| Released July 6th, 2008 Realize by Missbevcrusher Rated [A] Please note: This story is an AU sequel to "Long Long Way to Go". If you haven't read that one, then I suggest you do. Disclaimer: Paramount owns them and didn�t give us much. So I thought I�d put my own spin on things. Please don�t sue me� I�m serious. LOL I�ve decided to make this part of my P/C song series. The one I chose is �Realize� by Colbie Caillat. And like its prequel, it�s titled after the song. You might find a few lines here and there that reflect some of the lyrics too. Hope you enjoy. � If you just realize what I just realized Then we�d be perfect for each other and will never find another Just realize what I just realized We�d never have to wonder if we missed out on each other This AU story is set 4 years after the events in �Long Long Way to Go�. � Dr. Beverly Crusher handed the two small backpacks over to Joshua�s mother. �Are you sure you don�t mind watching Wesley for the rest of the week?� �It�s no problem at all. Wesley�s always super well-behaved when he comes over. Besides, it�s not always easy to keep young boys occupied during summer vacation. Having the two of them play together, I�m sure I won�t hear the usual, �Mom, I bored� line.� �Thanks, you�re really doing me a great favor. Once this conference is over, if you ever need someone to watch Joshua, I�ll be more than happy to help you out.� The boys already ran rambunctiously around the kitchen. It was clear the two nine-year-olds were going to have a blast together. �Wes, come and give mommy a kiss before I go.� �Aw, Mom.� Wesley rolled his eyes and slowly made his way toward his mother. As she hugged him, he stayed rather still. �This is embarrassing.� Beverly kissed the side of his face. �You�re not even ten yet, and already you�re getting embarrassed about hugging your mother in front of your friends?� She shook her head and messed up his hair. �Be good, kid. I love you.� �Bye!� Wesley ran to resume his game with Joshua �Those boys.� Janet looked at them as they played. �They get pretty hard to understand pretty fast.� �Don�t they ever? Anyway, I should be back by next Sunday. I�ll call to check how you�re doing from time to time.� Janet laughed. �Okay. Have a good conference.� Beverly stepped through the doorway and looked over her shoulder. �Thanks and good luck with the little tornadoes.� * * * * Beverly boarded the transport shuttle a short while later and settled in for the eight hour journey to Starbase 65. As she looked out of the viewport, the doctor longed for the day when she�d be able to finally serve aboard starships again. Before she�d gotten pregnant with Wesley, Beverly had been assigned to the U.S.S. Dominica. It had been a very exciting time in her life. A time when she realized her calling was to practice medicine in the vast unknown. But since Starfleet did not yet allow children aboard starships, the doctor had accepted a posting as a research doctor back at Medical shortly after she learned of her pregnancy. To this day, Beverly had given her all to excel in her position, even going as far as contemplating taking the bridge officer�s exam, in order to get considered for the higher ranking positions in the future. In fact, rumors in the grapevine suggested that the Federation was planning on commissioning bigger starships that could accommodate families. If those rumors were true, then it could mean an even earlier return to starship life than she expected. As the hours passed and she leaned back further in her seat, Beverly�s thoughts drifted to Jack� It had been four years since she�d buried him. Although not as sharp as it used to be, the pain was still there. She doubted it would ever completely go away, but at least she had learned to accept it and move on with her life. In the months following the accident, Wesley had been a great source of strength for her. He needed his mother and so she made the effort each and every day to pick up the pieces and be there for him one hundred percent. In the distance, Beverly could see a starship as it glided through the black star-filled void and it reminded her of just how many people went about working and living way out here. That train of thought led her once again, as it so often did, to a certain captain� She hadn�t seen him since that night after the funeral. He�d run away� not only from the ghost of his best friend, but from her as well. She was certain of it. His guilt over Jack�s death had driven him away and she�d often wondered how he was doing. About a year and a half ago, Beverly had heard the news that the Stargazer had been lost. During the brief time before details of the incident emerged, she had feared he�d been lost along with the ship. Much to her relief, he had made it. One night, she�d watched the coverage of the much publicized aftermath. That was the first and only time she�d seen his face since that rainy night on the tarmac. It had amazed her just how much his appearance seemed to have changed in such a short amount of time. His hair had turned rather grey and he also had considerably less. There had been a look about him too� sort of like a man who couldn�t escape the ghosts that plagued him. Fatigue started to creep up on the doctor and seeing there was at least an additional three hours before the shuttle arrived at destination, Beverly closed her eyes and drifted away. * * * * �Attention, this is the captain. The shuttle is now approaching Starbase 65. Estimated time until docking is five minutes.� The announcement startled Beverly awake. She blinked a few times and sat straighter in her seat. Her butt somewhat asleep, she shifted and tried to stretch her legs. Through the viewport, Crusher could see the imposing structure of the starbase. In its slow rotation, the many lit windows made it evident that this was a very bustling complex. Before she knew it, the shuttle glided through the large doors and proceeded to dock. Once the clang of the craft�s connection to the base was heard, Beverly got up and retrieved her luggage. * * * * Its many corridors and vast promenades made the Starbase a virtual maze. A computerized display of the base�s layout stood just ahead. Before she ventured out in search of the hospitality areas, Crusher took the time to consult it. The corridors were filled with people, both Starfleet and civilian. With close attention to the various direction signage posted throughout, Beverly quickly found her way to where she would be staying during her time here. The room she�d been assigned was surprisingly luxurious. Her luggage now by the door, the doctor looked around. The room consisted of a contemporary sitting area, a dining area and a sleeping area that was comprised of a king-sized bed with neatly arranged cushions atop the dark blue bed cover. A variety of abstract paintings hung on each of the taupe walls, which only seemed to add to the sleek design. On the far side of her accommodations was the door that led into the bathroom. Curious, Beverly made her way over and peered in. Much to her delight, it was just as stylish as the scene that had greeted her when she�d walked in. Not only did it contain a sonic shower, but a large Jacuzzi tub too. The perfect place to relax after a long day, she thought. * * * * Seated, along with numerous other members of Starfleet�s medical division in a small amphitheater, Beverly waited for the conference to start. She re-read notes she�d brought with her as she waited. They were going to discuss various new biological and chemical warfare threats the Federation now faced. Since she�d worked on developing counter-agents to some of the known toxins being circulated in enemy hands, Beverly was scheduled to make her own presentation in front of the prominent minds seated around her. Everything started off well enough and she was happy to see that her findings were being well received. But a few hours into this first day of meetings, problems started to arise within the group. A few of the researchers there didn�t fully agree with some of what the other doctors were proposing to further downsize the various threats. By the time the day was done, things didn�t look too promising for the rest of the conference. As Beverly started in the direction of her hotel, one of the doctors caught up with her. �Bev, wait up.� Beverly stopped and turned around. �Oh, hi, Stacy.� Dr. Stacy Keller had served on the Dominica at the same time Dr. Crusher had and the two had remained friends throughout the years. �What a promising conference this has turned out to be, huh? �I know. Can you believe some of those doctors?� Stacy fell into step beside her friend. �Hopefully, tomorrow will be an improvement.� �I certainly hope so. After all, I didn�t travel all the way out here to attend a conference that is going down the tubes.� �So how�ve you been, by the way? Seems it�s been so long since we had a chance to talk.� �Good. Busy.� Beverly laughed. �Juggling both my work at Medical and raising Wesley doesn�t leave much room for anything else.� �How is the little guy? Last time I saw him he was like seven or something.� �Well, he�s grown quite a bit. He�s even started his �mom you�re embarrassing me� stage.� Dr. Keller laughed. �But he�s doing very well in school. I can�t complain really. Soon, I�m the one who�s going to have to ask him for help to solve a math problem. I swear that boy is turning into a smaller version of Einstein. How are you finding your new position as CMO on the Dominica?� �I absolutely love it. Keeps me up at night most of the time, but I�m having a blast. What about you? Are you getting bored yet being stationed at Medical?� The two women passed through a doorway and proceeded down a long corridor. �To tell you the truth, I can�t wait to be out on a starship again. But with Wesley, it�s not really a possibility right now.� �Have you heard about those galaxy class starships they want to build? Supposedly, the lucky ones who get the postings there will be able to bring their families along.� �Yes, I�d heard about that. And if the rumors are true, you can be sure I�m going to be the first one to send in my application.� �I think it�s starting to be more than just a rumor. I ran into Captain Marks yesterday. He told me he and several other high ranking officers were meeting here to discuss the plans.� �That�s nice to hear.� �And if I remember correctly, one of the guys that used to hang around with Jack all the time is here too... Oh, what�s his name?� Stacy frowned as she tried to recall. �Walker Keel?� Dr. Keller shook her head. �No, it�s that other fellow. Captain Picard� I think�� At the mention of that name, Beverly had to force herself to keep walking. Oblivious, Dr. Keller went on, �Rumor has it that he�s the frontrunner to become captain of the new Enterprise they want to build.� �Well, that�s� very impressive.� Beverly still had trouble wrapping her mind around the fact that Jean-Luc might be on the starbase. �You okay?