This is what i was writing in my diary on the bus home - Some Big Questions, and maybe, hopefully, some answers.
I call myself a lesbian because men, in general, do no interest me - not in and of themselves. I feel no physical attraction to men as I do very strongly for women. As a generalisation, I feel only the power I glean from my attractiveness *to* males - something to play upon, sometimes toy with... for me to be interested in a person who is male, he needs to be firstly not as easily manipulated as most men, but still hold an interest in me (or sometimes 'feign' disinterest, or even not feign it? i'm not sure, i confuse myself) An affinity of minds is certainly beneficial..
In the end, i just want to be myself - even though at times, i'm not entirely sure what that is. I'm sure of some things, some parts of me.. I know that above all, I am a sensual creature, and I enjoy pleasure - I'm a hedonist. I get annoyed by people, I hate crowds, but I also depend on people, and not just for the obvious things, but for physical closeness, for the things I enjoy.. yet they also make things complicated, when to myself, they are easy and straightforward.. Having to explain things to others, or at least knowing that others will not see things how I'm seeing them unless I explain this to them...
So anyway. What triggered me thinking about all this again is that Patch has become my lover, and it's very damn amazing, and wonderful sex... but it wasn't (once again) what I'd anticipated happening anytime soon, if at all (not Patch, just me having sex with a guy again..)
I'm thinking that rather than being '101% Gay', perhaps I'm only ' 98% Gay', or something... I'm just worried about what people will think, how they will perceive me - as fickle, perhaps? not take seriously what I decide, or feel? how seriously may I take myself after this?
And it's made me think, once more, about how I relate to the two sexes, and how this fits into how I'm feeling, and how I view myself.. hmm - need to think about that some more before I can write further.. As I said earlier - with men, I relate to the power I have over them.. there seems no attraction to the body itself, and no satisfaction other than the somewhat impersonal one of feeling that power, that manipulative energy I hold in my body... that is something fun and pleasing to play with, something i can use to make myself feel sexy, feel wanted and desired.. a feeling i cannot get from women, because they do not respond the same way, they are not as obviously lustful and desiring.. they aren't as forward sexually.. damn - if they were, being a lesbian would be a lot easier for me! but they're not... and i do enjoy that sense of power, of being a thoroughly sexy female, feeling that desire for me.. but at the same time, that puts me off, makes me lose interest, serious interest - i cannot care for someone whom i am only toying with.. women, on the other hand... women confuse me, they arouse me, they fascinate me, they make me feel tender and protective, and at the same time make me want to be seductive and 'femme'... on the whole, I'm rather unsure about how to relate to women, because there seems to be no guideline - "how to be a successful lesbian.." i don't get along that well with women anyway, tho i'm better now than I used to be, largely because I am such an untypical woman... and then having to somehow relate to a woman in a romantic way, even tho that is what I want, still confuses me, puts me on edge - there is no 'rolemodels' to look up to, nothing on tv or in books or movies etc, as there are a gazillion heterosexual relationship models, really... so I guess there's nothing for it but to learn to be a lesbian - which seems to silly, that I should need to put such effort into 'being' what I am... but oh well.. that's what it seems to come down to..
there's also how Rupert feels about all this, I do feel that I should consider his feelings, we are still close, despite not being 'together'.. but also, as he said, it is my life, and I'm free to do what I want to do, and to be myself... and that I will do, and go out to have fun and enjoy the wonderful pleasures that are to be gained from life...