Disclaimer: I don’t own One Piece.

 

Guardian Spirit

~Usopp~

 

 Miss Thief joined us – her name is Nami, by the way. She wants to collect a million Berries. What for she needs it, I have no idea and I actually don’t care. Everybody has their goals and normally you let it be. Some people make too much fuss about money.

 Back to Thief-Girl – she seems pretty smart, but compared to Luffy everybody looks smart and Zoro doesn’t use his brain too often. I think he doesn’t want to over-heat it… Anyway, redhead there gets annoyed easily, loves money and is an egoist. Oh, and she loves money, somehow manages to intimidate both Luffy and Zoro and loves money. Did I mention she loves money?

 I think those three need to stop ignoring one tinsy problem – they need a ship. Badly. I wonder, how long will take ‘till Straw Hat gets it?.. Wait a sec! How are they going to get a ship? They don’t have any money and it’s too big for Thief-Girl to steal it. Maybe she could steal enough money, so they could buy one? Or maybe they could just board (is that how you call it?) another pirate ship? Never mind, it’s not as if I could help here.

 

 ‘Wow! So there really is mainland!’ Well, obviously. I’m afraid Red Line is mainland… And so are islands. Luffy, I seriously wonder how you managed to survive for so long.

  ‘Of course there is! It was on the map!’ No need to get worked up unnecessarily Nami – it’s not as if it could change anything. And, anyway, I’m not so sure about all those maps being correct…

  ‘Is there a town?’ I am not going to make any comments, Straw Hat Boy.

 ‘Yeah. Just a little one, though.’ That means no ship for now. Miss Thief, if I were you, I’d find a bigger one. But on the second thought I, sure as hell, can’t read maps, so it’s better I’m not you… Being dead is getting to me again – I’m rambling.

 Huh?.. I think, I saw something move in the bushes. No, there’s nothing there now. Must be my imagination, playing tricks on me… I never thought I had enough imagination, though.

 ‘Finally I get to stand on solid ground.’ I actually miss it, kid. Technically, I can’t feel and I can’t stand. I’m not even sure if I remember how standing feels.

 ‘You sure sleep a lot.’ You’re not the only one wondering about that captain.

 ‘By the way, I was kinda wondering, who are they?’ I did notice something! I did! 

 ‘They noticed us!’ Kids? They were kids? Oh, joy – now there going to run to the village and tell all the people that big bad pirates came and are going to burn the village… Can’t anything go without problems for once?

 ‘I am Usopp, head of the GIANT PIRATE FLEET and ruler of this village!’ And you have a phallic nose! How can somebody forget that? Wait Kuina, you shouldn’t have such thoughts – you should be composed, stoic and cold… ‘If you’re thinking about attacking the town, think again! My eighty million followers can’t be stopped!’ Eighty million? Yeah, sure! Like any scrawny brat could raise such an army.

 ‘You’re lying.’ I’m happy Nami’s here. I don’t want to think what might have happened, if she hadn’t noticed that.

 ‘She found out!!!’

 ‘See?’ Miss Thief, this wasn’t so hard…

  ‘I accidentally said “She found out!”!’ Like hell you did!

 ‘Man you’re funny!’ Did Luffy notice his nose?

  ‘Don’t insult me! I am very proud and that’s why my people call me Usopp the Proud!’ Yeah, right. Pigs may fly, but they’re highly unlikely birds.

 

 How nice of that Usopp to take us for a meal… I mean them. And it seems Luffy finally realised they need a ship.

 ‘Well, there’s a ship – not a warship, though.’ Better than nothing. ‘And there’s only one person who could own it.’ Well, obviously. It’s not as if things could be community… Wait, they can! Now, let me guess, who the person is – some old spook, who wouldn’t give money to his own daughter, right?

 ‘Only one?’ Oh, come on Thief-Girl don’t be silly! It’s not as if, say, a door-to-door salesman could own a ship!

