What. The. Hell? I wake up, warm, with the sun on my face and the scent of Tsuzuki full in my mind. I have never, never slept through an entire night in living - or dying - memory. When I was a young child, I woke out of childish fears. Boogey men and the like, or that one where you�re falling. I hit adolescence, and my illness was painful, so I would wake up with that pain. Then, the nightmares became real. Needless to say, I really didn�t sleep well after that, when I bothered sleeping at all. Then I fell asleep permanently, and still found no peace.
So why is the sun up along with me instead of waiting for my silent greeting to rise above the horizon?
I�m confused. That seems to be happening quite a bit lately. But my confusion doesn�t keep me from enjoying the sensation, not in the least. At least, not until I shift my head and my cheek catches on something. I open my eyes and find myself drowning in warm violet that heats my very core. Tsuzuki. His chest is my pillow. I don�t want to deal with that, now or ever. I feel a flush spread to my face and curse my colouring which turns to cursing my dead body stuck at sixteen for all eternity. I know as a fact that there is no way this childish form could produce the same reaction in the body beneath me as it produces in me.
Damn it all to hell, but I can�t stop staring. He�s beautiful�and last night comes to me in horrifying clarity. I want to scream. How could I have been so stupid? I know he loves me but still, for me to kiss him out of the blue like that�I must have been more tired than I realized.
Wait a minute�Tsuzuki loves me? Reality check time. I probe him and he laughs, letting me in. He loves me so much it hurts�a physical pain�I feel warm and wet tracking down my face, and warm and dry shifting to brush it from where it has touched me.
��Soka�� My name is a whisper floating on the pregnant silence that follows. I manage to tear myself from him, stumbling as my unsteady feet touch the floor. He sits there, waiting for me to do something, anything. He�s as confused as I am, if not more so. I need to think.
�Get out.� I say, staring out the window towards the garden. I need to think.
��Soka?� He questions, moving for the first time, his legs a mass of pins and needles I�m certain since I�ve been lying on them all night. All night. A full night, asleep, in Tsuzuki�s arms. I need to think.
�Get out, Tsuzuki.� So venomous. He still hasn�t raised his shields, and I feel a headache coming on.
�Alright. See you at��
�I said get out!� The shout echoes in my house, I feel rather than see him start, and then the soft footsteps move away, the door closes. Each sound is a stab to my brain, but strangely, the ache in my head is insignificant compared to that in my heart.
I can�t think. The wall is rough against my hands as I feel my knees buckle and I slump to my knees. The wall is cool against my burning head, the carpet soft against my legs, and the emotions around me go to leave me alone with myself.
I love him so much it hurts�the physical pain crushes my lungs, and leaves me unable to sob.
But I want to. Kami-sama do I want to�
--
It�s far too quiet. It�s disturbing. Tsuzuki came in early, nearly shocking the socks off of me�well, he would have, had they not just been burnt by something that should not be capable of producing flame, but these afterlife chemicals�off track, Tsuzuki came in early and went right to work, not even stopping in the crew room to have a donut or six or taking a sip of the elix�err�coffee. It seems as though science will have to wait it�s turn, psychology is currently being called to stage.
Or not. Bon just wandered in, and looks like the walking dead, no pun intended. His hair�s mussed up, his shirt buttoned wrong as he missed the top one, his tie loose, and his shoe laces are missing.
Wait, they�re leather. No laces. Silly me. The door closes, and I see more emotion on the kid�s face than I�ve ever seen. Tsuzuki left, and he flinched. 003�s still nowhere to be found, but I have since discovered more pressing issues. The doctor is in, what seems to be the problem?
�Bon?� I ask. He looks at me, his eyes are�wow. I think I may be needing to experiment on someone else for a while. They�re all�shimmering and...
Oh shit.
�Why don�t you come with me?� I hear myself say even as I drag him out of the office towards my still smoking lab so that Tatsumi and the donut guy don�t see the ice cube melt in a puddle of tears right there in the break room. I�m too late, but they can at least pretend later.
