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Our last day.
We're all coming in with completely different countenances and postures. We look freed up. We look more joyful. We started the day with times along for a bit to go and drench ourselves in the Word of who He says we are. When the lies come, we'll be able to go, "Meh, you're lying because the Word says this..." It was exactly what I was yearning for and exactly what I was most afraid of. What would I say? What would I do? What was expected of me? Would I be disappointed in God if He didn't show up? Silly Rabbit. I went to a nursery room on my own and sat in a comfy chair, one which I was tempted to bring back to the basement with me. We were to go through the scriptures of our birthright as Christians. It was me going through stuff for a bit as the song that had been in my head since I got up kept playing over in my head "I called, you answered, and you came to my rescue and I want to be where you are". Eventually, after reading several of the scriptures of being chosen, having inheritance in Christ, being part of the body, it all started to sink in! It went from my head to a reality in my heart and I was filled with gratitude that He would want me in the family. I had to come against something and then to fill it all up I was saying that I was chosen, that He wants me and I guess that was the catalyst for the heart of gratitude that welled up. Pretty cool that He would show up, and of course, not in the way that I would expect. We hit on some of the stuff for fear and then broke for lunch in small groups and pairs to go over it. Katrina gravitated to me immediately. He of course was working me over to rise up to who He's called me to be. We talked all the way to the grocery store. All in the grocery store and then all the way to Tully's and then for the next hour and a bit about things of the Lord, about fear and how it all plays out, about the things in Katrina's life because so much of it is rooted in Fear. I was given such eyes as to see a lot of what is playing out but she doesn't see it yet. I have to remain silent and wait for the Lord to reveal to her. I wanted to get frustrated and be all "Why can't you see you just need to let "this" go and stop victimizing yourself" but I couldn't because I just love her so much and that's not what I wanted to say at all. Instead there were moments of direct confrontation of "But I see "this" and is that what you want?" and she would be all "no" and then see some of it for herself. She didn't see it always, but most of the time it was enough of a mind shift that it started to make sense to her. She's going to be fine and the Lord is just starting a massive work in her heart and I'm so excited for her. It was great to pray with her and to see her heart broken for what the Lord would have for her and have her to do, but it was difficult at times to see her battle with herself and beat herself up over not being good enough for God. Something would come up that is something we all want and the prayers would be "Oh yes Lord, I want that, please help me to be more "that". Forgive me for not being "that"." There's a tonne of striving in her, feeling like she needs to make it all right. I only share this, not to air her laundry on my comp, but because there were so many things that I could see in her because I think them or struggle with them myself and I was able to see them so clearly, recognize them for what they are so quickly and clearly. Anyway, it was good and bonded us even further than we already are. When we returned we had Sean Hughes share with us about Worship. It was really great and I feel like I've had a total mind shift but I don't think that I can put it all into words, but I know that when I get a chance to worship in song, I'm going to take that opportunity, off key, contrived, emotionally manipulative, or not! I'll try to process more later cause it was so good. Cool thing. Hippie was closing us up and I really started to think about going and I totally started to panic. Got really anxious. All these thoughts that didn't make sense start all whipping around my brain and so I sat there and under my breath with as much force as I could I rebuked anxiety and fear and prayed the Lord to fill me with joy and trust. And that was it. Bam!! Good. Okay, carry on now. I know it won't always go that easy, but now I can see it and kill it and on we go.It's a battle. This isn't going to stop. We need to take the authority given, the forgiveness given, repent and repent, and consecrated ourselves. Bam! Done. It doesn't have to be huge. I don't believe it's rocket science, but then I never was one much for science, so science could be all about quick revelations and quick action. I don't know. Karen came and got me. We headed out and got some food and hit Costco. Bob Goff wrote a book. Under-aged sex-slavery. I've only gotten through the first chapter, and all the preface and acknowledgements and index and such. So far, intense. I just can't get over what an amazing man this is. up |
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The whole day was taken up with the Restore International benefit in Gig Harbor. Really great night. Went really well.