 ‘There’s a real mansion here that belongs to a wealthy family. That’s the owner.’ Told you – some rich old creep! ‘The owner, if you can call her that, is just a young girl.’ Wha?.. ‘She’s sick!’ I’m fed up with this story. It should be an old creep, whose butt we could kick.

 ‘Than why does she own the mansion?’ Yeah! It’s supposed to be an old creep!.. Er… I think she inherited it Nami…

 ‘Hey miss! More meat!’ Ah, Luffy…

 ‘…And beer!’ …and Zoro – so adorable together…

 ‘Are you listening at all!!!’ …but I don’t think Usopp appreciates that. ‘Sadly, she lost her parents a few years ago and inherited a lot of money and the mansion. No matter by how much luxuries she is surrounded the situation cannot be worse for her!’ If I could, I’d write ‘Usopp loves Miss Rich-Person’ on his nose.

 ‘Let’s forget about that village, we can get a ship somewhere else.’ Sure Thief-Girl. But let’s not forget about food?

  ‘Yeah! We’d better get going!’ Luf~fy! ‘Let’s buy some more food and then go!’ That’s better.

 ‘By the way, you said you were looking for crew?’ Sure, Long-Nose, but I don’t think you qualify.

 ‘Yeah, you know anyone?’ He obviously wants to become one himself, captain.

 ‘You can make me your captain!’ Sorry, we already have one Usopp.

 ‘Uh… We’re sorry!’

 ‘Hold on!’ … Some people don’t know when to give up…

 

 They eat and eat, and eat, and eat, and eat, and…

 ‘We’re Usopp’s Pirate Crew!’ …eat… Huh?... Who are those kids? ‘Has arrived!’ Um… Yeah… But who are you?

 ‘Who’s that?’ Good question Nami – I keep asking and asking myself.

 ‘I dunno… Who are they?’ This is getting a bit repetitive, captain.

 ‘Hey! The captain ain’t here!’ Huh? But Luffy is here, kiddo!

 ‘Maybe ho got killed!’ No, he didn’t… But he may, if he doesn’t stop acting as if his brain wouldn’t exist.

 ‘H…Hey pirates!’ What a brave child. Aren’t you afraid they’re gonna eat you, little boy?

 ‘What did you do with our captain Usopp?’ Usopp?.. The guy with the long nose is their captain? Oookay… I don’t want to know anything more.

 ‘Delicious meat!’ Uh… oh! It wasn’t the brightest thing to say Straw Hat Boy – they might get the whole village to chase us out, you know?

 ‘Wha?.. M… meat?’ Double uh… oh! ‘The captain!’

 ‘If you want your captain…’ Zoro…

 ‘Wha… what did you do with him?’ Don’t ask stupid questions children…

 ‘We ate him.’ …because they only deserve stupid answers. And as for you, kid, stop grinning like some psychotic cat. It’s not funny!

 The noise! I didn’t know three boys could squeal like that. My ears… My poor nom-existent ears…

 ‘Why are you looking at me?!’ Girls don’t eat boys, Thief-Girl? ‘You say the stupidest things!’ I’m tempted to agree. Man! I’d roll my eyes, if I could.

 

 So, the owner of the mansion, the ill girl, never goes out? And Usopp goes to her and tells her made up stories to make her happy? I’d drag her out to get some fresh air… But than, I’m a big bad brutal spirit.

 I wonder what those kids admire Long-Nose so much for. From what I heard he’s a coward and a liar. If he’d really liked this girl, he’d do something more than feeding her nonsense.

 ‘I get it. He’s a good guy.’ Bah! Luffy, don’t be silly – the world is more complicated than good and bad.

 ‘Yeah! I like the captain’s “nosiness”.’ Sure, boy.

 ‘And I like his “divisiveness”.’ You even understand the word you used?

 ‘I like his “instigating”.’ Do you practise that as lines, or what?

 ‘It sure sounds, he gets a lot of adoration.’ Your insight and wisdom never cease to amaze me, Zoro.

