| Released May 7th 2008 Long Long Way to Go by Missbevcrusher Rated [PG] |
Disclaimer: Paramount owns them, I�m just filling in the huge blanks they left us with. Please note: my reference to the Maxia sector does not involve the incident in the Maxia zeta system where the Stargazer was lost. The reason it is mentioned is because various reference sources indicate that the morgue scene in the episode �Violations� took place on Starbase 32, which is located in that particular sector. I thought I�d mention this so as to avoid confusion. This story has been inspired not only by the song Long Long Way to Go by Def Leppard, but also by the following excerpt: � �I envy you�it took both Jack and me forever.� �And you and the captain fifteen years.� Thinking back to the days following Jack�s death, Beverly thought, There�s an argument to be made that it�s more like twenty.� �Keith R.A. DeCandido, Q&A * * * * The night sky was heartbreakingly beautiful. So many twinkling stars adorned the jet black scenery, that their numbers seemed infinite. Wrapping her short bathrobe more securely around her slender frame, Beverly looked up. Her deep blue eyes filled with tears, her breathing quivered. Why did you leave like this? Finally, she sank down on the long covered bench located near the French doors that led to the inside of her house. Before bringing her knees up, the young widow reached toward the glass of brandy that lay atop the small table in front of her. With her forehead resting on the inside of her palm, she finally succumbed to the tears. The barriers she�d desperately tried to hold all day crumbling like a deck of cards. How could her life change so drastically, so dramatically, so fast? In the stillness of the night, only one sound floated in the soft, cool breeze. The sobs of a young woman who felt more alone than she ever thought was humanly possible. * * * * Less than a week before� �Uh-uh, not too much chocolate on that sundae. Understood, Wesley?� �But I love chocolate,� replied the witty five-year-old. With a gentle pinch of to his cheek, Beverly smiled. �I know you do. But too much of it isn�t good for you.� Shrugging, the little tyke took his spoon and dug it in the ice-cream as though it was a shovel. Beverly got up to bring her now-empty bowl to the dispenser, but not before playfully ruffling her son�s brown hair. When she got to the counter, the young mother glanced out the large window overlooking her front yard. The weather outside was so nice that she contemplated bringing Wesley to the park after he finished his dessert. Just before she went to turn around, something caught her eye. Curious, she saw a flyer stop and land right in front of her house. When her eyes caught the Starfleet insignia on the side of the craft, Beverly frowned in concern. �What is it, Mom?� �Just a minute.� When she saw the two men in full dress uniform get out of the flyer, her heart sank. She shook her head numbly as she made her way to the front door. Her voice was a mere whisper. �No�� She opened it and waited for the two officers to climb the steps of her front porch. �Are you Beverly Crusher?� With tears already forming in her eyes, she nodded slowly. Looking uncomfortable, the man handed her a padd and simply said, �I�m really sorry, Ma�am.� �No, it can�t be�� Breaking down, her voice took on a more desperate tone. �It just can�t� Jack�� Sitting at the table, eyes wide, a little boy watched as his mother�s world came crashing down around her. * * * * One by one, close friends and family members from Jack�s side of the family filed into the house. While some did their best to comfort the distraught widow, others took on the job of taking care of Wesley. The poor kid, he barely understood what was going on around him. His mother had told him that something had happened to his daddy. When he�d asked her when he was coming home, her response had been that he wasn�t. He didn�t completely understand why his mom had said that, but a part of him knew that things would never be the same again. At some point, he saw his Aunt Jennifer talking with Nana Howard on the comm unit. The only thing he was able to make out was his great-grandmother saying how grateful she was that they�d called her and to tell Beverly that she�d be there as soon as possible. * * * * That night, Jack�s sister stayed over to help out. Having put Wesley to bed, she quietly made her way downstairs. Beverly was there, talking with a Starfleet official on the small comm. unit in the living-room. �The Stargazer is expected to dock at Starbase 32 in less than twenty hours. From there, his body will be transferred back to Earth for the funeral� I�m really sorry for your loss Mrs. Crusher.� �Doctor Crusher,� Beverly corrected the office out of habit, even though she looked too numb to really care. �I want to go see him.� �If you wish, we can arrange for you to view the body before it�s prepared for burial once it arrives here in San Francisco.� �No, I want to go. I need to see him.� �Of course. I understand. I�ll arrange for a private transport shuttle to take you there. If you leave within the next two hours, you should make it in time for the Stargazer�s arrival.� �Thank you.� �I�ll have someone contact you shortly.� Beverly nodded severed the transmission. She turned and saw her sister-in-law nearby. �I didn�t notice you were standing there.� �I�m sorry. I didn�t mean to eavesdrop� I couldn�t help but overhear, though.� With her cheek resting in her open palm, she said, �That�s okay.� Getting up, she continued, �Jenn, would you mind watching Wesley while I go to see him?� She didn�t have to explain who. With tears in her eyes, the dark haired woman replied, �Not at all, Bev� Go.� �Thanks�� * * * * Once she�d packed all she needed, Beverly changed into another set of clothes. Looking at herself in the mirror, she contemplated her sad demeanor. She looked pale, her skin contrasting sharply against the black outfit she wore. Finally, she went into her son�s room and sat by his bed as he slept. It�s not fair is it, Wes, you growing up without a father. With a gentle kiss atop his head, she whispered, �I�m sorry�� After looking one last time at the sleeping form of her only child, Beverly wondered how she was going to make it as a single parent. * * * * With the shuttle now underway toward the Maxia sector, Beverly leaned her head on the headrest and looked out at the passing stars. In her mind, she could still clearly see the words she�d read on the report Starfleet had given her earlier that day. We regret to inform you� �was lost in the line of duty while serving aboard the U.S.S. Stargazer� �commanded by Captain Jean-Luc Picard� � �Jean-Luc Picard� � That name� with it came a myriad of emotions that she�d never been able to sort through. She�d been introduced to him by her good friend Walker Keel several years prior. He and Jack had been quite close. In fact, aside from working together as captain and first officer, the two were best friends. Over the years, the three of them had spent a considerable amount of time together. So much so in fact, that she too came to