'Lovely pic.
Can you go back and take another one with lips touching,
now that would be very horny.'

Daddy Noddi

                     *   *   *


Vee says, 'Insult is a creative way of showing love.'


LETTERS TO DADDY NODDI, A FETISH PHOTOGRAPHER, V's VIRTUAL MATE, A POMMIE BASTARD IN OZ.

Dear Noddi,

You're a loaded gun!
It is like re-living your ink blot test results again.
If some-one drilled a hole in the wall, you'd ask her to put some hair around it for you.

'That reminds me, my mate used to say that I would fuck the 'crack of dawn' if I could find her.'

This picture was about facing your daemons (or the inner freak) and projecting it onto a mirror, nothing erotic there.

'So I assume that the demon is on the left.'

It was about having an angel on one shoulder telling you,
'Go home to your wife and kids'
and a devil on the other,
'Go on...my friend...Isn't she lovely, she'll be 16 soon..'

Now look at it again.

Vee says, 'Shape-shifting is a way of dodging routine.'

2 weeks ago Bee, a rape victim, took V. to "Ace", her favourite 'Perucciero' and the girls bought some wigs.

Some time last week V. turned brunette in her bedroom and her off-spring hesitated in their own home, said 'Hello' wondering who is coming down the stairs, before recognising her own mother by her voice about 10 secs later.

The same evening, a brunette waved at her special man friend from across the street in Elephant and Castle and he did not pay any attention, then she crossed the street, went right up to him (they have agreed to meet in front of a pub that evening after work) and he passed her by without a word.

The 10 sec experience was life changing for Vee.

Just a simple way of proving a familiar theory that a male human's vision is equivalent to an insect's vision when it comes to recognising female features.

'I used to date a beautiful Italian with big eyes, dark hair and huge tits.
We used to meet in the Raven pub in Stamford Court once a week so all my mates
knew her but the Landlord didn't. Anyway, one day she met me in the pub and turned up blonde, she even did her eyebrows, arms and pubes.  You should have seen the heads turn when she walked in looking for me.  The Landlord who fancied himself as a cassanova came bowling up to me and said 'fuck you jammy bastard where the hell did you meet her, she is much better looking than that dog you brought here last week!!'  I gave him what for and made him feel very small because the week before he had a lock-in for a few regulars and was shagging a girl in the ladies toilet when his girlfriend walked in and caught him in the act.  She packed her bag and left him and I rubbed salt into his wound by reminding him that at least the blonde girl was my girlfriend and I didn't have to worry about getting caught in the toilets having a knee-trembler.', Noddi agreed with the insect vision theory.

'Believe it - my neighbour who does not speak to me, was waving at me - thinking I was the woman next door, who is a brunette, I showed the bitch a finger, deal with that in the morning, you trash.', said Vee to Bee later on.

When V. walks out through that door onto the street incognito with her wig on , she feels she is not accountable in any way and do not need to be loyal to nobody at all.
She will lie and cheat and see any-one she wants to, then come home and cook dinner for her family and nothing has been compromised.

'Noddi, would you like to borrow my wig sometimes?', V. asked her confidante, a father of two.

                                     *   *   *

Last night Vanillah wanted to test another cliche..

Vee asks, 'Do blondes have more fun?'

She rang up B., and the two disguised bitches went down to 'Yates', L. High Street, where mating season starts every Friday night and lasts till Sunday morning.

Bee and Vee sat across the table from the Ugliest Bloke in the World (UBW), one of the very few Caucassians there.

UBW's just finished his work-out in "Fitness First" upstairs, and came down to the pub for a Recovery Pint with a mate.
He wore shorts.
He opened his crotch, flaunted his meat and veg, then fondly fondled with his bollox in the open view while making small talk.
The night started well.

'You were fascinated and couldn't look the other way like a good little girl.  I bet you wish you had a cock because you suffer from penis envy.'

Perhaps she does, but the Ugly Bloke did not rip his pants off to be the Chippendale paid to do Vanillah's personal lap dance, I hate to disappoint you..

The UBW and his equally ugly mate left before the dance floor started to heat up.
V.and B. have joined into the mad "orgy" soon after that.

"Reptilian Phylogeny" ©vanillah-M.'04

Usually Vee'd have an "attachment" by now, however in her black wig, polo neck and black suit she does not attract the usual suspects.

Bee spotted her own UBW, an African.

'If I was to fuck him I'd have to turn the lights out', she says.

Vee says, 'Listen to my friend for she has possessed Greater Wisdom.'

Thus Bee has been initiated in The Mind Fuck Brotherhood, where she will soon receive her "Sister Honoris Causa" title.

An African strain of the UBW has been unleashed there on a fleshy, young, bit frumpy but sexy nonetheless, Slovakian (non EU) brunette, who felt the ragga rhythm all too well in her loins and was hoping to acquire a Mrs Bumbum Nbdwdwebdebdewdwebde title behind her first name in her lovely red Commonwealth passport to arrive in post soon after she will chain the 'Apollo out of Africa' with a golden ring.

That would be a wedding ring - not a cock ring - just to clear any suspicions.

Silly bitch from Slovakia - her UBS was so non-British, the accent and all - and she was obviously new to this town and game.
Vanilla has corrected her "Errant Sister", poor soul.
This marked a start of a beautiful new friendship.

