Dear Mocha:

Do YOU have a burning question and are seeking a heartfelt response from a really, really charming, sweet, and lovely young lady with a really cute laugh? Then click here!!!!

Dear Mocha,
I was wondering, how do you do your hair?
-John Stamos, age 42

Dear Johnnie,
You want to know how I do my hair? Do you think it's totally cute or something? I must admit, it's quite flattering. It's probably my best feature, if ever there were... Because, you know, all my features are great, if you think about it. Tee hee! Anyway, this is how I do my hair: First and foremost, I need to make kissy faces and smile at myself in the mirror to get in the mood. If you were wondering, I've had a 100% success rate my entire life. I never even forget to bat an eyelash. I told you I was good. I'm pretty sure that's a record or something. Maybe even a world record... So! Next, I brush my hair, and flip it around and play with it, because it's fun. Now this is the tricky part. If you didn't already fail at getting yourself in the mood, this next part is where you would most likely fail instead. (If you were trying this at home or something, hehehe.) I'm talking about parting your hair down the middle. This is probably essential because if you didn't, one bun would be bigger than the other. That's really stupid looking, if you ask me (you did.) So don't do it. Then, I just put my hair up in buns like normal. It always turns out so perfect. Oh, and if I have time, maybe I would flash another smile or wink or both. For future reference, if your hair happens to end up like this then you did it wrong. Just saying. Did that answer your question, sweetheart?

Lots of Love,

Dear Mocha,
Let me start by saying I think you are truly beautiful :) My girlfriend and I love going to your website. She seems to really admire your brilliant tastes in fashion. We've been dating for almost 5 years now, and since you, and Stephanie, my girlfriend, seem to have a lot in common, I was hoping you could give me some creative suggestions for proposing to her. I've been married once before, and it didn't end very happily. I want this one to be very special for both of us. Thank you very much.
Sincerely,
S.
Page [age: old enough to be your dad]

Dear S.,
Oh, you are such a sweetie. You're making me blush!! I'm happy to think you think I'm beautiful too. Hehehe... You're getting married? That is so cute! Okay, I will help you. But only because you're super super nice. Well, let's see... I think it would be really special if someone went out of their way to do something for me when they propose. Like, if they flew with me first class to the Bahamas or some place tropical, and then hid a ring in a coconut or something. And don't think it isn't possible, because if they really loved me they would find a way to get a ring inside a coconut. Besides, who's to say that it was one directly off a tree? It could of been drained of whatever the heck is inside a coconut first. But, that's just me. Tee hee. Anyway, I'm sure you know your woman quite well. You can use my idea, but change it to something she would like more. You know? If all else fails, you could always just get on one knee. Or something. I don't know. That knee thing would be cute though!! But it's not very creative, you wanted creative right? I mean, I don't know if you'd want to make it all public, like a huge banner "Will You Marry Me, Stephanie?" and she says "No way!" that would be so sad. I'm sorry if that happens. Come to think of it, I could do that on this very site if you wanted to. Give me the word, and I'll do the rest. I'm so nice. Well anyway, good luck!

Stay Sweet,

Dear Mocha,
WHAT'S YOUR FRIGGIN PROBLEM?! You're so obsessed with yourself, but yeah right! You're aren't even as hot as say, Jessica Simpson, and she has a MANJAW. That's right, a manjaw! I want to kick/punch you in the nuts. You blow, so shut up and get a life! PS: Your boobs are the ugliest ever made.
No Thank You,
Scoots McGee [Age 16 and one half]
Lincoln, Nebraska

Dear Stupid Moron,
I...I can't believe you!!! (sob) You're the worst person ever in the entire universe! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!!! You're just jealous of me. That must be it. I know that's why you really sent this retarded excuse for a letter. Besides, you probably don't even have pubes. Either that or your balls haven't dropped yet. So which is it, stupid head? Oh yeah, and since when did I not have a life? I do have one, as a matter of fact. So talk to the HAND. MY NICE FEMININE ONE. ACTUALLY, BOTH OF THEM ARE SO SHUT UP!! Oh, oh no, my mascara is running now. Are you happy? I HATE YOU!!! PS: (sob) I've got Mafia connections, okay? So watch out you little son of a bitch. (sob!!)

