How I can sit around and cry over something that was over months ago, just because they are near, is deflating and shameful. Why I even care is more embarssing and the fact that I would do it all over again is the icing that tops the cake. I do not like to cry. I do not like to be the victim or have a broken heart, I love to be in love. When I get this way I wish I were someone else. On days like this, my guitar doesn't play right, my voice isn't any good and no one calls me. It's when I start thinking about digging a hole under a rock and going into hiding.

I HATE how he controls my emotions. I hate how he has the nerve to talk to me about things that I love. Why is he talking to me about these things? He wasn't my friend for a long time. I thought he was my best friend. I thought that I could entrust in him anything that made me feel weak. He was my security blanket from the evils of the world, and from the evils of myself.

It breaks my heart that when once I was enthralled that he was on his way here, today I couldn't wish him further away. He doesn't want to be with me. He shut the door on me. He pushed me away - for reasons that I will never know. Maybe that's another reason that this still kills me. Because I still have no idea, and will probably never know the truth.

I still think about him. A lot. Mostly in good ways. I don't understand why. How nothing can be sacred for him, how he questioned every single friend I made but used the word "friend" for people he barely met. And for taking their advice when they didn't even know me. I can't stand it. It makes me want to just jump into an endless sky and float forever.

What makes NO sense is that I can say I hate myself for not hating him. That I can hate myself for still loving him. Who is losing out? Me. Always me. And I take responsibility for it for the most part as well. It takes 2 no matter what. But I didn't do anything wrong.

I try my methods, to be a tough strong girl, to write songs of power and dream of my huge honkin' metaphorical muscle that I work out every day and imagine it getting thicker and stronger and more powerful. Super Woman, one day. Actually, I don't really know what I'm going on and on about. All I really do know right now is that the closer he is to me, the more it hurts like kryptonite.