think of him as a close friend. But beneath it all, Beverly had always sensed there was something more. As much as she fought it, there was an undeniable attraction between them. And it had been there since the very first day they met. It was something she�d always felt somewhat guilty about, but her sense of rationalization reassured her by reminding her of the fact she would never have betrayed Jack� Shedding that particular train of thought, Beverly focused on her husband� her now deceased husband. It was a fact she couldn�t accept. Not yet. Not until she saw him with her own eyes. * * * * Standing by the large windows overlooking the starbase�s docking bay, Beverly awaited the arrival of the ship that carried her husband�s body. Her eyes were empty. She�d cried so much when she�d first heard the news that, for now, she felt spent. Beyond the thick glass, the doctor saw the large outside doors part slowly. And then, there it was. The Stargazer, looking more beat-up than she�d expected, slowly made its way inside. It was carefully maneuvered toward the airlock situated a little farther down to her left. When it finally connected, the sound of metal locking on metal sent a paralyzing shockwave of finality through her. The wait seemed interminable, unbearable even. Finally, tired-looking crew members started emerging one by one. Some of them she�d met casually, yet most of them still strangers. But for those who knew who she was didn�t feel they had the right to intrude on her pain. So with sadness etched in their features, the most they did was nod respectfully as they passed her. Looking ahead, the flow of crew members emerging from the airlock slowed down to a trickle until it seemed to stop altogether. She couldn�t help to think he wouldn�t come out at all. About to turn and walk away, movement caught her eye. There he was. His demeanor shocked and saddened her. He looked like a man who�d lost everything he had. Gone was the strong, confident exterior. Seeing the medical implant designed to knit back torn tissue on the side of his face, Beverly couldn�t help but feel concern. The man had clearly been through hell. Picard started walking in her direction, but showed no sign of yet having noticed the redhead. When his eyes finally fixed on hers, his pace slowed considerably. The look he gave her was of regret, sympathy, guilt. There was more, but it was impossible to clearly discern. He�d been unprepared to see her. That was certain. When he finally got to her, there was a moment of heavy silence between them. Finally, he broke it. �Beverly�� His voice low and quivering, he fought to continue, �I�m so sorry�� �Jean-Luc�� Blinking back tears, she closed the gap between them. Hesitating as though he had no right to touch her, Jean-Luc finally wrapped his arms around her. In the now-deserted area of the docking bay, Picard tried to keep the reigns on his emotions as Crusher cried in his arms. * * * * An hour later, Jack�s body had been transferred to the starbase�s morgue. Side by side, somberly, Jean-Luc and Beverly made their way down to the room where Jack lay. Their steps echoed coldly throughout the sterile corridor. As much as he�d preferred she remember him as a he was when he was alive, he wouldn�t let her go through this alone. He couldn�t. �It�s good of you to come with me,� she said. �It�s the least I could do.� Neither could find the strength to look at one another. Instead, they simply kept their gazes forward. Turning to their left, they made their way through the doors that read: Morgue. To their right were a small series of steps, beyond that was the cloth-covered table Beverly�s husband laid. �You shouldn�t remember him like this. You don�t have to do this�� �It�s important to me, I have to see� I have to face the fact if he�s gone.� With a blank expression, Beverly stared at the cloth-covered form and waited until Jean-Luc pulled back the sheet, revealing the body beneath. Taking a step back, Jean-Luc had a hard time facing the scene unraveling before him. Jack�s skin had a grayish tint to it, a large gash visible along the side of his face reaching all the way down the side of his neck. He�s really gone� Only now that she was seeing him with her own eyes did she realize that he wasn�t coming back this time. Her facial expression still empty, a single tear fell down her cheek. Leaning forward, Beverly brushed her lips against his forehead and lost control. �Jack�� Jean-Luc had never felt such despair in his entire life. Nothing he�d ever experienced could have ever prepared him for this moment. He not only bore the guilt over his best friend�s death, but he also bore guilt over falling in love with his wife� the woman who was now grieving the loss of her husband before his very eyes. * * * * Although he didn�t feel as though it was wise, the captain boarded the same private shuttle as the doctor�s for the trip back to Earth. He�d wanted to say no, but when he�d looked in her eyes as she asked him to accompany her, he wasn�t able to deny her request. He�d do anything for her. Sitting in the seat directly facing hers, Picard for the most part kept his gaze on the starscape that passed by. To the side of their shuttle, slightly ahead of them was the transport craft carrying Jack�s body. Fighting the torrent of sorrow that engulfed him, Jean-Luc couldn�t put the image of his deceased friend out of his mind. Only once Beverly had fallen in an exhausted sleep did he let his guard down and regard her sadly. How could he love a woman so much when she was married to his best friend� when she had been married to his best friend? What kind of friend am I? Looking at her lovely face as she slept, the memory of his first meeting with her crept into his thoughts� �You want another beer, Jean-Luc?� �No thanks, Walker. I�m still not entirely done with this last one.� �Suit yourself.� Twisting the cap away from the dark brown bottle, Walker sat down in one of the deck chairs. He looked at another one of his friends who stood by the grill and smiled. �Steve, make sure you don�t burn those steaks. I like mine medium-rare.� �Actually, I was planning on letting yours cook a bit longer than the others. There�s nothing like a good ol� steak that�s as hard as a rubber sole.� �Remind me never to hire you as a cook.� Taking a swig from his bottle, Walker turned his attention back toward Jean-Luc. �You�ve never met Beverly Howard, have you?� �Is she the girl Jack was going on about the other day?� �One and the same.� He shook his head. �You know, I�m starting to wonder when those two will finally figure it out. They�re the perfect match in my opinion.� �Oh, and your opinion counts for a lot, then?� joked Jean-Luc. �Hey, I call it as I see it.� �Yeah, okay.� Looking up at Steve again, Walker frowned. �That jerk�s actually planning on burning my steak. Excuse me for a moment. Hey, Steve! I wasn�t kidding earlier.