I just read my past two journal entries and I wanted to point out that what I posted up was completely immature and unecessary. I've been stressed about a lot of things recently and with all the worrying piling up, I forget to be patient and I get panicky very easily. I need to start focusing on what is most important in my life and I need to live up to my words instead of reflecting an "all talk and no action" mentality. What's most important to me right now is to be a good and decent human being and I say this with absolute truth and honesty. I need to focus on my academic life since I am a student and this stance comes before my occupational standing as websurfer for the company I work at (I know prepositions should never be at the end of a sentence but correcting grammatical errors are the least of my worries as of the moment). I've been told that this is one of the most important phases in my life, one of the most crucial stages that determines my future status. The actions that I take, along with the consequences that come with them, will follow me until the day I die, whether they be good or bad. I don't see myself as a lazy or incompetent person but I'm also not the most hardworking or dilligent either. I don't want any of this luke-warm, right in the middle, gray, not black or white, kind of living anymore. I want to live like I'm constantly on a treasure hunt, always excited, always so hopeful and forever surprised and in awe. I want to live like there is no tomorrow and I want to celebrate every second, every minute, every hour... I want to live with not having to regret and I want to be content with just feeling the warmth of the sun on me... I want to feel emotions that are real; when I hurt, I want to be racked with sorrow and I want to cry my heart out until I feel better... when I'm happy, I want to laugh until my stomach hurts and tears stream down my face... I want to live like I've always wanted to live... I want to be able to go to bed and get excited, not worry, over the uncertainty of tomorrow... I just want to be really happy... that's all...
Hahaha... and the first step to a brighter tomorrow is to take care of myself both physically and mentally. So what is my solution for a more physically fit Heidi? Centrum, yes multi-vitamins. The mental and emotional part of me will come gradually. A process that, I hope, will help me learn to live my life the way I've always wanted to live it...
Yay! My mother just told me that we're all going skiing during Christmas for three days; 23rd, 24th and 25th. She wants me to bring Angie along since she's practically a member of the family already. So after the ski trip, I'll be off to California and then to Phuket for a couple of days with a few friends from school. I'm going to be extremeley busy this winter; so much to do in so little time...
I am slightly discontented when hearing the words, 'You're so cute!" It reminds me of little, helpless puppies with big, sad eyes and no sense of direction whatsoever. It also reminds me of Hammie and Petunia from the Tiny Toons Cartoon series... The reason for this sudden and little outburst is because I met Angie's aunt today, for the first time, and she couldn't stop pinching my face and asking me if I was really 'ninteen already.' She is the sweetest person and I have no intentions of disrespecting her but I am extremely sick of hearing the adjective, cute. Hahahahaha... why can't I be sexy or intimidating? I wouldn't mind being called classy or elegant... hahahahaha... this journal entry is too funny. But honestly, when is this nightmare going to end? Am I forever going to look like I'm sixteen? So the next time you want to use the word, cute, I suggest you save it and say it to Paco since that dog needs more lovin than I do... =)
December 1, 2000
I'm at work right now... on a fifteen minute break and since I get my own computer, I've decided to use this precious time to reflect and write today's journal entry. Oh yay! David oppa (co-worker) just gave me a mandarin orange. He's sitting right next to me and asking me, "Why do you do this?" I think that's his nice way of asking me, "Uh... do you have a life?" hahahaha... He wants me go back and delete that but I'm not going to because I am a 'very difficult and stubborn little girl.' Work is alright but the hours are a little ridiculous; plus, it's Friday night and I just got a call from some friends in Kangnam. They say, "Come out~ Let's play~" and all I can do is sigh and tell them that I don't get off work until two hours later.
Hey wassup this is Dave, Heidi's 'co-worker.' Heidi's eatin her orange now so I'm takin over for a little while... this homepage isn't too bad... ow.. okay, IT'S WONDERFUL, IT'S GREAT, IT'S THE BOMB... hmmm... dunno what to type in this thing... Heidi wants me to write 'bout my definition of Love... L-O-V-E... I got nuttin' but love... love is like morphine...
Okay, that's the last time I'm ever letting anyone write in this sacred cyber-journal of mine. David oppa is a nice guy; he listens to all my complaining, whining, all my jokes and also tries very hard to laugh after too. Of course, the first time I met him at work, he comletely dissed me; he was dressed in hip-hop mode so I say to him, to be polite and friendly, "I like hip-hop." His reply, with a solemn and serious look, was "Hip-hop is an inner thing. Just cuz you dress it, talk it or dance it, doesn't mean you understand it..." Needless to say, I didn't want to talk to him for awhile after that short conversation of ours. He also listens to me go on and on about JC; the point is, despite his weird and vague comment that he made above, he's a very normal person.
So what did I do today before work? After school, we went to go sing (karaoke-ing) infront of our campus. Personally, I enjoy listening to people sing more than me belching out a song. There is this one song that I listen to at least a dozen times a day... and I would like to share the lyrics to this special song tonight with anyone out there who's stumbled upon this little page of mine... especially if your name is JC.
boyz ii men - dreams
here i am again
wondering if you're okay
can't stop this troubled heart
cause we're apart, miles away
phone pressed up to my ear
wish you were here holdin' me
a face to go with your sweet voice
would bring me joy, totally...
i know i can't be there
Baby it's alright
i'll be waiting for you, tonight
i pray that you'll be there
when i close my eyes
meet me in my dreams, tonight...
December 2, 2000
I'm sitting here wondering how, despite a span of twenty years together, they know nothing about each other...
December 3, 2000
I received an email from an art student who's currently attending Pratt (Art institute in New York). Apparently, my art pieces, which I've chosen to post up on my homepage, is 'nothing but the result one gets after giving a toddler a packet of crayons and clean sheets of paper.' ... What I choose to post up on my homepage is my personal choice and if what I've posted up has offended anybody out there, then I apologize. However, this homepage is my way of expressing my emotions and a reflection of how I've lived these past nineteen years. I never said that I was born an artist and I know that my art pieces don't belong in an art gallery; I did not create this little cyber home of mine to be judged and rated. The many compliments and criticisms I get, regarding this homepage of mine, I always try to respect and keep into consideration... But dang... thanks for the blunt and mean remark, Mr. Artsy-Fartsy
December 4, 2000
Just got off an emotional roller coaster... I realized and learned today that we all have different reactions to different situations. There is no right or wrong... just different perceptions. And it is our duty to respect these different kinds of reactionary thinking because we're all human and we're all imperfect.