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I hate it when there's a lot going on and I can't get time to write, and then there's other times when I have all the time in the world and I can't get at any of it. I carry paper with me but I need to be more diligent about getting things written down as reminders that I need to write about them later when I get a chance. And so now I'm going to have to go back and fill in the last two days when it isn't fresh anymore. Sometimes it throws an interesting twist on things though, because I've had a day or two to process what I've been through and it's percolated in my brain a little bit so I have a new perspective on what that day actually entailed. I've felt unhinged the last 2 days. Maybe it's the lack of sleep that's catching up with me, maybe it's the spiritual battle that's flying over top of me. I feel like I should be ducking to avoid the mortars, but I'm still too oblivious to the battle around me, like it's only supposed to happen when things aren't happening around me, that I think I'm getting taken out by them but I'm so oblivious that I don't even know that I've been hit. I don't feel like myself, but then I don't feel like the bitter, unreleased Michelle of old. It's like this random version of Michelle that's all in this anomalous region of space that I haven't visited before. I feel more critical of everything around me more and more, more negative. I'm not short about it, not angry, just judgmental. I don't know if I even consider myself better or not. I'm not sure. I just know that all of my surroundings are ridiculous and there's not just way to culturally justify it..."Oh, it's just all of America..." That's just not right to say. Although I have been completely aware of just how attached to and dependant of their vehicles people are. There's some really cool overpasses and stuff and around here and I keep thinking how wild it will be when there are no more oil vehicles. Will everything change? Or will people be so defiant that they will seriously kill everything in sight by holding on to their "freedoms" for as long as humanly possible? Or will the world turn all Mad Max-esque to survive? I just keep thinking about the old electric train car systems that were prevalent in the United States through until the oil and tire companies really went after the American market to make the household vehicle "the American way" and the only feasibly flexible and adaptable form of transportation. If they're going to take out the old superior way and then give you a choice between a really flexible, convenient form of transportation or a really dirty, inconvenient, sometime unsafe form of transportation, let me guess which one the average, passive and minorly lazy North American consumer is going to choose. And some how that choice of car and the old crappy bus systems that plagued America in the 40's is "giving the public what they want"? Like it's going to be a real choice for them. Real choice is giving several options of varying degrees, from the way out there to the way out there on the other side and some stuff in between as well. It's like the American political system. You really only have two choices and they're both bad so why would you choose either. Bus or car? Democrat or Republican? Black or white...because those are the only two races worth mentioning, everything else comes under the "blue or polka-dot" option that everyone likes to tack on at the end as a catch all for every other colour that people come. So what would be the polka-dot of a transportation choice? I don't know what that would look like? Steam powered bicycles? Some things that come to mind just aren't any better cause they would be using mass amounts of power. Which brings me to a new topic. I went to the gym today. I had issue with going to a Big Box store-style gym but I needed to move around and had some time to kill while Karen was at some BEFA meeting. I am getting fat. It's amazing how quickly my body goes south and flabby when I'm stuck in a car for several hours in a day. So it got me thinking. If I drive this much over the last month, how much more do people do on a regular basis and how must that severely impact their bodies on a regular basis? Of course no one is going to notice because they're so used to it, they just can't understand why they can't kick that last 5 pounds. Well, for goodness sake, if you eat foods that aren't whole foods when you first get them and you drive for 15+ hours in a week, then yeah, you're going to be flabby. It shouldn't be this hard for me, but when I'm at the mercy of someone else's schedule and have no real options of my own then of course it's going to feel like a mountain to reach...I'm feeling rather mountainous. I was going to pray and read the bible a bit. Maybe I still will just to make a point of it because I really want to just close my eyes and pass out. up |