� Still chuckling, Picard took one final drink of his beer. Getting up to bring his bottle to the outside dispenser, he noticed the most beautiful redhead walking through the gate to the side of Walker�s house. Her hair was long and straight. Tall and slender, she wore a brown and white summer dress. It crisscrossed in the front and had two small straps that tied just behind her neck. Mesmerized, he couldn�t help but take a few steps toward her, both of his hands in the pockets of his cargo shorts. When she noticed him, he smiled and said hello. She smiled back. �Hello.� Looking around, she saw that she didn�t know much of the people gathered at Walker�s BBQ party. �There sure are a lot of people here.� Indeed, there were at least twenty people mingling in Walker�s backyard. �Well, it�s a perfect day for a barbeque.� Somewhat jittery, Picard unknowingly kept shifting his weight from the balls of his feet to his heels. She smiled shyly. �It is, yes.� �Would you care for a beer?� He would have offered her something else, but it seemed to be the only drink Walker had bothered to stock in the large cooler by the fence. �That�d be nice. Thank you.� Taking the bottle from him, Beverly tried to twist open the cap, but it was jammed. Gesturing toward the stubborn cap, Jean-Luc asked, �Uh, do you mind?� �Not at all.� She handed him the bottle and watched as he effortlessly opened it. She took it back then looked at her hands and felt sort of silly for not being able to open it. �Guess I�m not really good at opening beer bottles.� �Nah, actually you loosened it for me.� She snorted. �Of course, I did.� Beverly seemed much more at ease now. Right then and there, Jean-Luc decided to make it a point to get to know this woman more. His attraction to her was strong and immediate. Looking at her, he had a hard time believing how beautiful her eyes were. For a moment, he was certain she�d noticed something in his stare because she, too, was eyeing him with what seemed like interest. Picard cleared his throat and extended his hand. �Oh, the name�s Jean-Luc by the way.� With a small laugh, she shook his hand firmly. �Well, nice to meet you, Jean-Luc.� �There you are. I was wondering when you�d get here.� �Oh, hi Walker.� Turning to Picard, he said, �I see you�ve met the lovely Beverly Howard.� �Beverly Howard?� He seemed to stumble on the name. Incredible disappointment filling his very being he tried to regain his composure. �Yes, I guess I have.� For the briefest of moments, Beverly seemed to notice the change in his disposition. Oblivious to what had just transpired, Walker took the young beauty by the arm. �Hey, there�s something I want to show you. Remember that plant you said would look nice by the patio?� As Walker led Beverly away, he never noticed how she�d looked back over her shoulder at Jean-Luc� an enigmatic look he�d never been able to completely figure out� As much as he�d been a part of both Jack and Beverly�s lives after that fateful day, he�d never gotten over the fact that he�d fallen so stupidly head over heels for a woman he could never have. At times, he even found himself wishing he�d never met her that day. But as soon as those thoughts invaded him, he would force them back to the far reaches of his mind. A part of him couldn�t imagine not ever meeting her. However, that lmeeting had indeed turned his life upside down in a way he didn�t know how to fix� He�d been doomed to watching in silent envy as his best friend developed a relationship with her� eventually marrying and having a child together� Wesley� The thought of him growing up without a father� of Beverly having to raise him alone� seemed only to add the drop that finally caused the glass to overspill. He dreaded seeing him, looking into his eyes and realizing exactly how much Jack had left behind. Finally tearing his eyes away from the doctor�s sleeping form, he looked back toward the transport shuttle beside them and wished he was the one lying in the coffin it carried. * * * * On the large tarmac landing field near Starfleet Headquarters, Beverly and Jean-Luc stood together, waiting for Jack�s body to be brought out of the shuttle. Several members of the Stargazer�s crew had also made the journey to Earth for the funeral that was to be held later that week. Standing at attention in two rows at the back of the craft, they waited somberly for the large door to open. Slowly, it did, revealing the flag-covered casket inside. With the wind whipping strands of her hair on the side of her face, Beverly swallowed the lump she now felt in her throat. Fierce determination kept her from breaking down. She wanted to be strong� she knew she needed to be, if only for the little boy who waited for her at home. With care, the officers proceeded to remove the coffin from the craft. Then lifting it up over their shoulder, they slowly made their way toward the large building just up ahead. Watching the scene unfold, Picard felt numb. Desperately wanting to seek shelter from everything that was happening, it took everything he had not to turn around and walk way. Once the procession had disappeared behind closed doors, Beverly looked to her right at the members of Jack�s family who stood in the distance, most of them in tears. Turning to look at the captain, she was startled to see he wasn�t standing next to her anymore. Back over her shoulder, she could see him walking briskly away, his head low. Beverly didn�t hold it against him. After all, if anyone was having as hard a time with all this as she was, it was him. * * * * Walking through her front door, the first thing Beverly saw was her grandmother sitting at the table, a cup of tea before her. �Nana�� Getting up, the old woman crossed the room over to her granddaughter and held her. �I�m sorry, Beverly.� �I�m glad you came.� �I wouldn�t have let you go through this alone, dear. I know what it�s like to lose the man you love.� �Thank you, Nana.� * * * * Arranging the funeral turned out to be even more grueling than Beverly had thought. Even though Starfleet was taking care of a lot of details, there was still much to go over, and considering her present state of mind, the task wasn�t easy. After making her way up to her bedroom, Beverly closed the door behind her to muffle the voices of the family members who were making dinner in the kitchen. As glad as she was to finally be in the private sanctuary of her room, memories of her nights with Jack flooded her thoughts. Plopping down on the edge of the bed, Beverly was suddenly grateful for the people downstairs. She couldn�t face being in an empty house� not yet. Undoing the buttons of her white blouse, Crusher got up and headed toward the closet. Opening it, she saw her many outfits hanging down neatly to the left. On the right were Jack�s. Taking out the shirt he always wore to play baseball, she brought it up and buried her face in it. She�d washed it, so of course it didn�t smell like him. With sadness, she started to wonder if she�d come to forget his scent. Wanting nothing more than to get out of the dressy clothes she�d worn while meeting with the funeral director, Beverly put on a pair of jeans and decided on the shirt that once belonged to her husband. Even though it was a bit too big for her, Beverly felt at ease in it. It was made of grey cotton with maroon sleeves, the number 11 adorning the back. Pulling her hair up in a ponytail, she decided it was high time she went downstairs to join the others. Not wanting to be impolite toward the well-intentioned relatives who had taken the time to make her dinner, Beverly sat down at the table and at least made an effort to put food in her mouth. Halfway through her plate, the doorbell rang. �I�ll get it,� said Jennifer as she started to get up. Beverly gestured for her to stay seated. �No, that�s okay. Stay and enjoy your dinner. I�ll go get it.