� Keller stopped and pressed the console next to a turbolift. Crusher blinked a few times and shook out of her reverie. �Yes, I�m fine. Just a bit tired from all that bantering at the conference today.� �Ugh, I know what you mean. Seems all I want to do is crash into my bed and sleep.� The doors to the lift opened. Beverly smiled as she boarded the lift with her friend, but her mind was elsewhere. * * * * Settling in the hot and sudsy water in the Jacuzzi, Crusher�s thoughts lingered on what her friend had just told her. Is he really here? �Jean-Luc�� She rubbed the tip of her fingers over her mouth and stared into space. The abrupt way he�d exited her life had left a void in her. She had an immense need for closure. Closure that she�d begun to doubt would ever come. But now� it was a possibility. Perhaps this was her chance. Her chance at what, she didn�t know. But if it could help quell those lingering feelings that had remained with her over the years, then it was worth looking into. If she didn�t at least try to look him up, Beverly was certain she would come to regret it. But what if he still doesn�t want to see me? She worried about what that might do to her, but at the same time, knew that she couldn�t just leave it be. * * * * Now looking very much like a civilian with her grey sweater that hugged her figure and black fitted pants, the doctor made her way to the lobby of the hotel. �Dr. Crusher.� The clerk remembered her name from earlier when she�d checked in. �How do you find your accommodations?� �They�re more than adequate, thank you.� �What can I do for you then?� �I was wondering if you could tell me whether or not there�s a Captain Jean-Luc Picard staying here this week?� The young man smiled but shook his head. �I�m really sorry, but I�m not allowed to divulge guest information.� �Of course not, I understand.� �But between you and me�� He brought his voice to a more discreet level. �There were several high ranking officers seated together in our lounge just a short while ago.� Beverly leaned forward and said in a voice that matched that of the clerk�s, �Thank you.� �No problem.� Unsure about whether or not the officers would still be there, Crusher made her way toward the lounge that was situated at the end of a short hallway just off the lobby. The lights were subdued in the cozy but crowded establishment. Making her way through the door, Beverly looked around. She could feel the accelerating pace of her heartbeat�definitely jittery. At first, she didn�t see them. There were too many people going about the rather small lounge. As Crusher managed to make her way by the patrons who came and went, she tried to peer over them toward the tables in the back. When she saw several people seated around a corner booth, most of them dressed in the all-too-familiar maroon uniforms, she became even more nervous. Oh my god, there he is. Slightly to the left of the booth sat the man she�d never been able to cast out of her thoughts. In deep conversation with the officer sitting across him, he was totally oblivious to her presence. At first. Seeming to sense her gaze, Jean-Luc looked up and saw her. When he did, Beverly�s breath caught in her lungs. His first reaction was a stunned one. He blinked a few times to make sure he wasn�t seeing things. Beverly? Inside, he panicked, for standing across the room, looking straight at him, stood the woman who had haunted him all these years. Not knowing what to do, the captain quickly averted his gaze to the drink in front of him. As she saw his reaction toward her, Beverly couldn�t help but think that this was a mistake. He doesn�t want to see me� Am I imagining things? Still in a jumbled mess of masked emotions, Picard looked up once more. All he caught was a glimpse of her long red hair. He then realized she�d turned and left. * * * * God, why did I go see him? With hurried footsteps, Beverly wanted nothing more than to get the hell out of there. Once she�d reached the lobby, the doctor suddenly felt self-conscious, for the clerk was staring at her with a curious expression. Not wanting to pass by him at that moment, Crusher opted to leave the hotel altogether and go for a walk. She needed to clear her head anyway and it was probably the best way to do it. It was the start of the night cycle on the starbase, so the ambient lighting was subdued everywhere. Not knowing exactly where to go, Beverly simply headed straight in one direction. After several minutes of brisk walking, she reached a large promenade. To her right was a railing, beyond which she could see several floors above and below. With a calming breath, Crusher slowed and finally leaned on the rail for support. Feeling just as dejected as she had three years earlier, she stared down to the first floor below. In her mind, all she could see was how uncomfortable Jean-Luc had looked when he�d spotted her. A few minutes of self reproach passed as the doctor stood there. �Beverly?� That voice� His voice� It startled her out of her daze. She looked up and sideways until she met his hazel eyes. Several feet away, with an unreadable expression on his face, stood the captain. Beverly did not yet know what to say to him, so she simply straightened. He seemed to hesitate. �I was wondering where you�d run off to.� When she kept silent, a saddened look in her eyes, he cleared his throat and took a few tentative steps forward. �Look, I�m sorry for how I reacted back there. I just wasn�t expecting to see you.� �I know you weren�t,� she managed to say. �What are you doing here? I thought you were still on Earth?� �Well, I was,� she stumbled on the words. �I mean, I am. I�m just here for a conference.� �I see.� It amazed him just how accurate his recollection of her had been. Except for her hair, which was now somewhat shorter and was a deeper shade of red, she looked exactly like he�d remembered. Her emotions soaring through her, Beverly blinked and shook her head. �I�m sorry I intruded on your evening just now. I�d heard that you were here and� I guess I just wanted to see for myself.� The realization that she�d in fact sought him out as opposed to having run into him by accident took him by surprise. Since he said nothing, Crusher continued, �You left so suddenly after the funeral, you see�� Unable to finish it, her sentence simply hung between them. Picard nodded, his stare lost in a void. �I did.� He shifted his gaze back to hers. �It wasn�t a very considerate thing to do on my part, but at the time� I just couldn�t stay� I�m sorry if I hurt you in any way.� �I admit. It was difficult� I�d not only lost my husband, but my friend too.� The captain looked down and then back up again. Beverly smiled sadly. �Do you think we could start with a clean slate? I�d really like for us to be friends again.� Does she know what she�s asking of me? Even after all this time, simply seeing her was enough to bring all of the emotions he�d tried to bury up to the surface once again. Just the look in her eyes as she waited for his answer was enough to buckle his resolve. I can�t deny her anything, can I? He simply nodded. Slowly, Beverly approached and hugged him. He hesitated at first, but Jean-Luc finally managed to return the embrace, closing his eyes as he did so. Despite having avoided her all these years, Picard knew one thing� He�d missed her like crazy. * * * * Their steps in slow harmony with one another other, Beverly and Jean-Luc took a stroll on the mostly deserted promenade. During the past half hour, they�d tried to catch up as best they could. The captain mostly discussed the projects he was working on, mostly ones that involved the new ships being designed. Being the ever humble person that he was, Beverly noted that he�d downplayed his future role in the fleet by never once mentioning the word flagship, nor the legendary Enterprise. In turn, the doctor talked about her job back at Medical as well as Wesley. When she�d first broached the subject of her son, Picard still felt the now all-to-familiar stab of guilt over Jack�s death with full force. Not wanting her to see that vulnerability that still lingered within him, Jean-Luc fought to keep his emotions from showing. �Sometimes, I�m amazed at how quickly he�s growing up. Before I know it, he�ll be going off to college or the Academy perhaps.� �The Academy.� Picard couldn�t help but smile. �He wants to follow in his parents� footsteps, I see.� �When he�s not solving math and physics problems, Wes is always playing with his little starships. He even told me he�s going to be a legendary captain when he grows up.� That thought brought an unexpected sense of warmth. Jean-Luc knew that Jack would undoubtedly be very proud. �But if he does indeed ever join Starfleet, I have a feeling he�d prefer engineering over the bridge.� The two shared a small laugh. Eventually, Picard and Crusher retraced their steps and reached the hotel lobby. Since the captain was staying there as well, he accompanied the doctor until her door came into view. With the slightest hint of awkwardness, Beverly pointed toward her door. �This is it.� �Well, this was� nice.� �Yes, it was. I�m glad we were able to catch up like this.� The moment lingered. Finally Picard said, �I should go.� Beverly nodded. Once he had his back to her, she spoke again, �Jean-Luc�� He turned, met her gaze, and waited. �What do you say we meet for dinner tomorrow night?� Picard didn�t want to be too obvious with his reluctance. �I wouldn�t want to intrude on your time here. I�m sure you have a lot of work to do.� �Don�t be silly. I�d love the company.� After another two seconds or so, he relented. �Alright, dinner it is.� �Great. You can choose the place. Would nineteen hundred do?� �It would do just fine.� �Okay.� �Okay,� he echoed. �Good night.� With one last smile, she disappeared behind her door. Now alone in the corridor, the captain exhaled and replied in a hushed voice, �Good night�� * * * * �Well, that was an improvement on yesterday, even if only slightly.� Beverly looked up as she proceeded to gather her notes. �If tomorrow keeps with the trend, who knows, we might finally get somewhere.� �Want to grab a bite to eat?� �I would love to, but I already have plans.� Stacy was intrigued. �Oh? Do tell.� �It�s not like that.� Beverly chuckled. �I�m just meeting with an old friend.� �Captain Picard?� Crusher nodded. �Well, have fun with the good captain, then,� Stacy teased. �Thanks.� * * * * Beverly rummaged through her clothes, unable to find what to wear. This was a simple dinner date between friends, but she couldn�t see herself showing up with the homely outfits she�d brought along. Knowing how much of a gentleman Jean-Luc was, she highly doubted he would bring her to a sports bar. Her comm unit sounded. Curious, Beverly threw all her clothing back into the large drawer and crossed the room. She activated the small screen and saw the words, �How about Chez Etienne?� Beverly leaned down and entered her response. �That would be wonderful.� �So we�ll meet in the lobby then?