Under the new circumstances, Venka, the Slovakian beauty in East London, was shaking her rear-end "muscles" in front of a tiny Jamaican of Pygmy descend prancing around her in gradually smaller circles.
Hopefully he will give her her "citizenship" and ugly short descendants soon.
Good luck to both of them.

The music has audibly deteriorated to bare grunts and lousy, loud bass and the sexual energy started to turn the dance floor slippery.

The vaguely human animals gave in to the noisy call of MC Nature and started jigging uncontrollably in alcohol induced frenzy directing the powerful pelvic thrusts at each other in frontal or rear assaults.

A sandwich of two fat blondes and a dark skinned man between them formed into a daisy chain right before your eyes as more hopeful males attached themselves to the bulging buttocks of the desirable fair ladies.

'I'm fucking bored of this shithole. Makes me feel cheap.', said Bee sucking in the last drop of her Lager'n'Lime with a loud lady-slurp.

By 11pm B. and Vanillah had enough of their voyerism and made their way towards the door.

Two of the more courageous of Vee's suitors made a visible turn in their direction.
An oficially attired light-skinned gentleman with a bald head made eye contact, won the race and caught up with them half way down the corridor.

'Leaving so soon,ladies. Another drink?'

The younger competitor with hair still attached to his head,
'Fucking prick', Bee lip-read him say from far, she is a star, The Looser turned away, clearly disappointed.

'No, the time is up now. The moment is gone', Vee says to The Winner.
'It is a bit teenage in there for my liking'. , with her little finger she pushes a rogue blonde curl in and under the wig flirtatiously.

Two ladies and the successful contestant are out on the street now, crossing the road and standing right outside MishMash neon, inviting to buy some 10-28 size monster fashions.

The Bold (bald) and Beautiful, Allen J Cellars, hands Vee his card, staring intensely into her blue eyes.

'Please give me a ring'.

V. looks at the card:

"ay jay cellars - plastering, stone restoration, general building blah blah blah, business cards are free at www.somebollox.com"

'I see you're a cheap bastard', she thinks to herself.

V. looks at his "delicate" hands.

'Sure he'd carve me a lovely grave-stone.', she did not say it out loud, I regret.

'A useful bastard to know, when the other bastard at home will put me to my coffin prematurely through sex depravation.', Bee! Don't you love your friends just so honest..

Vee says, 'Sex depravation is a violation of human rights.'

So many bastards waiting to die!
Good business to be in.

She looks at Allen's face.

'I'll call you, I like your face'.

                         
                                   *   *   *


'Does that mean I have scored?', a darkhead V. says to her trusted female companion.

'Yep!', Bee smiles.
'Now, I need to find a funeral director somewhere' , why do friends turn cynical, when one is doing well?

Vee says, 'Every beautiful woman carries a sword between her thighs', some ancient Chinese coward said that before.

Manfree now, they walk off towards the L'sham DLR, a 484 pulls up almost immediately.

They pass by "Yates" once again on their way back home.
The bus stopped at the red lights.

Looking through the window, Vee can see a fight has broken up just outside, somebody is being chucked out, another one is being restrained and a third, big feisty one is getting away jumping through the fence into the full traffic, madman!

The local Police Station is just a couple of yards on the left as if it mattered at all.

There was too many men in the pub and not enough females to go around , obviously.

Vee says, 'Vagina is a weapon of mass destruction.'
Especially in too small quantities.

They left just in time, before things got really exciting.

The big man comes back with the vengeance and a bottle in his hand, hopping back over the fence into the crime scene hoping for a good knuckle sandwich at the end of his Friday night out.
Loud sound of broken glass and..

The lights turn green.
The bus drives away from the action.

'I'll be back here every Friday night', says Bee with a twinkle in her eye.

'I'd never go down to this shithole', says a lush overweight elegant young West Indian lady sitting in front of us, pointing at the war zone establishment we've just left behind.

                                    *   *   *

'Do blondes have more fun?'

It is so much more educating to observe the madness rather than participate in it,
however I swear, I'd go back there once more as a Goldilox
just to see what I'm missing.', V. shared her newly acquired knowledge with Daddy Noddi as if he could be arsed to lend an ear.

All the way down under Noddi shakes his head as he nods off in front of his cp screen with the help of a bottle of "vino collapso", his favourite.

'Wish you were there, old thing, you'd have some good photos on the night if you dared.
I remember our weird night out some time ago to Heych's private view in Shadwell....
Kinda miss your cheeky company, pommie bastard.'

'efXgwrXyur573(_X_)4920tyohfjhejfhjHAUGgdljh', Noddi is snoring already with his head cradled in his hands on top of his keyboard.

'You get a good night sleep, my friend.'


Vee says, 'Sleep depravation is a method of brain cell mutation.'

  


Vee says, 'Prove me wrong if you dare, dumb fuck.'

Yours
             Vanillah
               02/10/2004


PS. Once upon a time (really long time ago) a close friend said to a fair-head, a really good girl then,
'I've seen you jogging by the river in South Bank.
Do you sometimes wear a long black wig when you go out for a run?'

His comment was irritating yet irrationally inspirational.
The friend has become a character known as the Bingley Goat in "Las Historias de la Cabra" (The Goat Stories) - coming soon.

The entry above is loosely describing MPD brought on by boredom and insomnia.


                                         *    *    *


All the characters and events in the story above are strictly non-fictional. This is a true, real life story.
The names have been changed whenever V.M. could be arsed to do so.