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How excited is Michelle!!!!! Sooooooo excited. I heard from the Lord tonight. I mean, I know I have before as well, but after a random day of nothing and sleeping and then hitting the Restore office to help them (hopefully we'll be able to bless Aaron tomorrow because I think that today was really hard on him and I'm not sure if we helped or made more stress), we went to the Pigotts' for a women's group time. Linda had us turn to the person next to us and hear from the Lord an encouraging, supportive, uplifting word for that woman. I got Jen Atkission (Aaron's wife actually) and it was really cool. She said that she heard the Lord saying that He sees the spirit of servanthood in my heart and that it is a spectacle! There's that word again!!! Who uses that word but the Lord!! It took longer for me to hear but she was really supportive and patient and I just needed to be okay with being quiet and listening and I kept seeing her belly. She's pregnant. I thought it was just me imagining her physical state. I saw it again. So I shared that with her and she said that it was really encouraging because she keeps forgetting, in all the business, that she's pregnant and that He's growing life inside her. So cool. Then we switched to the other side and I was with Linda. So I heard right away, saw is more like it, the word 'mouthpiece', so as she was still praying I was checking with the Lord. "Lord is this right? Is this what you want to say to encourage her?" and it's like I heard a voice in the back of my head "It's right" so I had to act on faith and share it. As soon as she was done speaking shared what I saw and she said that it was exactly right and that the Lord had been saying that to her before and that she's been arguing with Him over it, she doesn't feel worthy, got sin, not educated enough, blah, blah, excuses. So she shared with me seeing me conducting an orchestra and it's a gift of administration. I make sure that the piccolos are doing what they're supposed to be doing and if something is off then I can hear it and then make the changes and correct where needs to be corrected. Totally cool. So seeing that we saw so quickly, we asked again. For me, she heard that I was an intercessor and that I will hear what people need prayer for. Then I saw a picture of her on the beach in the wind in a shawl. I didn't know what it meant, so she asked the Lord for clarification and I saw her face, heading into the wind and there was delight on her face in being in the wind. She said that it was exactly spot on. She loves being in the wind, especially at the beach. It's like the Holy Spirit blowing on her and she wants more to rush over her. So it was a really encouraging night of being able to know that He sees me and that I am His sheep and I hear His voice. I confess Independence. I feel like once I hear a word of what I'm to do then I'm supposed to run with it and do it myself. I think I have been hearing that I need to stay longer and that there is more that the Lord needs to do with my heart before sending me off. At which point I start thinking logistically of how to stay in the country and needing to be in the heart of Tacoma and how will I support myself and all that. So I need to step back from it and obey that if He wants me here, then He will present ways. What I'm not sure of is the balance of being active and pressing into what I hear and allowing Him to lead and open doors. Where is the balance of not being passive and waiting on the Lord. I could wait on the Lord all day in my comfy bed, but there needs to come a point where I will swing my legs over the side whether I hear Him say "Get up!" or not. up |
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We took Ruth, Karen's grandma, to the speech path today at the University. She had a problem in her throat a while back, but now it's better. Thing is that she's gotten really used to thinking that there's something there and that she can't swallow things. She totally can, it's just her perception based on her past experience. So now she has a habit of bringing up all her phlegm and coughing and hacking it away. She needs to retrain her muscles to just do what they're supposed to by swallowing all the phlegm away into her stomach like the rest of us do without even thinking about it. It's difficult and I had to tell her every time she was clearing her throat to make her aware of the fact that she was doing this bad habit without being aware that she was doing it at all. But now she's on the road to recovery. She's proud of when she swallows something and is excited about the prospect of being able to do it without thinking. She needs to retrain herself to do what is supposed to come naturally. Do we see a similarity, a parallel, an allegory even?? What are the things I should be consciously aware of that I need to train myself in to do, of what should come naturally and that I've forgotten from my conception, since the time of my original injury? What are the bad habits that I've seen as being unavoidable and just part of life? What are the good habits that I need to start to bring myself back onto the road of living as I was intended to? up |
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It's been raining. Rain is good. I went to Gas Works Park and just ran around the park with no jacket on in the rain getting thorouly soaked through. Felt so good. What has stopped me from running around in the rain lately? I always feel so much more free and like nothing could possibly ever bring me down again when I just go for it. There were a few torrential down pours in Japan that I went and stood in, and several times at Malibu over years where I would get soaked right to the bone out on Hamburger Point or Flag Point. Next time it rains, forget whatever you needed to get done...go and stand in a park or a field or by the water, whatever you find yourself near (Alberta? Not so much ocean...The Island? Not so much open plains) and just get wet. It will remind you you're alive. Dance if you think you can do it. Laugh at