Ushering Bon into the exam room doesn�t take much, nor does he struggle when our skin touches. It�s creeping me out. Whatever happened on the last mission must have been a real kicker. I�m ashamed to admit that I understand Muraki a bit better now that I�ve seen tears in the emerald eyes of Hisoka�the boy is, simply put, exquisitely beautiful. I feel like a pedophile, and I don�t care. My personal reactions and feelings are not pertinent in this situation, so I mustn�t let them become a distraction.
�Care to talk about it?� I sit down in one of the chairs not too badly burnt and ask my question, already knowing the answer.
None. Hisoka-kun�s not very talkative when he�s feeling sociable, let alone when something�s bothering him to the extent that he�d show his emotions in a semi if not completely public place. He�s also very stubborn, not even admitting to himself that he is capable of feeling even when it�s so obvious that he does, and deeply at that.
I�m just as stubborn as he is, and I have more experience at it, so I know that eventually he�ll crack. All I have to do is wait for it, then jam my fingers into the wound and pull out the problem.
Simple, ne?
Not really. Not unless you �ve got a couple hours spare time. Which I do, seeing as all notes and experiments I had going are now splattered all over a kilometre wide radius. Which is why he nearly made me spew my real coffee all over him and the remains of what was once a wall as he replied almost immediately to my query.
�I don�t know what to do, Watari-san.� His lips form the words, but I still have trouble hearing them. Since when do I rate a �san� from him? When no other words come out, I take my trusty crowbar, ram it down his throat, and pry for all I�m worth. Well, not really. I just try and keep the conversation going.
�About what Bon?�
�Tsuzuki.� He says the name I�ve been expecting.
�How did he mess up this time? Did he jeopardize the mission?� I ask. I�m certain that one of these days, one of those two will obliterate the other. What I�m not certain of is if it will be intentional or not. Hisoka�s hair flies as he shakes his head, and now he�s blushing? Has the human world come to an end?
�No! No, nothing like that��
�Then what?� Now, I�m confused. What could upset Bon so much as to make him talk?
�I slept with him.� I couldn�t have heard that right.
�Um, excuse me?� Please tell me that I did not hear sweet, beautiful, innocent but not Bon say that he had sex with Tsuzuki! When did this happen? When did they start dating? This is not good for my heart!
�I�slept, with Tsuzuki and�it was nice. I�I mean I never�� I am not hearing this. I am not hearing this. I am NOT hearing this! I swallow my scream and speak.
�It�s okay, �Soka-chan. I�m sure he didn�t mind that you weren�t a virgin. It�s good to know that you�ve moved on and let go of what Muraki did to�� I�m getting a funny look now.
�What the hell are you talking about Watari?� The edge in his tone is back. Good to know. I think I just made an idiot out of myself.
�You said you had sex with Tsuzuki!� The exclamation pops out. If I hadn�t before, I now qualified in the major explosions for stupid reasons award category at the annual new year�s party, and this time they wouldn�t be referring to my lab. Hisoka�s eyebrow goes up.
�I slept with him. We fell asleep together. Resting. Sleep. Not sex.�
�So what�s the problem then?� I almost wail. Almost.
�I enjoyed it. I have never slept better.�
�And�?� I prompt. He�s quiet for too long, and is blushing again. I think I need hazard pay, this is hard on my entire circulatory system, having multiple, repeat heart attacks like this.
�Bon, I can�t help if I don�t know what�s wrong.� Still no response but for a deepening of the blush of doom. I snort and reach for his shirt, that misplaced button is driving me mad. He lets me fix it, heart attack number eight, and it�s still up to me to break the silence.
�Look, Hisoka. Just�tell me about it. I�ll keep it confidential, just between you and me, you know that. I may mess up sometimes, but you know that I can be trusted with things like��
�I want more.� He admits, and if it weren�t for the fact my heart still hasn�t started up from the last one, it would be heart attack number nine�I can taste my breakfast. But enough about me, Bon needs help of the type that I can give. I smile at him, stand up and reach for one of the intact drawers.
�You know, I may have just the thing��
