We had lunch in the school cafeteria today since we were all 'broke as joke.' But I still went to Prowstar (a ghetto imitation of Starbucks) for my tall Sweet Bubble Latte which was actually four times the cost of lunch. We also had dinner at apgungdong... so my conclusion for today? Seoul is not the place to be for a struggling student. Let me rephrase that: Seoul is not the place to be for Heidi who is addcited to over-priced coffee and Italian food.
I talked to JC today so I feel very light-headed too.
November 24, 2000
I got my International Technology mid-term score back today and I was very disappointed with the grade I was given. Actually, we were all disappointed with how the professor chose to grade our exam. I don't understand; I'm trying so hard and all the hard work and effort put into trying to improve my school life (as a whole) is literally not getting me anywhere. So... we all went out for a barbecue dinner and went to a jazz bar after that to alleviate the disappoint we all felt in ourselves. It was Joanne, Jammie, Angeline and me with three of Angeline's students (she teaches English to middle-aged businessmen who work at RealtyServe) circled around a table full of JimBean bottles, platters of cut fruit , etc. I couldn't help but wonder and think to myself, "What am I doing here when I should be living my life to the fullest? Is this what my first year of college has amounted to?" On top of my sudden fear for my future, Jammie called her boyfriend; she started crying and there was nothing I could do to help ease her pain... so I just sat next to her and cried with her. It was a really empty feeling and as I sit here, infront of this computer screen of mine, everything so quiet around me and so crystal clear, I can't help but feel extremely sad.
November 25, 2000
I guess this would be a new entry since it's almost two in the morning, and it is infact, a new day. I still can't get rid of this extreme sadness. I am so scared... just so scared of everything and nothing...
I spent the whole afternoon at church (to redeem myself) for orchestra practice... I SUCK... but what can I do, what can they do... hahahaha... and after practicing for awhile, I went over to Angeline's apartment to check up on Jammie and Joanne since they were past out due to the hard-core drinking from last night. I was suppose to cook them Thai food for lunch but I couldn't; I'll do that on Monday. With the decision to go out and drink some coffee, we headed out to apgujondong but ended up at Bistro, sipping on really strong Long Island Ice Teas instead. And that just made us feel really down and dap-dap-he so we went to Shinchon to go dance at Blue Monkeys, the most ghetto club on the face of this little blue planet of ours but since we always have a good time there, we went anyhow. So it was Julie, Jammie, Joanne, Angeline and I, dancing the night away. Okay, I should go back and delete that really corny sentence but I'm too lazy; that just didn't make sense since I ended up wasting more energy typing this sentence after that corny statement but I'm not thinking properly right now and I don't know what the heck I'm talking about (typing about). I'm going insane and my head is still pounding from the loud music from the club. I have to wake up really early tomorrow morning for church so I'll leave today's entry at this... sweet dreams everyone =).
November 26, 2000
the arms of the one who loves you - xcape
i know you're going i can't make you stay
i can only let you know i'll love you anyway
and if the road you take
leads to heartache somewhere down the line
if someone ever hurts you
or treats your heart unkind
[chorus]
you just run to the arms
of the one who loves you
you just run to these arms
and these two arms will keep you warm
when rain has filled your heart
never fear i'm never far
you just run to the arms
of the one who loves you
i want you happy i want the best for you
and if you have to leave to find your dream
i hope that dream comes true
but if the world you find
brings you hard times
if someone makes you cry
i'll be there to hold you
i'll be standing by
[chorus]
my love is strong enough you know
strong enough to let you go
but i'll always hold you inside my heart
and if you should ever change your mind
you can come back anytime
and when you do you just...
[chorus]
If you wait for a bit, you'll be able to hear this song in the background... just kidding; I'm experiencing technical difficulties in this area...
November 27, 2000
Life is very complicated; you think you know someone pretty well and all of a sudden, they turn into someone completely different. What do you do when someone you cared about, someone you trusted, turned their back on you , leaving you utterly astounded and in shock? What do you do when a friend, in order to save his face holds you responsible for a mistake he made? You know what I chose to do in order to minimize the great level of disappointment I felt? I talked about it, I listened to music, I ate comforting foods , I drank coffee, I smoked like a chimney, I cried and I laughed about it. But none of it helped and I'm still hurting. To that somebody, if you're reading this, I just want you to know that I will never be able to trust you again. And to that other person who jumped to conclusions and believed his words without even asking me, try to learn to respect other people. You both are losers!
I forgot to mention that I talked to Chris last night; it was comforting to talk to a friend from the past. Can't wait to see you this winter and meet up Gupts!
I am still extremeley hurt by what my other friend did to me yesterday... I walked in class this afternoon (Korean History) and he looked like nothing was bothering him, not a care in the world... He still doesn't know the extremety of his actions, how his words hurt both me and my other friend. Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why do people have to twist the truth and turn it into something so ugly and despicable? It's true what they say... you can count your true friends with just one hand.
It's getting really cold these days. I wish it would start snowing; I would feel better then. Last year, when I saw my first snow for the year, everything was so perfect and wonderful...