It�s quiet in the office once more. A good thing too, or I really would have had to sneak around to make it to Watari�s office. Yes, he does have an office in the main building aside from his lab�he needs someplace to store things that absolutely can�t be destroyed for any reason before he hands them in. After his little �visit� earlier I had to fix my glasses, only to have one of the screws fall to the carpet�and of course, without my glasses, I can�t see the tiny screw in the grey carpet�
I�d gone to Tsuzuki�s office first, he will usually welcome any distraction from work, even though I must say he somehow gets all the reports and findings in on time, so he does do what�s needed. The door was slightly ajar, and I heard the little shouting session he and Hisoka engaged in�and for once, things seemed to be moving along in the right direction. I�d heard them yelling far too often for all the wrong reasons, this was a welcome change. I made myself be happy for them, even though it broke a small, forgotten place in my heart where I still loved the violet eyed man.
But now, I loved Hisoka too. Not nearly in the same way, but affection was definitely there. I will be happy for them. Besides, this whole�friends with benefits�thing with Watari� I don�t think I�m his friend anymore� but if that�s where he wants it to stay, that�s where it will stay. I�ve given up my personal feelings for others before, I can do it again. Maybe it won�t hurt as much when his amber eyes fill with the same thing I see in Tsuzuki and Hisoka� maybe I can grow accustomed to this position, of watching lives, erm, deaths, twirl around me like petals from freshly bloomed sakura, brushing my skin but never letting that touch last for more than a moment� crushed again and again as more important issues and beings tread upon their fragile petals.
Great, Tatsumi, now you�re thinking pure metaphoric bull shit. You have work to do�
I take three steps in the direction of Watari�s office space and trip over something that squawks. I wish I could see who I just stomped on.
�Ack�off�� Crap. They�re still under me� I can tell by the voice it�s Younger Gushoshin.
�Sorry, are you alright?� I hold out a hand as soon as I get up.
�Fine�I�m over here.� I blush and turn to the moving blob in my field of vision.
�Sorry��
�I�ll just put these on your desk�� He flutters off, leaving me disoriented and having to trail my hand along the wall to find the person I�m looking for�I hear Tsuzuki�s door close and the heavier footsteps tell me he�s carrying a protesting Hisoka somewhere else.
I don�t want to know.
I just want my glasses fixed.
--
�Put me down, Tsuzuki�� I hiss, completely embarrassed and knowing my face is doing a wonderful impression of a tomato.
�Nope!� He chirps. CHIRPS!
�NOW!� Now�before I think that something is going to come of this�or someone. Cherry red now.
�I meant what I said and I�m going to prove it too you�maybe even get you to say it back.�
�What?! Just how do you intend to do that!?� I�m not stupid�but does he have to be so blatant? I�m not exactly comfortable with this idea, after all.
�I love you Hisoka�do you love me?� The question with a million answers. All of which boil down to an inescapable yes, but are still so very difficult to say, even now that they�ve been admitted.
�I�� My mouth gapes, I try�but I don�t know�doubts still assail my mind. It�s not like I have experience with this emotion, or even know that it�s mine, what with it pouring off of him in waves.
�Hisoka?� He stops walking, still holding me. I like being held. I enjoy it when he touches me. I like him�I need him. Is it love?
�I�I don�t know.� I feel him wilt, physically and emotionally.
�Alright.� He starts to put me down, but I cling to him.
�I don�t know if it�s love�but I�m willing to try.� I whisper, smiling softly despite the tears I can feel starting to form in the corners of my eyes. Such strong feelings�they�re suffocating�I�m going to die if I don�t get more. The prospect is enticing, and utterly horrifying�what if I mess up? What if my memories�what�what if�
�Alright.� His eyes meet mine and I�m drowning in violet that transmits his heart to me. That takes my indecision from me, and spurs me to return the passion he so freely gives. The decision is made�there was no decision. Now. It happens now.
He makes his way towards my place, being a good two houses closer than his own and in the opposite direction. I didn�t bother locking the door, so it�s a simple matter for him to reach out with one hand and open it, supporting me with the other. He carries me across the thresh hold, up to my room, and sets me gently on my feet so he can pull out the futon I�ve put away, not bothering to put blankets or pillows on, just nearby.
He smiles then, and I feel my insides twist. I feel sick.
�Hisoka? You okay?� He asks, laying the tube from Watari within reaching distance of the futon.
