the impression that she just doesn�t care.�

Mark looks around him, and he sees an apple in the grass. It�s a red apple, but when he looks up into the tree above it, there�s just enough moonlight to be able to see that all of the apples in it are green.