� Grateful for the diversion that would allow her to leave the dinner table, Beverly headed toward the front door and opened it. Captain Picard stood on the other side. �Jean-Luc�� Beverly said. Noticing Picard�s discomfort evident, Beverly opened the door so that she could pass through and closed it behind her. Doing so shut out the possibility of having an audience. After several seconds of tense indecision, Picard finally found his words. �I, uh, came by to apologize� for leaving you on the tarmac like that.� �It�s okay. I understand.� �You�re not upset?� �No� I know how hard this is on you.� �Whatever I�m feeling must pale in comparison to what you�re going through. It was insensitive of me to leave you there. Again, I�m sorry.� �Like I said� don�t worry.� Her voice was full of empathy. The captain nodded slowly and numbly, looking like hell. Instinctively, no doubt thanks to her career as a physician, Beverly�s nurturing side took over. �Have you eaten anything?� It wasn�t really a question, for it was obvious he hadn�t. �The family�s made dinner. There�s more than enough to go around. Why don�t you come in and join us?� The captain shook his head and smiled sadly. �No, that�s very kind of you but�� He cast a glance toward the large window where he could see the people inside. �I�ll pick something up on my way back to the hotel.� It was most certainly a lie. �Besides,� he continued, �you need to spend time with your family right now. It wouldn�t be right of me to intrude.� With a gentle hand on his shoulder, Beverly smiled sadly. �But you are family� perhaps not in the real sense, but you are nonetheless.� �Thank you.� Feeling as though he didn�t deserve that honor, the captain�s sense of betrayal toward Jack seemed to escalate within him. �I should be going.� With regret, Beverly nodded and watched him descend the steps. He�d barely made ten paces when she called after him. �Jean-Luc, wait�� Turning around, the captain saw her descending the steps in order to join him. Silently, he waited. �I almost forgot to tell you.� Tossing her bangs to one side, Beverly said, �I was making arrangements for the funeral today and I learned that Jack had made a holographic recording in case something ever happened to him. There was a list of people he wished to address and your name was among them.� Jean-Luc didn�t know how to respond. �Please say you�ll come with us�� There was a slight plea in her voice. �It would have meant a lot to Jack� it would mean a lot to me�� Another second passed. �I�ll be there.� With her eyes bright, she managed a soft thank you. With a sad smile, Jean-Luc turned and started to walk away. Fearing this ordeal would destroy him, Beverly sighed. Please take care of yourself, Jean-Luc� * * * * Dressed in a black knee-length skirt and blazer, Beverly made her way toward the small viewing room where she would hear Jack�s final message to his loved ones. Nana, Jennifer, and a few other close relatives of Jack�s walked slightly behind her. Beverly had decided to leave Wesley at home in the care of a family friend. He was too young to understand fully what was going on and she feared it would be confusing for him to see a holographic image of his father that didn�t respond to him. One thing she took comfort out of was the fact that Jack had made a recording for his son which he planned on giving to him on his eighteenth birthday. It was his way of letting him know who his father was when he came into the world. He�d planned on making many more, but sadly, never got the chance. Also in attendance was Walker Keel, the third member of this little trio of friends that included Jack and Jean-Luc. To her profound disappointment, Jean-Luc had failed to meet them as they�d waited outside. Although she understood his pain, a part of her felt as though he was letting Jack down, and that upset her. Entering the dark grey room with its subdued lighting, Beverly took her place in the first row of seats. Jennifer and Nana sat at either side of her, while everyone else took a seat elsewhere. A technician, carrying the small chip that had sat in Jack�s safety deposit box for close to three years now, approached a small monitor on the left side of the room. �Where�s Jean-Luc?� whispered Walker as he leaned forward in the chair directly behind Beverly. �I thought he was going to be here.� Beverly shrugged sadly and looked at Walker. �I don�t know�� Then she turned back toward the front of the room and lowered her gaze to her now fidgeting hands. A few seconds passed, followed by the sound of swishing doors at the back of the room. Turning to see who had come in, Beverly�s gaze immediately locked with Jean-Luc�s. Grateful he�d decided to come after all, she smiled sadly at him. Unable to keep eye contact with her, Picard averted his gaze by looking nervously to the last row. Choosing the seat closest to the door, he sat down and waited. The young technician discretely activated the hologram then left to give privacy to the grieving family. As Jack�s 3D image appeared, Beverly�s tears started flowing once more. It was as if he was really there standing before them. Only his unfocused gaze into what seemed like nothingness reminded her of the fact this was nothing more than a projection. Wearing his maroon uniform, Jack stood just as handsome and confident as ever. He cleared his throat before starting. �Well� if you�re all watching this, then it means I�m gone�� Jack then spoke about how he loved his career in Starfleet and that if by any chance he had met his demise while on duty� it meant he had died doing what he loved. �The only regret I have is leaving you all behind� especially you, Beverly� and our son. I just wish I could be there to help raise him. But I know in my heart that you�ll do a fine job. You�ve always been a wonderful mother. Wesley is lucky to have you�� Jack then went about addressing the rest of his relatives, adding a few humorous remarks along the way. It was just like Jack to try and lighten tense situations. �And now to my buddies, Walker and Jean-Luc. We�ve sure had some good times over the years. Like that weekend we thought it would be cool to take that old beat up terrain vehicle up Big Bald Mountain.� Jack shook his head and smiled. �That wasn�t such a good idea, was it?� Jack then continued, addressing Walker first. He told him just how much he�d appreciated his friendship and wished him nothing but the best. When the time came to address Jean-Luc, Jack tried in vain to sound much more serious. �Now Jean-Luc� what can I tell you� First of all, I have a confession to make. When I first met you, well� you struck me as sort of well� a pain in the ass.