�Aa�fine.� I manage. I am scared, I�m not going to lie and say I�m not. But that fear is overridden by anticipation. He moves closer, and kisses me. I find myself kissing him in return, sucking on his tongue to draw it inside, let him taste me while I taste him. He tastes exactly as I remember, sweet and strong, and feels so very good. I could do this forever. He pulls the same trick he did the last time we were alone in my room, but goes further with it, completely removing my tie and shirt and undoing the buckle of my belt before sliding it off. I know how he did it now, I saw every movement, and return the favour.
His chest is so much bigger than mine�solid beneath my hands as I let them move of their own violation to touch, caress, bring one soft cherry flavoured nub to a hard point. His scent fills my nostrils, his heat melts the ice I�ve surrounded myself with, his emotions send me higher than any drug ever could. In turn, his mouth tastes every bit of me that he can, licking and kissing my neck, face, shoulders, head. His hands search for and find, and with a flip and a zip my slacks pool around my ankles.
So far so good. I�m not feeling embarrassed or frightened at all�this feels so different from the last time someone did this to me that it�s like they�re not connected at all�Tsuzuki is nothing like Muraki�not at all. I have to remember that. Tsuzuki is not Muraki, he�s not going to hurt me. He�s going to make me feel good.
At least, I hope. I know that feeling now as my own.
He leads me in a dance who�s music only we can hear to the edge of the futon, then lowers me to it�s soft embrace with such tenderness I know I�m smiling again. He smiles back, and bends his head to trace a wet trail from my throat to my navel, dipping inside in a parody of what�s to come before moving on. I feel him shift.
�Spread your legs for me, �Soka�and raise your hips.� I flush, excited more than embarrassed by his words. Muraki never did this�never kissed me, never touched me but for the occasional brush as he took what he wanted, never gave me anything, never�never asked. I refuse to think about it, and focus back on Tsuzuki. Back on the feelings he gives me as I do as he asks.
I�m grateful for every sweet he�s ever tasted as his tongue brushes against the side of my arousal. It�s as coordinated as any set of hands could ever be, and warm and wet at the same time, as no set of hands could ever be. I can feel his enjoyment rolling from him in waves with the force of a tsunami and leaving me gasping for air as he kisses my inner thighs. He draws the blood from my face to another head with a light scrape of his teeth, making me cry his name.
�Aishiteru Soka.� He lets the cool air move over freshly moistened flesh and I gasp. So good. His feelings are so much in my mind, pushing everything else from my consciousness. It�s then, as he takes me inside and starts to suck, that my epiphany occurs. I feel me. Myself. It�s enlightening, and I can�t help but shed tears of joy. I know my answer to his question�I love him. I do. And he loves me too. At this peak that he has brought me too, my senses expand, and I see our auras blending, pulsing and shining so brightly I have to close my eyes. We are one heart, one mind, one soul, and soon to be one body.
I don�t want him, or need him. He is me, I am him, we�ll never be apart.
�Tsu�zuki�� I gasp, and white fills my vision even though my eyes are closed so tightly I see sparks without the added sensation of orgasm. I arch off the futon as he takes all I have to offer him, then quests for more of the salty flavour by kissing away my tears, one by one.
��Soka. I lo�� I lift a weak and trembling finger to his lips, silencing him.
�Show me Tsuzuki. Don�t tell me. Show me.� I�ve seen his eyes all sorts of shades, but this colour�so deep, it�s a bottomless pit, I can�t tell of blue or violet. Beautiful. I throw myself into that hole, maybe I can fill it, draw away that loneliness, that need�I can. I know I can.
�Hisoka�you don�t have�� I glare as best I can and pinch his lips closed. He looks funny like that, and I laugh. His eyes are wondering now�do I really have so much control over him? The power rush makes me giddy, and I sit up to wrap my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. He does want this�badly, I can feel the evidence through his now rumpled and stained slacks. Those have to go. Now.
��Soka�� He moans as my hands prove nimble and astute, tossing the most offending article of clothing I have ever come across to the far side of my room. Out of sight, out of mind�I�m out of my mind. Tsuzuki�s not wearing underwear�and he�s huge. Huge type huge. Gape worthy. I do, and swallow convulsively.
Putting my hand on his thigh I note our differences. When he�s aroused�nearly painfully it looks like�not so little Tsuzuki�s the size of my forearm. This is going to hurt� at least the first couple times. The thought that we�ll be able to have practise at this strikes my already off balanced funny bone and I start to laugh. It�s not an exactly sane sound, and he looks more than a little frightened. Not good. I�m sobered, and panting from the recent exertion. Laughing is a lot like crying in that respect, if you don�t do either on a regular basis it messes with your breathing patterns and makes your chest hurt.