 ‘So maybe the girl feels better?’ I don’t think so Straw Hat. She’s probably sniffling into Usopp’s manly chest. Heh…

 ‘A lot better, thanks to the captain!’ Kuina, don’t laugh. He didn’t mean that. You are not some giggly teenage hormone-loaded baby and you don’t have dirty thoughts. You are calm, composed and stuff…

 ‘All right than! We’ll go and get a boat!!!’ A big boat, which sails on the sea is called a ship, captain.

 ‘No! Didn’t I tell you to give it up already?!’ Oh, Miss Thief, don’t be a grouch. Asking doesn’t cost a thing and it doesn’t hurt, either.

 

 So there we are. Luffy dearest managed to get us through the fence and now ‘poor Miss Kaya’ has probably been startled to near death. See if I care. And we finally got nearer to getting our ship, this butler-person appeared. If I’d be alive and that rich, I wouldn’t hire him, even if I’d get… Er… A new better sword. It may be me being paranoid, but this Clahadour seems not exactly what he pretends to be. The fellow is too sinister… I couldn’t explain it, but my intuition yells ‘Get away from him!’.

 And this shady character had the cheek to make us go out. Somebody ought to kick his butt. I bet it’s his fault the girl never walks out. True, she doesn’t seem to have a lot of brains – but being treated like a flower that might whither any second, isn’t exactly a good way to develop intelligence. Plus she should stand up to Clahadour – he’s her servant for crying out loud. He should listen to her, not the other way round.

 So Usopp’s father is a pirate… One of Shanks man – the same guy, who gave Luffy his hat. Quite the coincidence. I wonder… I wonder…

 Well, I don’t blame him for lashing out like that – I’d do the same, if somebody insulted my father. But he should be more careful, when choosing his enemies. Clahadour is dangerous, I can say that. He’s used to fighting – the way he moves proves it. You won’t see it, unless you hadn’t observed people who fight a lot. Zoro has the same stroll… and I had.

 But the girl… She’s so naïve – to think that the strange man, who adjusts his glasses with his palm and not with his fingers – that he cares for her. No. I don’t believe that. If he does, than why do his eyes remain cold, when he talks about protecting her? Why is there something icy in his voice, when he should sound warm and devoted – like a good servant? He’s playing. He’s acting and doing it well, but it’s all a lie – a pose. I wonder, if Usopp ever noticed? Or was he to busy with ‘poor Miss Kaya’?

 ‘Look out! A b-b-backwards man!!!’ A what? ‘There’s a weird guy walking backwards!’ Well, yes! There actually is. The world seems so full of lunatics and weirdoes – Luffy, captain Morgan (RIP), Buggy and his crew… And now this fellow.

 ‘Hey! Who called me a weirdo? I’m not a freak!’ Sure pal. You’re living in the dream world!

 ‘You are definitely weird.’ Said Nami.

 ‘Shut up, I’m just a passing hypnotist.’ You sure, you didn’t hypnotise yourself?

 ‘A hypnotist? Cool!’

 ‘Try it out on us!’

 ‘Yeah! Do it!’ Bad idea, boys.

  ‘Why should I show my skills to some dumb kids I only met?’ Because they’re cute, irresistible and blah, blah, blah..? ‘Okay look at the wheel.’

 ‘You’re doing it?’ No need to act surprised Zoro – he’s a weirdo, remember?

 ‘I’ll make you fall asleep with “One, two, Jango!”. Okay here we go…’ You can fall asleep from looking at a wheel? Don’t joke! ‘One… Two… Jango!’

 He fell asleep. He hypnotised himself. He’s a bad hypnotist.

 ‘Hey! What the hell is that?!’ A sleeping hypnotist, Zoro. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

 So there are pirates coming. Nice. Usopp wanted to stop them – alone, because no one would believe him. Understandable, since he lies a lot.

 Guess, who’s the main bad guy? Clahadour. I knew there was something wrong with that guy! And of course that silly little Kaya can’t see who is lying. Stupid Usopp – to lie so much that people don’t trust him and stupid Kaya - not to believe her friend. They’d make a fine pair.