� That statement brought some soft laughter amid tears from many of the people there. Jean-Luc, however, could not bring himself to do so. �But you know what, I really tried to get to know you and I�m really glad I did. You�re not only my commanding officer, but my best friend as well. Frankly, you�re sort of like the brother I never had. By the way Jennifer, don�t take offense to that. You�re a great sister but I can�t say you�re one of the guys� Anyway, Beverly and I have cherished the time spent with you and we both consider you part of the family.� The humor fading out of his demeanor, Jack added, �Please take care of them.� The rest of the recording, which focused mostly on Beverly, was a total blur to the captain. Please take care of them� After those words played several times more in his mind, Picard�s guilt intensified. If you only knew� * * * * On a boulder located in a wooded area overlooking the city, Picard sat in silence. Above him, the sky had darkened considerably and now displayed the last hues of blue before the blackness took over. Below were the many lights of the bustling city, where people were going about living their lives. A part of him felt envious toward them, for he�d trade places with anyone if he could. Discarding his now empty beer bottle amid the many others littering the ground at his feet, he reached for another one. Forgive me, Jack� Even now, as the torrent of guilt he felt threatened to drown him, his heart fought a losing battle. When he closed his eyes, all he could see was Beverly. The sweet scent of her hair and the feel of her as she cried in his arms were as vivid to him as though it had happened mere minutes before. One after the other, brief flashes of happier times invaded his mind. � �Oh come on, just try it. I�m sure you�ll find it�s actually delicious.� She laughed, the distorted fragmented memory only showing her mouth as she smiled. � Bright autumn leaves contrasted against the still green grass. Long red hair fanned out on the backdrop as Beverly lay on the ground, playing with her young son. � Those eyes� he could always remember how they looked when she gazed directly at him. They were so mesmerizing it was as though they could reach the inner depths of his soul. �You guys didn�t start the card game without me, did you?� � �I was wondering where you�d run off too.� Startled by the all too familiar voice, Jean-Luc stiffened. He�d been so lost in his thoughts that he�d failed to notice the arrival of the flyer that was now parked next to his own rented one. A few feet away from it stood the woman who filled his thoughts just now. Earlier, when they were all done watching Jack�s recording, he hadn�t been able to face her. So before she could come over and talk to him, he�d left. Now dressed in casual clothing as opposed to the black outfit she�d worn earlier, Beverly made her way over and sat by his side on the rock. Looking at the sparkling city below, Crusher took the time she needed to figure out what to say. Finally, she said, �So you came after all.� Unable to reply immediately, Jean-Luc took another drink, his eyes still lost amid the city lights. Not wanting to push, Beverly simply waited. �I almost didn�t� but then I realized how incredibly selfish it would have been of me if I went back on my word.� �Having you there� it meant a lot.� More silence settled between them as Jean-Luc nursed his beer bottle as though it was a lifeline. �That�s the real thing isn�t it?� Beverly said as she glanced back and forth between the bottle he held in his hands and the empty ones sprawled around at their feet. Seeing he wasn�t answering, she took it to be a yes. �I hope you know you�re not taking that flyer back to the city later.� He started to protest. �Beverly.� �I�m serious. You�re not winning this one.� �Fine.� The captain took another drink and let another several numbing seconds pass by. �How�d you know I�d be up here?� �I had a hunch. You three spent a lot of time up here hanging out back in the day.� �Yeah, I guess we did.� Wrapping her jacket more tightly around herself, Beverly bit her lip and waited a few seconds more. Finally turning to look at him again, she said, �Jack wouldn�t like seeing you like this.� �But he�s not here now, is he?� As soon as he�d said it, Jean-Luc felt like a total jerk. �I�m sorry, I shouldn�t have said that.� Although his statement had hurt her, Beverly decided she�d direct it back at him as a way to wake him up. �No, he�s not.� Her voice, although sad, was soft. �But you are.� Her words had clearly hit a nerve, and for the first time since the accident, Jean-Luc put his head in his hand and started to cry. As much as she herself was hurting, Beverly�s heart broke at the sight of the usually proud captain crying as he was. �It�s not fair� Oh Beverly�� His shoulders shook and he slumped forward as his despair mounted. �I�m so sorry� I�m so sorry.� Her own tears now soaking her face, Beverly leaned toward him and put her hands on his shoulders. �Jean-Luc, don�t, okay?� She rested her chin against his upper back. �None of this is your fault, you hear me? None of this.� Just as he�d been her support at the starbase, she was now his. And as she held him, Beverly was very much aware of her own feelings toward this man. Since the moment they met, there had been something about Jean-Luc Picard� something that would cause her heart to speed up whenever she saw him. Although she never would have betrayed her husband, she also knew that what she felt was beyond her control. In her secret fantasies, she�d sometimes thought about what could have been if they had met in another place and time. Had he ever been aware of the surging emotions his mere presence instilled in her? Probably not, she thought. Of course, Jean-Luc was such a hard man to read. Except for the very first time they spoke, Beverly had always found him to be somewhat reserved around her. They were close, yes. But there always seemed to be some sort of barrier between them. Considering her marriage to Jack, though, perhaps that wasn�t really a bad thing. �If I could trade places with him, I would.� Beverly closed her eyes. �I know� But fate had other ideas.� His crying slowly turning to anger, Picard wiped his face. �Yeah, well, fate screwed up.� Getting up he put some distance between them. �It took away the man who had everything going for him instead of the one who doesn�t really have much of a purpose. What�s the logic in that?� �What are you talking about? You do have purpose. Everyday, you make a difference in people�s lives.� �Look at what Jack has left behind, Beverly� a wonderful wife, a young child� What have I got to lose?� �You have friends that love you very much.� �That is not the same and you know it.� Getting up as well, Beverly walked over to where he stood. Her eyes locked onto his and she shook her head. �You don�t get it, do you? You�re here now� with your future stretched out in front of you.� Jean-Luc listened but couldn�t imagine what kind of future lay ahead for him. �You�re going to meet someone one of these days and who knows... Someday, you might have a family of your own.