yourself when you realize what you look like...a drowned rat girating to some unheard beat that exists only in your own head. Let your heart rise up in Praise with no words that we were given this world to be in and it is good and you are loved by the Maker of this Universe, we don't consider that too often, do we? And smile at the next 10 people you pass because they'll think you're insane but it will make their day. Do I sound like some sort of Hallmark card, or some inspirational wall calendar??? Blech! Make me want to throw up in my mouth. And then go and stand in the rain cause it will make me feel better. Met with Christy after dropping Karen at home from surgery. Church with the Crossing folks and having the Lord speak to what was hindering me hearing him. Distrust a big one. I was hearing, but I thought that I wasn't because I wasn't trusting Him. It was like He was saying �Stop asking! You�ve heard so don�t doubt� to me every time I would ask Him if I was doing what I should. up |
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Go see The Nativity!! Forget the reviews, good and bad, forget anything else you've heard, forget trying to plot out "what will happen next" (hm, how does the story go?), forget thinking "I would have done this or that different". Go, watch the story of trust and integrity. It ain't no hollywood. I was all in my own thoughts while being totally taken with the movie right from the get-go. For me, it showed two things about the character of Mary and Joseph. Yes, I know it's supposed to be all about the birth for the Messiah, but I think that it spoke more of the journey that those two young people took. For both of them, it was a vision of trust, knowing that you've heard the Lord and that they didn't try to take back control from Him or deny Him what He was doing. They held unswervingly to the words of promise spoken. Sure they were scared, but they still trusted and acted accordingly. That spoke volumes to me at the point, the exact moment when I was being tested. Would I back down because I can't see a plan? The Lord had said this weekend that I needed to trust in the absence of details. I'm now being faced with serious absence of details, so am I going to get tossed, or will I bunker down in my faith knowing that He's got my back. Seeing that I'm even asking the question should give way to the fact that I've been enlightened to what is going on, so I really only have one reaction. In most things, once He makes it clear, I'll act...except for clearing off my iPod, which I think He's taking on Himself cause my files keep corrupting and then I can't play them. And it may take me time, but with most things I would like to say that I will get there. The second thing was the character of Joseph and the strength of the man that he was. He was a good man. Didn't help that the actor playing him was beautiful beyond belief! But it was the strength and unselfishness displayed that truly struck me. I loved the moment of birth when it was him being strong and then getting to see her be strong. It was his time during the journey that they took to be strong for her, through the hunger and the hurt feet. It was her time during the birth to show the strength that she had in her. I was immediately brought to this place in my brain of seeing how it is supposed to work between a man and a woman with their strengths being used at different times, their integrity coming out in all the corners. I want that kind of integrity. I want that. I want that balance of strength. I want a man who will lead the donkey for a hundred miles, who will fight for my safety, who will catch me by the hand when I'm being swept away by a ragging river. That's a depth that I want to cleave to and to "leave my family" for. So then, being emboldened by seeing trust revealed in the car on the way home, Debbie brought up DC again and said that she thought maybe I shouldn't come if it would leave me penniless and possibly not be "what I'm looking for". I'm concerned that she thinks that I'm looking for something. So I laid it all out and told her of the times of trust and action with the Moscow job and with leaving Todd and said that the Lord will provide. If I'm to be there, He will provide and make a way for provision and Visas. I'm not going to not go somewhere that I believe the Lord has called me to because I can't see how He's going to work it out. And maybe it is just for 3 months where I go home with 10 cents in my pocket. If the Lord wants my savings, He can have it. He'll tell me when I'm supposed to make it again. It felt good to put that "fierceness" into practice and to take the step of trust that I believe very strongly I'm called to do. Gives me peace. Makes me quiet in my spirit. Makes me excited to be in the presence of the Lord so we can talk some more. I really do feel, most of the time as long as I'm not distracted by the drama that often surrounds me, like I could just do "church" for hours on end, everyday, for the rest of my life. I want to know Him more. I want Him to speak more. I want to bask in His love more. Feels good. up |