� �Sounds like a plan.� With a small chuckle, Crusher thought, Leave it to a Frenchman to pick a French restaurant. Turning back toward the dresser, Beverly scratched her head. �Now I definitely have nothing to wear.� The chronometer by her bed indicated 15:14. If I hurry, I can make it down to the stores and back with time to spare. * * * * Trying to find something that was appropriate but not over-the-top had been somewhat of a challenge, yet Beverly had finally found something she was happy with. In full contemplation of herself, Crusher stood in front of the long mirror that hung behind the door in the bathroom. She smoothed out the fabric of her white, fitted, sleeveless turtleneck sweater and turned slightly sideways. The black pencil skirt that went to just below the knee and the black bumps she wore only served to enhance her long legs. With one final check of her makeup and her hair, which was now up, the doctor took a steadying breath. Okay, let�s go� Clutching a small handbag, Beverly nervously made her way toward the lobby.When she arrived, she looked around and saw that he wasn�t there yet. Self-conscious about just standing there, Crusher walked toward a large decorative fireplace that stood by a small sitting area. As she did so, her soft steps echoed slightly on the marble floors. Dressed in a grey shirt and black trousers, Captain Picard walked toward the lobby. Saying he was nervous was an understatement. He very much feared he wouldn�t be able to completely hide his feelings toward Beverly. The last thing he wanted to do was break the promise he�d made less than four years before. My love for her must forever remain a secret. When he emerged from the corridor into the imposing reception area, Jean-Luc slowed his pace. Turning to his left, he finally saw her. She stood contemplating the painting that hung above the mantle. The warm glow of the fire that swayed back and forth below her only enhanced her gentle profile � it simply took his breath away. Sensing his eyes from across the room, Beverly turned and met his gaze. At first, she remained there, a small smile forming on her lips. Slowly, fully entranced, Jean-Luc started in her direction. The beautiful doctor met him halfway. �You look nice.� Of course, she looked no less than absolutely gorgeous, but the cautious captain couldn�t quite bring himself to say as much. �Thank you. So do you.� Picard blinked a few time. �Well then� shall we?� Beverly nodded and fell into step beside him. * * * * Jean-Luc pulled the chair out for her. �Ladies first.� �Thank you.� The restaurant was quite lovely with the lights turned down low and a small candle atop each of the tables. The waiter quickly came and handed them their menus. As Beverly tried to focus on what she should order, her stare kept wandering over to him. He looked so handsome. Those eyes� Wow, okay. He still had quite an effect on her. �Do you know what you�ll be ordering?� Jean-Luc hadn�t noticed she�d been looking at him. Focusing back on her menu, she shook her head. �I�m not exactly sure.� Finally, the two decided on something and gave their orders to the waiter. Afterward, an awkward silence settled between them. �So�� Beverly said. �So�� �This restaurant is really nice.� �Yes, it is.� Beverly contemplated her dinner companion for a few seconds more. He seemed overly reserved somehow. She couldn�t quite put her finger on it, but he definitely wasn�t at ease. �Thank you for accepting my invitation, by the way. It�s nice to get together like this.� She wanted to gauge his expression after that statement, but didn�t quite get the chance. The waiter had arrived with their bottle of wine. He twisted the cork until it popped out of the bottle and then proceeded to pour the white vintage in their glasses. The doctor lifted her glass. �To renewed friendships,� By the way she looked at him, it was clear how much she wanted to get their friendship back. The shame he felt at having left her so stabbed him anew. He lifted his glass and mustered all his bravery and sincerity. �To renewed friendships.� Their gazes remained locked as they took sips of wine. A few more seconds passed helping to erase some of the heaviness between them. Across the table, Jean-Luc seemed somewhat relaxed for the first time tonight as he smiled, his thoughts drifting. �Remember that time when we all went out to dinner at that little place in Tokyo?� Beverly burst out laughing, but quickly caught herself before she attracted stares. �Oh my god, I�d almost forgotten� the infamous wasabi incident.� The hazel of his eyes now shone warmly as he laughed. �If I recall correctly, the sushi chef had taken great offense when you�d spit the lovely green paste out.� �Do you blame me? I didn�t know it�d be that hot.� In a joking tone, she added, �Plus, I was young and unsophisticated back then.� To both of their delight and relief, the mood between them seemed to be lightening up. �It was hilarious.� �Hmm� we sure had some good times back then.� �We did.� �You know� I really missed you these last few years�� Picard�s gaze lingered and he finally said, �I missed you too�� There it was� the look she hadn�t seen in years. The one he used to give her when he thought she wasn�t looking. Lost in it, Beverly had to remind herself to breathe. More than you could ever imagine� Jean-Luc thought. �Why didn�t you keep in touch?� Not quite ready for that question, Picard hesitated. �I guess� I thought that by seeing me, it would only serve to remind you of the fact that Jack� well�� He couldn�t quite bring himself to say the words �died while serving under him�. That wasn�t the only reason of course, but it was the only one he felt he could share with her. �You haven�t cast out those ghosts yet, have you?� The captain remained silent and took a drink of wine. �You have to let it go.� �It�s not that easy.� �I know it isn�t, but Jack wouldn�t have wanted you to keep carrying this burden all these years.� Putting her hand atop his, she added, �Neither do I.� Looking at her delicate hand, Picard didn�t quite know what to say. She can�t possibly understand� Finally, �Perhaps you�re right.� He wanted to change the subject. She leaned back in her chair. �I know I am.� The food arrived and that particular turn in conversation took a backseat. �Mmm, this is absolute heaven. I wonder if the chef would give me the recipe so that I could make this dish at home.� Beverly lifted another forkful. Jean-Luc chuckled. �Probably not,� �Yeah, I guess that could be bad for business.� The rest of their meal passed in relative small talk as both of them avoided sticky territory. �Dinner was wonderful.� said the doctor. The two now walked on the promenade on their way back to their hotel. �My pleasure.� �So how long will you be on Starbase for?� �Another two or three day perhaps, it�s still pretty up in the air really.� Beverly glanced sideways at him and secretly wished their evening wouldn�t end just yet. He turned and caught her looking at him. When she quickly looked away as though she hadn�t meant for him to catch her, Jean-Luc got the feeling that there was more than met the eye with her. He had to admit however that it was probably useless trying to figure out the mystery that was Beverly Crusher. Especially when he couldn�t figure what was going on in his own head most of the time. When he finally dropped her off, the captain was quite surprised at how he�d been able to enjoy the evening with her without giving up his secrets. Perhaps he should stop fearing spending time with the lovely doctor. If he could keep a tight leash on his emotions, there was no reason he should deny their chance at rebuilding their friendship. * * * * It was official. Beverly was losing faith in this debacle of a conference. As it stood, it was still up in the air if there was actually going to be a meeting the next day. Crusher had just spoken to Janet and Wesley on subspace and was happy to know that things were as smooth as could be. At least things were going good for someone. Having shed her uniform for a casual outfit, Beverly made her way toward the lounge. Not bothering to get a table, she headed straight for the bar. She sat down and smiled as the bartender walked over. �Hello, Miss. What�ll it be on this lovely evening?� �Well, I wouldn�t go as far as saying this is a lovely evening, but a Singapore Sling would be nice.� The bartender chuckled as he took out a glass from underneath the counter. �Rough day, I gather?� �You could say that.� Several seconds later, her drink was ready. �Here you go.� �Thanks.� Although it was synthehol, her beverage was a welcome respite from the horrible day she�d had. Gazing slightly upward at the large screen that hung behind the bar, the doctor tried to get interested in the game of� whatever that was playing. �What�s the score?� asked the familiar deep voice. �As it stands, it�s either winning point for the red team or the blue team.� With a puzzled expression, she said, �To tell you the truth, I don�t really know.� Jean-Luc sat on the stool beside her and ordered a beer. �Not a fan of grav-ball, I presume?� �Not really, no.� The bartender set an unopened beer bottle and glass on the bar. �Here you are, sir.� �Thank you.� Jean-Luc twisted the cap and started pouring. Beverly said, �If my memory serves me right, we met over one of those.� �We did.� He was more than a little surprised that Beverly had remembered that. �So how was your day?� �Good. Productive. You?� She rolled her eyes and gave a disgusted sound. �That bad, eh?� �That and more.� Beverly stirred her drink with her straw. The two shared a laugh and continued their respective drinks. �So tell me about those galaxy-class starships I keep hearing about.� �Well, they�re unlike anything we�ve ever had in the fleet before. They�re going to be really large and will be able to accommodate families.� �I�m sure many parents will jump at the chance to serve on one of those.� �What�s remarkable is that the proposed designs will make it possible for the ships to separate into two sections if the need arises. For instance, let�s say an imminent warp engine breech for example. The drive section could be evacuated, saving the entire crew.� �That�s amazing.� �Would you like to see the blueprints?� �I�d love to.� �In that case, why don�t we finish these and then we can go take a look.� �You�re on.� * * * * Picard opened the door to his suite and let Beverly walk in first. The room was even larger than the doctor�s. Instead of an open floor plan, this one had the bedroom separate from the living and dining area by black French doors with opaque panes of glass. �Make yourself at home.� The captain went to a desk at the far side of the room and retrieved a few padds. Beverly sat on the sofa and waited for him to join her. Picard handed her the padds. �Here.� As she looked over the data, the doctor looked impressed. �Not bad, not bad at all.� �This new direction is going to be good for Starfleet. I can�t wait to see the project get fully underway.