"You know how it feels when you're leaning back on a chair, and you lean too far back, and you almost fall over backwards, but then you catch yourself at the last second? I feel like that all the time..."
- Stephen Wright
Hazel just gave me the quote above exactly two minutes ago. I fell in love with its simplicity, its realism and its absolute truth. I miss Hazel so much that it almost hurts and what's even more painful is the fact that before she left, I thought that I would fall apart , that a piece of me was going to gradually fade and wither away... but I'm fine, the world is still spinning and everything is moving along, following its inevitable and natural course. And to me, it's not fair... it doesn't make sense... and it's cruel.
Hazel,
I am so sorry for raising my voice at you through the phone. I understand your fear for the future, I really do. It just angered me so much that you didn't understand how I would never ever make a decision that would bring you even a little bit of sadness. It makes me so mad that you're repeating some of the mistakes I've made; how am I suppose to react to that, Haz? Please don't be sad and please don't question some of the alternative choices I suggest to you. You are my star and I want to see you shine foreva and eva and eva and eva... So be the strong person that you are..."Nothing but two greedy, sniaz bitches," right? Hahahahahaha... Ool-ji-mal-go him-nae, aras?
On another note, Jammie, I question your judgement? Which judgement? The guy standing behind the mittens and hat stand was not 'soooooooooooooooooo cute.' hahaha... thanks for coffee and a relaxing and reflecting day at MyongDong. Your energy is such a blessing to be around.
I guess today's journal entry is in letter format. Then why don't I indulge myself and continue with one more person... The J-girls, Jaimme (mentioned above) and Joanne are the coolest 21, 22 year olds on the face of this earth.. hahaha
Joanne Unni, there is so much I want to say to you because I know for a fact that the returning smile you give me alone, will make so much of the pain melt away, disappear and turn my fears into hope.
December 6, 2000
"And I shall drive my chariot down your streets and city,
'Hey it's me, I'm dynamite and I don't know why.'
And you shall take me strongly in your arms again and I will
not remember that I even felt the pain.
We shall walk and talk in gardens all misty wet with rain
and I will never grow so old again."
- Van Morrison
To those whom I love and who are hurting... " Under a tempermental sun on the dark hillside of your sorrows... If there is a pain in your heart... Let it go... Just reach inside and let it go..."
December 8, 2000
I have so much alcohol in me... ugh =( Last drinking weekend before finals and with this thought in mind, we drank a huge pitcher of sweet plum flavoured soju and shared 4000cc of cold beer... Now I have to focus on doing really well on my finals so I can celebrate and drink like crazy again...
December 9, 2000
Troy and I drove down to Go-cham, a three-hour drive down south from Seoul. It's a pleasant little city-town that has a great view of the ocean. The people were friendly and despite the cold and icy air, the sun was out enabling us to walk around without freezing... so we just walked around and talked about everything and anything that exists in this universe of ours (what we know of it). We sat out by the beach; it was so nice to get away from the city and breathe in the salty yet clear scent of this sweet little place. Time passes by quickly when you're having fun and time just seems to have stopped when you're in a complete state of boredom... this actually, is Einstein's theory of relativity... We talked about how things use to be so different when we were younger... I told him how I thought I grew up too quickly... that nowadays, children are acting like teenagers and teenagers are forced to take on the roles of adaults since our leaders and respected figures so often behave like little children... it's becoming more difficult to figure out what it means to grow up in this day of age that's so hopelessly mistaken about the line that its young must cross to become 'adults.' ...
To add some comic relief in today's somewhat serious journal entry... I asked Troy if I really looked like Wednesday from the Addam's Family... His answer: "Well, I can see how some people might think you kinda look like Christina Ricci... but she has boobs and a butt...." ...
December 10, 20000
I'm still not use to the capricious weather. Throughout the whole day, I suffered from horrid headaches, unending sneeze attacks, and allergies. We still don't know what exactly it is that I'm allergic to, but whatever it is, I'm going to find it and make sure I'll never be around it again. I'm covered with red spots and I look and feel like this one Dr. Seuss character. If I'm not mistaken, its name was Obsk... yes, I'm correct, Obsk... hahahahaha... I use to love reading Dr. Seuss books and I can't wait until I get to watch the Grinch again this Christimas. Hazel and I, for the sake of Christmas tradition, always watch the video on Christmas Eve... I also love the Lorax... he's so cute and cranky... and I feel cranky right now since my nose is stuffed and I'm having trouble breathing properly. It's unbeleivably nerve racking to not be able to taste your food; the only thing that tastes normal to me right now is water...
Well, the picture under today's entry is what I look and feel like right now... feast your eyes and enjoy =).
Wow... so many nice emails from people who have accidentally stumbled upon this pathetic homepage of mine. Yes, I have to agree with all of you; Dr. Seuss is the shit! And good luck to those of you who will be taking their final exams; I, for one, understand the suffering and pain you're going through. I have my first exam tomorrow at three thirty in the afternoon; East Asian Ideology. Despite the fact that the probability of me passing this horrid exam is slim to none, I am relaxed and feeling quite calm. What exactly is ideology anyhow? According to the Collins Pocket English Dictionary, 'ideology' is a body of ideas and beliefs of a group, nation, etc. And I know where East Asia is, so all is well and I am at peace. So being the bold and courageous person that I am (either that or I'm insane to the core), instead of engaging in one of my cramm-sessions aka I've procrastinated-like-crazy-now-I-have-to-study sessions, I went to go watch the video Any Given Sunday with Joanne and Jammie, my two lovely older and wiser sisters... actually, I'm a little worried about tomorrow... okay, I'm 'a lot' worried... if push comes to shove, I'll just burnish my essays by squeezing all the information and knowledge I've gained and experienced from living in this East Asian country. Either that, or after receiving my graded exam, I'll feel piqued and vow never to take a class just because it was so close to our poly-sci department. I deserve the low grade the professor will inevitably give me... =(
Irene; it was so nice to hear from you again. I hope you're doing well and nothing's stopping you from reaching your dreams. The memories we've created together in Bangkok still and will forever remain valuable to me.
On another note, I've added a new picture to my sister's (Hazel) section so feel free to drop by and check it out...