 Back to the pirates – Luffy, Nami and Zoro decided they should help. Miss Thief only because she wants their treasure, though. This girl has some issues over money – every sensible person knows that you need money only not look scruffy and not walk around hungry… and to buy swords.

 So, there we were at the beach fully prepared to mutilate those pirates. We even had a nice trap set. But things never are so easy. The pirates landed on another beach… The one were our ships were. Poor Thief Girl almost skinned Long Nose for being wrong. After all her treasure was in grave danger, because of that.

 Consequently, we should have run to the other boarding place, but of course it’s too complicated for those nutcases to do it properly. Luffy had to run off, even though he doesn’t see the faintest difference between north and west. Than Usopp followed and even if he is able to get to the right place he’s too weak to hold off those pirates on his own. Nami was next – she had to save her treasure… Unfortunately, she slipped and landed on the grease, so she couldn’t climb up. But no worry, Miss Thief is a smart girl, so she used Zoro to get up, but he landed in the grease in the process.

 ‘Damn it Nami, I won’t let you get away with this!’ See? ‘It’ll take more than a hill to stop me!’ Like a steep hill way covered with grease?

 ‘All right! I finally made it!’ Go you! Now, get going and help Usopp. ‘Which way is north?’ North is north, Zoro… It’s some how connected with where moss grows on trees… Or something similar.

 

 Those pirates were pathetic. Even when their captain hypnotised them they were no challenge for Luffy. Well, he did hypnotise Straw Hat Boy too. I knew this Jango was a bad hypnotist.

 ‘Hey Buchi! Come look at this – the bow’s been broken!’

 ‘The bow?! How could that have happened?’ Huh? Somebody’s still on the ship?

‘Those voices! The “Nyaban Brothers”!’ Stupid name, if you ask me.

‘Looks like there someone on the ship.’ Seems so, Zoro.

‘Oh yeah!.. We still have them!’ Aren’t you a brilliant fellow, Jango? How on Earth you became the captain is a mystery to me.

 ‘So what’s gonna show up now?’ The ‘Nyaban Brothers’ if I’m correct. They must be tougher than those wimpy pirates here, because they wouldn’t be guffawing like that and talking we’re dead.

 ‘Come out “Nyaban Brothers”!’ Now dear Jango they’d come out anyway, no need to yell.

  ‘At your service, captain Jango.’ Those are two strange guys… Dressed up like cats. Wonder what’s that for? It’s supposed to give them the power of the tiger, or what?

 ‘They landed from that height!’ No shit, Long Nose. Those two are weird. ‘They look like cats.’ Humanoid two-legged cats. You sure are observant.

 ‘Sham, Buchi get rid of them!’

 ‘But we can’t!’ Meow! The poor kittens are scared?

  ‘Aren’t those guys supposed to be their hidden weapon?’ Actually, long nose is right. It does seem fishy.

 ‘They’re shaking in their shoes!’ Nice observation, Miss Thief. We wouldn’t have noticed without your help. Is the whole bunch of those pirates so wimpy?

 ‘We’re just plain ol’ ship watchman!’

 ‘Yeah, we can’t fight in such situations!’ Do you have a signed contract for specific occasions, or what?!

 ‘Sham! Hurry up and kill them!’

 ‘Me?’ Oh, so that’s Sham? So the big one is Buchi?

 ‘Hurry!’ 

 ‘Yes sir! Right away sir!’ He’s no challenge, if he’s afraid of that clown of a captain.

 … What the?! He got Zoro! He’s been pretending all way long! I’ll… I’ll do nothing because I’m a friggin’ ghost and can’t do anything, except for watching. At least, I can keep the wounds from bleeding…

 ‘You just underestimated me, didn’t you?’ Shut up! No honourable fighter uses such tricks in battle! You have no right to speak! ‘But you did well! Considering I wore my claws…’ Now that Zoro knows you’re dangerous, he’ll defeat you, trash.

 ‘Wait, you mean he isn’t weak?!’ No he isn’t Usopp. So keep your long nose in a safe distance.