� �You must miss it.� He turned to look at her. �Miss what?� �Captaining a starship.� He paused and nodded. �I do, yes. I never really felt as though I belonged planet-side. The stars, the unknown� they run through my veins. Space� it�s sort of my refuge, you know.� Like when you sought refuge on the Stargazer after Jack died� Beverly was fighting an inward battle. He�d never known how she�d run after him that rainy night, desperate for him not to leave, at least, not that way. She fidgeted with her hands and looked down. �Jean-Luc� can I confess something?� Puzzled, he frowned slightly. �Of course, what is it?� �That night� after the funeral� I was there.� His voice faltered. �What?� She looked into his eyes. �I knew you were planning on running away. And for some reason, I felt I had to try and stop you.� She got up, took a few steps away, and continued with her back to him. �I had no idea what I was going to say, but at the time, I didn�t care. When the taxi shuttle dropped me off at Headquarters, I ran as fast as I could through the rain to catch up to you in time. But I was too late� your shuttle was already taking off.� The deafening silence that followed became too much to carry, and so Beverly turned around. Sadness filling his eyes, Jean-Luc stared directly at her. When he finally spoke, his voice could barely be heard. �I had no idea�� Since the can of worms was now open, Beverly thought she might as well say everything that had weighed her down over the years. �I need to know something� were you running away from me?� Jean-Luc looked down at the floor and shook his head. �Beverly, please� don�t.� �What did I do to drive you away?� She felt a lump in her throat as she spoke. He got up from the couch and paced. �I can�t. I just can�t.� �Why?� �Because, dammit!� He closed his eyes and lowered his voice. �I can�t.� �I think it�s more like you won�t.� For that, the captain had no reply. �Even though something is holding you back, in my case, nothing is.� As she felt a surge of courage course through her body, Beverly took a few steps toward him and squared off. �When you left us alone to pick up all the pieces, a part of me thought you were a coward for doing so. And for a long while, I resented you. It�s not something I�m proud to say, but it�s true. We were so close once� for some reason I thought you would be my saving grace, the one that would keep me sane. But instead you bailed on me and left me wondering what in hell had I done to you.� The pain that shone in her eyes was too much for Picard. �You didn�t do anything� I just had to� for you and for Jack.� She laughed sarcastically amid tears. �For me and Jack, really?� �I don�t expect you to understand.� �You�re right. I don�t understand� I need to get out of here.� When she reached the door, she stopped momentarily, but did not look back. �What you�re doing now is no better than when you ran away. And furthermore, this is about you. Not about Jack. Or me.� The sound of the door as it closed hit the captain like a punch in the gut. This was a mistake� But what was the mistake? Letting her back into his life in the first place? Or letting her leave? * * * * When Beverly finally rushed into the sanctuary of her room, she closed the door behind her and then leaned on it. What had just happened had not only been emotionally draining, but it left her with even more questions than she had before. Why couldn�t she just have let the matter drop? Why did she have to churn up all that had been weighing Jean-Luc down? The answer to that was rather simple. After all this time, she was still madly in love with him. She wiped her face free of tears and went to take a shower. But despite her efforts, she couldn�t restrain her emotions. So in the sonic stall, the doctor leaned her forehead against the wall and broke down. * * * * Although she�d regained control over her emotions, by the time she emerged from the bathroom, Beverly felt exhausted. Her hair still damp, she put on a nightgown and went straight to bed. With only the stars to break the darkness, the doctor lay on her back staring up at the ceiling. And so with a million different things going through her mind, time started to tick by. Why does he have to make everything so complicated? � What could be so bad as to make him feel as though he had to run off like he did? � Are you proud of yourself, Beverly? Your friendship is finished� You pushed him away� � Perhaps I shouldn�t have insisted so much� � Why does he have to be so stubborn anyway? � As she turned sideways, Beverly hugged her pillow and took a slow breath. She wanted nothing more than to drift off into a dreamless sleep. But she knew full well that it wasn�t going to happen. Suddenly, the small comm unit on her nightstand chimed. Slowly, she reached out and answered. �� Hello.� �It�s me.� His voice sounded like someone who felt defeated. With her heart beating furiously in her chest, the doctor tried to respond, but wasn�t quite able to. �Beverly?� She still couldn�t bring herself to reply. A few more seconds. �Are you still there?� �Yes.� �Look, I�m sorry about what happened between us earlier�� Over the intercom, she heard him take a steadying breath. �You have no idea� no idea what you do to me whenever I look at you�� With tears starting to once again fill her blue eyes, she listened. �It�s not that I wanted to leave� You have to believe me, Beverly. I felt like I had no choice. I just couldn�t break the promise I�d made to myself� I couldn�t let you know�� �Let me know what?� she whispered. �I couldn�t trust myself around you. I was afraid that if I stuck around, you�d be able to see it� how hopelessly in love I�d fallen with you.� His admission caused her to close her eyes and briefly hold her breath. �I fought it. So much� I felt like I was betraying both you and Jack. I never wanted to hurt you, never. But I did anyway, didn�t I?� �Did it ever occur to you that I felt the same way� that I feel the same way, Jean-Luc?� � Jean-Luc sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. Her last statement had taken him by such surprise that he couldn�t find any words to reply. �Did those feelings scare me sometimes? Sure they did. But I knew that I couldn�t fight them even if I wanted to. And even though I would never have crossed the line so soon after Jack�s death, I didn�t feel the need to distance myself from you either� I needed you. I needed your friendship. So much that it hurt.� �I�m sorry� I wish I could have been there.� �But you still could be.� Picard was overwhelmed. Is she saying what I think she�s saying? He exhaled. Does she know what she�s asking of me? �� Say something.� �If I could, I would, please know that.� �When are you going to realize that you don�t need to punish yourself over this? The only person standing between us right now is you. There�s no need to run this time around. Please� I need to see you� just come over�� �Beverly�� �If you can�t� then I�ll move on, but it will leave us ever wondering if we might have missed out on something special.� Jean-Luc had never felt so torn in his entire life. * * * * He�s not coming� Sitting on her bed, Beverly tried to come to terms with that possibility, for she knew that in all likelihood, he would stay away. A part of her regretted the fact that their friendship might forever be damaged, but at the same time, by not saying anything, she�d have come to regret it too. When she heard a soft knock on the door, Beverly almost jumped. It couldn�t be, could it? Slowly, she made her way to the door and couldn�t resist looking through the small peephole to see who it was. Jean-Luc� She opened the door and saw that he had already turned, ready to leave. He spun back around and looked at her with regret. �I shouldn�t have come.� �No, please� I�m glad you did.� �You are?� he said it more out of puzzlement than as an actual question. With tears threatening to spill forth once again, Beverly nodded. Not even a second later, the captain had closed the gap between them and pulled her in a passionate embrace. As the door closed behind him, Jean-Luc lost all of his self control as he urgently kissed the only woman he ever truly loved. The moment was maddening. Without relenting, the two made their way further and further into the room. When their legs met with the edge of the bed, neither hesitated to fall down on the already disheveled blankets. Jean-Luc�s fingers gently made their way through the now tangled mess that was Beverly�s hair. It didn�t take long for their various items of clothing to be discarded and forgotten. The captain had now banished all forms of conscious thought. Instead, all that filled him were uninhibited, mind-blowing emotions. The night became a blur as he finally fulfilled the desire he�d kept secret for so long. There were very few words exchanged during their lovemaking. They�d called out each other�s names a few times, but that was it. For both of them, it was surreal experience. Finally, the wave of passion passed. Beverly and Jean-Luc held each other as they tried to slow their breathing to a normal pace. Picard lightly traced the soft skin of her upper arm with his fingers as he finally let it sink in that what he�d just shared with Beverly wasn�t a dream. With her eyes closed, the beautiful redhead sighed. �I love you.� He knew she meant it, but at the same time couldn�t quite quell those familiar feelings of guilt he�d lived with for so long. So instead of answering back, Jean-Luc simply kissed the top of her head and closed his eyes. I love you, too� God, what have I done? * * * * The harsh sound of the alarm clock roused Beverly from a deep sleep. With a bit more forcefulness than she�d expected, Beverly slammed her hand down on the small console next to the bed. Finally, the annoying sound went away. Then, the memory of the night before flooded back to her and as she glanced beside her, Crusher found that she was alone. She sat up and brought the blankets up over her chest protectively. Not again� Perhaps she�d been wrong about inviting him over. He hadn�t been ready. But would he ever be? Disappointment� it was the most prominent emotion that filled her at that moment. The love she�d felt from him had been so intense it had deceptively led her to believe that everything would work itself out. She was tired. Not in the real sense of the word, but she was tired nonetheless. More precisely, she was tired of chasing after him. If he couldn�t get rid of the ghosts that haunted him, there was nothing she could do about it. * * * * Now dressed in her uniform, Beverly walked down the hall carrying an old fashioned envelope. Before she reached his door, the doctor hesitated. Was he in there? Should she knock? No, not this time� Slowly, she approached and slid the letter beneath the door. Beverly blinked back tears and walked away. * * * * In the room beyond, the captain sat at the table, a cup of long forgotten Earl Grey in front of him. With his stare lost in the distance, he thought he�d heard something. He turned and saw a white envelope at his door. Numb, he got up and went to pick it up. Tenderly, he touched the delicate handwritten letters that spelled his name. * * * * Not surprisingly, and much to her relief, Beverly arrived at the conference room to find that indeed the rest of the meetings had been cancelled. Good� I can get back home to Wesley now� She didn�t waste any time packing all of her things and heading out to find the next transport out. While she waited for the final boarding call, Beverly couldn�t push the fantasy that he would show up and stop her from leaving out of her mind. But it was nothing but foolish wishful thinking. �The Federation shuttle Blue Horizon bound for Earth will be departing in ten minutes. All passengers please proceed to gate number twelve.