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More running around with no concept of why I'm in the car again. I've gotten used to it though so I don't have a problem with it, I just don't really get it. There's a massive storm blowing through the area again. Winds up to 60 mph will be battering the area by the middle of the night. Already there's trees down all over, a couple were killed in their car by a fallen tree. Much of Seattle sounds like it's out of power. We were sitting eating Teriyaki and the sidewalk beside us had a serious stream going down it. There was surf coming off the tires of the parked car next to the sidewalk because the water was rushing so hard down hill. Pretty cool if it's not a safety problem. There was a woman rescued in Madrona (the West side of Lake Washington essentially) from her flooded basement...by a dive team!!!! We went and saw Karen's Grams again tonight. I haven't mentioned Ruth nearly enough. She decided about a week ago that she was going home. She just up and announced it after a really positive session with a speech path that she was going home that night so take her back to her place. She had been living with Karen's mum and that probably wasn't the best environment for her cause her mum freaks out and frets and Ruth is pretty chill and can take care of herself better than her own daughter can take care of her-ownself. So Ruth is back at home now and we've been stopping by to check on her and brighten her probably very lonely day. She's 95, very hard of hearing and very visually impaired, and living on her own. She's got all her marbles and is rather self-sufficient considering. Anywhere we go in the city, even when she's got her head down while we're driving, we can ask her where we are and she's usually spot on, if not within a block. And evidently she can't see. Yeah right. She's got a great sense of humour and the two of us have become fast friends. I'm really fond of her. I was evidently done writing cause as I finished that thought, the power went out. I'm sure I lost some, but I'll let it stand. up |
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Karen and I went and picked up Brandon and Matt from the airport. Once we found out where the concert was now taking place because of the power outages all over the state, we went for dinner together. Because of the power outages everyone and their dog were out at the few restaurants that were open. I ended up staying to wait for take out while the guys started setting up. They had the concert at a church that still didn�t have power but they got a bunch of candles and set up a genny outside to light up a tree in the foyer. It was a great ambiance for the night and the guys did a great job with the guitars and an out of tune piano. It was an evening to be a part of. Unfortunately, a couple of the kids behind us who must be very entrenched in their culture of consuming mass media, including musical media, just didn't quite get what they were being a part of. Music isn�t something to be consumed. It�s to be participated in. It�s something to be a part of, to receive from it and to give to it as well. They didn�t get it. I would hope that to be there tonight it would start them on a path of realizing that there�s more to music than their iPod. There�s creativity, there�s movement, there�s expression, there�s dissonance and melody. I personally loved it. The guys would come in and out of each other�s sets. Brandon popped in on Matt�s set for a bit. And both Matt and Jonathan Kingham (great stuff) came in on Brandon�s set. It was just great to have Jonathan as an addition to it. Simple in his delivery and often quiet, but it was rest for my ears to pick out the harmonies he was adding in on the piano. A great night.
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On the way home we passed the power line worker guys. Karen and I decided that we needed to do something nice for them. We wanted to do coffee, but nothing was open, so we had to settle for pizza. We drove back to where we had seen them, but the pizza took so long that they were gone. So we went driving around to find them. After awhile, we finally found their work yard and I gave it to a couple of the guys. Fun. The power was back on at Karen�s house. up |
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Bus ride from Tacoma. I stuck up for a Chinese couple from a mean lady. I just couldn�t stay quiet. Let�s just say that the whole experience has given me a glimpse as to the spirit that would make it possible for people to turn a blind eye to injustice served due to insensitivity and fear of �outside� cultures. I could see how in different circumstances it could have ended badly. As it was, I just couldn�t stay quiet and had to speak boldly and fiercely, but not hurtful because I didn�t want to be the avenue by which just as much injustice was able to make its way into people�s lives, namely �Mean Lady�. I then went into prayer for her and her world with her husband and her elderly mother (who didn�t really get what was going on for much of the bus ride. She kept waiting for the border once we had already passed through it) because she was obviously speaking from a place of hurt and anxiousness. I was picked up by Nen & Ryan and Bunky and got the tour of the house. Fun that every time I go to their home I get a grand tour. It�s changing so often and they�re getting a lot done. He couldn�t sleep after we got home so I prayed with him and left him to play with his celtic cross design. He's always working on one. I�ve always thought that he was worrying about things and that�s why he can�t sleep, it�s more like me though and he just gets thinking and often creative. I write my best at night, he sees knots clearly when he gets into bed. The last thing of the night was being able to crawl into my own bed! Like, my own! I own it! I haven't slept in MY bed for 1 year, nine months and about three weeks. I slept in my bed. up |