� You say that, but what you don�t know is that I�ve already met the woman of my dreams and it turns out she�s the one woman I can never have� If he�d been just a bit more intoxicated, he was sure he would have said it aloud. To his relief, however, he still had some sense of self-control left. �I highly doubt that.� �You have your whole life ahead of you.� �It�s not that simple.� �Why can�t it be?� �Because� dammit�� How could he give her an explanation without revealing his secret? Looking at her blue eyes that sparkled in the darkness, it took all he had not to let his guard down and show the vulnerability she created in him. There�d been a time, when Jack was alive and his relationship with Beverly wasn�t truly off the ground yet, that he�d almost told her how he felt. He remembered that night vividly. �So why is it that you don�t have a woman in your life yet?� Beverly had asked him while she sat face to face with him in a pub as they waited for Jack to join them. It had been less than a month since their first encounter. �I mean, you�re a successful man. I�m sure the women are lining up for you.� Caught off guard, he�d simply said, �I don�t really have the time to devote to a serious relationship right now, really. Although I love my career, it does take a lot of commitment and I�m just not sure this is a good time, you know?� �What if you met the right girl? Would your career really prevent you from pursuing something with her?� The answer to that was no, of course. For if Beverly hadn�t already been in Jack�s sights when he first met her, he would have gone all out to try to build a relationship with her if she�d been interested. �It�s kind of hard to say really... To me, the whole concept of love at first sight is a goldmine of potential complications.� �Really?� Beverly took a sip of her drink. �Has it ever happened to you? Love at first sight, I mean.� �Once� but that turned out to be an impossible relationship.� Wanting to shift the focus away from that latest admission, Jean-Luc turned the tables. �What about you?� She rolled her eyes and fiddled with the red straw in her glass. �Same, but let�s just say that the spark fizzled away rather quickly.� With a small laugh he asked, �You�re not talking about Jack, are you?� �No, it was someone I met last year in school. Jack and I, well, that�s a different story.� As he heard the words �Jack and I�, Jean-Luc couldn�t help the pang of sadness and envy that surged through him. Oblivious to all of that, Beverly continued, �I don�t know, I just can�t seem to figure it out with him. Sometimes, I think we might be headed somewhere, while at others, I sort of feel� I don�t know� as though we�re totally wrong for each other. It�s weird, really.� Stunned by her admission that her relationship with Jack wasn�t what he thought it was, Jean-Luc remained silent, a puzzled expression on his features. With a wave of her hand, Beverly said, �Oh, don�t mind me. I�m complicated. Most women are, you know.� Amid the emotional turmoil churning within him, Jean-Luc contemplated for the first time whether or not he should tell her how he felt. Trying to rationalize this possibility, he told himself that if things weren�t going to work out with Jack, and that they weren�t serious in the first place, perhaps she should know. As soon as that thought went through his mind though, Picard�s sense of loyalty to Jack kicked in once again. He couldn�t meddle with his friend�s chances at forming something solid with Beverly. It wouldn�t be right. � Still grappling with her question as to why he felt he could never have a family of his own, Jean-Luc passed his hand through his thinning hair. Finally, he just said, �I just don�t deserve it.� Beverly shook her head in resignation. He just wasn�t going to get it, was he? Right now, she understood that he was blinded by survivor�s guilt and that he felt responsible for the tremendous loss she�d suffered, but that didn�t stop her from thinking� Why can�t you see how wonderful you are? If this was another universe, I might be in your arms right now, proving to you just how worthy you are of being loved� She was surprised by the turn her train of thoughts had taken. She was about to bury her husband, a man she loved with all her heart. And yet, here she stood, imagining herself wrapped lovingly in the arms of her deceased husband�s best friend. Although that realization was conflicting, Beverly understood that her feelings toward both men were two really separate things. She couldn�t help how she felt and took comfort in the fact that she�d never broken the vows she�d taken six years before. �But what about now? Stop it, Beverly� you can�t� As determined as she was not to lose total control, she also knew she couldn�t leave him in this state. The side of her who was used to healing people wanted to stay, even if it meant showing him just a glimpse of what lay beneath the fragile surface of her heart. Beverly closed the gap between them, wrapped her arms around his neck, and nestled the right side of her face against his. With her eyes closed, she could feel his breath across her cheek. She started, �Listen to me�� Jean-Luc had not expected this and feared he�d lose control. God� what is she doing? �You are a wonderful and caring man.� She paused to give her words time sink in and she breathed out slowly. �And I know that somewhere underneath everything you are going through right now, there is a great capacity to love and be loved. Take my word for it. Someday�� She pulled back slightly in order to look into his hazel eyes. ��you are going to make some woman very, very happy.� Not able to help it, she thought, And who knows, if enough time has passed and our wounds have begun to heal, perhaps that woman could be me� The way she was now looking at him� if he didn�t know better, he would have thought she was talking about herself. I must be imagining things. She can�t possibly be thinking that� Aloud, Beverly continued, �Don�t give up on yourself, Jean-Luc� Live your life�� For the next several seconds, the two remained as they were, neither averting their gaze. Finally, Beverly leaned forward and kissed his cheek tenderly, for a bit longer than either of them expected. Knowing she had to draw the line where it stood, the young widow reluctantly withdrew from him and said, �Come on. I�ll fly you back to the hotel.� As Beverly made her way back to her flyer, it took a few seconds more for Jean-Luc to regain his composure and follow her. * * * * �Are you going to be okay?� Beverly looked at him as he descended from the passenger side. �I�ll be alright.� His answer was unconvincing. Casting one final glance at her, he said, �Good night.� �Good night.