� With her bags flung over her shoulder, Dr. Crusher glanced one last time at the waiting area behind her. Of course, the captain wasn�t there. Goodbye, Jean-Luc� * * * * As he made his way down the hall, Beverly�s written words were chiseled in his memory. He�d read and re-read the letter so many times that he doubted he would ever forget what it contained. � Dear Jean-Luc, As I sit here, writing this letter, a million different emotions are soaring through me. I wish I could say that I wasn�t surprised when I awoke to find that you�d gone, but I�d be lying if I did. What I saw in your eyes when you gazed into mine last night took my breath away. A part of me was certain that we�d brought down the stone wall that had always stood between us. But perhaps this was my fault. I might have pushed you beyond a threshold you weren�t prepared to cross. For your sake, that might have been wrong on my part. However, don�t think for one second that I hesitated when it came to sharing what we did. My only regret is that you can�t see what could have been� what could still be� Unlike you, I cannot condemn your love for me, because in doing so I would also condemn the love I feel for you. And I can�t do that� I won�t. I�m sorry that loving me has been such a curse on you. Who knows, perhaps someday you won�t feel that way anymore. Let�s just hope that by that time, it won�t be too late� Take care of yourself, Jean-Luc. I will think of you always� Love, Beverly � Those last words, �Let�s just hope that by that time, it won�t be too late�� cut through him like a knife. The love of his life loved him in return and was hoping for a future with him. But she wouldn�t wait forever. She deserves so much better� In his rational, or rather irrational mind, Picard couldn�t comprehend why she loved him so. Since his room was further up the hall than Beverly�s, Jean-Luc had no choice but to pass in front of it. When he did, he saw a cleaning cart right by the open door. Inside, two janitorial employees were talking as they worked. �You can change all the linens, the woman that was staying here checked out earlier.� Although he was the one that had left her, the realization that she was now gone was still difficult to take. Whatever inkling he might have had to perhaps get enough courage to see her again were pretty much out of the window now. Perhaps it�s for the best� Forcing his mind to focus on work instead, Picard tugged at the base of his uniform and headed for the meeting he was already running late for. * * * * Summer was fast coming to a close in San Francisco. With the return to school just around the corner, all Wesley could do was talk about how much he was looking forward to seeing all his friends in the classroom again. �I hope I�m going to be in Mrs. Cromwell�s class this year. Supposedly, last year, she took the entire class on a field trip to see the museum at Cape Canaveral.� �That�s nice.� Beverly was curled up on the couch, with a book on her lap. �I hope you get your wish.� �Can I stay up �til nine thirty tonight?� �No, sorry, bedtime is at eight thirty sharp.� �Aw, come on, Mom.� �You�re not winning this time, Wes.� The boy shrugged reluctantly. �Okay.� �Now go put on your pajamas and brush your teeth.� �Alright, I guess.� After Wesley was sound asleep in bed, Beverly made her way out to her back patio. She sat and looked up at the night sky. Like they had so many times before, her thoughts drifted to Jean-Luc and that passion-filled night spent with him. His scent, the way he�d breathed out her name, she knew they would never fade from memory. In the eight weeks following her return, Beverly had done her best to come to terms with the fact that it was over. It wasn�t an easy thing to do. �It�s a nice night to sit outside and relax, isn�t it?� The doctor was a bit startled, but when she turned in the direction of the voice, she smiled. �Hi, Shawn.� Shawn Higgins was her new neighbor. He�d moved from Connecticut a few months ago and they would sometimes talk over their backyard fence. �Did you have the day off?� �Yes, but I start again tomorrow morning. You?� He chuckled. �Oh, you know me, always working. I just got another order today. If I want to meet the deadline, I�m going to have to keep up the pace.� �I�m sure you�ll do just fine.� Shawn was one of the few people around who still practiced the art of handmade cabinetry. He�d shown Beverly around his small workshop in the back of his house once. She remembered being in awe of the detail he brought to his work, especially considering he used very rudimentary tools such as hacksaws and hammers. He even sanded everything by hand, which showed in his toned and chiseled arms. Beverly had to admit that her charismatic neighbor was rather easy on the eyes. He had dark hair and brown eyes. At times, he would smile at her with something that hinted that he found her to his liking. But the doctor had never acted as though she�d noticed. She wasn�t over Jean-Luc yet� far from it. Her brain, however, would often scream at her to get over it because he wasn�t going to come back. But each time it did, she fought to keep it quiet. Was it a healthy thing to do? She wasn�t sure. Perhaps it�s time I let go. �I was wondering�� Shawn seemed somewhat nervous. �Would you like to have dinner or something one of these days?� Should I say yes? Just make up your mind, Beverly� It�s just dinner after all� Then why did it feel as though she wasn�t being faithful to Jean-Luc? Why don�t you just get it through your thick head? Jean-Luc doesn�t want a relationship with you. You�re going to blow what could be a perfectly good thing for someone you probably won�t ever see again� When he saw how Beverly seemed to hesitate, Shawn felt sort of stupid for asking. Why would a beautiful, successful doctor want to have dinner with an average Joe anyway? �Sure, why not?� Shawn blinked a few times. �Okay. Cool.� Crusher couldn�t help but laugh softly at his stunned reaction. �Alright well� would Wednesday work for you?� �Wednesday sounds fine.� �Great.� He took a few steps back. �Good night, then.� �Good night.� When she lost sight of him, Beverly leaned her head back and sighed. I can�t wait for you forever� * * * * Saying Beverly felt conflicted was putting it mildly. She�d changed her outfit three times in the past ten minutes. �Oh come on, get it together.� Blowing a stray strand of hair out of her eye, the doctor leaned her head sideways and shrugged. �This will have to do.� Although she didn�t want to look like a slob, Beverly didn�t want to send the wrong signals on her dinner date with Shawn. So she finally chose a purple short sleeved top, black cropped pants and black and white flats. That�s not too much, is it? She was nowhere near ready for anything remotely serious. What am I talking about serious� this is just dinner� We�ll see where it goes from there. Wesley was staying over at Joshua�s once again, so that took care of the babysitting issue. At least that�s one thing I don�t have to worry about. When the doorbell rang, Beverly quickly smoothed out her hair, put on a bit of lipstick and ran downstairs. The doorbell rang once more. �I�m coming.� �Hi.� Shawn stood with a single flower in his hand. �Hello.� Beverly smiled. �Oh. This is for you.� He handed her the white rose. �Thank you. It�s beautiful. Let me just go put it in some water.� As she walked toward her kitchen sink, she called out, �You can come in if you want.� Shawn stepped inside and glanced around. �You have a very nice home.� �Thank you.� �So I was thinking� how would eating at that little Italian place on Victoria Street sound?� �Sounds great.� Beverly made her way back toward him. �Ready to go?� �Yeah, sure.� * * * * From across the table, Beverly couldn�t help but think how strange it was to see him out of his customary white t-shirts. He�d chosen to wear a grey and black striped shirt with a casual black blazer over it. So he was not only tall, dark and handsome, but well dressed too. Their conversation at dinner was rather pleasant and on a light note. Shawn had a way about him that made people feel at ease. And although Beverly�s thoughts sometimes strayed toward a certain captain, she was still enjoying her evening out with her neighbor. Whatever might come of this, she could at least be certain that she could become good friends with Shawn. He had a keen sense of humor, too. After a particularly funny anecdote, Beverly laughed so hard she had to cover her mouth so as not to be too loud. When she finally stopped laughing, she leaned forward discretely. �We�re going to get kicked out of here if we�re not careful.� Shawn grinned. �Nah, don�t worry. I know the owner.� �Ooh, connections�� She raised her eyebrows in mock admiration and then laughed some more. Higgins couldn�t tear his eyes off the doctor as she laughed. She was so beautiful. After they were done with dinner and several consecutive glasses of synthehol, the waiter approached the table. �So are we all done here?� �Yes, I think we�re done.� Shawn looked at Beverly to make sure she didn�t want anything else. With a raised hand, she signaled that she�d indeed had enough. A few minutes later, the two emerged from the restaurant and started walking down the street. �Would you rather we take a taxi or would you prefer to walk?� Shawn put his hands in his pockets. �Well, seeing how we�re not very far from home and how stuffed I feel right now, perhaps walking wouldn�t be such a bad idea.� �The place does have a mean rigatoni. I feel like I could roll all the way home myself.� For a long while, Crusher and Higgins didn�t say anything. Shawn spoke first. �I have a confession to make.� �Oh?� �Yeah, you see, I was kind of surprised when you accepted my invitation.� With a puzzled laugh, Beverly asked, �Why?� �I don�t know. I guess I just had a hard time imagining someone like you wanting to go on a date with a regular guy like me.� �Do I seem that shallow?� �No, no, that�s not what I meant.� You�re screwing this up, Shawn, way to go. Beverly was more amused than offended. �I guess I�ve just never gone out with anyone like you before. I sort of thought you were out of my league.