No Love Whatsoever,

Dear Dustin,
Omg!!!! ^_^ I looooove watching you play basketball. how did u get so good @ it??? Ur so amazing...*_* when u slam dunk my heart skips a beat. I think I love u!!!! ^__~ umm i dont know if u even know im alive...i used to sit behind u in math last year. Hehehehe it was sooo adorable when u didnt know the answers!!! Awwww!!! ur the cutest boi alive <33333333 I wish u would talk 2 me...
Love always and forever,
Marissa Charleston, age 17 <3

Dear Marissa,
This is neither Mocha nor Dustin. This is Latt�. And guess what? Mocha isn't here to answer letters right now. I don't want you to think this has anything to do with her crying rivers or some shit because a fucktard from Nebraska thinks she has ugly knockers. You know why? Because. Because she is actually on a business trip. She is meeting, uh, some very important CEO. I'm pretty sure he was from Starbucks, okay, so you know he means business. Shut the fuck up. Anyway, Dustin isn't here either. He is probably wanking off to Kobe Bryant or some shit. But I can answer your stupid question, about how he got all good and whatnot. In fact, I can probably sum it up in about two words. Those words are, "Our Dad." You must understand my dad is a fucking basketball nutjob. He is always watching "The Game." And you just know he has installed a hoop above the garage door so he has something to do during commercials. He bought that damned thing for my birthday one year and claims he heard me say I wanted one (yeah, right) but really he bought it for himself and my stupid brother. The old hoop broke just in time, I guess. They got me pondering though... On one hand, I want to think basketball is the biggest fag-magnet in all of sportsdom. On the other, I would say a majority of NBA stars are Negro. Thats fucking awesome if you ask anyone who matters. And when I say "anyone who matters" I mean me and I don't mean Dustin or my dad. PS: I told you my brother was an idiot, why do you even like him? He's a faggot. Hey, I'll tell you what you little skank, if you never talk to him or anyone at that school ever again I won't come and personally kick your ass? We got a deal?

I Hate You,

howz it hangin mmmocha,
gurl wassup baby wassup. yo mah niggaz n me was just bustin nut at sum fine ass pics of nelly furtado when one mah dawgs is like "shawty done put up no green ballz up in they hair like dis bitch rite hurr" laffin n poundin dick and we click on you pic and we like DAYAM cuz aint nobody gonna think you ever have no ugly titties like that cocksuckin hillbilly pigfucker from motherfuckin nebraska. baby you know he straight up tripping n green as hell with tha jealousy. yo body is slammin n off tha hook fo real plus he a skinny ass motherfuckin pillsbury doughass boy with dick on his breath and he gon need take out a goddamn second mortgage on his star trek bullshit to keep livin out his mamas basement know what im saying hahhahah. word mami. arrite so mah crew n me got a proposition fo yo n yo tight ass white gurlfriend with tha sexy lips [tha ones tween her fine ass hips...just playin babygurl]. all me in mah dirties wan know is will you hoz get tugetha n gimme summa dat creamyass motherfuckin mocha on latte action? it don hafta be no freakyass shit or nothin jes give me n mah boyz a lil vanilla n choco-latte to pop sum cock at you feelin me baby mami? stay funky fresh, shout out to tha po boyz back home in tha LA projeckz. peace out, shake it you aint gon break it gurl
_+_darksyde_+_
++tupac RIP 1971-1996++

yo boy
sorry my gurl mocha aint comin to sho no mocha-latte 2 yo n yo home boyz she torn part frum dat pasty ass but imma tell yo wut i tell yo imma free netyme day o nite, yo hear me? yo werd up boooooyyyy. yo wanna come n take me an we hav a reeeeeal good time boy lemme tell ye. wes spend da night wes kick fresh beats n freestyle oh wuteva u want. wes listen 2 sum 2pac n jes chillax, u know. n u wanna see sum mocha on latte yo pay up, cuz it costs 2 see us go at it fo da bruthaz, say boy yous made my ho feel better. i don tell her wut yo wuz sayin bout her slammmmmin bod n she perked up real nice thurr. maybe jes dis tyme, daddy, u n me n her can work out a deal or suttin. its coo wit me if its coo wit chu.

mmmhmmm keep it real real baby,