| Released August 5th, 2008 Abyss of Oblivion by Missbevcrusher Rated [R] Standard Disclaimer: They don't belong to me. Just harmless fanfic folks. Chapter 10 The following two weeks brought mixed feelings to the doctor. The more she healed and got stronger, the more withdrawn the captain seemed to get. It was a bizarre reaction that could only be attributed to one thing. The guilt� They had started sharing breakfast again, which was wonderful, but it wasn�t like it used to be. He was still very attentive to her, but his manner seemed all too cautious and guarded at times. How she wished he could just relax and be himself around her. Jean-Luc was there for her, yet he was not. Not fully and openly. And it made her miss him terribly, or rather, miss the once close and relaxed friendship they used to have. Slowly, her hope that they could move past this ordeal and develop something more between them began to dwindle. Alone in her quarters, Beverly held her journal and wrote. The therapeutic effect of seeing her own emotions on paper brought her a small amount of comfort amid the difficult times. Is it foolish of me to think that this is all wrong? I don�t know anymore. Perhaps it was wishful thinking, but I was sure that the time had come for us. So much was revealed to him, both knowingly and accidentally� Then why have things not only stalled between us, but have taken a few steps backward? Will it ever be the same again? I hope so. If I can�t have him then I hope I�ll at least be able to keep our close friendship. I can�t lose that. I guess I have a lot to sort through, don�t I? * * * * Jean-Luc had been going over reports in his ready-room for the past three hours. His shift was over, but tonight he�d decided to linger. For what reason, he wasn�t sure. Perhaps it was to escape the thousand things that ran through his mind whenever he found himself alone without a task to distract him. The chime sounded and he called out, �Come.� His chief medical officer stood outside. �Beverly, come on in.� She crossed the room and did what no one else on board would ever dare to do. Very casually, she sat on the edge of his desk and looked into his eyes as though she was trying to divine his thoughts. �We need to talk.� He�d expected she would come to him sooner or later. �It would seem so.� �Since this whole thing started, many things came out. Feelings that had been tucked away, safely hidden. But to be fair here, this has basically been a one-sided conversation. While I�ve revealed more to you in these past few weeks than I have in all the twenty-six years that I�ve known you. And all you�ve managed to do is close yourself up and barricade yourself in. Do I need to spell out how that makes me feel?� He stayed silent. �Because I can assure you, this is no picnic for me. In all honesty, it�s quite hurtful. It�s as if I�m treading water in the middle of nowhere, while you�re too afraid to step off your lifeboat to come and get me.� �I�m sorry.� �I don�t want you to apologize, Jean-Luc. I just want you to open up to me. There�s a lot more that needs to be said between us, the most of which should come from you.� �I wish I could�� He saw the heartbreak in her eyes as soon as those words were uttered. So he tried to explain. �But after what we�ve just been through�� �All the more reason why we should talk about this.� She shifted slightly. �When I broke down in my quarters that night you said you were sorry� that�s why you don�t want to open up to me, isn�t it? You feel guilty for what happened to me.� He looked down, unable to keep eye contact. She continued, �Did you think for one second that I regretted our close friendship when we were on that cube? That I would have forsaken our relationship to be spared from assimilation? Never. I would never have traded what we have. Because admit it or not, there�s more between us than a relationship between friends and co-workers. We�ve never acted on it, but it doesn�t make it any less true.� Again, he was silent. Beverly had hit her mark. �I knew you were going to blame yourself. Even as I was being strapped to that damn table, it was obvious just by the look in your eyes. Jean-Luc, I never blamed you, not for an instant.� �You showed tremendous courage, more than I could ever have mustered,� Jean-Luc managed to say, �but I just couldn�t forgive myself for putting you in such a position. You�re more giving than I could ever hope to be.� �Don�t talk like that. Please.� �I was forced to try and kill you, Beverly. Not once, but twice.� His voice rose slightly as the anguish he�d felt at those moments resurfaced. �Do you know what that did to me?� �It wasn�t easy. I realize that.� The doctor leaned closer. �But you know what? I was grateful. I was aware of everything that was happening and instead of fear I felt nothing but pride toward you. It�s not just any man who would be willing to sacrifice so much so that his people could live� so that his best friend could be spared a life of eternal imprisonment within an uncaring hive mind.� Despite his attempt at staying strong, Picard�s eyes started to fill with tears. �That was the most selfless act I�ve ever witnessed firsthand. And I love you all the more for it.� �Don�t make me out to be a hero, because I sure don�t feel like one.� His voice was a mere whisper. �Why does everything have to be so black and white with you? Are you really willing to forego any chance at building something that could be the best damn thing for both of us over something as destructive as guilt? Hasn�t that emotion caused us enough turmoil already? How much more do we have to give up for the sake of it?� �I wish things could be different. I really do.� �So do I.� Aside from feeling defeated, Beverly was also incredulous at his unwavering stubbornness. Picard had hoped that she would understand, but alas, it was not the outcome he had envisioned. Seeing her fight for them the way she was tore at his heart. She had all the drive, the determination, and the courage to stand up for what she believed in while he could do no more than cower in a corner. He was not very proud of himself. In fact, he was quite ashamed of his utter lack of confidence in the feelings that lay between them. �I should go.