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'Trying is the first step towards failure" ~ the great wise one...Homer J. Simpson

stuff found in David Letterman's top ten list book:

No. 4-1 on TEN LEAST POPULAR FAIRY TALES
4. Scrappy, the Very Contagious Monkey
3. George Bush Won't Raise Taxes
2. The Little Engine that Occasionally Couldn't
1. Goldilocks and the Tainted Clams

A few from TOP TEN CHRISTMAS MOVIES IN TIMES SQUARE
10. Hot Buttered Elves
9. Santa's Magic Lap
5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88 (hey, it's an old book)
4. Not-So-Tiny-Tim
1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose

(my personal favorite) TOP TEN LEAST-USED HYPHENATED WORDS!!!!!
10. Lick-proof
9. Owl-flavored
8. Hat-resistant
7. Trunk-ripened
6. Gumbel-scented
5. Post-moistened
4. Hitler-iffic
3. Casket-tested
2. Pants-happy
1. Mookie-proofed

my favorite Jack Handey thoughts (too hard to narrow it down):

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window."

"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now"

"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

"Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy."

"If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine."

"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."

"You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime to keep mosquitos away from you and your guests? Just a big bag full of blood."

"Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time, people are going to get out of the way. Cars too!"