| MISCHIEF STORIES 11-20 |
| 11. We had an obnoxious neighbor and the man was a right royal pain in the ass. One day, another neighbor showed us a gag admission form. When I took a look at it I decided that it was the form for this first neighbor to have. You see, he was going to the hospital for a TURP, which means Trans Urethral Resection Procedure. In other words, his famous organ needed repair. We had heard over and over again how good he was in bed and everything his "organ" had done in his life. He was, to say the least, a boring old fart. He was also a mean and spiteful man that was always starting arguments. So, we had talked to his doctor about pulling the gag on him. The doctor had the gag procedure permission slip entered into his paperwork at the front desk. So, when the poor sap that got saddled with taking him to the hopital stopped at the front desk, he picked up Bad Bob's papers and had him read the permission slip. Of course, he had the nurse read, claiming he could not read that morning. All he wanted was for her to mention his procedure of his organ, but imagine his surprise when she stated. "You are here for a crizzy operation." "A crizzy operation? What is that?" "Why, Mr. Roberts, that is when the nerve in your asshole is crossed with the nerve to your eyeball and you have a shitty outlook on life." Boy, did that tick him off. Then he stammered and hemmed and hawed, but we never heard about his Turp that day. He was too scared about the other operation. Of course, the doctor came down and feigned innocence, but he was a former Army doc that cut his teeth in a MASH unit. -The Operation- |
| 12. When I was in high school, we often had a state trooper to come by and lecture us on the perils of wreckless driving. This trooper was a pretty good guy and he had a daughter that was in class ahead of us. Now, the troopers in my area made it their life's ambition to catch all the male members of my wild and whacky family and give them a ticket. The only thing was they completely ignored the females of our family. I drove from the time that I was sixteen until now, but I never got my driver's license until I was twenty-one. But it so happened that on this occasion, a group of the girls, including the trooper's daughter, had been to South Boston in Virginia to shop. And we went to a truck stop on 360 to grab some sandwiches and talk to the boys. Everybody went to this truck stop just to hang out. We hooked up with our favorite fellas and headed back to our home town. When we went by the state trooper, his daughter commented that her daddy was asleep and we could speed past him. That was before the darn radar would beep and wake him up. But the gang leader had another idea. He had a logging chain in his car and he decided, "Okay, let's have some fun." So, back to the truck stop we went and everybody stuffed toilet paper into their pockets. Now, some truck drivers wanted to know what we were up to. So, we told them. They thought it would be a gas to see. So, loaded down with toilet paper and that logging chain, we snuck up on the trooper. Stuffing the paper into the links to keep them from clinking, the energetic boys hooked one end of the chain to the tree and the other end to the rear axle of the patrol car. We then crept back and got into the cars. Of course the truckers were lined up behind us as we came down the road honking their horns and speeding. The noise woke him up and he cranked up his car and took off after us. But the car rose up in the back and the siren made a weoowe sound and the car stopped in its tracks because, without the rear axle, he could not come after us. Every truck roared past him! The next day he was at school trying to find out the names of the hooligans that had tied him to a tree. He never did find out that it was his darling daughter's idea. -The Trooper- |
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| 13. We were on the neighborhood watch program in the city of Richmond, Virginia. There was a group of young hoodlums that would run up and yell into the ears of the people who kept an eye on things. One of the boys liked to ride his motorcycle up behind us and try to scare us. I have kicked a few of them off when they got way too close. It so happened, one night, that the police came in to raid the house where the punks were at. One of the officers loosened the wire to the starter from one of the motorcycles, then radioed for help. So, backup pulled up and parked across the alley from the house. We looked up in the window of the house where the police cars were parked and noticed a group men eating marijuana as fast as they could. They thought the cops were raiding them. Boy, did they get sick and they were puking all over the place. The officers laughed and said they would be back for them later because the punks would not come out. Then my cop husband asked a friend for his pet skunk, Betsy. He took a screwdriver and unscrewed the grate to where the air conditioner had previously been on the outside of the house. He let the skunk loose. He timed the punks, and in a few minutes, they came out and the skunk was bounding behind them. She stood there in the hallway looking perfectly satisfied that she had helped round up the gang. The cops thought that was the funniest thing they had ever seen. Plus, the guys that ate the marijuana got taken down too. -Punk Motorcycle Hoodlums- |