� Her voice wavered. As she got up, Jean-Luc closed his eyes. He felt like the barren, empty dirt of a desert. Before she reached the door, Beverly stopped, but did not turn around. �Before I leave, I need to hear it. For just this once, I need to hear what I know you feel for me.� There was a moment of silence, then, �I love you� always have�� The doctor blinked back tears and took a steadying breath to regain her composure before she walked out onto the bridge. She then looked over her shoulder, her gaze not quite reaching the captain. And with that, she left. Dammit� As soon as he was alone, the realization that he�d just made a colossal mistake dawned on him. * * * * �And what else do you feel?� Troi�s inquisitive yet compassionate voice asked, starting week three into their daily round of sessions. On the couch in the counselor�s office, Crusher scoffed. �Aside from feeling violated, victimized and angry? I feel plenty of things.� �Such as?� Deanna waited patiently for the doctor to find the right words. �Hurt, empty, disappointed, dejected� I could go on and on.� �And are those last four emotions derived from your experience with the Borg or from something else?� �Is it that apparent?� When the counselor didn�t answer, Beverly sighed in resignation. �He�s so stubborn, Deanna. I tried to get him to see reason but he won�t. God, he frustrates me so much sometimes. I swear I could shake him.� �Perhaps if you gave him time�� Beverly didn�t give her the chance to finish. �Time.� She laughed bitterly. �It seems like we�ve wasted so much of it already.� �When you feel ready, why don�t you just do something about it? Talk to him, just like you�re now talking to me. It might do you both some good.� �Talking to him is like talking to a wall. I�m telling you, his reasoning makes no sense.� �Perhaps all he needs is a little push in the right direction.� A barely-there smile pulled at one corner of her mouth, but did not reach her eyes. �I wish I could believe that.� * * * * During the next few days, Troi kept a watchful eye on the situation from the sidelines. She could see that both the captain and Beverly were trying to maintain their friendship, but it was becoming somewhat strained nonetheless. Their public exchanges sometimes seemed politely cautious and she doubted they spent any time alone together. The more withdrawn Picard got, the more disguised resentment she felt from the doctor. The counselor had done her best to nudge them in the right direction individually, but it was not working. In all fairness, she couldn�t force them to do anything. All she could do was to guide them toward a path and hope that they would eventually choose to follow it. What am I going to do with those two? * * * * With the Borg sphere now safely in tow and headed for one of Starfleet�s main intelligence bases, the Enterprise was once again free to pursue its initial diplomatic mission with the Precerans. It meant a lot of downtime for the crew, which wasn�t such a bad thing, but at the same time, forced too many hours of silent contemplation onto the captain. He�d hurt her, that much as apparent. Why did I do it? Every time he was near her, he wanted nothing more than to take back what had happened. But that was not possible. Furthermore, he still could not reconcile with the remorse he felt for putting her in such peril in the first place. Earlier that afternoon, he had met his senior officers for a routine staff meeting. Contrary to Beverly�s customary outgoing nature, the doctor had remained overly quiet the whole time. And instead of sticking around at the end like she usually did, she was the first one out the door. It seemed with every consequent meeting he had with her, the more withdrawn she became. Of course, he didn�t blame her. He hadn�t been Mister Forthcoming himself, only displaying a fraction of what he felt toward her. Despite his reservations, Picard had done his best to be there for her as a friend, but he knew that his efforts fell more than short. In fact, his attempts were borderline pathetic. A feeble, �How are you?� followed by her quick, curt response of �Fine� was all that comprised their latest exchanges. It was obvious she�d expected more of him and her disappointment was more than a little evident. I�ve really let you down, haven�t I? More than anything, he feared their friendship would never recover. And that was the one thing he could not concede. Picard made his way to his quarters where he would undoubtedly spend the night beating himself up over his own cowardice. With a barely audible curse aimed at himself, he numbly approached his door. He didn�t deserve her. She was so strong, so full of life despite what had befallen her. Beverly deserved to be with someone who could look her in the eye and own up to his life choices without second-guessing himself at every turn. For an accomplished Starfleet captain, he�d made quite a mess of his personal life. Once he was closed off from the rest of the world, Jean-Luc had no idea what to do with himself. He couldn�t go to sleep, not now, not when she would fill his very sense of being. He just didn�t want to feel. He�d screwed up his only chance at finally being with the only woman who had filled his heart for over a quarter of a century. If he�d had real alcohol on hand, he would have surely tried to soothe what he was feeling with its numbing affects. But he didn�t have any. In fact, he�d drunk his last bottle of Chateau Picard a few months prior in the company of none other than his chief medical officer. Those long lazy nights spent in silent understanding over dinner and wine. Would he ever get to experience other such moments with her? Probably not. When he got to his bedroom, he looked around briefly. For what, he didn�t know. His mind wandered aimlessly in an attempt at easing his regrets. What he found had less than the desired affect. On his nightstand was a picture of Beverly that he�d taken