Either that, or the fact that I may have just scared Tsuzuki off permanently. Forever is a long time, and I couldn�t bear it if he wasn�t at my side. Till death do us part�and you can�t kill something that�s already dead, at least, not easily. Please�don�t let my quirks have pushed him away from me.
�I�I�m sorry. Tsuzuki�I�� I can�t even look at him. What�s wrong with me?! This was all going so nicely�near perfect�and then I have to go and fuck it up. My body�my scars are pulsing. It hurts�I�oh damn it all to the deepest levels of hell! They burn�I can�t feel Tsuzuki anymore�all I feel is this pain.
�Pretty doll�my little puppet�� His words echo�but I can tell from Tsuzuki�s expression that I am the only one who hears them.
�Hisoka are you okay? Look, we can stop right now and I�ll go get Watari so he can help you, alright? Hisoka?!� His voice provides a focus. Focus is good.
�No�talk. Talk to Tsuzuki�� I sound strangled, but he does as asked.
��Soka-chan. Um� It�s okay. Calm down. I love you Hisoka, we can wait��
�Say it again�� My breathing is coming easier�as though the tension that ran through me is seeping out like so much water.
�I love you?� Those words�they are a salve to my pains. I can feel him again.
�Yes!� This sensation, this emotion. It�s still there�Tsuzuki still loves me! It�s all I need.
�Aishiteru Hisoka.� He�s taken my exultant cry as a signal for more, and the last of my walls comes crashing down.
�Aishiteru Tsuzuki.� For a moment he just stares at me, then I�m swept up in his arms, the skin to skin contact melding us together. I revel in it. He�s kissing me, everywhere, anywhere, messily. It tickles. I grab his hand, pick up the lube, and place it in his open palm.
�Show me Tsuzuki�show me what love is like.� I mean every word. I trust him to give me what I so desperately need to have, to give�what he so desperately needs to take. He�s smiling so wide I think his face is going to break. Like a kid in a candy�.like he�s found the biggest candy store and it�s all free.
He doesn�t speak as he rests me once more on the futon, his mouth is too busy trying to find any spots he may have missed on the first go. His mouth is not the only thing that quests for uncharted territory either�and a single slick finger works it�s way inside. I can feel pressure, pushing it�s way inside of me, probing for something, and it feels so very, very good. That clever finger has a friend�and I find I need to bite the back of my hand to keep from crying out. The window�s still open from this morning, and I don�t want any passer-by to think I�m being murdered.
And then I don�t care, as those two absolutely wonderful digits press into this place, inside of me, that makes me scream in pleasure. Tsuzuki�loves me so much�to show this to me�oh�oh� oh my goodness. I never knew�
He�s pulling away, leaving me. Don�t leave me�
�Tsuzukiiiiiiiii!� I wail. �Don�t go��
�I�m here�right here �Soka.� And then I�m being stretched again. He�s back, he�s there. He�s not going to leave me alone. A fire builds between my thighs but I don�t want to leave him behind again.
�In me�now.� I feel his hesitation, see myself through his eyes as I react so badly to my first glance of his unadorned beauty. Not now. He can�t back out now. Not when I need his so�
His fingers have gone lax inside of me, no longer touching that place, no longer driving me out of my mind with carnal gratification, letting me have control once more. I want him. I need him inside me right now. I pull myself up and off, pushing him on to his back and straddling his waist. Before he can protest, my hand slips around to grasp and steady him, my thumb smearing his desire over top of his cock, and I place him at the edge of heaven.
�I love you, Tsuzuki.� I say, and push back. It stretches my muscles, that tight ring, to the point where they burn. Feel the burn. He can�t help but buck at the sensation I force upon him, and that motion drives him further into me than I could manage on my own. My legs are too weak in the face of a gauntlet of sensations.
His heat buried within me, deeper with each rotation of his hips.
His love for me engulfing my mind.
My body surrounding his, contracting and adjusting.
Our auras no longer mingling, but one.
One body, one mind, one heart, one soul.
So good.
�Tsu�tsu�ah�ah, Tsu�oooohhhh.� I�m making these sounds, they rumble up from my gut and tear free in gasps and pants. I begin to rock back onto him, impaling myself. I don�t care if I never walk again, if I can do this, here, now.
�So�soka�ahhh�� I can feel his hips grind into mine, plundering everything I have, all freely given over to him as he touches me over and over, deeper and deeper, hitting that spot again and again.
It�s too much. My head is thrown back, my spine arched taunt as one of Hijiri�s bow strings, and I let go.
Tsuzuki will catch me, even as he melts my heart, the ice core that I�ve maintained, with burning white hot essence.
He sears my soul with his, and I slump against his chest, spent, complete, sated.
Loved.
