On Friday evening, Joe goes to the pub for the scene in which the monkey will hit Cyril over the head with the weighing scales. Emily walks there with him. Mark and his sister go too, and Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket. They all want to meet the monkey.

They talk to Alfred in the beer garden, and he goes through the scene with them before Cyril arrives. Alfred is delighted to meet Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket. When he sees Mark staring at a piece of red plastic on the ground, he asks him why he�s so interested in it, and Mark tells him about the things they�ve been finding in unusual places over the past few days. �Everything we�ve found has been red. Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket thinks it must be something to do with the fact that they�re all red. He thinks it�s a mystery.�

�That sounds really interesting,� Alfred says. �I�ve been trying to get a mystery story into this film. Let me know if ye make any progress with the red things. I better go and collect Cyril now.�

Mark and his sister have to leave too � they�re going to the cinema with their aunt. Joe, Steve and Emily stay in the beer garden behind the pub. Emily has her kitten with her and Steve has the monkey. One of the technicians from the film crew gave them a fake plastic weighing scales because they don�t want to seriously injure Cyril, but Joe is sorry he didn�t bring a real one because he came up with the idea of weighing Little Kitty Fake Tan to see if it�s heavier than his brain. It looks very light, and you�d expect a mouse to be lighter than a kitten, so Joe is confident he can prove his brain is heavier than Mini Mouse just by weighing Little Kitty Fake Tan. He�d never have the nerve to do it himself � he still feels a bit uncomfortable around the kitten.

Cyril comes into the beer garden with Marcy, and a few minutes later, Alfred arrives with the drinks. They sit at a table near Joe, Steve and Emily, and they talk about poetry. Alfred is trying to remember the name of a poet. �It�s John something or other� John� I know his surname sounds like John.�

�I�ve never read much poetry,� Cyril says. �Not since I was in school.�

�Neither have I, but I remember reading this particular poet in school. It begins with a D and sounds like John.�

�John Don?� Cyril says.

The monkey had been staring at the kitten, but when he hears those words he picks up the fake weighing scales and throws it at Cyril. It hits him on the back of the head. He just says, �What the�� and puts his hand on his head. Alfred pushes him off his chair to make it look more dramatic.

This is when Emily sees her chance. She puts the kitten on the table and runs over the Cyril as he lies on the ground. She starts giving him artificial respiration, even though he clearly doesn�t need it. He eventually manages to push her away and shout, �I�m fine!�

There�s complete silence after this. It�s only broken by the sound of the kitten meowing. Everyone looks at Little Kitty Fake Tan as it sits on the table, all alone. Alfred couldn�t have wished for anything better than this. He tells Cyril to stay on the ground until the ambulance arrives, and Cyril says, �Ambulance? For God�s sake, don�t call an ambulance. I�m fine.�

Alfred tries to hold him down. �No, Cyril, you�ve got to be really careful with head injuries. You really should go to the hospital.�

�It�s nothing. It�s just a little cut on the back of my head.�

Blood! Even better. �Cyril, you�re bleeding. We�ve got to get you to a hospital right away!�

�I�m not going to the bloody hospital. I�m fine!�

He struggles to his feet, and Alfred realises that it�s even better if he doesn�t go to the hospital. He�s too busy to go. He has some important work to do and he�s prepared to risk his own health to help others. But later on that night he collapses and he remains in a coma for a week.

One of the barmaids takes Cyril inside to put some disinfectant on the cut. Alfred congratulates Joe, Steve, Emily, the monkey and the kitten. �Ye were brilliant. This is going to be one of the most memorable scenes in the whole film.�

�Who�ll be playing us?� Joe says.