� Watching him as he walked away, Beverly hoped he would find some peace within himself. Seeing him like this was harder than she ever thought possible. Once he�d gotten safely out of view, Picard stopped and leaned his back against a wall. His head was reeling from what had just happened up on that hilltop. He�d come so close to revealing everything to her, if only with his eyes. Doing so would have been catastrophic to them both. And that realization, more than anything else, scared the hell out of him. �Beverly�� he spoke her name softly, shaking his head. Why can�t I get over you? He didn�t understand that question for he�d never had her in the first place� nevertheless it was plaguing him. * * * * With the funeral to be held a in a short while, Beverly�s house was yet again full of relatives. The mood was even heavier than it had been the previous days. The people who were actually engaged in conversation did so quietly, making it even more obvious that this wasn�t like any other day. When she heard a gentle knock on the door, Felicia Howard went ahead and opened it. Seeing the uniform-clad man standing outside, she said, �You must be Captain Picard.� �Yes, ma�am, I am.� He was obviously uneasy. �My Beverly�s mentioned you many times.� Stepping aside, the older woman gestured for him to come inside. �Please, come in. Would you care for a cup of tea?� �That�s very nice of you, but no thanks.� �Very well.� Felicia then pointed toward the living room. �Beverly�s in there. I�m sure she�ll appreciate you coming by like this.� �Thank you, ma�am.� Passing by some of Jack�s relatives, Jean-Luc nodded politely, trying to hide his discomfort as best he could. When he finally reached the archway, he saw her across the room. Dressed all in black, she knelt before her son, adjusting his little suit. The sight was heartbreaking. �Where are we going, Mommy?� Fighting back tears, Beverly answered in a low voice, �We�re going to say goodbye to Daddy, sweetheart.� As movement caught her eye, she turned and saw him. He stood there, doing his best to look more composed than he did the previous night. She stood up slowly, her son hiding slightly behind her skirt. Looking down at him, she said, �It�s okay Wes, you remember Captain Picard?� With eyes that reminded him so much of Jack�s, the boy responded rather shyly, �Hello.� Back up at his mother. �Can I go play now?� �Alright, just make sure you don�t get anything on that suit.� With his footsteps echoing on the hardwood floor as he ran, Wesley passed by the captain and disappeared in the other room. A heavy silence settled as the two kept some distance between them. �I didn�t think I would see you before the funeral.� Seeing he wasn�t saying anything, she took a few steps toward him. �I�m glad you came.� With a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, Jean-Luc said, �I can�t believe how much Wesley�s grown these past few months. He looks so much like his father.� �He does.� After slight hesitation, Picard cleared his throat. �I just wanted to apologize for the things I said last night.� �There�s no need to.� �I think there is. On the eve of your husband�s funeral, you should have been the one receiving support, not the one giving it.� �Well, being there for a friend turned out to be somewhat therapeutic.� �Thank you.� They smiled at each other sadly. �Beverly.� Jennifer peered into the living room. �I don�t mean to interrupt, but it�s time to go.� �Thanks, Jenn.� Back to Jean-Luc, Beverly took a breath. �I guess we can�t put this off any longer, can we.� �Let�s go.� With a hand on her shoulder, the captain followed her out of the room. * * * * Dark clouds covered the sky above, and below, the people gathered around Jack Crusher�s coffin listened to the words meant as a final goodbye to him. Seated with her son nestled quietly beside her, Beverly regarded the flag covered casket. She felt numb, the eulogy nothing more than a blur. �Commander Jack Crusher was a respected officer who inspired those who had the privilege of serving with him�� � �He will forever be missed� Not only by his fellow Starfleet officers� but by the family and friends he left behind�� � Directly across from her stood Jean-Luc, his hands clasped in front of him, his seemingly empty stare never once directed her way. A short distance away, a group of bagpipe players stood together. Softly, one of them started playing the haunting melody of �Amazing Grace�. The Honor Guard who had stood at attention during the whole service then started the military rites. The melody intensified as the other bagpipe players joined in. Two impeccably mannered officers then proceeded to lift the standard blue and white Starfleet flag off the casket. Several feet away stood the rifle party. In a row of seven men, they prepared to perform the three-volley salute. While the flag was being neatly folded in the traditional triangle, the NCO-in-charge gave his command. �Ready!� In absolute synchronism, the rifle party readied their ceremonial weapons. �Aim!� The five men then proceeded to aim their muzzles so that they pointed up over the casket. �Fire!� As the gunshots echoed through the stillness of the cemetery, Beverly fought to stay strong. On the other side of the casket, Captain Picard stood at full attention and raised his hand in salute. The several other members of the Stargazer�s crew who stood beside him did the same. The firing of the guns repeated itself in the exact same manner three times in a row. All the while, one of the officers who had folded the flag respectfully handed it to the fallen hero�s wife. In the skies above, flew a missing man formation. Approaching from the south, one of the crafts suddenly veered off toward the west as though it was flying off into the sunset. The rendition of the song then became softer as only one band member proceeded to play the final portion. And as the casket began its slow descent into the ground, Wesley, who had up to this point remained still, reached forward. �Daddy!� �Baby, no.� His mother tried to hold back tears as she held her son. Finally, bringing with it an extreme sense of finality, the melody faded altogether. The breeze flowed gently among the neat rows of white gravestones, the muffled cries of Jack�s family echoing softly through the distance. * * * * �Jean-Luc, wait.� Beverly almost ran to catch up with him as he was about to leave the cemetery. He turned around and waited for her to reach him. �The family�s gathering for a light dinner back at the house. Why don�t you come and join us.� �I�m, uh� not sure that would be such a good idea.� �Please� I�d really like you to be there. You shouldn�t lock yourself up right now.� �I don�t know�� Seeing the way she was now looking at him, he conceded, �Look, I�ll do my best to be there.� �Good. Dinner�s at eight.