 !...

 ‘Zoro! Your swords!’ You aren’t the only thief here, Nami.

 ‘They’re gone!’ This is bad. Bad as in a big angry bull is charging at you. But not as in you have no place to duck. We still have a chance.

 ‘So you can fight too.’ Well, obviously. Do they pay you for stating the obvious? ‘But you can’t blow off Sham so easily!’ What’s with speaking in first person about yourself? I thought only little kids and bimbos, who think behaving childishly is attractive, did that. ‘Did you lose something? Well, don’t ask me…’ Ask your head when it mysteriously leaves your neck?

 ‘Oh, no! They stole his swords!’ Nice observation, Thief Girl. Care to tell something new?

 ‘Give those back!’ Fat chance, Zoro. They didn’t steal them so they could give them back, I believe.

 ‘Give them back? Looks like you already have one…’ Why, I ought to!.. I knew, ‘One Sword Style’ was better! But would he listen? No! What does a girl know, even if she’s older and is a better sword fighter!

 ‘Before with fight, I’ll throw those pesky things aside.’

 ‘Hey! You treat others property with respect!’ Think he will listen, kid? Just give him the beating he deserves.

 

 I wish, I were alive… I wish, I could be in your place, Zoro. I wish, I could fight… Hold a sword, feel the pain of strained muscles, cut and slash…

 

 He ducks and you seem surprised. There’s two of them, both moving with cat-like grace and agility. They’re smart, tricky and will be hard to beat. It’s a challenge – something you are looking for.

 Their attacks are dangerous, some even could be lethal. But they aren’t unbeatable and you know it. I can see it in your eyes. You will win.

 

 I wish, I were alive… I wish, I could be in your place, Zoro. I wish, I could fight… Hold a sword, feel the pain of strained muscles, cut and slash…I wish, I could be in your place.

 

 You aren’t good with one sword… But you are better than they are. It’s not all technique, you know? There’s something more – the goal. And you have one. You aren’t going to disappoint me, are you? Not after saying you wouldn’t break that promise.

 

 I wish, I could be in your place… But since I can’t, I’ll watch over you. And that’s a promise, a promise I intend to keep.

 

 Clahadour? What is he doing here? Got tired with waiting? I don’t like it. Why is he insulting those pirates? Doesn’t he need them?

 The ‘Nyaban Brothers’ are going to attack him. He isn’t a wise man – if he were, he wouldn’t insult them. Even if he’s able to dispose of them, he’s wasting good warriors.

 Captain?! He’s their captain?!

 He’s behind them?! And what are those claws?..

 He’s going to kill his man?! What kind of a captain is he?! I knew he wasn’t right!

 They’re back. Clahadour threatened them back into line. The ‘Nyaban Brothers’ want to fight Zoro again, but Nami managed to snatch his swords and give them back to him. They’re good, but now they’re no match for Zoro.

 

 The girl from the mansion came. Quite surprising, that. She wanted captain Kuro to stop. He didn’t. He took the gun from her. Damsel in Distress. Fortunately, those three boys appeared and she had enough sense to let them drag her away.

 Now of course some one had to fallow them. Since ‘dear’ Kuro was busy with Luffy, Usopp decided to be the brave hero, who saves the fair maiden. But he was wounded – and guess, who had to carry him? Surprise, surprise! It was Zoro!

 Don’t worry, they managed to stop that hypnotist – and Luffy killed Kuro. That’s how we got ourselves a new crew member… and a ship. That Kaya girl maybe a DILDO (A/N: Abbr. ‘Damsel in Lethal Distress, Oh!’), but she’s generous.

 I do like Usopp – he’s funny and fits the crew. Another weirdo. Now we need a cook and some cannon fodder.

 

A/N

 Since it might be confusing in this chapter – whenever Kuina calls somebody kid in singular, she means Zoro.

 I don’t mind Kaya, but I don’t think Kuina would tolerate her. And DILDO really is an abbreviation for Damsel in Lethal Distress, Oh! – I didn’t invent it.

 

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