�I don�t know yet, but they�ll be big names. Everyone is queuing up to get into this film. When they hear there�s a �monkey throwing a weighing scales at someone�s head� scene, they�ll give their right arms to be in it.�

�I was thinking,� Emily says. �Is there any chance I could play myself?�

�I�m afraid not. You�re the heroine of that scene � I can�t just give it to an amateur.�

�But I heard that Penelope Shootout and her friend were going to play themselves in the film.�

�Yeah, but all they have to do is talk about Colin Farrell. And I�ve already realised to my cost that you couldn�t find another two people on the planet who are better qualified to talk about Colin Farrell.�

�But I�m not exactly an amateur. I come from an acting family. Amy is my sister.�

�Amy!�

�That�s right.�

�This is perfect!�

�It is, isn�t it.�

�We can get Amy to play you!�

�No!�

�Amy playing her own sister � that�s just the type of gimmick we need. And she�ll be playing Beatrice as well. I�m sure we�re making some sort of a statement there. The woman who saved Cyril�s life is actually �Beatrice�. It�s their love that saves them, even though she�s at the other side of the world. This gets better all the time.�

Alfred knows who�ll play the monkey too. He once did a film in which he got a dwarf to play an elf, but it was too expensive. At first he thought about getting a dwarf to play the monkey, but he was worried about going over the budget, and he remembered a woman who told him that she knows someone who owns an elf. So he�ll get the elf to play the monkey.

Even Little Kitty Fake Tan won�t get to play itself. There�s a woman in Mizzenwood who breeds dogs and some of the puppies are rust puppies. The rust puppies are much more valuable than the normal puppies. They become transfixed by metal things. They stare at gates or metal fences for hours, but these gates or fences never rust. The puppies themselves gradually turn a rust colour as they get older. People love the colour of the rust puppies, and they�re also very handy for protecting gates and fences. Alfred has been looking for an opportunity to get a rust puppy into the film, and the kitten is the perfect role. The rust puppy will look like a kitten who�s been working out, and has a much better tan.

When Cyril returns after having the cut on his head disinfected, Steve insists on buying him a pint to make up for what the monkey did, so they go back inside. They all go into the pub. Alfred sits at a table with Marcy to talk about this latest scene. At the bar, Steve explains to Cyril why the monkey reacts like that when he hears the name of that poet with the surname that sounds like his first name, and obviously Cyril asks why he had the monkey in the pub with a weighing scales. So Joe and Steve tell him about the problems they�re having with the Mini Mouse and Tom Thumb questions.

�I think the mistake we made was to just guess the answer to the Tom Thumb question,� Joe says. �Why should we assume he has free will, and that he�d go for the dagger? The only reason we made those assumptions was so we could move onto the Mini Mouse question. We�ll have to find out more about Tom Thumb before we can answer that first question.�

Cyril says, �You don�t need to know Tom Thumb to be able to say whether or not he has free will. In theory, Tom Thumb is no different to anyone else. There�s no reason why some people should have free will and others don�t. If one of us has free will, everyone does, including Tom Thumb. But I believe that none of us have free will.�

�Really? Why not?�

�All of our actions are determined by the circumstances we find ourselves in and our past experiences. The monkey threw the weighing scales at my head when he heard me say those words because of his past experiences of listening to the poetry of� of Mr. D.�

�But he�s just a monkey,� Steve says. �With someone like Joe, you could compare him to a monkey and say that he doesn�t have free will if the monkey doesn�t have free will, but what about normal people?�

�It�s no different for the rest of us. And I wouldn�t compare Joe to a monkey at all. Look at the reasons why you brought the monkey to the pub. You needed to answer that question about Mini Mouse�s weight, so you brought a weighing scales and a monkey. You were governed by the circumstances you found yourself in. It was that need to answer the question that made you bring those things. I have no idea what it was that made you think of getting a monkey to impersonate Mini Mouse.�

Steve tells Cyril about how some people mistake the red glow of a cigarette for an elf, and how he was reminded of this when he saw the people smoking the cigarettes in the beer garden as the light faded.