� �I see.� He laughed. �Just forget I said anything. I�m just digging myself deeper and deeper with each passing sentence.� �That you are.� She tried to keep her demeanor quite serious when she said it. The result of which was the three shades of red that flashed on Shawn�s face. Finally, Beverly couldn�t keep a straight face any longer and she burst out laughing. �I was kidding.� Although he laughed along with her, poor Shawn seemed more than a little relieved. Their houses were now just a stone�s throw away. �I had a great time tonight.� �So did I,� Beverly replied. �Do you think we could do this again sometime?� For some reason, Shawn�s willingness to see her again sent a wave of hesitation through her. It must have been obvious too because he just as soon looked as though he thought he�d stepped into yet another bucket. �I�m sorry. I didn�t mean it in any way to rush you.� �It�s okay.� �No, I�m serious� Look, I understand your situation with your husband� passing� and all and the last thing I want to do is scare you away. I mean it�s�� �Shawn.� Beverly stopped and looked directly at him. �Take a breather, okay?� She took a breath herself. �Look, you�re right. I still have a lot of things to work through and I have to be honest about that or else it wouldn�t be fair to you. But I can�t lock myself in my house and feel sorry for myself. Tonight was a nice change of pace.� He seemed much more at ease now. Beverly continued, �And although I�m nowhere near ready for anything serious right now, I�d really like to get to know you.� �Yeah?� �Yeah.� She smiled and rolled her eyes. �Now good night.� She started toward her house with a soft chuckle and a shake of the head. �Good night.� He watched as she opened her front door and walked in. Once it had closed behind her, Shawn took a breath and nodded to himself. Well, that wasn�t so bad after all� * * * * If one relied on the old Earth calendar instead of standard Starfleet stardates, it was now nearing October. The plans for the new generation of Starfleet vessels were now well into development. At the Utopia Planetia Shipyards, they were negotiating whether or not the flagship was going to be built there. The planned construction of the massive 42-deck new flagship that was to be named after the legendary Enterprise was expected to commence sometime the following year. The ship would take a long time to build, but if she was going to be anything like what was being said, the wait would be worth it. After he�d spent a few days at the shipyards for the negotiations, Picard packed up his belongings for his upcoming stint at headquarters. There were a lot of odds and ends to tie up in this project and he�d been requested to report to Command for a series of briefings. If he was to articulate how he felt at the moment, he would have said that he was scare out of his wits. After all, Medical was located in the same general complex as Command and the possibility of running into Beverly again was very real. Not a day had gone by without him thinking of her. She�d not only haunted his waking hours, but his dreams as well. He was disgusted at himself for having hurt her again. She hadn�t deserved it. A part of him really wanted to see her again, but how could he? Not after what he�d done to her� But her letter� in it she�d said that she was holding on to the hope that he would someday be able to come back to her� that is if he wasn�t too late. Could it be too late? Dammit� There it was again, that stubborn train of thought that compelled him to go see her. * * * * �He finally fell asleep.� Beverly stepped out on to the front porch where Shawn sat on the steps, a beer in his hands. �That was quick.� Beverly took her place right next to him and closed her sweater tighter around herself. �Well, I had leverage. I told him he couldn�t go with Joshua and his family to Disneyland tomorrow if he tried to stall tonight.� �He seems like a really good kid.� �He is.� He gestured toward the small pack of beer at his feet. �Want one?� The doctor made a face. �No thanks. I don�t think I�ll ever drink that stuff again.� Of course, Shawn would probably think she was referring to a nasty hangover, instead of the memories it sparked. Like the first time she�d met Jean-Luc or even that night before the funeral out on that hill top. �Suit yourself.� Shawn and Beverly had gone out another couple of times these last few weeks, although they had yet to up the ante. Their time spent together reflected more of a friendship than anything and Shawn wasn�t sure when the doctor would be willing to take things a step further. �You�re really beautiful, you know that?� Beverly gave a small laugh. �Thanks.� When she turned to look at him, his gaze stopped her in her tracks. Tentatively, Shawn leaned forward and kissed her softly. At first, Beverly responded. But then an all too familiar face invaded her mind. So she pulled back. �I can�t� I�m sorry.� Shawn let out a breath and lowered his head. Way to go Shawn. Back up at Beverly, he smiled apologetically. �It was too soon. Forgive me.� Crusher put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. �There�s nothing to forgive. This isn�t your fault� It�s mine really. Everything is such a complicated mess for me at the moment.� She shook her head and exhaled. �Perhaps it�s time I gave you the explanation you deserve.� �You don�t have to. I know how much you must still be grieving the loss of your husband.� �I am� but that�s not the only thing. Perhaps I should have told you sooner, but not too long ago� there was someone else.� He took her hand in his, so as to get her to go on. �He�s an old friend� or rather was an old friend. To say that what we had was complicated would be a major understatement. But I honestly thought that we would be able to get past all of that.� She shrugged. �I guess being in love with me was too much for him. He couldn�t accept his own feelings and so nothing ever came out of it.� �I�m sorry to hear that.� �Yeah well, I�ve been trying to put it all behind me, but I haven�t had the best of luck.� �If you ask me, it was a major mistake on his part. Any man would be lucky to have you.� Beverly lowered her gaze. �Come here.� Shawn then wrapped his arm around her shoulder and brought her closer to him. �Look, the last thing I want to do right now is further complicate things for you. So if you want, we could just stay friends and perhaps in the future� who knows?� �Thanks, Shawn. You�re a good friend.� * * * * Further down the street, a familiar battle played itself out in the mind of a certain captain. Still unsure whether he�d get up the nerve to go see her, Picard had walked all the way from his temporary apartment. The now-worn envelope in his hands was a strong reminder of what might still be waiting for him. But then, he stopped dead in his tracks. For just up ahead was Beverly�s house and the sight that was playing out on the front porch made him feel as though his heart was being ripped out of his chest. There she sat, her head leaning against the shoulder of another man. I�m too late� �You stupid fool, Jean-Luc,� he whispered as he couldn�t quite keep from looking away. Amid his pain, the captain still marveled at how bewitchingly beautiful she was. You have to stop that now� Finally, reluctantly, he turned and started to walk away. He was not only disappointed, but he was furious at himself. He�d let go of the one good thing in his life and now he could never get her back. It was really over. If that was what you really wanted, then why aren�t you relieved right now? His answer to his own question was heartbreakingly obvious. � Because I was never going to get over her in the first place� * * * * That night, Picard found the solitude of his apartment to be nothing short of unbearable. He was angry, not toward Beverly� never toward Beverly� he was angry at his utter lack of courage that had cost him the love of his life. He picked up an empty tea cup and squeezed it so tightly he thought for sure it was going to shatter in his hand. With slight tremors coursing through him, it took all he had not to hurl the small ceramic object clear across the room. With a series of breaths that were not as calming as he�d hoped, the captain finally set the cup back down with barely contained force and headed for a nearby chair. When he sank into it, Jean-Luc felt like he�d hit the lows of lows. What am I going to do now? Am I supposed to pick up the pieces? What if there are too many? A single tear fell on his cheek, but his face remained an almost blank stare, except for the flash of pain that found its way to his eyes from time to time. �Dammit�� He leaned his head in his hands and hoped to hell that his heart would someday stop aching so. But he knew� That�s never going to happen. * * * * Picard was eager to conclude the business that kept him at Command, for he didn�t want to accidentally run into Beverly. He knew that if she saw him again, it would only cause her pain. She�d moved on and didn�t need further complications. This last meeting had been deathly long and he was now itching to just get the hell out of there. There was a lot of coming and going in that particular section of the complex today. Jean-Luc made his way toward a turbolift and waited for it to arrive. When the doors opened, there were already two people in it. Quietly, he made his way toward the corner of the lift and stated his destination. The ride seemed interminable. Then as the lift once again slowed, he looked at the little console next to the door and saw that he wasn�t yet at his intended destination. Once the doors finally opened, he froze. With a stack of work padds in her hands, Beverly stood by one of her colleagues in full conversation. �While you go get the test results from the lab, I�ll take these down to my office for further analysis.� completely oblivious to the fact that her former lover was in the lift as well, Crusher walked in. �Level two.� �Level five,� added her companion. �I�ll contact you with the results as soon as I get them.� The lift resumed and the captain found that he didn�t know quite where to look. As hard as he tried not to stare at her, he had a difficult time looking away. She stood on the other side of the lift, a little further toward the door, her back slightly to him. For the second time since he�d embarked, the lift slowed once more. This time, it was to let off the first occupants. As they left, Beverly quickly cast a glance sideways and that�s when it happened. Stunned beyond comprehension at seeing her old flame, the doctor dropped all her padds on the floor. �Are you okay?� asked her colleague. Trying not to look as though she�d just seen a ghost, Beverly quickly bent down to pick up her mess. �I�m fine. Clumsy is all.� Oh my god� Am I hallucinating? She wanted to look back up, but was nearly paralyzed by shock. Then as she frantically tried to pick up the last of the work padds, a pair of familiar hands came into view, extending one of the padds toward her. When she slowly lifted her gaze, Crusher saw that Jean-Luc had knelt down and now looked straight into her eyes. �Thank you.