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Mum came and picked me up at Nen & Ryan's. We had a great chat on the way home from Nanaimo about how I'm approaching things with going to DC and about some of the stuff the Lord has been teaching me about Trust, which all relates. It was good to feel like she understood it. I do feel, already, being in this place, tinges of doubt and of wanting to stay in this place. But I need to acknowledge that wish of wanting to be near my family, and then to press forward into the Lord to give him that desire and to know that He will bring it about in a way that I couldn't orchestrate for myself if I tried. Late tonight we also stayed up to talk and Dad ended up joining us as well. We talked about family and family history. Thank you Lord for giving me such an amazing family. Please do not allow me to be complacent in this place, do not allow me to fall into the familiarity and comfort of it all. up |
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We had some girls staying with us from Tacoma all this week. Really great to connect with them and have some good times exploring Victoria with them. I lost my cell phone running to the car. I should have left my bag at the restaurant with Mum. Tonight we had a big ol get together with the Pen boys and all significant others and such at the Hirschey's. I loved walking in and getting right into it and being surrounded by my friends and those who love me dearly. I'm so comfortable there and know that it's a safe place to be myself. Not always, but all those boys really do love and I'm starting to realize that they love me beyond me being perfect. I think I used to think that I needed to be something so they would love me, this perfect idea of what a woman should be to them that they weren't seeing in the girls around them. But I'm allowed to be flawed and to admit mistakes. It was a fun night with lots of laughs and Marcus sat on Neil's face and made him throw up. It was awesome.
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Dad went to pick up Granny and Glen from Duncan where John was dropping them off. We all set out with Nen and Ryan as well to meet Nana at Colwood Pent for church. Unfortunately the lights blew and we couldn't stay for long because of fire regulations. Still, what we had for musical worship was good and I was really disappointed. I was leery at first walking in and all I heard was the usual Christmas hymn played straight, but then I forgot it all up in the balcony with Dad and thought of the words and it was really powerful. Being able to really sing out to the Lord of His greatness is something that I really wish I could do every single day. And people around me were really worshipping, not just going through the motions of singing this or that song because that's what you're supposed to do. It just couldn't last long enough. We came back to the house and most people had a nap and just relaxed. Then we had dinner together and went to the Christmas Eve service at Shawnigan Alliance, which had a lot more religious forms than what makes me comfortable. They had chosen some great Christmas hymns but there was little power in that room cause everyone was just going through the motions. I just wanted to raise my hands and sing out, but thought that it would distract people and cause them to stumble, so I contained myself. Little Laurie Courville sang O Holy Night and did well. Sitting in the truck waiting for Mum to come, we had some fun and Ryan and I picked on each other some while Nen got the giggles and thought everything he did was hilarious. They're so cute. up |
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What can I say? Boxing Day Classic is always, well, classic.
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I'm afraid to go to DC. I keep doubting myself as to whether I should go or not. Maybe it's because I'm super tired and not sleeping, but that's because I've had to be up every morning and although I have the chance to go to bed at a decent hour I seem to be afraid to go to sleep. I'm doing everything I can to avoid coming down here to bed but it's the only thing that I really want to be doing. Maybe it's the tv. Maybe it's opened some doors that I need to shut. It's just so easy to get sucked into the apathy of watching late night television. It's not like I want to watch during the day, it's the late night that sucks me in and keeps me from wanting to actually close my eyes, even though, as I said, all I want to do is to close them and go to sleep. Have I made a mistake? Should I be going at all? I'm afraid that I'm going to get myself in trouble. I'm afraid that because I will have to keep my mouth shut I'm not going to be comfortable being myself and then people won't know me. I'm afraid of the culture there. I'm afraid of politicians wives. I'm afraid of Debbie saying "Oh, we made a mistake, you aren't who we were hoping you were and you aren't what we want". All of these are fears. I am a child of the most high God who has nothing to fear. So I say "Fear, be gone! I bind you and cast you out to the feet of Jesus. Off me! I'm sorry Lord for listening to the fears and believing the lies that are behind them. I accept Your forgiveness and I know that I have fallen but I will not allow that to keep me from coming to You. Little by little I will fall less frequently and You will make me stronger to resist. I replace fear with faith and