�That�s what started all this,� Cyril says. �You wouldn�t have brought a monkey and a weighing scales to a pub if you hadn�t seen those people smoking. And the monkey wouldn�t have thrown the weighing scales at my head. All of these little things combine to determine our actions. There was some set of circumstances that made those people stand in the beer garden and smoke too.�

�It�s the bloody smoking ban,� Joe says. �That was supposedly introduced to protect our health, but because of it a monkey threw a weighing scales at your head.�

�The smoking ban wasn�t the only cause,� Cyril says. �A lot of different causes came together to make those people go to the pub in the first place, and those causes came from other causes. You�ll find a cause for everything if you keep going back in time.�

�But what about the first cause?� Emily says. �What actually set these causes in motion?�

�Maybe there was no start. If you trace the causes backwards, they might go on for infinity. You could trace everything in the universe back to the big bang.�

�Oh yeah,� Steve says, �my brother says he was at one of those once.�

�But then you could also ask what caused the Big Bang. You�d be getting into religion and cosmology there. But it doesn�t really matter. It makes no difference to how we live our lives whether or not we have that type of free will. We�re all civilised people living in a small Irish town, so we tend to do things that civilised people do when they live in a small Irish town. Although occasionally we might find ourselves in a set of circumstances where we have to bring a monkey and a weighing scales to a pub. We do things in accordance with our personality or the way we want to be perceived. Things like personality and the way we want to be perceived are determined by our genes, by everything that happened to us in the past, and the circumstances we find ourselves in. If you assume that people do have free will, how are they going to act any differently? They�re not going to do things that are against their personality or the way they want to be perceived.�

�What about that man who used to paint cats?� Joe says. �And he loved cats.�

�Something went wrong in his brain that made him paint the cats, but the drugs have fixed that problem. He didn�t have any choice in it. People often do things that seem out of character, but it�s often just because they want to do something different, and that�s part of their character � they�re people who have done the same thing for years and now they decide that they want to do something different. But again, it�s the circumstances that lead them to make that decision. They�re stuck in boring lives doing the same thing day in day out. It�s this that creates the desire to do something different.�

�Are you saying we have no choice in what we do?� Emily says.

�That�s about the size of it, yeah. But that doesn�t mean we can�t enjoy the ride. We have no idea what�s going to happen next. We have to act in a certain way, but we don�t know what we�ll do in the future because we don�t know what circumstances will come along. And why would you want free will anyway? An action that�s completely independent of circumstances or experience would be completely pointless because it�d have no bearing on your life. Look at Tom Thumb � his choice of the pencil or the dagger is determined entirely by his past experiences. Let�s say the pencil means a lot to him and the dagger means absolutely nothing. Past experiences would determine that he�d go for the pencil, but let�s say he went for the dagger as an exercise of free will � what good would that do him? It�d be completely meaningless.�

�So Tom Thumb definitely doesn�t have free will?� Joe says.

�Obviously a lot of people would disagree with me here, but I think he doesn�t.�

�That singer thinks he has free will,� Steve says as he points to the man tuning his guitar in the corner of the pub. Steve goes over to him and asks him why he said that Tom Thumb has free will in his song, and he says, �I don�t know really. I suppose I was just looking for something that rhymes with cash till.�

�So you don�t know if Tom Thumb has free will?�

�To be honest, I don�t really know who Tom Thumb is.�

Steve goes back to the bar. Cyril says, �The whole free will question isn�t really important. If you want to find out if Tom Thumb would go for the pencil or the dagger, you need to find out something about his past experiences.�

�What about Free Willy?� Joe says. �If he doesn�t have free will, no one does.�

�I�ve never seen that film, but I think I can safely say that Free Willy doesn�t have free will.�

�Actually,� Emily says, �I think he�s dead. I�m sure they took him to Iceland or somewhere � the whale who played Free Willy. And he died.�

There�s silence for a few seconds until Joe says, �So there wasn�t really much point in giving him free will.�

The death of Free Willy is a fairly depressing thought for Joe, Steve and Emily, especially coming right after finding out that they don�t have free will. And to make things worse, the singer in the corner of the pub starts playing his guitar and singing.

Cyril stands up and says, �Well, I better be off. Thanks for the pint. Let me know if ye ever find out about Tom Thumb�s life. Call in to see me anytime.� And then he adds jokingly, �Or even if ye find out the weight of Mini Mouse � I�d love to know that. Goodnight.�

Even Little Kitty Fake Tan looks depressed as it sits on the bar. The monkey just stares blankly into space. Emily has never been so depressed. She feels as if she�s destined to be in her sister�s shadow for the rest of her life. She�s a victim of circumstance. If only she�d touched that plug in their kitchen before her sister. And she came so close so many times. One evening her fingers came within centimetres of the plug, but she pulled her hand away. If only she�d reached a few centimetres more she�d be a Hollywood star now.