� Her voice came out shakier than she�d intended. The captain nodded, but said nothing. Neither one of them wanted to make it obvious that there was more going on here than met the eye. So, they both got up and tried to look toward the door. Now that the lift had reached level five, it stopped once more. �I�ll contact you in a little while,� the colleague said as he exited. When the doors closed once again, Beverly and Jean-Luc finally turned to look at one another. The moment hung so heavy between them that neither could find the words to speak. The ride between levels five and two passed by so quickly that before they knew it, the lift doors opened again. This time, nobody moved to get out. �Please state your next destination.� Beverly wanted nothing more than to shut that annoying automated voice up before it could once again repeat itself. So she gave her command. �Computer, close lift doors and hold.� The computer did as requested, leaving the two face to face for the first time since that fateful night. �What are you doing here?� Her voice seemed fragile. He had a sad look about him. �I�ve been wrapping up final details for those new ships we�re going to build.� �I see.� She looked down, disappointed. A part of her had thought that perhaps he�d come back for her. Don�t kid yourself, Beverly� The last thing she wanted to do at that exact moment was lose control over her emotions but it was happening nonetheless. As the sting of tears started to creep up on her, Beverly blinked a few times and averted her gaze. �I�m sorry. I just wasn�t expecting to see you.� �I understand.� Considering his misinterpretation of what he�d witnessed on her porch, he tried to be sensitive. �The last thing I wanted to do was to cause you any pain. If I could have avoided running into you like this�� But it blew up in his face. Crusher scoffed. �Twist the knife in the wound, why don�t you?� �Twist the knife in the wound? I was simply trying to be considerate.� �Considerate?� She laughed out of incredulous anger. �I�m afraid I don�t see it. What part of saying you didn�t want to see me do you find considerate?� �That�s not what I meant.� He shook his head out of frustration. �You�re twisting everything around.� �Well, thank you for saying so,� she spat back. Jean-Luc closed his eyes and exhaled sharply. This is not how I imagined it would go. �Beverly, please just listen� Of course I wanted to see you again, but seeing how you were moving on with your life, I didn�t want to set you back.� �What are you talking about? Moving on with my life? Jean-Luc, you have no idea, absolutely none, about what�s been going on with me and how I�ve been stuck with this idea of us in my head.� �I don�t understand�� �You clearly don�t, no.� Her temper barely contained, all Beverly wanted to do was get out of there. �Computer open doors.� The empty corridor of level two revealed itself and the doctor stepped out. �But I thought I saw�� Exasperated, Crusher spun around and put her hand against the side of the door so it wouldn�t close. �Saw what? You�re not making very much sense at the moment, I hope you know that.� With none of the earlier frustration evident, Jean-Luc looked at her and spoke in a low voice. �I saw you� with him.� �Wha�� Her anger erased itself in a fraction of a second to be replaced just as soon by confusion and then sinking clarity. In the worst of all possible timing, her communicator chirped. �Dr. Kiyooka to Dr. Crusher.� Beverly was frozen in place, her blue eyes locked on to his. A few seconds passed. �Dr. Kiyooka to Dr. Crusher. Respond?� The doctor blinked back tears and tapped her communicator. �Crusher here.� �Doctor, the test results are back and if they�re right, you definitely need to see them immediately. I�ll bring them down to your office right away.� �Fine, I�ll see you shortly. Crusher out.� Just to make sure she understood what he was referring to, she asked, �When?� �Last night.� He barely managed to keep his demeanor in check. �I wish the timing for this conversation could be better.� She shook her head and rubbed her forehead tiredly. �We really need to have a talk about all of this, because clearly we�re both jumping to conclusions here. Please� say you�ll meet me later?� her eyes were begging. Jean-Luc simply nodded. �Alright, good.� She wiped her eyes. �Let�s say my place� at around eight?� �I�ll be there.� �I really hope so� okay well�� She took a steadying breath then turned and walked away. * * * * After the crushing blow he�d received the night before, Jean-Luc didn�t know what to think, what to feel. His mind lay in a tangled mess of hope, regret, confusion and most of all, crippling fear. What would Beverly say to him? She�d said that she�d been clinging to the idea of them� did that mean she still wanted a relationship with him? If she did, what would he do? Seeing her with that man� it had felt like salt on an open wound. To say that it was a wake up call would be more than accurate. The regret he�d felt afterward seemed to overshadow the doubts that had plagued him. There are too many unknowns here to assume anything, Jean-Luc. The letter that had served as his last link to her for what seemed like such a long time rested on the table before him. He�d read it so many times that even her delicate handwriting would be forever imprinted to his memory. Just like so many other things about Beverly Crusher he could never forget. But if one thing was certain, whatever their decision, whatever the outcome, he would not back down from at least seeing her. He would not be that coward anymore. It would not make up for leaving her like he had, but it was better than nothing. * * * * Picard climbed the steps that led up to her front door. Although there were only four of them, there might as well have been a hundred. Tentatively, he reached up and rang the doorbell. His was such a mess he could barely stop himself from fidgeting. Funny, he thought. There he was, the likely future captain of the fabled U.S.S. Enterprise, being conquered by nerves as he waited to see the lovely doctor again. The door finally opened, and when it did, Jean-Luc had to remind himself to breathe. �Hi.� Beverly smiled sadly at him. �Please come in.� The scene unraveling between them very much reminded him of the night he went to her room. Of course, back then, he hadn�t wasted any time in pulling her to him, but he wouldn�t do so tonight. This was different. Their situation was different. Or was it? In any case, he wasn�t yet certain of where things lay between them and he would be more cautious this time around. He closed the door behind him and asked, �Is Wesley home?� �No, he�s gone to Disneyland for the weekend.� With a nod to her left, she started walking. There would be no pleasantries this time around. No �would you like a drink� or anything like that. Beverly was eager to get this long overdue conversation started and she wasn�t going to beat around the bush. Recognizing his cue, Jean-Luc followed her to the living room where they sat face to face separated by a coffee table. Carefully, the doctor pondered exactly what she should say. �Before anything else, I�d just like to apologize for how I reacted in the turbolift this afternoon.� �Well, I sort of jumped the gun myself.� The two smiled ruefully. They both could be hotheads at times, which in itself resulted in a strong potential for volatile fireworks. But then again, that did keep things interesting. Beverly could get directly to the point if she wanted, and in doing so could answer the captain�s questions about what he�d witnessed the night before. But instead, she chose a different route. He�d kept her wondering on many things often enough, and this was her chance to reverse the roles. �For the sake of speculation, if you hadn�t seen what you saw� would you have gone through with it? Would you have knocked on my door, or would you have simply kept walking?� �To be honest, I�m not sure.� He lowered his gaze. �But I�d like to think that I would�ve knocked.� �It�s always easier to want what you can�t have� and a part of me can�t help but wonder if that last statement wasn�t inspired by jealousy.� �I was jealous, yes. Seeing you with him� it wasn�t easy. I thought you�d moved on and I didn�t want to intrude on your life once again. But you have to believe me when I say that I was truly leaning toward seeing you.� Jean-Luc reached into the inside pocket of his jacket, took out the letter, and set it on the coffee table between them. �Your own words kept pulling me in your direction and I don�t know if I would have been able to ignore them.� �You wanted to see me again, yet you were still resisting.� �I wish I could say I�ve banished all my demons, but I�d be lying if I did.� �Demons don�t have to be fought alone, Jean-Luc. Sometimes all you have to do is meet someone halfway and let everything else settle on its own.� At that, the captain wasn�t sure what to say. So Beverly continued, �The weight of your burden, it wouldn�t be so heavy if you�d be willing to share the load.� Her voice lowered. �I would have been there for you.� �I know�� As he thought back to one specific line in her letter, Jean-Luc looked at her so she would know he meant every word. �I�m sorry if I made you feel like you�d been a curse to me� I don�t ever want you to feel that way again. Whatever doubts existed, they only did in my own mind and you had nothing to do with that� You�re a wonderful woman. Caring and generous, anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives. You�re not my curse, far from it. You�re a blessing, Beverly.� As she let each of his words etch itself in her mind, the doctor�s eyes filled with tears. She had to let him out of his misery. �Shawn and I are just friends� He�s my neighbor and although we did go on a few dinner dates, nothing ever came of it. I told him I wasn�t ready to be romantically involved with anyone, not as long as I�d be carrying someone else in my heart� you�� Hearing her say that brought a sense of relief so profound, Picard couldn�t help but breathe out slowly. Beverly couldn�t leave it there however. There was still a huge issue between them. �But even as I say that� we�re still at a crossroads, aren�t we? The love is there and I�m fully willing to commit to it� but are you?� Before he could answer, she added, �Because I don�t want to wake up alone anymore. Losing you twice was hard enough. I don�t think I could handle going through it all over again. All I�m asking of you now is that you think about it long and hard. I don�t want a half-hearted answer. I need a definite one.� She got up from the sofa and walked around the coffee table. When she reached his chair, she bent down and brushed her lips against his. With her eyes still closed, she pulled back slightly. �I just wanted to remind you of what�s at stake here� We have a lot to lose.