� * * * * Since the hotel wasn�t very far from the cemetery, Picard opted to walk. He needed to clear his head. The memory of their encounter on the hilltop still fresh and ever replaying in his mind caused him such inner turmoil that it was on the verge of overwhelming him. The more time he spent with Beverly, the more he feared she�d discover his secret. In his vain attempt to sleep the night before, all Picard could think about was how much he�d wanted her as she held him. Just hours before burying his best friend, his only thought had been having his wife� She must never know� ever� After that, how could he handle spending time in her presence without that need for her resurging? He felt torn. Torn between his loyalty to Jack and wanting to grant Beverly�s wishes that he go over there, the captain felt like he was about to crack. Once back in his hotel room, Picard looked around and came to a realization� If I stay, I might not only betray Jack�s friendship, but I may also hurt Beverly beyond any possibility of repair� But if you leave like this, she�ll be hurt anyway, Jean-Luc� Perhaps, but it�s what�s best for both of us in the long run� * * * * Beverly finished setting the table. Looking at the old fashioned clock on the wall, she felt disappointment. It was 8:15. He�s not coming� Sitting down with the family, she tried keep up pretenses. Barely picking at her food, she would sometimes glance at the front door. Hoping� Once dinner was over, Beverly helped clean up. Putting all the dirty dishes in the dispenser, she feared the captain had descended into another one of his depressed episodes. �Are you alright, Beverly?� �Nana.� Trying her best to smile, she answered, �I�m fine. Just a long day is all.� �Why don�t you let us do the cleaning up? You should rest.� �Actually, some fresh air might do me some good. I think I�ll go for a walk.� �I�ll put Wesley to bed for you.� With a hug, Beverly said, �Thanks, Nana.� * * * * Beverly walked into the lobby of the hotel Jean-Luc was staying and approached the front desk. �Good evening, Ma�am,� said the clerk behind the counter. �Hello. I came to see one of your guests. Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Would you mind terribly giving me his room number? Or if you can�t, then perhaps you could just call his room to let him know I�m here. My name�s Beverly Crusher.� �I�m really sorry, I wish I could help you, but the captain has already checked out. He left about a half hour ago.� �Did he mention where he was going?� �No, he didn�t. When she exited the hotel, the cool night air hit her face and brought a slight chill. Even more worried now than she�d been earlier, she tried to figure out where he might have gone. Perhaps Walker knows� With hurried steps, Beverly walked in the direction of her friend�s residence. Spotting a taxi-shuttle just up ahead, she hailed it. * * * * �Beverly.� Walker frowned in concern as he saw her worried expression. �I didn�t expect to see you here tonight.� The redhead didn�t miss a beat. �Have you seen Jean-Luc?� �Yeah, he was here just a short while ago. Why? What�s wrong?� �Did he mention where he was going?� �He did mention that he was eager to go back to the Stargazer to see how the repairs were coming along.� �Thanks, Walker.� With that, she turned around and started walking away. �Wait! Beverly! What�s all this about?� Puzzled, he watched as Beverly started running down the street. He�s running away� The coward� Knowing full well the Stargazer�s crew had been given two weeks leave, it was clear to Beverly that if he was going back to his ship now, it was to escape from everything that had happened in the last week. A small voice at the back of her mind even suggested he might even be running away from her. He was back at headquarters. She just knew it. Why does it have to be so god damned far? Exhaling sharply, she muttered under her breath, �Where are all the taxis when you need one?� The air felt thick, like it always did before a rain storm. As she hurried down the street, Beverly felt the first drops starting to fall. Luckily, before it got too bad, she saw a taxi-shuttle round a corner. Lifting her hand up, she waited and was relieved to see it stop. �Where to, Miss?� �Starfleet Headquarters.� As she anxiously peered out the window, the small droplets of rain got progressively bigger and more frequent. I just hope I�m not too late� She wasn�t sure exactly why she couldn�t let him leave this way. If that�s what he wanted, who was she to argue? But deep down, the secret feelings she harbored for the handsome captain compelled her to at least try to stop him. If she did, what would happen? What would he think of her chasing him down like this? She couldn�t think. Right now, she was acting on sheer impulse and she just hoped to catch him in time. �Could you make it quick, please?� �I�m going as fast as I can, lady.� With what seemed like an agonizing eternity, the small shuttle proceeded toward the large and intricate complex that was Starfleet Headquarters. As soon as they landed, Beverly thanked him hastily and disembarked. With the rain now pouring down on her, she ran across the front grounds until she reached the large gate. Opening a small panel, the doctor positioned herself so that the ocular scanner could verify her identity. When the green letters flashed �Access Granted� on the screen, she waited for the gate to open. Her feet splashing in the large puddles that were now forming on the ground, Beverly ran as fast as she could toward the tarmac situated on the other side of the complex. When she finally reached it, she could see several transport shuttles either in preparation for leaving, or landing. �May I help you?� asked one of the tarmac workers, clearly surprised to see a woman standing out there in the pouring rain. �Do you know if there�s a transport bound for Starbase 32 here tonight?� Gesturing to a point behind her, he nodded. �As a matter of fact there is. It�s leaving right now.� Turning around, Beverly�s heart sank as she saw the shuttle�s thrusters already engaged. Slowly, it started to lift off the ground. With tears mixing with the water that was now dripping down her face, she could see Jean-Luc seated by one of the viewports in the aft portion of the shuttle. He was looking at the ground below, seeming lost in thought. To her utter disappointment, he did not see her. Jean-Luc� �Are you alright, Ma�am?� Nodding absently, Beverly couldn�t help the frustration that came with knowing she�d only missed him by mere minutes. I was too late� The technician walked away, leaving the doctor standing there, her eyes glued to the fast retreating shuttle in the night sky. * * * * As she sat alone on the bench on her backyard patio, Beverly�s tears finally subsided. It seemed so unfair that she was not only grieving the loss of her husband, but the loss of a very dear friend as well. The young widow wondered whether she�d ever see Jean-Luc again. It was a thought that scared her beyond comprehension. But deep down, amid all the doubts, grief and disappointment, there was a glimmer of hope. Beverly couldn�t accept that this was the last chapter of their relationship. There might be more to come. Only time would tell. In the meantime, she would pick up the pieces of her life. She had to� not only for herself, but for her young son as well. And as she gazed up at the stars, she wondered, Will he think of me? Unbeknownst to her, way out in the Maxia sector, Jean-Luc was doing just that. And he would do so each and every day until the time would come when they�d meet again. The End� sort of� Now we all know what supposedly happened after this� But what if I were to put my own spin on things now? continue to sequel Library |