It�s Joe who breaks the silence. He says, �When I was young, my father hated explaining things to myself, my brother and my sisters. Probably because it was difficult to explain things to us. When we asked him questions, he always tried to keep his answers as short as possible. He told us that Halloween is something that flies by overhead, like the airplanes at night. He used that to explain Major Tom and hedgehogs too. We desperately wanted to get a pet hedgehog after listening to David Bowie and seeing the airplane lights in the night sky. We were always asking him for the hedgehog. In the end he got a key ring and he used to throw it across the garden. We were delighted with that. But then he started taking a much greater interest in explaining things to us after my sister told all the neighbours that Da keeps a hedgehog in his pocket. He got us a real hedgehog, but that was a huge disappointment. It would just sit there and do absolutely nothing. And it only moved when we left it alone. We all missed the days when we thought the key ring was a hedgehog. The key ring seemed so much freer. Hedgehogs must have less free will than anything � real hedgehogs do anyway. It was depressing to see the real hedgehogs. We all might as well be hedgehogs if we don�t have free will. We all might as well be like Free Willy. Dead� Ever since that time, I�ve always liked to think of hedgehogs as key rings. When you look at a hedgehog flying through the sky, they�re as free as a bird, as John Lennon sang. But now he�s as free as Free Willy. I wish that bees were a little bit less free. I�ve often set the hedgehogs on them.�

�You set the hedgehogs on bees?� Emily says. �Does that mean you throw key rings at them?�

�I throw key rings at them, yeah.�

�Isn�t that a bit cruel on the hedgehogs,� Steve says, �throwing them through the air like that?�

�No, they�re fine. Although, over the years I�ve lost a lot of key rings in the fields around our house.�

�I wouldn�t like to be hit by a flying hedgehog. Being hit with a weighing scales by a monkey is bad enough, but I have a feeling that a hedgehog would stick if it hit you� Those fields around your house � they�re full of rabbits. What if a hedgehog landed on a rabbit? Now there�s a sexual position I wouldn�t care to see illustrated � �the hedgehog embedded in rabbit�s back�.�

�What the fuck are you talking about?�

�Sorry, it was just a book I saw.�

A few minutes ago, Emily couldn�t imagine how this world could seem any more desolate, but Joe and Steve are illustrating what her imagination couldn�t see. She stands up and says to Joe, �Would you look after Little Kitty Fake Tan while I go to the ladies?�

Joe looks at the kitten sitting on the bar, and the kitten stares back at him. Joe tells himself to stay calm. He gets locked into a staring match with the kitten. It�s almost like a shootout � Joe is waiting for the slightest movement from the kitten, and he gets the impression that Little Kitty Fake Tan is looking out for the slightest twitch from him. They�re both completely still as they sit and stare at each other.

As Emily is walking through the exit that leads to the toilets, she sees a really old light switch on the wall. It looks dangerous. She stops and stares at it, and then her hand moves towards it, almost involuntarily. As her fingers approach the switch she tells herself to keep going. �Don�t back out this time,� she thinks. �Don�t make that mistake again.�

Her hand is shaking as she makes it through those final few centimetres and touches the light switch, and she does get a slight shock from it. She screams and jumps back. Joe nearly falls off his chair. Alfred comes over to see what happened.

�Sorry,� Emily says. �I just got a slight shock from the light switch. But I think I�m okay.�

Alfred doesn�t insist on calling an ambulance now. He says, �That�s brilliant! Another medical drama.� He can see Cyril coming out of his coma. He opens his eyes and sees Beatrice by his bedside. He makes a complete recovery after being hit on the head with a weighing scales. Beatrice has to go back to Australia, but she promises she�ll be home again in a few weeks. Everything is looking up, but on the day he gets out of hospital he�s electrocuted and he returns to his coma.

