Tonight. Oh, how I wish it were tomorrow. Not just any regular night on the town but one filled with a lot of emotion. I really should NOT elaborate, and I won't, but I will expand.

I saw him tonight. I had to look at his sweet face and it murdered something that was so special. It was like watching something die, a terrible train wreck, and laced with the most delicate sorrow any craftsman could have ever woven in heaven. So dramatic, but this I feel within my heart and soul. When you adore someone and they are making these insane mistakes, these strange friends who don't care about you, who don't really understand what's going on, it's a terrible train wreck and I didn't HAVE to look, but I did. To offer my hand, to offer whatever I had, or didn't. We looked right at eachother, I have never wanted to melt into a puddle and be washed away, but tonight I did. A concoction of pain, happiness, betrayl and dark deep rooted problems that never really were touched was in my cup, and I drank. Perhaps there are no words to express what happened tonight - a short maybe 5 minutes but each searing. The irony how a place that once hosted the most perfect few hours of your life - a situation that was one of the most 'right' few hours of your life and how it can turn into the dead opposite is astonishing to me. I could have never seen this is the future I had anticipated. Irony at its best. Irony at its worst. Why does this keep happening?

Where is he now? What is he doing? Does he care?

I think he does. I don't understand, I never will and I just can't let him win. I want to give him my heart, give him my love, give him just anyhing on God's great earth to see that fabulous grin - that beautiful Jim Carey imitation. But I have been there, and I have done that. And he didn't care.

You know that scene in Chinatown: "She's my daughter, *smack* she's my sister, *smack* she's my daugther, *smack* SHE'S MY SISTER!!!"? That is me - right now. I love him so much... but he did me wrong. But I love him so much... but he did me wrong. I am solemn, I wish I could write a song that weeped the tears I wish I never had. I wish I could change this person he is becoming back to the wonderful amazing man he was - the boy who would watch me sleep and drive out of his way - with a rose- to make me smile. It is so hard to realize that he will never be like that again. The boy I loved is gone. I could wallow in the usual thoughts when I feel low like this "WHY did he have to change?" "When will he come back?" "Where did he go?" because if I knew the answer to at least one of those, this would be easier. But I am left with the emptiness of 'the future' and the promise of a long friendship. I can keep it up, I say. I can keep it up, I want to, I need to. But don't listen to me - even I wonder how long I can really keep it up. It's like he is his identical twin... replaced.

His eyes sparkled with the same remorse I had. his guilt was written on his face and his honesty was written on it for the first time in a long time. I haven't felt his sincerity in that sense for a very long time. He did care to see me, and I know it's terrible of me to say because I really do wish him the best of everything - but I hope that I am not the only one with a heart the weight of a Sumo wrestler tonight. Then again, the really sad thing is that I could very well be. Which is where everything started in the first place - when it turned into JUST ME. Only me - because everything turned into JUST HIM.

I miss the closeness. I don't understand how two people who have shared life so DEEPLY on so many different levels - levels I had no idea were there - levels that did indeed have yet to be discovered - could just stand in a crowded room and chat. About the band. I feel he is replacing everything wonderful we once had with his own void, to rid the pain, to forget. Why would he want to forget something so beautiful? How can he decide that he has no time for this in his life? Why couldn't he have just been honest with me and told me he was tired of me?

I hate this, I should absolutley NOT be talking about this but it is such a silent killer. It is like bathing in acid. I am afraid. Why can I still love someone who treated me the way that he did in the end?

I know it is a long process. I am trying to move on and it will take me quite a while. I didn't realize that this process would be so painful and that it would make me feel so stupid. I should be the strong woman that everyone is helping me be... but all I see when I look into his eyes is everything we ever shared.

Do you think he cares? Do you think he misses me? Maybe he is too business minded to take a few moments to think about our last kiss - or maybe he is too afraid. Besides all of the crap that we have been through I hate myself for still having hope that one day we CAN work it out. I hate myself for even wanting to think that - I feel I am endangering myself for another guy to do the same thing with me. Was I a scab? Was he confused and finally realized in the end that I just wasn't the one? It stings so bad that I will never honestly know. I tried to be nice to his friends, but how nice can you be to people that have supported him making all of the wrong decisions? People who do not understand... this whole thing is so hard for me. I can't stand being dramatic - and I honestly don't think I am being that way. A love is dead, for godssake!! A whole world is lost and forgotten. An entire way of life has been thrown away for no good reason. I can feel my heart cracking, I can feel the shards scraping my insides... tiny paper cuts. Itty bitty paper cuts.

He's gone...