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| 14. The police in Richmond, Virginia were looking for a male bank robber that had killed a teller and others in a Richmond hold-up. I was working as a cashier in a restaurant at the time where the suspect stopped in. So, he came in and asked for change for a hundred dollar bill. The phone rang and it was the FBI. They said to be calm, but to delay him until they could capture him. Like he is supposed to be a killer and I am going to be calm!?! But, I did count the money in small bills and change back to him. Apparently, some of the guys in the back room of the restaurant saw the police and they fled into the bathroom. I mean, I knew they smoked weed and drank back there, but all of a sudden, the bank robber turns and sees the FBI and state troopers. He turned to shoot at the police but only was able to shoot into the ceiling before they arrested him. They take him out and one of the cops goes into the bathroom. The men of the restaurant are eating a pound of marijuana and were trying to swallow it down before the cops took it. The police chief did not take it, but just shook his head and said that he felt sorry for them because they were going to be right sick when it hit their stomachs. -Ceiling Shot- |
| 15. My brother Joe and cousin Charles were close in age and were two peas in a pod when it came to mischief and mayhem in Charlotte County. They were always sneaking off from doing their farm chores and going fishing, or driving my daddy's car fast, or whatever else struck their fancy. So, my Uncle Luther decided that he would play a Halloween trick on them and scare them so they would behave themselves. He went and got guana sacks(Guana is fertilizer and it came in sacks which were probably made out of a rough hemp.)and covered himself up good while putting blackface on his hands and face. He was going to be the "Boogeyman" and jump out at them when they came back through the path from the road to the homeplace. Then, Uncle Luther jumped out at them from behind and he scared them alright! He scared them so bad that they took tobacco sticks(A tobacco stick was made from wood and is about 5 feet long, it was generally made of pine, and was anywhere from one to two inches thick.) and started beating him with them. He was running and trying to get away from them, the whole time. He ran to his house. The cousins felt a panic because they thought he would go after our Aunt Francis. They go to bed early in that town. So, Francis said the noise and commotion woke people up. She said it was some sight having Uncle Luther yelling to them, "It's me, you dang fools! Francis, open that damn door! These damn fools are going to kill me!" Joe and Charles were saying, "Ain't no boogeyman going to git us. Run, Aunt Francis, run!" The prank backfired on Luther and he had all sorts of knots on his head from the trick. The boys were careful about sneaking out again and Uncle Luther never was the boogeyman after that incident. -Boogeyman- |
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| 16. I was dating a stripper a who insisted I hang out at her club while she worked. I was sitting there drinking all night. There was a guy sitting at the table next to me who was obviously happy to see my girlfriend strip. He was yelling loudly and ogling for awhile. I told him she tends to go home with guys who tip the most throughout the night. The guy began tipping her alot. He ended up tipping her $300 by the time the club closed. I told him to wait outside the front door for her and approach her when she would come out to leave. I was able to stay in the club the whole time she finished her job for the night. After awhile, we walked out the front door and I had my arm around her. He was furious. He said, "What the hell is going on here?!?" I answered, "I tipped her $301." -She Could Be Yours- |
