Sitting in my bedroom alone on a Saturday night - basically stranded - gives a girl a lot to be unsettled with. Well, it gives the girl I am NOW a lot to be unsettled with. Because I remember when I was ok with spending every night alone on my bedroom. I'd piddle around with the internet, maybe write some crazy emo-ggrrl songs on my spankin' new red Strat or even just play 'string' with the lovely Alice. Where have these past times gone, and the joy and appreciation they brought to me? Why can't I be fulfilled just as bein gmyself? The self-love is there, though as I've said so many times before there are esteem issues I am dealing with that have been damaged since this summer... where is that sweet happy 15 year old that I used to be? Or even, where's that sweet 19 year old I used to be? I miss her so much. Instead of discovered and lost, I hope to God that it all is just misplaced.

To enjoy life. Oh, to enjoy it. It's my favorite thing - I am not really sure of this girl I am becoming. I still try my very best, I still work very hard. It's no doubt that I am definatley confused right now - but does it accompany disillusion, too? I strive to have a good time. Especially right now; this is supposed to be the greatest time of my life. I guess with me everyday is up and down. Like the good day bad day button, which I still certainly hold true.

It's been almost 5 1/2 months and I'm still a wreck, though. And the idea of dating still repulses me as much as it did originally. Is this normal? I feel like nothing has been accomplished, like I've been going nowhere except for a nosedive and that maybe soon I should just get the money I've been saving ad invest it in some really good psychiatry sessions and some medical insurance so that I can go on some medication. When I can't spend time alone w/myself and be happy? I can't understand why every time I have a day all to myself it is disintigrated by 8pm and I am on my computer or laying on my bed either on the verge or in the middle of some ridiculous sobbing scenario? Everyday I become stronger but I wonder if it's strength or callous? Am I really becoming tougher or just more prone to cope with things at the state I am? I would be relieved to know that it's something as little as both.

I worry about myself a lot. Even though I'm usually the last person on my list, I still worry about the decisions I've made, the people I've called friends and all the stupid mistakes I made in relationships. But I think out of everything, the one true tell-tale is who you give your heart to. That person and the way they treat you reflects a lot about what you think of yourself, how you will allow yourself to be treated and where you're going to be. I've been there, I've done that and to be honest, I'm kind of afraid of what I've done to myself. But there is such thing as learning from a lesson and healing. I'm starting now.

For now, the only person I'm going to give my heart to is MYSELF. I tried giving it to someone else, but they thought of THEMSELVES first. Which is ok - a lesson I will learn from. I tried to be understanding and supportive but all I did was walk all over myself again. I have come to learn that at this point in my life, the only person that will love me the way I deserve to be - or that CAN love me the way I deserve to be - is myself. I just have to learn how to do that. I am really afraid to start, and I admit that there are so many things that I wish more than anything I could let go. I know all the things wrong with me, I do become discouraged easily and I know that everything is a result of things that have happened to me in my life. Because of this, I have to make SOMEONE out of myself. A person that people will respect, a human that can do important things, I need to amount to something so that everyone who's ever stepped on me can see that I CAN do it. And that I did.

Like me.