peace so please Holy Spirit I need a greater helping of Faith to know that You have me in Your hand to equip me for what You are calling me to and a greater helping of Peace that allows me to live under Your banner to know that none of it is from me and it is all You working through me. Lord I ask that You make it all flow naturally through me and that You would meet me and whisper Your words of love in my ear. I thank You for all You've done in me. I thank You for the girls who I will come to love. I thank You for the patience You will give me. And I thank You for all that I will learn in the next three months. What an amazing opportunity You are giving me and I'm sorry if I'm not grateful enough. Forgive me of my fear and ingratitude." I feel like I've been at a Y in the road. Like I could choose to stick around here, or think of something on my own to do, the Lord would be there for me but just as an onlooker and a life of blandness. Nothing really wrong with it, but nothing right about it at all. Or if I give Him everything and Carte Blanche then I will go the other way and it will mean greatness in Him. He will take me as far as I will give Him room in my world. The more I give and trust, the greater He will be able to work through me. I want that route. That's what my real heart desires but the other of ease and comfort is what I lie to myself to believe that I'm giving up, like it's better than the second option. That's just a crock. I'm so giving up nothing and so gaining an amazing life with my God. The one that sticks in my head is Bunky...but really...we didn't always have grandparents and aunts and uncles around at all times and we still love our family that is far away. I may have been closer to Shirl if she lived closer, but I certainly could not possibly love her any less because she lived back East. I may need to be like that with Bunky as well. I can be a really cool aunt who loves and adores Bunky and lives far away and sends cool presents and does really fun stuff when I visit. I don't necessarily have to miss out on anything. There's always Skype!!! I want the trusting route, I don't want to take that other path at the fork in the road. I can't not do it. |
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Talked to Debbie this morning. It's official. I'm going and I'm staying in the girls' house. They asked me to commit through to August of supporting myself. I told them it wouldn't be possible. It will be fine. The Lord has it. I just need to remember not to let my imagination run wild, take it just as captive as anything else I might let my thoughts lean to, and to not take anything back. It's not a matter of what I'm doing. Just because this is now set for the next few months, doesn't mean that I seek Him any less. "Oh it's okay now Lord, I've got it. Thanks for showing me the next step so I'll take it from here." It's not about that at all. It's about me not taking on that next step on my own. It's about relying on Him for everything, and still putting my pants (or skirt) on in the morning. We then met the Perrins, who I'm sure I haven't seen in about 8 years, for a movie. It was nice to see the Perrins and go for Timmy Ho's afterward and catch up and chat. Such fab people from my childhood. I love feeling loved by people when you haven't seen them in eons and when they don't really, actually know you, like know you, know you, as opposed to just having been around you for quite some time when you were younger. I know there are people that I love the same, don't really know them, like the Baines boys, but would give my right arm to make sure they're loved and safe. up |
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Good bye old comp. You've been good. You've been steady and rock solid. You've seen me at my worst and you've seen me weep and you've heard me curse you out and you've taken on all my thoughts and you're set up exactly the way I like you and I will miss you. You've been a good comp and if you were a living entity I would say, "Keep in touch" or "Take care of yourself" or some trivial thing of the sort that I would actually mean quite deeply. But you aren't. You're a hunk of plastic and metal that will eventually just pollute the world and leak radiation and mercury into my sustenance giving soil and water. This is my last entry on this comp. I'll miss your inordinately loud and intermittent fan.
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New Years! What a great night. Good friends. Good food. Good times. There were games, lots of fondue, laughs, wine, chatting. Heidi, Chris, Mike (Nen & Ryan�s friend from Nanaimo) and I had a fab sing along downstairs around the player piano. Upstairs they played some board game. It was so wonderful to sit with good friends and talk and joke and love on each other. Everyone was enthralled with the baby name books. We had some Mario Kart on the big screen downstairs, complete with Christopher winning his first game. He was hiding out in the corner because he didn�t know what he was doing. Ended up being a really good �strategy� because it made him win. We brought in the New Year with pots and wood spoons in hand around the player piano as I pumped away on Auld Lang Syne, up to the third verse. Who�d have known there was three verses. I did feel like I was floating about above everything like a balloon on a string. It was a great night, but I have very little as a frame of reference for the night. I did love being around all those I love and adore. up |