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| 17. We pulled a prank on a guy that worked at Dupont in Richmond. This was an all time smart ass that thought he knew everything about every subject possible. So, the one guy that was from the country decided to invite him to go gloop noodle fishing. This is similar to snipe hunting in the country, where a smart guy or a new person is invited by the locals. Only they are taken out into the woods and given a burlap sack to hold while the other hunters say that they are going to flush out the birds and they want the trickee to wait for them. After awhile, the person realizes that they are left "holding the bag." Now, this fellow really did not know that gloop noodle fishing was also a fabrication and the man that told him was making a point. The fellow starts to talk about how he uses such and such reel to fish for the gloop noodle. On and on he chatters about how he has a bass boat built by a famous company. He spent all day out on the Eastern Shore and caught this fish and that fish whose size ranged from naturally, the biggest around. The group of men is snickering and he still does not realize that he has been had. So Bob, the lead conspirator, leans over and tells him, "Oh, you caught one that size, huh? Well, let me show you my lunch that was made from gloop noodles." That guy completely flipped out by saying, "Oh, I practice catch and releaseand I never eat the gloop noodles that I catch." To which Bob just smiled and showed him the bowl of Campbells's chicken noodle soup. "You see that noodle there boy? Now that is a real noodle because there is NO SUCH THING AS A GLOOP NOODLE FISH, COLLEGE BOY!" That fellow who seemed to know everything stopped bragging about the things in which he did not know what he was talking about. -Gloop Noodle Fishing- |
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| 18. I was involved in an auto accident on Father's Day of 1994. A young girl made a right turn in front of me from the left lane while I was in the right lane beside her. I hit her with my tiny 1982 Ford Escort and she flipped her large 1986 Ford Bronco. We both were sent in separate ambulances to the hospital. Amazingly, neither of us had more than a few bumps and bruises. I met her in the hopital with her mother and she told me she wasn't very hurt We both left the hospital separately within an hour. I was chatting on the phone with my favorite aunt a few days later about some of the things happening that week, including the accident. She asked me if the girl who I had the accident with was cute. I said, "Yes, but why do you ask?" She told me that many people hook up that have accidents. She filled my head to the point that I began to think this was a great idea. I looked up her information on the accident report. She was just turning 17 a few days after the accident. I was only 21, so I thought I'd give her a call. I called. She seemed a little shocked that I called, but she was cordial. It was a quick conversation. I asked if there was any additional pain and she said she was ok I didn't get the vibe that she was interested in me, so I got off the phone as soon as possible. The conversation lasted about 3 minutes. I get a phone call back from her mother about two minutes later. She is bitching and complaining that I called and upset her daughter. Her daughter is crying because I brought it up. She was trying to get over it. The mother also told me she had a lawyer handling the accident and didn't want me trying to influence her daughter. The mother finally said, " DO NOT EVER CALL HERE AGAIN OR I WILL CALL THE COPS, DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?! The only response I had to the call was, "Yes, I undersand." She hung up. A few minutes later, a cop calls to tell me to stop harassing these people. I explained to the cop my intentions and told him I was never, ever going to call again. He relaxed and chuckled at the situation. My favorite aunt wasn't my favorite aunt anymore, at least for a few weeks. I told her the hook up DID NOT WORK. -Accidental Callback-- |
| 19. My father is a perpetual prankster. Here is how he almost caused me serious injury with a prank. One time, my father and I were laying in bed watching tv together. I heard a knocking sound every few minutes on the walls. After a few knocks, I decided to go downstairs to see if someone was at the front door. I noticed my mother was facing out our big picture window in front. I approached her and tapped her on the shoulder. She swung around, with an obvious look of fear on her face, and swiped at me with a knife that was within an inch of slicing my chest. Here's the explanation. It was extremely foggy out. You couldn't see more than a few feet outside. She heard the knocking sound and thought a burglar was somehow working his way into our home. We found out it was my father who was knocking on the walls upstairs. Instead of being upset by the way the little prank had almost had me sliced open, he laughed extremely hard. NOT GOOD! -Near Death Experience-- |
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| 20. I once had a roommate who frequented strip clubs. He liked bringing home any of the strippers that would come home with him. He got them to come home with him by telling the women that he had cocaine at his apartment. Only the ugliest strippers would come home with him. When my roommate arrived with a stripper in tow, he would approach me immediately and ask "Where's the cocaine?" My job was to say "We ran out." Sometimes the stripper would ask to be brought home, but a few of them stayed anyway. THERE WAS NEVER ANY COCAINE!!! -You Are a Stripper?- |