� The look she gave him as she got up was one filled with a vulnerability he had seldom seen in her. It was her way of reinforcing just how much she wanted this. Finally, she turned and walked out of the living room. Beverly knew that the captain wasn�t type of person who would lead her on. Faced with a decision, he would make it clear cut. Therefore, her ultimatum could prove to be just as fruitful as it could be disastrous. If he chose to leave now, it would be the end of the road for them. And seeing how he was still struggling within himself that was a very real possibility. Her throat dry, the doctor made her way to the replicator. She ordered a glass of water and downed it. When she went to put her glass on the counter, her shaky disposition caused her to lean on it for support. Oh god� what if he leaves again� Loving someone so much while in the grasp of such uncertainty was not only agonizing, but terrifying. One thing is certain. I would never be able to forget him. Never� With her eyes closed, she couldn�t put that night out of her mind. The way he�d held her, the way he�d kissed her. The possibility of never being with him again was something she had a difficult time coming to terms with. She didn�t want to. She couldn�t. Beverly�s train of thought was suddenly interrupted as she felt his hands on her arms. When she felt his breath on her ear, she couldn�t quite contain a gasp as a tear fell on her cheek. �I�m not going to leave you� Not this time, not ever�� She was speechless. The relief she felt was so fierce it leveled the last barriers of her self control. Quietly, she succumbed to the urge to cry. �I love you so much, Beverly� so much.� Slowly, the redhead turned and met his gaze which was filled with something she�d seldom seen before. For instead of guilt-laced love, there was only determination and promise. And at that moment, she knew� They�d made it. �I love you, too.� her voice quivered. His lips pressed firmly against hers. The feelings they felt for one another, which had been so long repressed, came bursting out like a raging torrent. Both held on to the other as if their very lives depended on it. Pressed up against the counter, Beverly surrendered fully to him. Slowly, she tilted her head back and sighed as he lightly traced his kissed down from her ear to her collarbone. In turn, she dug her fingers down his back and finally clutched the fabric of his jacket, desperate to hold on. As the passion between them grew and grew, all the doubts, fears and past disappointments faded into oblivion. He was now hers, she was now his. That�s how it was supposed to be. * * * * Seeing they�d made love well into the night, both Beverly and Jean-Luc slept late into the morning. When she woke up still nestled in his arms, Beverly breathed a sigh of contentment. She hadn�t felt this happy, this whole, in years. Silently, she watched him sleep. Gone were the signs of worry that so often marked his features. With the side of her hand, Beverly lightly caressed his cheek. Her touch was so light it caused him to stir but did not wake him. Finally, she did what she could no longer resist to do. She roused him out of his sleep with a lingering kiss. Of course, as soon as his mind told him that he was not dreaming, Jean-Luc fully returned the kiss, deepening it. Breakfast would have to wait this morning, for they still had a lot of catching up to do. * * * * After they�d showered, together of course, Jean-Luc made his way to the kitchen where he ordered their coffee. Since Beverly still wasn�t ready, he decided he�d go wait for her on the back patio. It was a nice day outside. As he sat down, he brought his coffee cup to his lips and took a sip. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught some movement. Next door, a man was hauling wooden planks out of the back of his flyer. And then he recognized him. It was Shawn, the man Beverly had briefly dated. It only took about a second for the neighbor to notice the man sitting on Beverly�s patio. It has to be him� thought Shawn It was an awkward moment, but both handled it well. A curt nod in the other�s direction signaled their understanding of the situation. Then Beverly came out and immediately saw her neighbor. Shawn seemed to freeze briefly in place, but then he smiled sadly and continued neatly stacking the wood next to his workshop. When she sat in the chair opposite Jean-Luc�s, the doctor seemed to feel bad. Confident in the love they shared, the captain put his hand atop hers. �I�m going to go order some breakfast. I�ll call you once it�s all ready.� �Okay.� She smiled in recognition of what he was trying to do. Once Jean-Luc was back in the house, Beverly descended the steps of her patio and headed for the fence. When Shawn saw her, he immediately stopped what he was doing and made his way toward her. �That�s him, isn�t it?� he smiled sadly in respectful resignation. Beverly nodded. �We�ve managed to work things out.� �Good� that�s good.� �Thank you� for everything.� �Hey, don�t mention it.� �You�re a great guy, Shawn.� �Not great enough though,� he teased. �No, really� I�m happy for you.� �It means a lot to hear you say that.� �Just one thing though� he better not break your heart again.� �He won�t. Not this time.� With his sad smile still in place, Shawn winked at her and nodded as he retreated back toward his flyer. Beverly watched him as he walked away and then turned back toward the house. * * * * Zooba-World was pretty crowded. It was no wonder. It was, after all, the prime entertainment spot for the kids of San-Francisco. Wesley loved it when his mom took him there. With all the games, video-simulators and so forth, there was no way he could get bored. �Mom! Can I go on the Delta Quadrant Adventures simulator?� Beverly laughed. �Go have some fun.� �Yeay! Thanks, Mom!� Before Crusher was able to sit down on a nearby bench with her soda in hand, her son was already totally focused on piloting his simulated battle craft. Things had seemed like a whirlwind these past two weeks. She and Jean-Luc were making great strides in their relationship. With each passing day, their bond seemed to get stronger and stronger as well as the knowledge that things were finally as they should. Only one barrier remained between them. And that was the slow introduction of the captain into the life of her son. It was something that she didn�t want to rush. Not for Wesley�s sake, nor for Jean-Luc�s. In one of their private moments spent together late one night when Wes was asleep, the captain had confided in her that he was more than a little nervous about how things would go once her son would know about them. It took some reassurance on her part to calm his fears. She�d told him to take his time and that everything was going to be okay. So today was going to be the start of that process. He was going to meet them here, which was pretty neutral territory. Speak of the devil� As Jean-Luc spotted her from across the complex and made his way over. He looked somewhat jittery, but determined nonetheless. �Hello,� he finally said as he walked closer. �Hi.� She smiled and nodded in the direction of the dual simulator. �Wes is playing some sort of space war. The game can be played by two players and as you can see� there�s an empty seat next to him.� Picard looked toward the simulator and took a steadying breath. �Wish me luck.� �You�ll do fine.� Wesley was fully entranced in the game. He�d just annihilated an entire armada of enemy ships but now faced the evil mother ship. Avoiding incoming fire was very tricky and despite making a great show of it, his little craft just wasn�t good enough. The simulation ended as the screen showed a huge explosion that signaled his demise. �Aaah, man!� �Sometimes, you can gain a significant strategic advantage in a battle if you increase your numbers,� Picard said as he leaned his palm on the back of the simulator. Wesley turned and smiled in surprise when he saw who stood beside him. �Captain Picard!� �You need some help to fight the enemy?� The boy had always kept a fond admiration for the man who had been captain on his father�s ship. Very much awestruck, he answered, �Sure.� Nervously, Picard got in the other simulator seat. �It�s been a while since I was in battle, but I think we can take those aliens on.� �I�ve just equipped my spacecraft with an ultra-plasma siletic output weapon. If you can just watch my back, I�ll blow that mother-ship to smithereens.� �Aye, aye, Sir,� answered the captain. From the sidelines, Beverly watched as the two really got sucked into their simulator game. Gone was the awkwardness as both her son and the new man in her life played like� well� children. Boys� She took a sip of her soda and then sighed in contentment. Everything was going to fall into place very soon. She knew it. * * * * Three years later� �She�s beautiful, isn�t she?� Beverly wrapped her arms around Jean-Luc�s shoulders as she, too, gazed out of the viewport in one of Eutopia Planetia�s vacant observation lounges. The smooth curved lines of the Enterprise-D were mesmerizing. After so much time as a mere dream, she was now reality. �And she�s couldn�t have a better captain.� Beverly looked sideways at him. Picard covered her hand with his. �I still can�t believe she�s ready to ship out.� The two looked back toward the new flagship, very much still in awe. * * * * �And there she is.� Tasha Yar, lieutenant and soon to be security chief of the U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701-D, maneuvered the shuttle so that it would align perfectly with the large shuttlebay doors. It had been so long since the loss of the Stargazer that the captain still couldn�t quite believe that the time to once again explore the galaxy had arrived. Effortlessly, the shuttle glided in and landed. As his feet finally touched the deck, Picard felt that he was home. �Captain on the ship,� said Yar. At attention, in a straight line just up ahead, waited some of his senior staff. First, there was Lieutenant Commander Data, the first android ever to serve in Starfleet. Directly next to him stood a Klingon, Lieutenant Worf, and then there was Deanna Troi, ship�s counselor. Last but not least was his chief medical officer, Commander Beverly Picard, his wife of three years. The captain nodded. �At ease.� In the far corner of the shuttlebay stood the rest of his family, the now teenaged Wesley Crusher, who had become as close to him as though he was his own son. And by his side, holding his big brother�s hand stood Jerome. At two and a half years old, Jerome Picard was the baby of the family. He was the spitting image of his mother, but even at such a young age, had the same air of confidence as his father. When Picard looked at his wife, she smiled. �Welcome aboard, sir.� He smiled in turn. �Thank you, Doctor.� This was going to be some adventure, seeking out the unknowns of the galaxy in the flagship of the Federation, the whole family in tow. The End Library |