out of his old-fashioned photo album. He�d clutched it many times during those agonizing days when he thought he would never see her smiling face again. As he approached and looked intently at her soft features, he began to wonder if she�d ever smile at him that way again. He shuddered to think what the answer to that might be. The possibility that their friendship had suffered a mortal blow was very real and very frightening. * * * * Beverly hadn�t even bothered removing her uniform when she�d plopped down on her bed less than an hour before. With the Enterprise now at warp en route to Precera, the view above her through the angled viewport was nothing but a blur of passing stars. Everything within her seemed to be nothing more than that� a hazy blur. If only she could comprehend the logic in his decision. Reluctantly, she had to admit that there was nothing very logical when it came to the overwhelming power of guilt. That dreadful five letter word which had seemed to have sealed their fates on more than one occasion weighed heavily on her. If only he could let her love him, let her show him how worthy he was of it. He didn�t give himself nearly enough credit. How could such a strong man be so insecure within the deepest reaches of his soul? Jean-Luc Picard was a much more sensitive and fragile man than most people thought. But then, she�d known that side of him for a very long time now. She was one of the few, if not the only one who knew how profound that vulnerability ran within in his core. As a physician, she was used to healing wounded and so it was very difficult to accept that perhaps she could not heal him, not this time. Why does he always choose to carry the burden by himself? Perhaps it was his pride. Perhaps it was his way of minimizing her pain. No, she thought, if he wanted to ease my pain, he wouldn�t have pushed me away. None of this made sense to her. This is crazy. Aloud, she said, �This is ridiculous.� I can�t leave things like this. I won�t. Determined, Beverly got up and smoothed out her disheveled strawberry blond hair. Perhaps Deanna was right. Perhaps he does need a good shove. And blindly, without an ounce of thought of what she was going to do next, the doctor left her quarters with a quiet resolve growing with each additional step she took. * * * * Unceremoniously, Picard tapped the water control panel with the side of his fist and hot water started to pour down his body. He hoped will all his might that it would help wash away the dreadful feeling that enveloped him, but was aware of how not only improbable, but impossible it was. Amid the falling streams of water rose lazy swirls of steam that soon filled the whole stall and beyond. They clouded his view of the taupe textured walls directly in front of him and to his right. To his left, the already frosted glass seemed to gain an even more opaque quality as the minuscule droplets of the hot steam adhered to the slippery surface. As he tilted his head upward, he let the falling water flood his pained features. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. He would live out the rest of his days as a lonely old man who had single handedly destroyed every chance at happiness that was handed to him. He would spend his every waking moment paying for his mistake. That was the only thing he could do now. You reap what you sow, old fool� * * * * When Beverly finally got to his door, she had to take a steadying breath as she desperately tried to figure out what she would do. The short stroll over to his quarters hadn�t been nearly long enough for her to come up with a concrete plan. But she couldn�t waste time. She feared she would lose her nerve if she did. No, I can�t let that happen. There�s too much at stake. She rang the chime and waited. There was no answer. She rang the chime a second time. No answer. Great, she thought, I summon the courage to walk all the way over and he�s not here. She asked, �Computer, location of Captain Picard.� �Captain Picard is in his quarters.� Oh no, you don�t. You�re not going to get away from this so easily. Beverly looked up and down the corridor to make sure no one saw her. Satisfied that she was alone, the doctor used her medical override to gain access to the darkened quarters beyond. He wasn�t in the living area, so she called out his name. When there was again no response, Crusher slowly walked toward his bedroom. As soon as she heard the sound of running water and saw the steam coming out of the opened doorway to his bathroom, Beverly knew where she would find him. With closed fists, she debated what to do next. If she backed out now, it might be over for good. Her eyes shut tightly, Crusher exhaled. �Okay, you can do this, Beverly.� Just think about all you have to lose. With shaky steps, she rounded the corner to the steam-filled master bath. The shower stall was located at the very end of the surprisingly large room. Through the frosted glass, the doctor could make out his figure as he slumped slightly forward, his arms resting on the wall in front of him. Beverly�s movements were fraught with a nervousness she�d seldom felt before as she reached down and removed her boots and socks. When she straightened, her hand sought out the zipper at the front of her uniform and she slowly pulled it downward. It didn�t take long for the dark uniform to join the discarded boots and socks that rested at her feet. That left her clad in only the white standard issue t-shirt over her undergarments. She didn�t dare remove anymore for the time being. She was much too jittery already. Beverly could have easily turned back for she felt more than a little bit foolish standing in state of relative undress next to the oblivious showering captain. Thankfully, her pig-headedness won out and she pushed forth. Breathe, Beverly, breathe. She made her way with cautious steps closer and closer to the shower stall, her resolve holding firm the whole way. When the trembling doctor reached the edge of the glass wall, she pushed aside all remaining doubts and rounded the corner. continue to chapter 11 library |