What I envy still in these married couples with homes and station wagons and wedding days once, twice, thrice-remembered, first days of school, a favorite coffee shop... is the reassurance that they will always be there for eachother. The promise of their golden age in the years ahead and the amazing friendship that lovers who kiss have. All of this I thought I had once, the beauty of commitment. And the fact that someone loved them enough once to get on one knee and ask them this amazing favor - pay them this compliment - and actually got a 'yes'. I hate it.

These days, the idea that true love can exist in this world would otherwise be ludicrous to me if I weren't so deeply in it - or, maybe I should catch myself and change it to: if I wasn't so deeply in it once. Once, right.

Simply put, it's jealousy. I am insanely jealous of people with true love and in the most envious of ways. I want the best for them, I want them to be happy with and for eachother just like my parents were. What makes me green is the fact that there is probably one in the relationship who is madly in love, who does everything for the other one, who would buy the entire sea for their loved one and actually WAIT until their birthday to give it to them... while there is the other half who does love them in return but only shows their 50%, someone who shows up late and doesn't take the fact that they are holding the hand of this amazing person honestly. Someone who doesn't really care one way or another that they got the ocean for their birthday, and that it's waiting for them in their backyard when they get home every single night. Someone who doesn't take the depth of their relationship seriously. And then one day the other person will discover this and see their hopes and dreams stumble at their feet, they'll see the person they loved so much in a new light and hate every moment of it, try everything they can to disbelieve it, they will take all the memories and wonder what happened and what they did wrong. But they were a perfect angel - they made all the right moves - they loved with all of their heart. Just like I did. Perhaps what I see in this true love is a part of me that was humiliated. Perhaps I don't like to be reminded of how humiliated true love has made such a proud person - me.

I can't have this love, this commitment, this depth and honor right now. I am in no position to be on the giving or receiving end and if it did happen (magically) somehow, it would not be the right time. But I continue to be the romantic I am at heart...

I still listen to too much John Mayer, I almost bought Sleepless In Seattle today and I don't own a single heart shape that is broken. There just may be hope for me yet in this terrible sea of love.

Emily and I have a very interesting future and I'm really glad that there is someone in my life who I know will be a constant. It's not often you come across a wonderful friend who wants to share the world with you, give you lovely advice, and it's even less often you find a friend who you never get sick of. It's even better when you have a friend who knows how to play John Mayer in the morning. She keeps me from being a negative dreamer and keeps me from eternally hating married couples by banking on the fact that they are probably very unhappy. I love her dark and ways ways. Tee hee...