He says to them, �Didn�t I hear Cyril invite ye around to his house?�

�He did,� Steve says.

�Well I think tomorrow afternoon would be a good time to take him up on his offer.�

Steve, Joe and Emily aren�t too keen on visiting Cyril. He seems like a nice man, but they can think of more enjoyable ways to spend a Saturday afternoon, rather than thinking of dead whales who weren�t free even when they were alive, and monkeys who are forced by circumstance to hit people over the head with weighing scales. Steve says, �He said to call around to his place only if we found out about Tom Thumb�s past or if we found out the weight of Mini Mouse.�

�I can answer both of those questions for ye. I�ll even introduce ye to Mini Mouse and Tom Thumb.�

�Do you know Mini Mouse and Tom Thumb?�

�Everyone knows everyone in Hollywood. If I introduce ye to them, will ye go to see Cyril?�

�Definitely,� Joe says.

�Be here at lunchtime tomorrow and I�ll introduce ye. There�s one other thing, Joe. How did Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket get his name?�

�I don�t know. I suppose the Blanket part comes from the fact that he�s a blanket.�

Joe and Steve are really excited at the prospect of meeting Mini Mouse and Tom Thumb. Emily doesn�t care as much, but she�s still excited after the electric shock she got from the light switch. Surely that�s the start of something. Amy didn�t even get electrocuted when she touched the plug in the kitchen.

Mark and Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket are in the back garden when Joe gets home. They're looking for more red things. Joe walks Mark home through the fields at the back of the houses. It�s a shortcut that they often take, and there�s a well-worn path in the long grass. Mark tells him all about Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket�s latest theories on the red things, but he stops suddenly when he sees the red glow of a cigarette in the trees behind a house. It looks like an elk smoking the cigarette.

�See that?� Joe says. �That�s an elf � that�s what the red glow is.�

�That�s an elf?�

�Yep. You see a lot more elves around ever since the smoking ban.�

�Wow� What about the elk behind the elf?�

�That�s not really an elk. It�s just Jason.�

�Who�s Jason?�

Joe tells his nephew about a jeweller in the town who once advertised his business with photos of an elk wearing a watch. The elk was sitting at a table, drinking tea, and you could clearly see the watch as it held the tea cup to its mouth. It was a very successful ad until people found out that the elk�s name was Jason. It somehow diminished the stature of the elk and the jeweller�s business, but the prestige of people called Jason increased.

The jeweller had an elk�s head over the fireplace in his house. People started laughing at it and calling it Jason, so he sold it. A man called Jason bought it. He used to wear it a lot, and he�d get invited to all of the fashionable parties and events wearing his elk�s head. He often met the jeweller at those events, and it really annoyed the jeweller.

So that�s Jason standing in the trees, smoking a cigarette. Mark asks his uncle why Jason would be there, and Joe says, �I don�t know. It looks as if he�s spying on someone or something.�

They watch as Jason puts the cigarette out and slowly moves through the trees and onto a lawn behind a house. He crouches as he slowly makes his way across the grass.

Joe and Mark walk on to Mark�s house. Joe stays for a cup of tea with Mark�s parents. They sit in the kitchen while Mark and Mr. Hollywood-Story Blanket are in the back garden, looking at a piece of plastic. From the light of the kitchen window they can see that it�s red.

Mark is too excited to sleep that night, after seeing the elk and the elf. Joe and Steve can�t sleep because they can�t stop thinking about their meeting with Tom Thumb and Mini Mouse tomorrow afternoon, and Emily can't sleep because she's still excited after her electric shock, but Cyril sleeps soundly. He�s completely forgotten about Mini Mouse and Tom Thumb, and the monkey who hates John Donne. But he only gets two hours sleep. An ambulance arrives at his house in the middle of the night, and the paramedics break down his front door. They lift him onto a stretcher and strap him down, and they put an oxygen mask over his face to keep him quiet.

On the following morning, the headline on the front page of The Mizzenwood Times is: �Cyril Smith-Igloo found unconscious in his home�.