I've been studying for my North-South Korean Relations Exam that will be given to me tomorrow morning. There's so much talk about the current situation between the two Koreas. Future prospects, international concern, economic aspects, the South Korean President's great achievement for winning the Nobel Prize, etc. It's all over the news, broadcasted on the radio 24-7, heard on the streets... everything's being said and heard. The only thing that's being ignored and buried is what we, the citizens of both South and North Korea truly want and believe... Politics... What have I gotten myself into?
December 13, 2000
I want to talk about something that is very important, whether we admit to it or not doesn't really matter... Money. My parents were never rich, in fact, my father didn't even have the financial assistance to attend kindergarten and had to live in the lesser developed area of the city even after graduating from Seoul National University. But they worked hard to achieve what they have now and not even once did they make me or Hazel feel a little less than rich or priveleged... basically, they gave me the world on a silver platter, excuse the cliche. And this has, unfortunately for awhile, made me overlook the true value of a penny, a cent, a nickel, etc. Even up until last year, I didn't understand the importance of saving up, the purpose of scholarships and why my mother would buy me clothes I wanted but would never buy any of her own. While my mother gave me my allowance, I found it so irritating to hear her say the words, "Don't spend too much, try to save..." I would let those words flow in one ear and flow out the other. But I understand her words, now that I earn my own money... I understand how hard it is to even earn a dollar and how hard it is to use the money you've worked so hard for. And after paying for my own tuition, I understood why and how some of the students would study endlessly for that one scholarship, why some of the students would eat at the school cafeteria and not at the italian restaurant right across the street from our campus. I remember this quarrel I had with my parents. I told them, without any hesitation, that I didn't need their financial assistance and that I didn't want to hear them use their recycled lecture on the importance of saving. I tend to do that... I tend to speak before actually understanding the words and then I regret but won't say anything because of my stubborn personality. Why the sudden spark of enlightenment on the value of money? Troy had to fly back suddenly due to a very personal and urgent matter and being the speak-before-thinking person that I am, I payed for his ticket... not because I'm nice and not because I'm giving. So I'm on a very tight budget this month... and basically, I feel completely at guilt for the words I've said to my parents. Today, one of my close friends insisted on paying for a movie because I treated her the day before and because she knew I was 'broke as joke.' We needed a break from the killer exam we took three hours before (eleven essay questions in two hours) so it sounded like a wonderful idea. So we go in to pay for it but I guess she forgot that she was paying for me and that I was broke so she asked me if I payed for mine already. I know her intentions weren't to make me feel embarassed and that it was an innocent question, but I felt completely humiliated and didn't want to watch it anymore. Why do I do this to myself... It's funny how Troy once told me that my pride would inevitably kill me later in the future. The boy has a point... and so did my parents...
10:45 pm
Tracey made a CD for me and I received it today. She's in Bangkok right now and I couldn't stop smiling while I was talking to her... We use to do the silliest things; we once jumped off into a lake infront of our school, snuck out to go clubbing together so many times and use to sing crazy songs to intimidate certain people, ahem... hahahahahaha... miss you so much it hurts, woman
December 14, 2000
I have communication problems with my mother, I learned that this afternoon. Our modes of thinking are so completely different that our words never seem to flow but always bump into each other. We misunderstand each other's intentions and feel hurt by our judgement. But it's amazing how, despite this problem, we still love each other so much.Sure, it could just be maternal love... it could just be filial piety... but it's more than that. It's so much more that it makes me feel so good. But we did have an argument today and I'm mad at her and I won't talk to her until she talks to me first...
December 15, 2000
I am exhausted to the bone. I could not keep my eyes open during the whole afternoon and it was absolutely agonizing walking up and down that horrid hill on our campus (the one infront of the international building). But, one more exam to go and my freshman year will be over; it's about time!
After the Information Technology exam this morning (I rocked it and just by saying that, I've jinxed it too) I went over to Angie and Sue's place, took a fifteen minute power nap and helped Angie look all pretty for tonight; I didn't do anything, just sat there and laughed at Sue trying to curl Angie's hair. Angie thought she looked like a Jewish rabbi after Sue got done which I thought was absolutely hilarious. I thought it was funnier when Paco jumped on Angie's face and burped in her face. So many funny incidents today, we don't get a lot of good laughs like that these days... I think it's because of the depressing weather; I can see how Scandinavian countries carry the highest suicide rates. Now I am at home, debating whether or not to go to Steve's birthday party with Joanne, Julie and Angeline but I still have three hours to think about it so I'm just going taking a long break right now. We might go dancing but, excuse the repetition, I am unbelievably exhausted. I've gotten a total of three hours of sleep this week and my whole body is sore from playing tennis with my little neighbors.
On another note, look at what a friend of mine sent me via email... I didn't think it was funny or nice when he wrote on the bottom, "Gizmo... I'm going to kill you, Gizmo." Real cute... call me when you grow up ET
December 16, 2000
What a lovely day... I went shopping with my mother at the Duty Free and convinced her to buy something for herself =). And then we had lunch together and the funniest thing happened. I thought it was funny and my opinions are important to me so I'm just going to write about it despite any opposition. We were eating and the kind waiter asked us if we wanted some "moooostaaard." It took me every ounce of energy to stop myself from giggling but I failed and busted out laughing. Hahahahaha... I hope he doesn't think I was disrespecting him in any way.
I feel giddy now knowing that my mother will be with Hazel in less than twenty-fours and they'll be coming back together just in time for Christmas. The plane leaves tomorrow at eight thirty in the morning so I have to drive my mother to the airport, come back home, and go to church for orchestra. I also have to start studying for my Korean History exam that will be taking place on Tuesday. It's such a wonderful feeling to know what's ahead of you, to have some sort of unsaid but direct plan in the back of your mind to guide you for the time being. There's a lot to do, I have to accomplish a lot of things but I'm in no hurry... because I'm only nineteen and I don't need to rush...
December 17, 2000
So my mother left this morning... and before she left, instead of telling her I love her, instead of giving her a hug, we got into another argument... It hurts so much that I can't stop crying...